Dear Lord, we’re back here again. It’s like watching Matt Whitaker testify for two days straight, only with a lot more hair.
After the drawn-out drama of Cassie walking away from a lifetime of witnessing Colton doing Swiss ball crunches, even Vanity Fair is concerned that the virgin bachelor will end up alone, and possibly tempted to order one of those Japanese sex dolls that can talk.
The piece sagely notes that by tossing the monkey wrench of Cassie’s dad into the mix, the producers effectively doused Colton’s chances with his first choice of finger to receive the Neil Lane ring. It was their shenanigans that compelled the blindsided virgin to fence-leap in a rage that read like a scene from The Pasty Incredible Hulk.
Anyhoo, after last’s night never-before-seen twist, everyone from Cassie’s dad to the guy who paints the fence is booked to appear on Live with Kelly and Ryan.
Hopefully, we’ll find out tonight on The Women Tell All how pissed Hannah G. was to garner barely two minutes on last night’s show. Worse, both she and Tayshia will have learned that neither was ever in line for Colton’s proposal and a life spent producing smoothies and babies. They were both the Tang to Colton’s Sunny D, the Dick Sargent’s Darren Stephens to The Bachelor’s Dick York’s.
Will a proposal be completely off the table now? Would either of them even consider one? Is Colton resigned to joining a monastery now that Cassie has deferred his first boink? Will Chris ask rude questions during this wrap-up episode? Enquiring minds want to know that, and whether David Pecker can help indict Trump.
The big news is Colton has shaved. We also learn that the fence was eight feet high, by the way. All the rejected ladies are in the studio, clad in cheap fabrics and eager to bitch and moan and make accusations. But first, a montage of the previous seasons’ break-ups.
Jason blubbered like a baby. Vienna (Vienna?) was outraged. Ashley I. will never get over being dumped by a farmer. Everyone sobs.
Chris feels Colton’s escape was the most incredible thing he’s seen in 17 years of the show. Probably Hillary losing was a little more unexpected, and they just found that giant bee species in the Amazon, but okay.
Hannah B. reports that she was excited to meet Colton. Onyeka was “ready for it.” Demi likes to take control in the bedroom, so she viewed his virginity as an asset. You know there’s going to be a Lifetime movie about her in a few years.
Following is another montage of the season’s women alternately warning Colton about each other, and confronting each other about presumed psychological problems. I thought I would never have to witness this kind of thing after I returned home from Camp Witchawaukee in ’75.
Onyeka has to pull down her dress when she rises to object to an accusation from Nicole. Everyone talks over each other angrily, carefully containing their boobs inside their necklines, as Chris watches quietly. He should not be asked to moderate the next presidential debate. The discussion devolves into a heated argument about the definition of the word “bullying.” Viewers have already defined “shrill” and “vacuous.”
“Emotions are obviously running high,” Chris informs us helpfully. I wish Don Lemon would say that when Steve Cortes and Ana Navarro are on his show. Chris asks Katie why she warned Colton about some of the other women before she was sent home. Asked to name names, she cites Cassie and Caelynn, asserting that the pair talked of “winning” the show, and the second-placer being cast as The Bachelorette. Katie felt that was inappropriate, although accurate. This kind of dispute is only fun to watch when it’s Alexis and Krystle fighting in gowns with huge shoulder pads.
Next Demi gets center stage to shriek her truth. Courtney deeply resents this slip of a girl calling her the “cancer of the house,” because it’s such a horrible deadly disease. She would have been okay with being called something that can be treated with an OTC med. Meanwhile, Demi can be compared to a groin rash that itches a lot. In fact, she’s one of the symptoms cited on WebMD. After some more sputtering from both sides, Demi looks around the room triumphantly, as if she’s silenced Tom Cruise by yelling, “You can’t handle the truth!” Her agent is even more pleased.
Demi gets to talk with Chris next. We review clips of her being narcissistic, phony, and so shallow as to exploit her loved one’s misfortunes. It’s similar to Ivanka Trump, only she exploits her country’s misfortunes. Demi is proud to be a mean girl who’s reached voting age. To be fair, though, her shade of lipstick is perfect with her complexion.
