Reality TV usually is the one to elevate its own significance far above its actual station. Yet someone apparently not on CBS’s payroll has described the incident wherein Drew threw an Immunity Challenge to ensure his tribe an opportunity to vote off someone else, then was voted off himself, as a “compellingly told and intensely satisfying” story. And all us philistines mistook it for just a plotline borrowed from Three’s Company.
The author does complain that for all the import attributed to the tribe members’ plotting, there is “very little synthesizing of what any of the strategy actually means.” It may be ambitious, however, to suggest that random clips of bickering, kvetching, and conjecturing without any facts in hand is material that could, in fact, be synthesized, let alone fathomed by anyone who has not recently dropped some top-notch nembies.
Of course, all this is asserted by someone who also finds it “shocking” that Missy and Baylor chose to side with Jon in voting Jeremy out, because “there is no logic to this decision that I can see.” After all, a slavish devotion to logic has been the defining characteristic of every player on Survivor this season.
So three idols are still in the game, Jeff reports–finally some information we can use, although what for, I don’t know. Huyopa returns from the Council, stricken by the loss of Jeremy and plotting anew. Keith was sure Reed was going home, but then again, he appears to have fought one too many fires without appropriate respiratory protection. Reed thinks it’s awesome that Jeremy went home, and now wants to take out Jon, whom he believes thinks he’s alpha male around here. So apparently, on Survivor, you may eliminate someone for presumption of alpha malehood, for failing to join an alliance, or for being Natalie’s twin sister.
Natalie feels totally blindsided by the vote. With all the strategizing going on all the time, how come so few people ever expect the actual results? Jon shares with her, Missy and Baylor that he has an idol, but Natalie is determined to find an idol and get rid of Jon. Wow, being an alpha male sure isn’t the advantage it used to be.
On to the Reward Challenge. The teams must dive into the water, swim to and climb a platform, jump off and grab a hanging key, swim to collect some puzzle pieces, unlock them with the right key and use them to build a statue. The prize is to deliver baseball gear to kids in need of recreational sports equipment, then watch them play while eating “baseball food,” which according to Yankee Stadium concessionaires is defined as stupendously overpriced nachos and flat beer.
Keith is out on this one. Wes is against Jon first, then Missy and Jaclyn. Are there piranhas in that water? I mean, besides the contestants. Baylor swims against Reed, then Alec versus Natalie. This is pretty boring. They have four keys and must try to unlock their puzzle pieces with the one that works, so they can start building their false idol. First world problems.
Baylor cries when her team loses. It’s because her mom hasn’t won a reward yet, she claims tremulously. Reed gives Missy his place on the winning team. “It’s about doing good for other people,” he says, as everyone in America wonders what the previous 28 seasons were about.
Wes is sent to Exile Island, where his complete lack of personality does not merit documentation by the cameras. After happily dispatching the winners to their hot dogs and caramel corn, Jeff gives a cursory nod to the losers and sneers, “I got nothing for you. Back to camp.” He would make a great IRS auditor.
The winning team derive great personal satisfaction from handing out the sports gear to the needy Nicaraguan baseball-playing children. As Jon feeds a child ice cream, we learn that he always wanted kids but medical issues prevent Jaclyn from having them. He won’t leave her, though, because she has large breasts and they can adopt. Their tribe mates can be excellent character witnesses for the agency.
Back at camp, Reed wonders if Keith knows what the hell is going on half the time. As do we all, Reed, as do we all. He tries explaining his strategy for splitting the vote and ultimately taking out Jon. Keith looks as blank as a possum caught in the pickup headlights. Meanwhile, Natalie and Baylor go in hunt of the idol. They dig in the middle of camp and find it. Giggling triumphantly, they rush away to examine it, and commence plotting to eliminate Reed first so they can then get rid of Jon and have a majority of girls. Jaclyn might be harder to convince about that strategy. Also, if the goal is to have an alliance of the women, what difference does it make which guy goes first?
Thank heaven for the Immunity Challenge, the only segment of the show where everyone largely keeps their mouths shut. They must each balance on a structure, of brightly painted wood, of course, with their feet on a narrow perch and both hands grasping a handle above their heads, while Jeff attempts to get them to come off, or they let go or slip off. It resembles an evil Star Trek alien’s torture device. Jeff even kind of looks like a Romulan.
First he presents some sugary treats. No takers at first, but then Jon steps down and chomps on a Kit Kat. Seems reasonable. Missy gives up next, from a charley horse or menopause or weak ankles. Next Jeff brings out chocolate chip cookies and milk, which Jaclyn grabs immediately, along with Baylor. Next is fried chicken, which Wes leaps upon. The flesh is weak. The remaining cast is getting twitchy. After an hour and a half, Keith, who looks like a Christ figure minus the crown of thorns and the basic human decency, gives up. Natalie, Alec, and Reed are left, squirming and droopy, until Alec collapses.
Three hours have passed. Reed shows off his biceps for any other casting directors in the viewing audience. Natalie asks if any more food is forthcoming. She rationalizes that if Reed won’t give up, she might as well get something for it if she does. This is the most coherent thing to come out of her mouth the entire season. Jeff produces pizza, beer, chicken wings, and cookies. She takes it, and Reed wins. He does a front split in the sand. Josh is a lucky man.
Reed surmises that Jon stepping down so quickly means he thinks he has nothing to lose. Reed will change that. His plan is have other people think four people are voting for one person and three for another, but really the four are voting for someone else entirely. How do you pull that off with only nine people involved? Jon and Missy discuss who will actually vote for whom and why, but they have no sure answers. It must be what a meeting of the Democratic National Committee was like before the mid-term elections.
Josh and Jeremy arrive to observe the Tribal Council. Jeff asks Jaclyn about being blindsided. She has no idea what might happen, which is what being blindsided is. Alec looks slackjawed. Jeff points out that no idols have been played, even with all the talk of trust. Talk is cheap, Jeff. Keith says, “Steek ta thah playan,” and everyone’s eyes dart around nervously. With all the plotting and conjecture, Baylor feels like she’s looking in a funhouse mirror, but that might be because she hasn’t been eating enough for a few weeks now.
Voting begins. Natalie murmurs to Jon to play his idol. He’s uncertain,but when Jeff asks, he plays it. Then Keith steps up and plays his. “Oh, snap,” whispers Jeremy, coining a term. Votes are for Jon, Jon, Jon, Keith, Keith, Jon, Keith, Wes, and Wes. So long, pal, hope the fried chicken was good. Reed looks disgusted, while Alec, in a variation on slackjawed, looks dumbfounded.
“You guys are clearly playing this game in the moment,” Jeff says, failing to point out how else they might play it since there is little room for long-term planning in a 13-week series with weekly eliminations. Next time, during two hours of this idiocy, Jon and Jaclyn have a fight. It’s probably about her not wanting 12 million people knowing about her reproductive health.
