Our world is going to hell. Endless wars, planes being shot down, executions gone wrong, rage, acrimony, and conflict everywhere. Now Time magazine has seen fit to publish a piece on the finale of The Bachelorette. Worse, there’s a typo in it. The end is nigh, my friends.
Nevertheless, the article does offer us a little more insight into our final two guys’ worlds, since even after several weeks, we still have no real knowledge of their lives, aside from the fact that they both make frequent visits to the laser whitening center. For example, Nick counts Dumb & Dumber among his favorite movies. His experience on the show was a case of life imitating art. As for Josh, he considers going to target practice an acceptable date-night activity. It bodes well for Andi that he enjoys aiming phallic-shaped items at dark circles.
Over the opening clips, Chris asserts that we won’t believe what’s going to happen. Maybe Andi will be abducted by aliens, although that’s more believable than her choosing Nick. He asks: Will either guy really propose? Will Andi’s dream of marriage come true? Or will she be brokenhearted and in tears? I know we’ll be after three hours of this drivel.
Chris opens the show in the studio, live from Los Angeles with an extremely receptive audience. Viewing parties are going on across the country at this moment, he cries. Well, only because people don’t feel comfortable drinking alone. Chris then hints at discord by reporting that the guy Andi didn’t pick was pretty upset–so much so that he followed her on vacation in Mexico, even. And he wasn’t arrested? Or did the show pay his bail so he could be on Bachelor in Paradise?
Now here we are back in the DR with Andi and the boys. Nick arrives first to meet Andi’s family, who are delighted to get a free vacation in the Caribbean, even if it means their daughter is going to marry a shmuck. Mom, Dad, sister, and brother-in-law are empaneled to review the suggested husband material. Nick looks very nervous. Dad is dubious about him, but he’s already disgusted after having to consider Juan Pablo for a future son-in-law. Mom thinks Nick’s too reserved, and not demonstrative enough with Andi. She hasn’t been watching the show.
They sit down to eat a giant repast, proving for any doubters that this a Jewish family. Nick just keeps babbling. He worries that they’ll think he’s a jackass, like the rest of America does. He sits alone first with Mom, who is proud of Andi’s career–the one she completely threw over to be on the show. Mom likes that Nick is open about his feelings, although he isn’t exactly giving Byron a run for his money while he does it. Andi tells her sister that Nick sees her entire soul, and makes her feel like a woman. What did she feel like before, a small kitchen appliance?
Time for Nick to meet with Dad. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! “There is a connection I have with your daughter–I don’t know what it is,” Nick assures him confidently. He giggles nervously as he asks Dad for permission to marry his daughter. Dad seems about as enthusiastic as one of those couples on House Hunters when there are quartz counter tops in the kitchen of their favorite house when they were insistent on granite. Just think how impressed Dad would have been with Chris the farmer!
Cut back to the studio, where Chris says the “amazing” audience is on the edge of their seats. It’s a little early for that, audience, calm down.
Next Josh will meet the Dorfmans. Dad is even more unexcited, since Josh is an athlete, Andi’s dreaded “type.” He says he thought Nick was impressive. Maybe Dad just wants some good deals on software. Josh is a nervous wreck, too, which Dad finds hilarious. Good luck with him, Josh. Mom feels the young beau’s behavior is boisterous and chaotic. So his moods seem to range from dull to manic. Perhaps a visit to a mental health professional is in order.
Sis and Andi discuss the issue of Josh being her standard type, the kind she’s failed in relationships with before. Andi makes excuses to suggest he’s the real deal. Sis ain’t buyin’. She and her hubs meet with Josh privately next. Blurting general terms relevant to relationships, he talks faster than an auctioneer, so for all we know, he could have just recited Chuck Woolery’s introduction to Love Connection. Nevertheless, they approve.
Time to meet with Dad. Josh’s eyebrows, which look like skinny black caterpillars, wiggle back and forth anxiously. At least it’s some form of expression. He describes Andi as gorgeous, beautiful, and the most wonderful girl he ever met. The way he feels about her is “a forever kind of love feeling.” This one fails as a 1960’s doo-wop songwriter. Josh asks for Dad’s blessing to propose. Clearly tired from consuming two large meals in a short time, Dad waxes philosophical and says, if Andi wants you, you animated store mannequin, zei gezunt.