Demi tells Chris that despite it being hard for her to open up, she is all about emotions. The rest of the women have demonstrated only dispassion and aloofness throughout this whole season.
Previews show that they’re going to ask Colton if he’s still a virgin. If not, I hope he has the receipts.
Nicole joins Chris next. She is known for crying at the drop of a hat, or a virgin. Chris hands her a box of tissues. Nicole’s family taught her that it’s okay to show her emotions. She wants to make them proud, so you have to wonder why she came on the show. Then, for no known reason other than random product placement, she is awarded a one-year supply of Halo Top ice cream. That crap should give her something to cry about.
Now to hear from Hannah B. We review the footage of her telling Colton she’s falling in love with him and that he knows everything about her, followed by him dumping her because he’s not “there” yet. Try sending your meal back at a restaurant with that excuse. Hannah B. explains that as a pageant person, she was used to playing a part, apparently not that of a ditzy southern girl with too many teeth. Chris declares her experience on the show was transformative for her. She is a newly mature woman, ready to be emotionally abused by some other artless clod. The only difference I can see is she’s started using a flatiron.
Time to interrogate Caelynn. We see the footage of her meeting Colton wearing her Miss North Carolina sash, which she flips over to show the words Miss Underwood. Shouldn’t it be Mrs. Underwood? Where are the proofreaders? The scene of her departure after being denied a rose reveals her nose is red, so she’s actually crying. I hope she went home and burned that sash.
Sobbing now, Caelynn admits she is frightened to see Colton again. Chris hopes she can shake the jerk down for some more substantive explanation of why he dumped her. Then he reminds us of Caelynn revealing her sexual assault on the show, adding that he hopes she felt outpouring of love and support from people everywhere, some not even in Bachelor Nation. The audience claps, which seems inappropriate, but this is the show that thinks choosing a spouse via casting agent ensures lasting relationships.
And finally Colton makes his appearance. He’s nervous. It’s possible one of the women has a shiv tucked into her cleavage. Demi tells him she appreciates his honesty, and understands that he ditched her because she was the “leader” and he didn’t want to cede power. After she insults Courtney for no reason whatsoever, Caelynn gets to ask him what happened. Colton blathers nonsense about opening up and sharing and not giving closure and yeah. Caelynn explains that in fact, she loved him, but he didn’t love her, and also e=MC2. Hannah B. concurs that getting your heart broken sucks. She heard Tim McGraw sing about it once.
Colton acknowledges to all present that he could have handled things better, and apologizes to anyone who was hurt, including the ratings. Then Sydney asks him if he is still a virgin. Has he whacked any weeds, plowed any fields, planted any seeds, etc. He doesn’t know what those terms mean, so it’s important that he study the Urban Dictionary before he has sex.
Onto the fence-jumping incident. What was Colton thinking as he ran through the Portuguese countryside in the dark? The answer: “I coulda had a V-8.” In fact, he was thinking, “I coulda had a Caelynn.”
Everyone wants to know what happened after he came back and plucked the burrs out of his pants cuffs, but it’s time for the blooper reel. There’s a whole montage of Colton saying, “Nailed it!” That’ll come in handy later.
Chris says the end of Colton’s journey to love is unlike anything we’ve seen since the Hindenburg or Ishtar. He will cry in several locations and sitting on several kinds of furniture. In the final scene of next week’s preview, he knocks on an anonymous door. But whose door is it? Cassie? Chris? Neil Lane? Portuguese economist and university professor Mário José Gomes de Freitas Centeno?
We will learn on Monday in the dramatic final episode of The Bachelor, and the next night, witness the hyperbole, recriminations, and fake joy presented in After the Final Rose. Maybe Colton will describe what it was like having his lawn mowed, his tree pruned, and his shrubs trimmed. Stock up on wine, Kleenex, and aspirin for the muscle pain resulting from constant eye-rolling.