News round-up for The Bachelorette this week: Andi and the guys were unaccompanied by cameras or crew during their Fantasy Suite romps, Marcus is boring, and the way the show handled revealing Eric’s death to the cast was not ideal. Reported elsewhere in the press: Dogs shed, chocolate is tasty, and ABC’s PR department must have pissed off Trista Sutter.
Finally, this is the week we’ve all waited for, or at least the one that Josh, Chris, and Nick were all waiting for. It’s when Andi will have the option to spend the night with her choice of the guys in a luxury suite, complete with liquor, soft music, and a big ol’ bed, although we don’t learn exactly what happens in there. But according to Andi, what Chris has most to recommend him is “manly worker hands,” so it sounds like she might call upon him to do more than operate the remote control.
Andi is afraid that when she gets behind closed doors with one (or all) of the guys, she’ll find he’s a totally different person. Well, he’ll be a naked one, for starters. But until then, she is excited to be in the Dominican Republic. It’s vibrant, romantic, and an amazing place to be in love, especially when someone else picks up the hotel tab.
Let’s review our bachelors’ statuses ahead of the big night. Andi assesses Josh first. He’s so easygoing, and says whatever is on his mind, except for those two shows when she kept complaining that he wouldn’t say what was on his mind. He’s also good-looking, as if anyone thought she’d waste five minutes getting to know some ugly person. But it’s scary for her to realize that he’s exactly the type of guy she used to date–and those relationships didn’t work out well. Apparently Andi can’t distinguish types from individuals. Good thing she got out of law enforcement.
Next she talks about Chris, who is sweet, smart, and funny. He’s also charming and romantic. He definitely has it all, Andi asserts, including the manly hands. He’s a total package, and that’s not even counting his investment portfolio. She finds she’d even consider moving to Iowa because of all his appealing qualities. True love can always compel a person to make the sacrifice of getting a new driver’s license.
And then there’s Nick. Sadly, yes, there is Nick. He stood out to Andi. She has a mental connection with him, which is another way of saying the other two are better looking. Clearly having misplaced her thesaurus, she describes Nick as sweet, smart, and serious. He just gets her, and sees her for who she is, which means he’s deft at identifying vacuous opportunists with limited vocabularies. She doesn’t have to explain things to him, which is good because in her relationships, only the other person ever has to open up. Also, wow, can he kiss. This relationship could have legs as long as he avoids sustaining any tragic lip injuries.
On the beach, Andi strips to a red bikini and muses on being ready for happiness. She’s currently ready just for tanning.
Her first pre-Suite meet-up is with Nick. She wants to talk about his previous painful breakup, the perfect segue into a night of hot sex. They greet and smooch. He’s wearing a yellow shirt and turquoise Bermudas, which would make me end things right there. They go off in a helicopter, making you wonder if the camera guy is hanging out of the side of the thing to get the shot of them maneuvering around their headphones for a kiss.
They alight on a private island with a gorgeous beach that Andi calls “frikkin’ insane” (“volviendo loco”). Andi’s bikini this time has a green top and has black and white horizontal stripes on the bottom. He waxes his chest. After they make out in the water, she brings up how his family was worried about his emotional state post-break-up. Many “you knows” are scattered among Nick’s heartfelt revelation that the other girl dumped him. He is so damaged that he finds it difficult to tell Andi that he loves her when he has the chance today, while they are both 75 percent naked. His emotional fragility does not prevent him from manhandling her like a chimp grooming its mate, however. Music swells as they go snorkeling in the clear blue water. If he plays his cards right, there will another kind of snorkeling tonight.
Come nightfall and another uneaten dinner–by now, the show could have provided Thanksgiving dinners to several homeless shelters–Andi is all sexy and catlike, flipping her hair and lolling around on the sofa. Nick is tongue-tied. He must be a very smooth sales executive. He tells her he wrote a story about them, and pulls out a hard-cover bound book with full-color illustrations. Too bad the art department couldn’t just put that together with clip art. The fairy tale, which refers to the Fantasy Suite as the “magical room,” only got 2 stars on GoodReads. She is delighted, and hands him the card with the room key. He says something about wanting to talk her ear off the entire night. I’ve never heard it described that way, but okay.
“I am beyond excited for the Fantasy Suite,” he reports tastefully. So no need to tune into the p* channel beforehand. Then he leads Andi off to stand under a palm tree, where he finally tells her he loves her. She laughs like Mrs. Robinson when Ben asks if she’s seducing him. Off they go to the suite. It’s obviously mic’ed, so when do they turn those off? Or are the tapes downloadable off some Spanish-language site?
Next day, still experiencing afterglow, Andi meets up with Josh. He has been going crazy missing her. He could barely sit through all those ball games with his family. So I guess they keep them apart for a while to build up the pressure so the guys don’t have performance problems. The two will explore Santo Domingo, the capital, while happy Latino music plays. Andi feels young and vibrant with Josh, partly because she is actually young. They dance in the street as a roving band performs. She feels giddy, which she says exceeded her expectations. For what, feeling merely pleasant or just disappointed entirely?
Next they play baseball with some kids. Josh likes that Andi wants to do what he wants to do. She loves how excited and happy he is. The handwriting is on the wall for the dynamics of this pairing. She notes that he’s great with the kids, so he’ll be good father material. Either that, or there’s going to be a very ugly Smoking Gun post involving Josh and a van at some point in the future.
They chat afterwards. His overused needless filler word of choice is “like” instead of “you know.” He says he loves her. And while he knows she can’t say anything back–can’t she blink twice or grab his crotch or something?–he still feels good about it.
