Just like the Stooges, The Magi, and Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, only three guys really matter in the end. On The Bachelorette, it’s Blake, Garrett, and Jason who will lead Becca closer to true love, happiness, or possibly Alastria, a Delta Quadrant planet with a binary star about 40,000 light-years from Sikaris. What happens in the Fantasy Suite will determine everyone’s fate, including the hotel maid who comes to clean the next morning.
The cast is in Thailand this week. I hear Elon Musk sent a submarine to rescue Becca from emotional distress. We will learn that grabbing the brass ring that is the Neil Lane ring was quite a struggle for our plucky heroine. Tonight, wracked with indecision over one man, she wails, “I’m just questioning what the hell is wrong with me when I have a great guy in front of me who’s doing everything I would want, who’s telling me everything that I’d want to hear.” Apparently, his credit report hadn’t arrived yet.
Meanwhile, Blake is getting shpilkus. Similar to Colton, but for less giggly reasons, he’s concerned about what may—or may not—happen in the Fantasy Suite. As the seminal (seminal, hee hee) moment approaches, he says of Jason and Garrett, “I know they don’t love her like I do, so that doesn’t bother me. . . . It’s more like—does she love them?” Or specifically, did market research indicate she should love them? Andrew Marvell covered this ground much more eloquently, but then again, so did Meat Loaf.
We do know, however, that Becca did choose one of these artless clods to be her life partner. She confirmed that she’s engaged a couple of months ago on on Good Morning America. It’s probably Blake, because he’s valiantly following directions to sow doubt in the heart of Bachelor Nation. A consequent marriage is another story, though. It’s like saying you applied to Harvard last week, so you expect to start freshman year this fall. One C+ on an AP exam later, and the dream is dead.
On the other hand, Arie and Lauren are still set to get married in January, no less than Justin Bieber is headed for the altar, and even Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine lasted 32 days post-honeymoon.
All the guys love Becca like no one ever before. She is the partner for life they all have been waiting for. But she dumps one of them anyway.
A little cartoon plane shows us how they flew to Thailand from Los Angeles, probably landing three hours late but without even getting a second bag of pretzels. Becca reviews how she loves Blake and Garrett already, and is coming down the pike toward loving Jason, too. It’s like when the Little Debbie display has Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls, but then you notice the Devil Squares.
Becca and Blake have their date first. They will hike to a sacred temple where, she warns, they are not permitted to violate its sanctity by slobbering all over each other like eels in a tank. You’d think that would’ve made Becca rethink those skinny jeans that are tighter than the peel on a kiwi.
A few orange-clad monks advise them about honesty, mindfulness, and giving in a relationship. Nothing about opening up and being vulnerable, though. Blake initially seems dumbfounded, possibly because he’s never seen a house of worship that didn’t have bingo nights. But he pronounces these to be core values, much like a CEO whose company just had its annual retreat. Impressed by the wisdom of a bunch of celibate strangers, the couple are directed to ring a bell to broadcast their love to the world. It’s the opposite of The Gong Show.
Blake vows to share his feelings with Becca tonight. Night falls on the city as they arrive for the evening portion of their date. He needs to know how she feels because he’s scared she’s fallen for Garrett or Jason, and possibly also an assistant director and the hotel bellhop. Becca claims she’s always felt right with Blake, and never questioned their relationship, except in the episodes where she did.
He tells her he’s more in love with her than ever before, so the prospect of being rejected has become unbearable. It’s like those Manohlos you’ve been envying on eBay, but the bidding is still going on. He must know: Does she feel as strongly about him as she does Garrett or Jason—or both? She gets that feeling, she tells him, because Arie blah blah blah. Also, she saw a Lifetime movie about it. While she won’t say exactly where the other guys stand, she tries to be reassuring.
Blake reveals he’s the kind of guy who looks for reasons to stay. Unfortunately, among the top five reasons are a diverse portfolio and large breasts. They will share the Fantasy Suite. I would’ve tried out for this season if I knew a bottomless bowl of pad thai was involved.
Becca feels contented, safe, and secure with Blake, and thinks she could have a future with him. But first some nookie. Next morning, they awaken, tenderly embrace and murmur sweet nothings at each other. Her make-up is fully intact. Little does he know, she doesn’t look half that good before her coffee.
Despite their night of passion, or least a couple of rousing games of Yahtzee, Blake is scared again, as he feels his love has grown even stronger. They discuss being in one’s head too much, which in fact we see very little of on this show. Becca is helpless to reassure him, though. They kiss goodbye while visions of cuckolding dance in his head. tormented Blake sobs into his tank top.
Jason is next to be considered for a stint in the Fantasy Suite. When he meets Becca, he is committed to building on their relationship, perhaps even expanding the discussion to include their careers or hobbies. They wander the streets past dancers in colorful costumes, ornate ancient temples, and the secret shame of child sex trafficking.
Jason raves about how open and communicative he and Becca are being during each take. “I have found my best friend, partner, and what I want to be my partner,” he enthuses. “What” he wants? Maybe buy one of those realistic sex dolls while you’re in town, Jason. Anyway, he’ll be ditched soon.
But Becca is not so thrilled with Jason right now. Maybe his kissing is under par this time. She feels “weird,” she confesses. She leaves Jason alone to consult some unnamed woman, describing this odd feeling that suddenly came over her, like something that makes you rush for the Pepto bottle.
At the evening date, Becca still can’t shake the feeling that Jason is not for her. But she feels she owes it to him to try to restore their previous status of virtual strangers who have made out several times. Jason is optimistic. He wants a lifetime commitment with Becca, or at least be with her until a new Bachelor is cast.
