Well! Unless you’ve been working on the Caitlyn Jenner photo shoot and therefore been under lock and guard for the past week, you know about the utterly shameless, absolutely fierce teaser for tonight’s episode. In the talking heads, Clint and JJ (JJ?) suggest that they have fallen in love before, during, or despite a shower that they apparently innocently shared. With a sheepish grin, Clint declares, “Falling in love with a man never crossed my mind.” The producers congratulate each other on their marketing brilliance while he continues, “Kaitlyn’s not the right girl for me. I love JJ, so I need the rose tonight.”
Is JJ truly the right girl for him? Alas, after that teaser, which was as transparent as the bedsheets I got at the Family Dollar, stirred the internet into a frenzy that has not been seen since Kimye named their baby after a compass point, TMZ smugly revealed that it was all a joke concocted by the two simpleton singletons.
Even Christian Today was taken aback by the shows’ apparent revelation of two Brokeback Bachelors, a term it helpfully explains as referring to “the 2005 movie that followed the romance of two sheep-herders played by Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal.” With evident relief, the site assures readers about Clint “jestingly apologizing to his dad” about the whole wacky episode, presumably so Christians can continue in good conscience to watch a series about a woman who makes out with two dozen men in advance of boinking the three she deems most attractive.
We open with Kubah ranting in the yard as Kaitlyn and the other guys listen with what the acting coach suggested are expressions of horror. He’s upset that he’s being sent home with a potential half dozen or so more paychecks hanging in the balance. Kaitlyn hikes up her skirt to march outside. She demands to know what’s going on. He didn’t come here to go home, he explains. Usually that’s how going places works. Kaitlyn advises he accept things, because nothing is going to change. Maybe they could turn down the volume on the mic, though. Kubah is so done with it all. Onto a spot on Naked and Afraid.
Kaitlyn is first angry, then sad about this incident. She doesn’t like saying goodbye in a negative way, with someone insulting her and questioning her intentions, which were to throw him out because she doesn’t like him anymore.
She returns to address the menfolk. “I sent Kubah home,” she informs them as if they hadn’t read the script. She seems to have trouble not smiling like a ventriloquist’s dummy. This incident has underscored the need for her to have everyone be vocal and open with her if they have any problems. Of course, that’s what Kubah did and look where it got him.
Time for the Rose Ceremony. The men are anxious and unnerved, although not as much as the bartender. Kaitlyn is sorry that the night was so unpleasant, and that she didn’t get to spend more time with everyone, mouthing platitudes and sharing their numerology readings. Jared gets the first rose, even if he can’t smell it with a broken nose. Ben H. is next, then Shawn, Jonathan, and Tanner, who is not tanner than Jonathan. Next is Chris, Brian, who is wearing glasses–unacceptable for a bachelor, so he won’t win–Justin, and Ian. Following them are Joshua, Joe, and Corey with an “e.” Now the final rose. Tony seethes that he stepped away from his business and his dog for this, dammit. It goes to him. His dog must remain in the kennel another week. Kaitlyn cries at how hard it is to say goodbye to someone who might have a large p*.
Next morning, some large Asian men in kimonos arrive at the guys’ house and scream at them to wake up while banging gongs. They are sumo wrestling champs. One is the heaviest Japanese human being ever! He’ll get a TLC show. The two will teach the group-date guys how to sumo wrestle. They first have to collect their outfits, which Joe describes as looking like a fire hose.
They pull off their robes outside and it’s more waxed chests than in an antique shop. Their backsides are carefully pixelated, to Kaitlyn’s delight. The 600-lb. sumo guy demonstrates some moves. His pixelation takes up half the screen. Everyone points out that one of Joe’s family jewels is exposed. One less thing to be surprised by in the Fantasy Suite.
The guys start whamming into each other. If any gay guys were planning to tune in tonight for Clint and JJ, they’re getting an extra special treat. When it’s Tony’s turn, he viciously expresses plans to destroy the Japanese wrestler, which is like a SmartCar driver plotting to cut off a Cadillac Escalade. Maybe his mantra should be Xanax, Xanax, Xanax. They crouch. Tony giggles maniacally as he attacks his opponent and is laid low immediately. Is he injured or just dismayed? Kaitlyn is concerned and follows him toward the house. He doesn’t like showing aggression, he yells. He wants to show peace and loving. He wants to show her the multiple sides of him, like what’s under the pixelation, not the violent opposition of boxing matches and sumo wrestling.