Despite both visits going well, Andi is still fearful that this could all blow up in her face. Now she’s worried?
In the studio, Chris asks rhetorically which man will become Andi’s husband. He’s really good at the ad libbing.
Andi walks along a dock considering her options while dressed in yet another designer caftan. She still doesn’t know what to do. How about converting to Mormonism and marrying both of them? She meets Josh, who is wearing a tank top with a print more commonly found on plus-size bathing suit, to go on a yacht ride. He wants to write the final chapter of their love story, he declares passionately. Too bad when he says something semi-literate, it’s a cliche.
Josh recounts for Andi his convo with Dad, leaving out the part where Dad sneered in contempt throughout the whole thing. “Is this all too good to be true?” Andi muses, after reeling off a list of positives from the “Josh” column on her Excel spread sheet.
We next learn the show has an UnderwaterCam, in addition to the HorseCam, JeepCam, and HotTubCam, so we can see Andi’s bikini bottom from below after they jump into the ocean.
That night, Andi arrives at Josh’s room to drink wine and contrive some drama to entertain viewers. “It’s our last date before this whole thing,” Josh says articulately. He has some questions, he says. But after reciting a chronology of how long various people in Andi’s family knew each other before they got married, he says he doesn’t have any questions. Andi wonders if their relationship can stand the tough times, like being filmed in the moments leading up to your first time sleeping with some guy you just met, and being declared pregnant by a national tabloid after your PR reps plant the story. He thinks they can. And to prove it, he has made her her own baseball card, or at least he asked the art department to make it. It has stats on the back. What, that she’s a 34-B and multi-orgasmic?
We must then endure watching them giggle, cuddle, and coo as soft music plays. Still, she is uncertain about a great deal of their relationship. The studio audience claps appreciatively despite this less-than-upbeat conclusion to the scene. Maybe they dozed off like I did.
Now Nick greets Andi in advance of spending some time with her. She just wants clarity at the end of all this. They’re going to go off-roading so she can gather her thoughts. They arrive at a private lagoon to have a picnic. As they discuss her family, Nick won’t look her in the eye. Andi loves that he made her mom cry. Revenge for Andi’s difficult adolescence. “Nothing will matter more than your daughter,” Nick tells her he assured her father, as if he had stated it confidently instead of reminding Dad of Barney Fife trying to unholster his gun.
Evening falls, and it’s time to bore us with a lot of relationship talk with Nick. He still can’t look her in the eyes, even as he is proposing a toast. Red flag, Andi. She looks disinterested as he begins to express his fears and nervousness about tomorrow. “Sometimes you should just turn your brain off,” she suggests. The entire viewing audience would have appreciated this advice to make it through the full three hours tonight.
“I cannot wait to go grocery shopping with you,” Nick says romantically. Shall I compare thee to a double coupon day? He gives her a gift, and she declares she cannot imagine having this great guy from Chicago. Sounds like not a very unusual find, actually.
Chris asks the audience which guy seems to be doing better, and the clapping for Josh is clearly louder. They can’t imagine going down the cereal aisle in the Stop ‘n Shop with Nick, either.
Returning from commercial, Chris has been allowed to sit down and rest from all his labors. We can’t wait to see what happens next, he says wearily. Bring the man some water, you monsters!
Andi wanders into the yard in her negligee, thinking about which of the two guys she slept with most recently will propose. Then the show very fairly gives us beefcake with shirtless shots of Josh and Nick gazing pensively toward the horizon. “I know this could be the happiest day of my life,” Andi says, but at the same time, she knows she will also have to kick one of these losers to the curb. It harshes her mellow.
Nick is trying to let go of overthinking and follow his gut, which apparently gave him the poor advice to wear a red gingham shirt. He thinks he has this in the bag. Josh considers this day the biggest one in his life–even bigger than his brother getting drafted by a pro-football team! Neil Lane arrives to show him ostentatious rings for Andi. He chooses a big oval one that looks like it came out of a bubble gum machine. It’s perfect for Andi.
But next, the shocking moment we’ve been waiting for and expecting to be disappointed by. Nick opens the door to find Andi there! The studio audience gasps. Chris exclaims that we didn’t see this coming. At viewing parties across the nation, people who weren’t getting more potato chips from the kitchen or in the bathroom are flabbergasted. What does it all mean? Aside from the fact that Neil Lane doesn’t have to worry about getting a second ring back.
