Trusted sources, or rather poorly designed entertainment sites, report that Lauren Bushnell, the 25-year-old with a face like a cartoon hamster who has long been the favorite to win this season, was arrested in April for public intoxication. This mildly concerning revelation may mean that her and Ben’s wedded bliss is over before they even reach the lavender-and-peach-themed altar. Or we might have to wait until their two-month anniversary for them to break up, like with everyone else who’s met on this show.
How can the upstanding, devout Ben accept that one of his two true loves is a lush who tosses back wine coolers like they were so many Jujubes? Will his mom refuse to allow this shameless floozy to be the bearer of her grandchildren? Can the franchise recover from such a powerful blow to its untarnished brand? Untarnished by this particular scandal, that is, which is less shocking than the 18th time we saw naked photos of Miley Cyrus.
The cynical Bachelor-viewers among us, which is everyone except the people who continually misspelled Juan Pablo’s name in the comments on People magazine’s page, presume that this spicy-as-oatmeal tidbit was deliberately plied to the press to cause those who immediately pegged LoLo as the next Mrs. Higgins to waver in their certainty, and rush to their TVs tonight to learn if, in fact, JoJo ends up with the Neil Lane ring. They’re also the types to complain that my sentences are far too long, but in that case they can be confident they are correct. What we do know for certain is that no one will make a biopic about any of these people.
And so it begins, the emotional season finale where Ben must deal with having told both women he loves them, disturbing his mother in the process but interestingly, not his father. He must choose between Lauren and JoJo. Both are tormented by his possible love for the other, which was inevitable if you date a guy at the same time he’s seeing several other women. “I’m a lost man right now,” Ben reports.
Chris greets the live audience in the studio who will watch the show with us, although probably not while enjoying Little Debbie snacks. Chris wonders aloud, and very loudly, if this will be the most dramatic finale ever, at least since last season’s most dramatic finale ever. With a reverence generally reserved for scientists identifying a cure for Alzheimer’s, he notes that for the first time, a bachelor told two of the final three women he loved them, instead of boinking both and then rejecting one.
Both Neil Lane and Ben’s hometown pastor are both in the audience, and not just for free publicity. There is also a trellis covered with red roses, because Lane has two absurdly expensive wedding bands in his pocket, while the pastor stands ready to marry Ben and Lauren right here on this stage before the night is over. That might render huge ratings, but since the bride didn’t get to register for gifts, it’s likely not going to happen.
As the taped proceedings begin, we find Lauren suffused with happiness over her feelings for Ben, while JoJo has zero doubts about him. Wow, is one of their faces going to be red. The question now is, which woman will make the best impression on the senior Higginses? Because Ben apparently can’t even choose a tie if his parents don’t first approve it.
Ben reveals to them the dilemma of his twice-proclaimed love, to which Mom responds insightfully, “Wow.” Then Lauren arrives with flowers and wine, which is ironic now that we know what we do. The parents greet her joyfully, especially after they find out the wine isn’t from the supermarket. Lauren confesses to them that she told Ben on their first date that she wanted to meet his parents. Now she is embarrassed about it, because they’re not very interesting people.
Dad takes her aside and tells her there’s a twinkle in his son’s eye, which might not just be him recalling Fantasy Suite night. Lauren assures Dad she’s very much in love with Ben, or at least the idea of Ben. Mom wants to know if Lauren is aware that Ben tends to distrust himself, maybe because his dependency on his parents makes the Manchurian Candidate’s mother look like Caroline Ingalls. When Lauren wonders how she can be supportive of Ben in his moments of doubt, Mom explains that she needs to “talk him off the ledge.” Lauren thinks she’s ready to do that for Ben. This is more romantic than Tristan and Isolde.
Lauren explains to Ben that marriage is a big commitment, which she learned from watching old reruns of The Newlywed Game. She’s ready to take that step with him, though. She’s confident that he’s the one she’s meant to be with. She looks forward to the entire Higgins family absorbing her by intercellular diffusion.
Next the Higginses will meet JoJo, who is nervous at the prospect of meeting her potential future in-laws. What if they’re like The Lockhorns? Mom insists they’re not scary people, although she could reduce that impression if she put on some make-up.