Time for dinner. Andi remarks on how much chemistry they have, but she needs to know if he is serious about more than getting into her drawers. He was upset the first night of the show that she might think he was cocky. “No, you’re goofy,” she assures him. She then goes right for talk of parenthood. Already with the fight over whether or not to have a Christmas tree.
“The next person I tell ‘I love you,’ I want to marry,” he tells her, as one might remark to a dinner companion, “The next waitress you see, ask for our check.” Andi’s glad he isn’t just saying it, but that he means it, deep down. He looked her right in the cleavage when he said it. They read the room key card together. Chris has really dorky handwriting. Will they share the suite tonight? Josh responds to her question with the alacrity of someone offering him a jalapeno popper at a Superbowl party. She’s champing at the bit a little less assuredly, but agrees.
Fireworks go off as they approach the suite doors. “We get to be together like we would in real life,” he says without any irony. After oohing and aahing at the beautiful room, as they would in real life even if the hotel management hadn’t paid for the sponsorship, they step into the pool and commence making out. Andi (blue bikini this time) dunks her head under the water sexily. Ugh, she’ll have to dry her hair before they hit the sheets.
A shot of some cows opens the next scene, so we know Chris is about to hove into view. Andi wears a big, loose top, which bodes poorly for him. And yes, she’s unsure about Chris. He drives up manfully in a Jeep, signifying that his chances are on rocky terrain. They will ride horses, which she’s nervous about. Hey, you’ve been practicing cowgirl-style just fine the past couple of nights, what’s to worry. Chris is apparently unafraid of developing saddle sores.
The HorseCam shows us Andi looking anxious as they ride, commenting on local agricultural practices. This is anything but romantic. “They’re a lot faster than I thought,” Andi says of the barely-trotting horse. This despite the fact that their first date was at the horse races.
They dismount to picnic in a field, so no bikini preview for poor Chris. They talk about her family visit in Iowa. Andi liked all the goodly, stolid farm folk. When he talks, she looks disinterested. I hope he hooks up with a nice schoolmarm back home after Andi dumps him. They decide to play the hiding game there in the field, and he goes off and crouches behind a clump of undergrowth. So Nick gets a helicopter ride to a private beach, and Josh gets dancing in the street to a mariachi band. The producers could not have planned a more sterile date for Chris than if they’d sent him to do their laundry.
At dinner time, Andi repeats how great visiting Iowa was. Chris asks outright how she feels about living there. She expresses doubts, and he tells her he knows how huge a transition it would be. But love will keep them together, or some other relevant song by The Captain and Tenille like Muskrat Love or Do That to Me One More Time. The important thing is, he would help her work it out, by The Beatles. He’s such a nice guy.
But she seems to have already decided it’s a big “no” for Tractor Boy. Even when he is visisbly crestfallen, however, she won’t tell him anything for sure. He says he loves her, and she starts to cry. She blabbers more about blaming it on Iowa, but the “honest truth” of it is that she doesn’t feel that way about him. Aside from the manly hands.
Chris’s devastated expression is hard to look at. Whoever invented this show is a s*st. A wealthy s*st, but still a s*st.
She doesn’t want to make him wait for the Rose Ceremony, or allow him a piece of tail in the suite. Meanwhile, I didn’t know false eyelashes could stay in place when a person is sobbing and wiping their eyes over and over. Chris remains dignified, and thanks her for being honest. Then she makes him assuage her guilt, blurting that she feels like an idiot so that he rushes to comfort her. She is so self-centered.
“My head and my heart don’t match up,” she weeps. Her head is saying “$$$” and her heart is saying “Not as hot as Josh.” “I should probably go,” he murmurs with a sweet, sad smile on his handsome face. This guy is too good to be true. Eh, probably has a bunch of skin suits drying in his barn.
“I want your feelings to be for me, and if not, I want to go home,” he tells her. She’s never once complimented him, just said that she’s grateful he came and that she got to know him. He kisses her hand in gallant farewell. The requisite sad music plays as he bravely holding back tears and tells us it hurts. Driving away, he confesses he has questions as to what happened, and adds softly, “What do I do? What the hell do I do?” Meanwhile, Andi stands poolside in the dark, recalling Josh’s expert foreplay technique.
Next day, Andi has recovered completely. She meets Chris in a red caftan-like dress that broadcasts her Jezebel status. At least now we don’t have to clarify which Chris we’re referring to. She describes what happened last night as a “bump in the road.” She realized the foundation wasn’t there, and one night in the Fantasy Suite wasn’t going to change that. You can’t know until you try, Andi.
She further explains that she and Nick discussed his break-up, and she is glad that she now understands what happened. This is all very one-sided. Maybe he’d like to know what happened with her break-ups? The thing is, Nick makes her feel intense and passionate feelings, while Josh is goofy and giddy. Can each guy also compensate with the opposite traits? More importantly, can they change a spark plug? How does this chick’s logic even work?
Nick arrives for the Rose Ceremony in slightly too-tight clothes. Josh is next, looking more tailored. They go down to a dock where the wind can more effectively blow Andi’s dress against her body. Chris announces that Other Chris is no longer here. Josh’s head snaps up. He must have seen him as his biggest competition. Andi arrives, and talks gravely about the importance of still having a Rose Ceremony despite there being only two roses for two people. More likely, they had extra minutes to fill after Chris flew the coop.
Now the guys are ready to meet the Dorfman clan. This should be entertaining. Josh is confident that at the end of the week, Andi will want to become Andi Murray. They should be modern and combine their last names so they’re both Dorfray or Murman.
Next week is the Tell-All show, which is sure to include even more deeply uncomfortable moments concerning the death of Eric! Then, in two weeks, the big moment. Will Andi choose Josh or Nick? Will she realize Chris was the way to go all along? Or will her dad put the kibosh on the whole atrocious fiasco? Stay tuned!