Of course, rather than immediately show us what happened, Chris interviews some guests in the studio about what might have happened. One of last season’s bachelorettes is a leading expert on being a loser on reality shows. Then Farmer Chris weighs in, telling us some inanities that are about as informative as the Swedish instructions that came with your Ikea desk. Yet another former bachelor comments on how it feels to experience a contrived moment scripted by the producers. Then some women demands to know who the new Bachelor is. Yeah! The audience clamors for an answer as the camera zooms in on Chris the Farmer. Chris the Host won’t admit it, though, even as Chris the Farmer grins cockily beside him. I hope they’re figured out a solution to distinguishing between the two Chris’s by then.
Finally, back to the Nick Knock. If he was anxious before, now’s he quivering like a tuning fork. After some rather casual “how are yous,” she tells him she thought about how he said the last time he got engaged, he woke up that morning feeling something was not right. That’s how she feels now! Kind of like saying, remember how you found a lump that time and you knew it was a malignant tumor? I’ve found another lump on you now!
She can’t go through with it. “It’s not right,” she repeats over and over. His eyes dart left and right and his lip twitches. She feels they overanalyze everything, except the decision to be on this show. He feels her responses to his loving her were genuine, so he doesn’t understand. “Is this more about us, or is this about someone else?” Nick demands. What, Nick, are you saying Andi is cheating on you?
The scene continues to be stretched out like a chiropractor manipulating a spine as he recounts moments when he was sure she loved him. She just looks miserable. The whole thing is more excruciating than the hamster-blinding scene in The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, and also less well-acted. “I just hope you’re a million percent sure,” Nick tells her somewhat threateningly. Kind of seems like she is, Nicko. But she has not once said she is sorry. They would make a great team.
Gloomy rain, probably created with hoses, falls as Andi walks away from his door in another designer caftan. After a too-long close-up on the waste basket where he threw something that once held meaning, Nick packs, forlornly tossing neatly folded clothing into his suitcase. He drives away, repeating how he was just so confident, and muttering, “What is she doing?” I hope this guy doesn’t like to go to casinos.
Nick Rejected By Andi
Nick Rejected By Andi – The Bachelorette Season 10 by IdolxMuzic
Back in the studio, the audience is respectfully silent. Chris points out that Nick was blindsided. He is the Marlin Perkins of reality-show relationship-progress narration. He tells us that Nick has repeatedly tried to talk to Andi since then, and she has refused–but will be forced to meet up with him tonight on this stage, because this show is horrendous.
A somber Chris welcomes us to view the exciting conclusion of this whole fiasco. We’ll find out together, right now, whether Andi will accept Josh’s proposal. She wanders out to a tiled dock with lots of potted plants, and waits for Josh to arrive. They compliment each other’s appearances. He makes a speech, the largest and most diverse assortment of words we have ever heard come from his lips, about finding love like in books, most of which he probably hasn’t read. He calls her the woman of his dreams and says her smile makes him feel like he can do anything. An entire line of Hallmark cards was plagiarized for this moment.
Now its her turn to talk about her journey and being tested and how she will always remember when he said he would marry the next person he said he loved, which scared her. After a moment of tension when we are supposed to think she’s ditching him, she says she loves him. Time to get down on one knee on that hard tile. I wonder if he thinking about her shtupping Nick. She squeals her acceptance, and gives him the rose, amid lots of kissing and squeezing.
Josh & Andi Engaged
Josh & Andi Engaged – The Bachelorette Season 10 by IdolxMuzic
And what did he lie about, hmmm?
Now it’s time for the hour-long live special, After the Final Rose. Chris loved the audience’s reaction, which was responding promptly to the APPLAUSE sign in the studio.
First there’s Nick to consider. After Andi kicked him to the curb, he put on a scarf and walked moodily by the waterside. He had a hard time going back to the real world, where the paycheck is smaller and you don’t stay in luxury international hotels on someone else’s dime. His mom feels really bad that he was hurt, and feels he deserves answers. Is it that complicated, lady? Andi liked the other dude more.