Ben laughs that he and JoJo are so in love, they forgot to notice the Hoover Dam. They were more concerned with other means of blocking a flow. Dad wonders privately if JoJo can compete with Lauren, who has set the gold standard for famewhores. JoJo tells Mom that Ben makes her feel safe, something which Ben also said about her. They’ll have both a first-aid kit and a fire extinguisher in their bedroom. She shares with Ben about her zero doubts about him. But where is he in the relationship, she wants to know. “Yeah,” he says without conviction, before eagerly making out with her.
He returns to discuss his two-girls, one-ring dilemma with the ‘rents. Dad agrees that either one would be “spot on,” much as he assured Ben a Volvo would be as good a choice as a Honda. Mom feels bad that he can’t make a choice, and even worse that her son is such a blithering idiot. Yet she believes whoever fills the role of his wife will be blessed, just like both Darrens on Bewitched were.
Yet Ben still yearns for clarity. “My heart is in two different places,” he reports, “and my mind is in two different places.” Actually, his mind is in one place below his waist. Meanwhile, at the studio, Chris fires up the audience so much that a Lauren supporter may sucker-punch a JoJo fan.
Ben has prayed for answers. If he’d done that earlier, God would have suggested not meeting women cast on a TV show by a communications major. He and Lauren go for a boat ride, during which they embrace and coo tenderly at each other. Nevertheless, Lauren notices that “his mind is heavy,” and it makes her nervous, especially since her mind is pretty light. While she’s confident about her relationship with Ben, there’s still JoJo and her C-cups to take into account.
It’s a conundrum for Ben not unlike the one King Solomon faced with the two mothers each claiming the baby as hers. He could offer to chop the Neil Lane ring in half. Instead, he takes his mind off the issue by making out with Lauren. He considers that while he loves her, he and JoJo alone have been through the “tough things,” which appears to have been the day the craft services staff ran out of bagels. With Lauren, however, it’s been all resort hotels and flattering lighting.
That night, Lauren feels defeated over Ben’s obvious doubts. This is their last night together before he might get down on one knee. To help him decide, maybe she’ll offer to get down on both knees. During their date, she questions him about it all, in addition to assuring him of her own strong feelings. Watching this scene later, she will learn that, like Barbra Streisand, her nose looks better shot from the right. Ben nuzzles her, then tells her she has made him a better person–admittedly, not that difficult an accomplishment–and certainly a wealthier one.
But it’s not good enough for her. Tears stand in her eyes as she imagines a life without the man she loves, and also without a camera in front of her 18 hours a day. She buries her face in his chest before he reluctantly leaves with a lipstick smear on his shirt.
“I really don’t know what I’m going to do,” she says mournfully afterwards, since obviously Caila gets to be The Bachelorette.
Back in the studio, Chris explains that we just watched Ben get emotional about Lauren, and the astonishing revelation that he’s also in love with JoJo. The audience is noticeably moved, probably at how Chris can say all this crap with a straight face.
Ben tells us that at this point, he is forced to compare the two relationships, whereas before he only cared about breast size. He meets JoJo for their last date. Will this day’s events make his decision any easier? He will continue to pray for clarity, even though it seems like maybe it’s time to try Dear Abby. In the meantime, he jams his tongue down JoJo’s throat. Her only concern is that it’s weird that the driver’s side of the car is on the right in Jamaica.
JoJo has grown so close to Ben in these weeks. She feels they’re on a really good path together, likely created with Cambridge Paving Stones. They leap into a clear blue lake and contentedly make out under a waterfall. Yet there are things they haven’t talked about, such as what compels him to wear those horrible baggy shorts. “I have so much faith in you and I,” she tells him. He must be clear with her that he loves Lauren, too, and he doesn’t know what to do right now. This blows her mind. What is he so torn about, she wonders, other than that Lauren’s name is not the same as a clown you might hire for a child’s birthday party.
“I’ve never been this scared,” JoJo reveals that evening. Ben comes to pick her up, greeting her with “Hi, beautiful” as he did Lauren, but that might be just because he has a limited vocabulary. She confesses how confused and sad she was earlier today while swimming in a neon-yellow bikini. Ben chokes up as he tries to explain that he didn’t expect to be in such a difficult situation until the producer showed him the script for this episode.