“Am I the only one who sees there’s other ways to connect?” he exclaims passionately. Like speaking in terminology you didn’t learn at a Dr. Wayne Dyer lecture. JJ becomes concerned at all the aggression Tony doesn’t like showing. Tony flares back as he approaches.
Kaitlyn feels Tony is offended, but he offended her, too. Like Kubah, he dared to question her intentions with the group-date activities. They discuss it again. He assures her he has worked hard in his advancement emotionally and spiritually, and doesn’t want to find happiness by reverting back to his primal instincts. Half a milligram three times daily could help with that. Ian suggests “dialing it back.” He went to Princeton, you know.
As Tony continues to simmer like charcoal briquets under roasting tofu, the rest of the guys learn that there is more to the sumo date–an exhibition! They’ll be pixelated before a live audience. They ride up on bikes in their kimonos, without Tony, who is probably rereading I’m OK, You’re OK. Off come the robes, the assembled women scream appreciatively, and Kaitlyn dons a diaper, too, over her romper to pretend to take on the Japanese wrestler, who outweighs her by 500 lbs.
In the ring, Joe and JJ go at each other. Joe wins and goes against Clint. Ow, somebody could get hurt! Clint wins. He looks like a young Michael York and his diaper is very flattering.
Meanwhile, Tony sulks back at the house. “I am here for love, but love can only be real if it’s shared,” he instructs any stalkers watching as he packs his bags. He’s overlooked the fact that Kaitlyn is sharing love very generously with all his friends at the house. Glaring from beneath the bill of his Southwestern-patterned hat, he asserts, “I’m not a quitter. I’m walking away on my terms.” Isn’t that exactly what quitting is?
Kaitlyn arrives to discuss his departure. He doesn’t want to participate in “this circus,” he growls, but she knows where to find him if she decides she wants him. “Bye, Felicia,” says Kaitlyn, although not in those exact words. She then makes out with Christopher (hmm, I didn’t think there was a Christopher…) while Clint and JJ debate how to attract her attention. Clint thinks playing passive is the way to go, especially after their successful first date. JJ is concerned that is a failing strategy.
Meanwhile, Shawn is anxious to “make out with her the whole night.” Kaitlyn concurs. She comes to get the rose to give Shawn, and Clint is frustrated. I would be, too. Who picks that pompadoured dweeb over the star of Logan’s Run?
Kaitlyn smarmily mentions to Clint that he ignored her all night. But he feels that she may not be the right girl for him after all. Alas.
Ben Z. gets the next date card. Chris Harrison tells them relationships take trust and communication, and that’s what this date is about. The rest of the show is about disloyalty and incoherent ranting. They will be going into an escape room, and have to work together to solve the code to get out. Or they could have sex in there and wait til an intern opens the door.
Kaitlyn is all nervous and screechy because of some pigeons in the room. She claims to have a phobia of birds, despite the one tattooed on her arm. Ben wants to be sure she feels safe and protected. The rest of us would like to be able to see what’s going on with virtually no lighting in the room. Amid scorpions, roaches, and other creatures, they find their first clue to open a door. Kaitlyn shrieks. They find all kinds of other clues in the form of photos and numbers and gross things. Kaitlyn shrieks some more. They are instructed to kiss, so of course they do, never mind the drawer full of maggots. Another door opens to reveal a bathroom covered with blood, with live snakes slithering all over the place, and a clue that has to be scooped out of the toilet. People do this for fun?
They escape with seconds to spare. A production assistant gets gassed, though. Kaitlyn loves that Ben was a man who takes care of his lady. I know I love a guy who will unhesitatingly stick his hand in a toilet.
They go to Kaitlyn’s place and order pizza. “It’s not so much what it is, it’s that it is,” Ben says soothingly to assuage her about her idiotic fears. He’ll change his tune when he finds out about her horror of blow jobs. He tells her about his mother’s death, which he learned of after walking the dog. The dog still feels guilty. Because he felt he needed to be strong, he hasn’t cried in 11 years. “What?” exclaims Kaitlyn in shock. She’s used to seeing Britt cry constantly. Such a stoic, bloodless rock would be a great husband, she believes, never bothering her with his feelings.