But Nick called Chris and asked if he could see Andi before the finale. Apparently, she’s so tightly controlled by ABC that he couldn’t call her himself. Chris wants to know what Nick wants. “Are you still in love with Andi?” he asks, as if there were a chance he just wants that ten bucks back that she owes him. He goes to ask Andi if she’ll agree to a meeting, since she’s just sitting around in a room with PRIVATE on the door anyway. She’s not ready to see Nick face to face, though, he reports back to Nick, who wore Converse sneakers for this somber occasion. He gives Chris a letter for Andi which he has tenderly penned on lined notebook paper. Maybe he doodled their initials in bubble letters with a heart around them, too.
Tension in the studio. Chris explains that that was actually Nick’s second attempt, otherwise known as stalking, to see Andi after her rejection.
Now it’s time for Nick to join us in the studio. Well, this is a good way to get extra screen time. Asked how it felt that day when Andi broke his heart and sent him spiraling down into hopeless despair, Nick utters a bunch of fragmented phrases. What does he want from Andi, asks Chris. The camera highlights an audience member’s cleavage. Nick wanted closure. I recommend watching all of Andi’s appearances on the talk shows after tonight’s show.
Do you think she made a mistake, Chris asks next. Nick doesn’t think that’s fair. He likes Josh. But he’ll always wonder how it could have been with them. Or a threesome! Chris says he can see how emotional Nick is, although he actually looks like he dropped some Xanax backstage. Chris taunts him that Andi is there and coming out next. I just hope security wanded Nick at the door.
Next comes a bleachable moment, sponsored by Clorox. It’s really only about the level of Tide Stain Stickable.
Now Andi will confront Nick. Appearing in a white lace mini dress that makes her look like one of Madonna’s fingerless gloves from the 80’s, she sits next to Nick, who fidgets and looks down. Chris asks why Nick asked to be there. He just wanted to express all his feelings about her. Well, she probably didn’t expect he was eager to give her stock tips. Chris prompts him to ask her something. She gazes at him expressionlessly, then says she feels he deserves a great love that is reciprocated. His problem is that he’s sure she was that person. Time to move on already, fella. Nick is like Nixon after he lost the ’62 gubernatorial election in California.
“Did you love Nick, or at least parts of Nick?” asks Chris. After Fantasy Suite night, she apparently was at least fond of one part. She claims there was nothing wrong with their relationship, except for the fact that Josh was a foregone conclusion. This is a lesson in why dating more than 20 guys at once is unwise. Then Nick blurts out that if she wasn’t in love with him, why did she make love with him. Oof! He jabs with a hard left! She bristles that the comment was below the belt. Literally.
Having confirmed that Nick is an even bigger jerk than we previously thought, the show prolongs the discomfort for another few moments. Why did she continue the relationship as long as she did? Because the show is 13 episodes long? Andi explains that she was sparing his feelings by not letting him pick out a ring and propose to her. She probably figured from the way he dresses that the ring he chose would be really tacky.
She says, “You have to know I did care about you,” suggesting she doesn’t care any more. Finally, the desolate encounter is over–but he must remain on stage beside her, staring wretchedly at his hands, as Chris revels in Josh’s upcoming appearance and other exciting events to follow. We’ll be very fortunate if Nick is not up in a tower with a rifle by the close of business tomorrow.
Andi & Nick “Hit Below The Belt”
Andi & Nick "Hit Below The Belt" The… by IdolxMuzic
Lightening the mood now is preview (number 347 in a series) for Bachelor in Paradise, which I am live-blogging as well. So be here next Monday, August 4th, at 8/7 c for more soul-deadening fun.
Josh arrives to rave about how wonderful Andi is. They gave him uppers instead of the Xanax backstage. What do they want to do now that they are public, Chris questions the couple. Oh, to have the freedom to show their faces in the street! It’s must be how Anne Frank felt when she could come out of the secret annex. “We are madly in love,” Josh yelps.
What’s in the happy couple’s future? They’ll live in Atlanta and plan the wedding. Josh will try to get Andi pregnant for real so they can have an ultrasound on the Season 12 tell-all show. We learn that Andi’s frown has a Twitter account, which compels a visit by Grumpy Cat. Please, show, update your memes.
And with that, our long national nightmare is over. Thank you for your support.