“What is it about you and I that you struggle with? Please be honest,” JoJo says, as educated viewers are honest in their irritation that “you and me” is the proper usage. “I don’t have one thing,” Ben responds. “I wish there was one.” He’s no help at all. He reassures her of the strength of their friendship, great passion, and similar Q scores. But JoJo understands that he can’t really say how he feels because of the “other person” involved, which may mean the director. They end up talking more in the bathroom, which is a challenge for the sound man and makes you wonder if it’s because one of them is on the toilet. However, they say nothing we don’t already know, so why the drama of the echoey tiles that make subtitles necessary?
“I’m so tired of competing,” JoJo sobs, apparently unaware of the irony of her appearing on a show that is more about competing than Jeopardy! They part tearfully, with nothing resolved because it’s only 9:20 PM. Ben doesn’t want to be that man who makes the woman he loves feel bad. That’s why he always uses Trojans that are ribbed for her pleasure.
In the studio, Chris reminds us that Ben’s pastor, who is apparently boning up on his bible backstage, is waiting to unite Ben and somebody in holy matrimony. Pre-marital counseling must not be required in his church.
Next day, Ben wakes up just as confused and conflicted as ever, even more so because both women told him they want to marry him. Neil Lane arrives to help him choose a ring, which he explains must suit the woman who accepts it. That’s hard because all the rings are tawdry and conspicuous. Ben describes how he feels about each woman, perceptively noting that they are two different people. But now, gazing at the faputzed baubles arrayed before him, he has made his decision. Apparently, it’s the girl who likes an enormous cushion-cut diamond set in platinum.
As Ben prepares for the final rose ceremony, he is unable to imagine what the two women are going through, although he concedes it likely includes a lot of hair conditioner. Lauren applies a curling iron as she conjectures about possibly becoming engaged, but since she mentions no names, it sounds like getting the ring is the critical aspect of the event. JoJo wears a plunging neckline to improve her chances.
“To fully love one woman, I have to say goodbye to the other,” Ben points out to those of us who are not polygamists.
In the studio, Chris exclaims that it’s a big night. What’s going to happen when Ben has to say goodbye? Maybe the same thing that happens every time a girl gets jettisoned? Followed by several commercials.
Now Ben waits for the women in a little leafy enclave overlooking the water. It makes him sick to say goodbye and break somebody’s heart. But he loves somebody else more, but not as much he loves his mother.
JoJo arrives first. She is hoping Ben will want to start a life with her, and a life that can’t get edited for a WhipClip. She’d been so envious of other people’s loves, and now she has her own, she declares happily. Her fairy tale love life may be completed any minute. She hopes Ben won’t blindside her, but she trusts him not to. They are building her up for a crash bigger than the Hindenburg.
He hesitates as he clasps her hands in his. She tells him how he has continued to blow her away since she first met him. He watches her face impassively. “This is worth it, you are worth it,” she says with intensity. I hope ultimately her appearance on Kimmel is worth it.
Ben begins, “I came into this not knowing if I would find love.” He also came into The Bachelorette feeling that way, but he’s a slow learner. With JoJo, though, the love was real. Then comes the “but,” after which he informs her that he loves Lauren more. “I don’t want to say goodbye,” he says, his voice breaking. “Even today, I don’t question that I still love you.” They should edit this scene into his and Lauren’s wedding video.
“Where did it go wrong?” JoJo pleads. I would say the moment she signed ABC’s contract. He walks her to the limo as she sobs that she trusted him. He says, “I wish I could make it make sense, but I don’t think I can,” which is also what the script editor told him. She rides away, which is confusing since she arrived in a helicopter. Ben cries about how confused he is. JoJo cries about how confused she is. The studio audience cries about their confusion. No one isn’t crying except the sponsors, who love this contrived idiocy.
“This is a love I can’t lose,” Ben says next of Lauren. As he waits for her to arrive, he calls Mr. Bushnell, who seems to not take direction well since he sounds utterly unsurprised. “I would like to ask you, um, for your daughter’s hand in marriage,” Ben says to a hearty response from Lauren’s dad, which ends with “have a great night.” Dad is kind of pervy.
Now Lauren’s helicopter alights. It’s obviously really hard to climb out of one of those in heels. “I want to hear Ben tell me he loves me, not just for the last time,” she muses. “Holy cow,” Ben comments romantically when she appears. He sways nervously as she reviews the brief history of their relationship, which is mostly wine-drinking and retakes.