They climb into the hot tub, the natural next move after discussing the traumatic loss of a loved one. She gives him the rose. She felt good being terrified and grossed out with him there.
Next group date. They ride on a yellow bus to an elementary school where they will be teaching sex education. Isn’t that illegal? The Republicans will go to town with this. But Kaitlyn feels this exercise will reveal to her how much the guys understand about sex. At least it’ll show whether they can pronounce the word “menstruate.”
Back at the house, Clint and JJ’s bromance is blossoming. The other guys are aware of it with a mix of disgust and amusement.
Ryan begins the lesson, displaying a cross-section of the woman’s reproductive organs. He names the v, uterus, and the butt, which I hope he understands is not integral to conception. Some kid asks where the cl* (bleeped) is. He suggests that the guy stimulate it so the woman will want to have sex with him again. He might have added that he also buy her dinner. A little girl asks Jonathan what the four bases are. This is not a very clinical lesson. Also, I hope these kids are midgets or CGI. Oh, they’re actors; Kaitlyn is pranking the guys. THEY’RE STILL CHILDREN. Hollywood should be nuked by North Korea. The Interview wasn’t nearly so offensive.
Ben H. will now discuss reproduction. He describes it as being a process similar to how The Bachelorette should play out up to the Fantasy Suite night, when the sperm meets the egg if the producers have contracted for a People exclusive. Kaitlyn eats it up. Naturally, the guy who manages to make graphic sex talk with children all about her is going to win the day.
At the cocktail party, Kaitlyn explains that she feels a guy who can talk about physical intimacy is appealing. A guy who can do it is even better. Joshua was the most uncomfortable in the classroom, which should work in his favor. He was a late bloomer, he explains. Take advantage of all that pent-up testosterone, Kaitlyn.
Aside from charming Kaitlyn in the classroom, Ben H. worked for a non-profit with kids and went to Honduras to help poor people. He’s goodness personified, not to mention Peter was the cutest Brady. They kiss, and he dips her. He’s leapt ahead on her leader board.
Back to irritation at Clint and JJ’s little clique, which includes talking in the hot tub about their love of turtles. The two have grown very close. They gaze soulfully into each other’s eyes as Clint plunks on his guitar. It actually looks more like that movie with Michael Ontkean and Harry Hamlin unexpectedly falling in love despite one of them being married to Kate Jackson.
Now it’s Jared’s turn to jabber about some mundane thing he considers important to his life, so he says his parents are his role models, but not why. Maybe he liked the way they taught him about sex. Then the couple smooches. “Of all the guys, this one is a man,” Kaitlyn enthuses. But…but…Ben Z.? Worse, Jared is wearing a cardigan sweater.
Rose presentation time. It’s hard for Kaitlyn to choose after all the hot sex talk with minors, but it goes to Ben H. Jared glares malevolently, but declares he doesn’t need a rose to validate what happened tonight. Kaitlyn and he have something. It’s probably a connection.
Pre-Rose Ceremony time. Kaitlyn reports that she is going to sleep at night with the biggest smile on her face, largely due to her Rotating Rabbit. Clint is concerned about not getting a rose, because he wants to stay with JJ. Har har. He rushes to speak with her. To buy some time, he jestingly suggests that his sumo experience caused his balls to retract–no, no, their amazing chemistry scared him, so he shut down in defense! Kaitlyn didn’t want to take a step backwards with him, so she’s glad he’s trying to redeem himself. They make out as visions of JJ dance in his head.
After Kaitlyn and Justin make out, Ian arrives, followed by Joshua and then Jared, each blabbing about Clint and JJ being spoilsports. These three don’t like them using Kaitlyn. I would venture to say they are not there for the right reasons. Kaitlyn stalks over and hustles Clint away to tell him she doesn’t want to be married to someone like that. “He’s going to go down in flames,” she promises fiercely. But he’s in clips from next week fighting with JJ, so who knows.
More drama next week, even though Kaitlyn really dislikes drama.
