Survivor— Season 29, Episode 2 — Live Blog and Discussion

Survivor Season 29 Episode 2 Live Blog

In an effort to imbue the job title of “reality TV show host” with a gravitas akin to “budget analyst” or “epidemiologist,” Entertainment Weekly turned to Jeff Probst for his assessment of which cast members show the most promise this season. They’ve also scheduled an interview with me to learn which commenters I think have what to takes to make the rudest remarks over at the Big Brother recap.

At the outset of the competition, Jeff has his eye on Val and Jeremy, and not just because he’s seen Jeremy shirtless.  They’re both “ballsy,” he says, despite her not even having any, and Jeremy is very likeable. Hmph, likeable doesn’t catch the knotted rope ball between the upright spikes, pal. He also likes Keith and Wes, whom he describes as “not the kind of people we’ve seen a lot on Survivor,” although he doesn’t explain how they are dissimilar from previous participants. Fonder of chewin’ tabaccky? Less likely to vote Democrat? Jeff is also enthusiastic that the two Louisianians offer viewers “some regionalism,” lending to the possibility that they will bust up a chiffarobe or hold a revival meeting during the course of the show.

Josh and Reed are also on Jeff’s list of favorites, in part because they are not only gay, but active in their church. You know, because it’s rare that a gay couple aren’t pagan idol worshippers in league with Satan. Jeff also marvels that they are “saving themselves for each other,” which is not only an odd item to have included in their show applications, but does not indicate whether they can weave a fishnet from some palm fronds. The host also notes with a wry laugh that, because Reed and Josh are so trustworthy outside of the game, he wonders if he could trust them inside of the game. I‘d stitch that on sampler if I only knew what the hell it meant.

Let’s see what our loved ones are up to this week, after we see a recap of what they were up to last week. Since I forgot everybody’s names already, this clip is useless to me.

Night 3 for Coyopa: It’s dark. A night-vision camera documents the scene as Josh tries to explain to Baylor why he voted to throw her out: He doesn’t want the guys to know they are allies. She looks blank and uncomprehending, although that may be because that’s her resting face.

Next day, the other team are busily building in between performing various gymnastic feats that showcase their toned body parts. It appears they have lost their flint. Jon asks Keith if they need it to start a fire. “Ayet hay-elps,” he replies, injecting some regionalism into the first five minutes of the episode.

Time now for a challenge. Jeff greets the motley crew heartily. Easy for him as he did not have coconut shards and dew for breakfast. Natalie is distressed to see that Nadiya is missing from the other team. “What does that feel like?” Jeff asks searchingly. She is crying for the first time in ten years, she claims. Jeff is impressed: His show brought her to tears when two failed rounds on TAR didn’t.

To the games. A pair of loved ones will each carry balls on a huge paddle through an obstacle course to reach a game board where they will roll the balls into slots. It’s like a giant one of those puzzles in the plastic case where you have to get the silver BBs into the holes, only sweatier. The prize: A “massive amount” of fishing gear. No wasabi, though. John wins the first try, so he’s up against whatever stacked blond he came in with. Oh, Julie. Evs. The camera shamelessly hones in on her cleavage as she ducks under the logs.

Do we really need Jeff to announce every moment of the action like he’s Howard Cosell? It’s not as if the players’ strategy is so complex. John has to go back a few times because he keeps dropping his ball. He must have been known for his batting. Julie arrives to start trying the slot game, her bosom quivering in a non-family-hour like manner as she heaves the ball. Butterfingers John is about to lose the challenge.

“Nobody would predict this!” yells Jeff insensitively as Julie takes home the win. She must now choose who will join John on Exile Island. She picks Jeremy. All these “J” names–it’s like watching 19 Kids and Counting with partial nudity.

Smug in their championship status, the Blue Team speaks up ask to trade a bag of beans for some replacement flint. That didn’t work out well for Jack, either. Jeff sneers at their attempt to hoodwink him. He demands all the fishing equipment as the exchange rate. The teams discusses the offer, and agree to his draconian terms. The guy is the Koch Brother of San Juan del Sur. Jon admits it would have been nice to have all that fresh fish, and he was a moron for losing the flint. We kind of didn’t need him to tell us that.