“I came into this feeling unlovable,” he replies, although surely he must have felt photogenic. Now he wants to spend the rest of hie life with Lauren. Down he goes to present the ring as she titters. “You’re my person,” they each say before he hands her the final rose.
“Oh my gosh, I love you,” she says, following with these immortal words of romance that might well have been penned by Byron: “It feels weird.”
Now officially begins After the Final Rose, with Chris suggesting there are plenty of questions still to be answered, not the least of which is why the studio is always so dimly lit. What, for example, will JoJo say to Ben? Will he be a married man by the end of tonight? And is the new Bachelorette not who you think it is? Maybe Caila has hooked up with Nick, too.
Ben is introduced. “I’m a lot better man than when I started,” he declares, although he looks just as doofy as he did in January. While watching the scene where he rejects JoJo makes his stomach hurt, it was Lauren without whom he couldn’t picture his life. “What’s it like to be in love with two women?” Chris asks. Hasn’t he ever heard Torn Between Two Lovers? Then he taunts Ben with the impending appearance of JoJo.
Ben steels himself for JoJo’s arrival in a tight black dress with a big cut-out over her cleavage to underscore what he’s missing with Lauren. “I will never regret having you a part of my life,” he assures her. Thanks for nothing, shmuck. “It helped to see it was hard for you, too,” JoJo replies without any venom. She recounts how certain she was that they had a future together, only to hear the dreaded “but.” We’ve all been there, hon, just not in prime time on ABC. “I have no less respect for you,” Ben says, although the rest of us find all of them distasteful.
“Do you still love her?” Chris prods nosily. He’s just darling. “Everything happened for a reason,” JoJo has concluded after the ensuing weeks of agonized brooding. The reason being it was scripted that way.
How was JoJo right after she left Jamaica? She thought a lot, prayed a lot, and did a lot of self-reflecting. She realized there was a big difference between the way Ben looked at Lauren and the way he looked at her. He drooled a lot more at her. But she wants to know from him, what was the deciding factor? Did he finally get a look at their financial records? Ben asserts again that he couldn’t picture his life without Lauren. “Are you still in love?” Chris asks her. Ben made her feel very special, as did the make-up lady, so she will always have that. The audience cheers as JoJo and her bosoms depart the stage.
Time to introduce the new season’s Bachelorette, which is. . . JoJo. Good thing she learned from her experience not to be in a situation involving several romantic rivals. Chris congratulates her, as if being the star of season 12 were an accomplishment akin to earning a masters degree.
We return to Ben, now back on the sofa. For the first time in public, Chris announces, here is Lauren to join him. “It’s a sense of relief,” she reports, not to have to skulk around to avoid the press and have sex in remote hotel rooms. although they did enjoy wearing masks. She claims she wasn’t blindsided because Ben kept her up to date on the script. “Would you change anything about the experience?” Chris asks. Well, maybe the tacky really dress she wore at the third cocktail party.
What’s next for these two as a couple? She’s moving to Denver. Their families have talked, probably to grouse about the whole thing. The couple have discussed a wedding, but they want to date for awhile like normal people who met at the coffee shop and appear on talk shows. Then Jimmy Kimmel leaps to his feet to ask some questions, including what exactly happened in the Fantasy Suite. He demonstrates possibilities with naked dolls. They’re probably anatomically correct for Ben and Lauren.
As we go to yet another commercial break, there’s only ten minutes left for the pastor to marry these two in the studio. Their vows will have to end at “to have and to hold.” Chris reminds Ben that he said he would marry Lauren “tomorrow,” then brings out the pastor. Ben giggles nervously before declining, because they want a ceremony with all their friends and family and showers and rehearsal dinners and caterers who overcharge. Then he brings Lauren forward and asks their families to come out. He wants to propose properly, on live TV instead of tape. She accepts, although she’s disappointed that there is not another Neil Lane ring involved.
Chris asks Ben’s dad what he thinks of all this. “I’m a fellow dad,” he points out. Mr. Higgins thinks they’re perfect. Mr. Bushnell also heartily approves, since Intervention is on another network.
Ben thanks Bachelor Nation for being loving and supportive through this whole thing. He must have missed my tweets. Chris wishes them a lifetime of love, happiness, and Us Weekly covers conjecturing about her baby bump.
Good night all, and see you for JoJo’s turn on the most dramatic and emotional season ever of The Bachelorette.