Jason reminds Becca that his family loved her. He marvels at how with her, he let down his walls, or in his case, tortoise-shell Levolor blinds, and was able to fall in love without fear or hesitation. It felt so good to tell his loved ones that without first dropping acid. Becca looks uncomfortable. She describes the brief moment today when she found herself speaking of the future as if it were only about her, and did not include him or a Netflix account in her own name. She needs to consult a Magic 8 ball for a more articulate explanation of this drivel. Bereft, she leaves Jason again to marinate in contrived drama.
Jason is confused and frightened at Becca’s hasty departure. He’s really on the ball. She returns and begins, eyes downcast, to explain that this has been the hardest thing she’s ever done besides learn to drive stick. That’s as bad as “we need to talk.” She can’t put him through “an overnight” when she doubts her feelings for him. He insists she shouldn’t close the door on them until she experiences his legendary swirl move in the sack.
Becca declines. Sighing, Jason tells her he hopes she finds happiness. She quietly walks him out before they hug goodbye. If only all break-ups were this calm, with no plate-throwing or profanity, we’d have no gossip pages to speak of. “Tough feeling,” Jason tells us, as if his team failed to win the World Cup.
Now Becca is overwhelmed with uncertainty. She regrets that she couldn’t explain to him why he didn’t get a chance to see her naked. “He’s such a good person,” she mourns. So introduce him to Tia. She sobs wretchedly, insisting this is what Arie did to her. Didn’t she see the footage we did? While she had to give up the Neil Lane ring and a People cover, Jason just missed one more paycheck.
The next day we find Becca curled up on a sofa in what appears to be a coma. She should have a spa treatment, and she’ll feel better. The camera creeps stealthily around the room as if it thinks we don’t know there’s a crew behind it. The lens peers around door frames and through small spaces like a serial killer stalking his victim in an 80’s movie.
Later, Becca’s all smiles on her date with Garrett. They maneuver a bamboo raft down a river before stumbling onto a raucous party. Kids splash water on them, loud music plays, and the locals scream as they pass. A typical date for me in midtown Manhattan.
They then sit on a dock to talk about communicating and being sure about their feelings. With Garrett, it feels right, Becca claims, but he must reveal the depth of his feelings for her. I would pay cash money if she suddenly realized Jason was the one, and raced home to interrupt his wedding by screaming “Jaaaasoooon!” from the church balcony.
Their night-time date is a picnic outside. “We’re in Thailand!” Becca says cheerfully for about the fourth time. The tourist board didn’t want channel surfers to think this was China. Garrett claims navigating down the river was like a relationship. For example, there’s not enough space for two people, and it takes a lot of effort to not get very far. As they babble more about feelings, Becca inevitably brings up Arie’s myriad sins. Her blog about this must have more posts than MJ’s.
Garrett tells Becca he’s in love with her. She confirms they are on the same page, so he gets the Fantasy Suite key. I wonder if Chris ever plants a toilet cam in there. Garrett is rhapsodic with joy. His love for Becca knows no bounds. They enter the suite and off go the lights. What’s going to happen in the next half hour? Aside from a mind-numbing series of commercials for cars and make-up while America wonders if uses the ribbed-for-her-pleasure kind.
Next morning, they wake to gentle rainfall and birdsong. Garrett keeps his chest covered modestly. Becca hasn’t told him yet, but she feels the same way about him as she did for Arie. I mean, as he does for her. Garrett is so happy, he uses more superlatives than a presidential tweet.
Look! It’s Jason! He’s stalking through her hotel lobby, intent on earning Becca back or at least logging some more air time. He knocks firmly on her door. From outside, we hear her say “Oh, God” with about as much surprise as when On Demand doesn’t have the episode of The Pioneer Woman she wanted to watch.
Jason asks to speak to her for a few minutes. He was shocked at how abruptly Becca dumped him, and with so inane an explanation. So he couldn’t leave Thailand until they talked some more, and also after he visited the hotel gift shop. He reiterates the depth of his feelings, and that he saw a future with her.
Becca doesn’t want Jason to think swapping him out for Garrett was done hastily, and begs him not to question his journey on the show. He must not resent coming in third when he was no less appealing than the other people there, much like Elliott Yamin.
He has something to give her, since an orgasm wasn’t in the cards. What is that, a photo album? A slam book? Recipes from The Pioneer Woman? Whatever, Garrett’s going to toss it in the fireplace first chance he gets. Finally, Jason concedes his loss and leaves. Afterwards, Becca insists he deserves only the best, in which case he shouldn’t accept an invitation to be the next Bachelor. Also, what a lame moment of drama. Can’t one of these guys stand on a ledge or something?
Becca travels in a boat to the last Rose Ceremony. She still can’t choose one guy over the other. Personally, I could barely tell these two apart until about episode 6. Blake arrives at the location first, and confesses his love for Becca. Garrett follows suit, with Chris just having to mention his divorce. He needs to shave.
Becca arrives and chats inanely with Chris while the two guys wait in anguish 40 feet away. She points out to them that Jason is not present, and not because he had a dentist’s appointment. But she assures them she is confident standing there now with two roses. No need for the tension of who won’t get one, so why not hand them both over at once? Garrett gets the first one and Blake accepts the second. Does that mean anything? It’s not alphabetical order.
Next week, they’re going to the Maldives, after which the Men Tell All, and in pretty angry tones. We all missed Jordan and Chris so much.
Will it be Blake or will it be Garrett? Will it be Tweedledee or will it be Tweedledum? In any event, Becca cries. That’s all next week during the “unbelievable series finale.” That’s a pretty low bar, Chris Harrison.