Everyone high-fives Julie back at the beach. Except Natalie, who is still crying and must be comforted. She’s all broken up to be separated from her sister for a few lousy weeks, but she’s perfectly happy to walk around with ombre hair. At the other team’s camp, they’re discussing how John got in trouble for saying racist things in an interview when he played for the Braves. I can just see the headlines: OFF HIS ROCKER…ROCKERING THE BOAT…BETWEEN A ROCKER AND A HARD PLACE. Have they added a rider to the contract requiring all professional ball players to have loathsome characters?

On the island, Jeremy remembers that interview, too. As well he might. He is concerned that John take care of Val, though, and tells him that he’ll take care of Julie on his team. Ebony and ivory/Live together in perfect harmony…

They take their notes out of the urns and find obscure clues written in cave-painting font on faux-dessicated goatskin. Did primitive Nicaraguans write on parchment? Then again, they probably didn’t have tiki torches or string bikinis, either.

That over, it’s time for another challenge. Using heavily padded bags, they must knock their opponent off a platform into the water. These are pretty banal competitions.

First Jaclyn goes up against Kelley. Do ANY of these broads have cup sizes smaller than a cereal bowl? Kelley quickly goes into the drink, and brothers Alex and Drew are up. It’s a time-honored ritual, the brother-on-brother pillow fight. Drew wins, as big brothers always do, because they cheat. Mooooom!

Wes now goes up against Jeremy and I missed who won, but I can guess. Val and Natalie follow. They fall to the floor and roll around in classic catfight style. Natalie wins. Now John vs. Jon in a wild conflation of tanned flesh and tiny shorts like gay porn. Jon prevails. Score one for the non-racists.

Next, mother vs. daughter. Missy strikes first, leaving Baylor with a split lip. She’ll be seeing a therapist for the next 35 years. Recovering, she knocks Mom into the water with a powerful wallop. Jeff announces that Missy lost her fight after injuring her daughter, but it appears more that Baylor was being bitchier than a meter maid with PMS.

Josh against Reed next. They usually oil up first. Reed wins the round, not surprisingly since Josh looks like he has sunstroke. It’s Keith vs. Dale next, which looks like it requires paramedics to be standing by. Finally, Jacqueline goes against Kelley. Kelley again? Are there two of them? If the name doesn’t start with J, I can’t keep track.

Jeff asks Dale how he feels about his daughter doing this. “I’m not watching,” replies Dad anxiously, as though she were preparing to jump out of a plane. Kelley gets the last push in, scoring the win for the Blue Team. It’s the second Tribal Council for the Orange Team. What a bunch of wusses.

They march desultorily back to camp. John’s ready to search for his clue, which says dig well, north south, or something. He finds a medallion, which buys him extra time. He plots strategy with Josh and another guy. These rules are so complicated. How come they vote people off by collusion, instead of just trying to eliminate the ones who aren’t good at the challenges? Oh, ha, look at me, trying to be logical.

John tells Val he’s going to protect her. She should use the idol she claims to have for immunity tonight. Everyone will vote out Baylor. Also, Colonel Mustard did it in the Library withe the Candlestick.

Night falls. Jeff confronts the Coyopa members and demands to know why they’re such losers. John thinks they can work it out eventually. Jeff snorts that that would be fine if they had the luxury of time. Josh compares their process to producing a Broadway show. If they can only get a decent backer, they can be a hit. Then the infighting begins. You know someone is sincere when they make accusations without looking at the person they’re accusing. Val charges that Baylor told her to vote for Dale, but it’s unclear why this a betrayal of Val. Everyone is suspicious of Val’s claim that she has two idols. Worse, Greg, Peter, and Bobby are trapped in that cave with Vincent Price.

The voting begins. It’s obviously down to Baylor or Val. Who names a child Baylor, anyway? “Will anyone play hidden immunity?” Jeff asks, as if questioning a witness at the Nuremberg Trials. No. The votes are read: Val, Baylor, Val, Baylor, Val, Baylor–he’s obviously selecting these at random–Baylor, Val. It’s a tie! There must be a revote with Baylor or Val included. John votes for Val, annoyed because he told her to show her idol. Here we go again: Baylor, Val, Val, Val, and Val. Jeremy is going to be less forgiving of those blacks-on-the-subway comments now.

Jeff lectures the tribe that something has to change. I think it should be the channel.

About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.