Alright, settle in now for the second night in Vegas, tonight at 9 EST on NBC. The rest of the acts will come out fighting, or in many cases, sliding down poles, to earn to a spot on the Radio City Music Hall stage. This must be how all the Rockettes felt when they were auditioning, except for the part where the people deciding whether they could dance weren’t a supermodel, a has-been comedian, a former member of an auto-tuned girl group, and a filthy-minded radio show host.
Last week, AGT was the most-watched show in Central Florida. The event viewed by the most people in that period, however, was the George Zimmerman verdict. Incredibly, people were more interested in learning the outcome of a controversial court case that sparked months of impassioned national debate over seeing a group of guys in tuxedos rhythmically slapping a fat man’s stomach. Of course, if that had been Special Head’s week to appear, the numbers might have been very different.
SACRIFICE, lectures the Impact font in a serious shade of blue. Yes, that’s what it takes to become a successful guy who sets his top hat on fire and juggles while riding a unicycle.
Aaralyn & Izzie are back, for some reason. She’s the kid who croaks like Mercedes McCambridge rather than singing while her brother plays the drums. Chloe Channell is there, too. She wants to win this more than she wants to catch a large fish. I often express my most heartfelt ambitions the same way, only instead of “catch a large fish,” I say, “play naked Twister with George Clooney.”
A country singing kid, Genesis Nava, is new to me. We haven’t heard that as a first name before, either. Does she have siblings named Exodus and Deuteronomy? Ciana Pelekai, whose name is explained by Hawaii, is the next kid singer. She’s the first normal-seeming one in the bunch, but that’s kind of like saying Lady Gaga is the most normal-seeming of the current pop divas.
Young Musicians ~ AGT 2013 Vegas Week Finale by HumanSlinky
Magicians are next. After Naathan Phan makes some doves in a cage disappear, drawing yawns from everyone but PETA, the kid who wants to be the teenage heart-throb of magic, Collins Key, appears. He seals an empty envelope, has Heidi sign it, and then claims he will insert into the envelope a page from Howie’s book which they have just randomly selected. Of course it’s in there–but written on the page, which he shows us has been torn from the very same book, is the word Heidi read from the top corner of the page just moments ago. He’s going to have to ruin a lot of perfectly good books if this act runs twice a night. Worse, the kid breaks down in tears after every performance. And he wants to be a heart-throb. Did David Cassidy cry every time he sang Point Me in the Direction of Albuquerque?
The Magicians Naathan, Collins & R.J… by HumanSlinky
Ariann Black is a middle-aged woman magician. She’s been bullied and sabotaged by other magicians, but she just keeps pulling that rabbit out of her hat. Who knew magic was such a tough game? Her act is having an lady assistant appear to pass through her body, but Heidi didn’t get it. As a supermodel, she doesn’t think it defies belief for a person to be able to fit through a solid mass.
The next guy levitates a woman, who, when she is vertical again, tells the judges that Ariann’s act was not very good. That magician is going to go home and find his bunny being boiled.
The Magicians Ariann Black & Leon Etienne ~ AGT… by HumanSlinky
Special Head is next! He explains that a guru in Turkey taught him to control his mind, body, and spirit. You can get thrown in a Turkish prison for that, you know. This time, instead of levitating, he just bends all the way back from the knees until his head almost touches the floor. This is not exciting enough for the judges, who only want him defying gravity in one plane.
There’s a brief clip of a drag queen named Kennedy Davenport, who flings himself around the stage like a platform-shoed marionette, before the arrival of Megan Piphus, the singing ventriloquist. If this gig doesn’t work out, she is condemned to attend law school. She messes up, though–the timing is off and her lips move. Maybe she and the puppet had a fight. But now she can use him in mock trial.
Lil Mike and Funny Bone, the Native American little people rappers, are also back. They screw up their routine, too, although it’s not exactly the Bolshoi Ballet, so who can even tell what the routine is supposed to be. Howard summons them back out immediately and cans them.
Variety Category ~ AGT 2013 Vegas Week Finale by HumanSlinky
Once again, the singers take up the rear. Shaggy Dave Fenley warbles tearfully before the ringer Marty Brown comes on. The judges feel he’s regressed, maybe back to his third critically-acclaimed album. Then comes Paul Thomas Mitchell with the repeat of his story of a dad who’s an alcoholic or a drug addict or something that gets a TLC show. They are disappointed with him, too.
Next is Jonathan Allen, whose parents rejected him for being gay. He sings First Time Ever I Saw Your Face in operatic tones, a gimmick which resembles something from an episode of Looney Toons. After him is Travis Pratt, the high-singing opera guy who proposed at his audition. This time he sounds more like Julia Child in the shower.
Male Singers Category ~ AGT 2013 Vegas Week Finale by HumanSlinky
They then kick off Ariannn and Phan, and keep Key and the couple who dissed Ariann. The Hitmen are safe, too, while Mitchell and Pratt are out. Brown and Fenley are also New York-bound. Some of the kids get their hearts broken next. Timber Brown and the KriStefs are sticking around, as is one of those weirdly named girl singers and the two comedians they liked. This is silly, just keep watching the show and you’ll see who’s going forward. Except–HOORAY FOR KICKS BOWLS LADY.
Now can someone do some kind of study and find out if people cry more easily than they used to at happy moments? And then find a way to put a stop to it.
See you next week, commenters! I love you all.
