Aaaiiiee, I’m late! Sorry, I was too moved by Meryl Streep’s Golden Globes speech to face tonight’s equivalent of mixed martial arts for single people.
Anyway, the gals on the group date are getting photographed as brides, with Nick as groom. It’s every mother’s nightmare. Taylor gets a tiara, and feels confident she will impress upon Nick that he should marry her purely on the basis of how effectively she gets Photoshopped. Corinne is in a strong bikini, what many women choose to wear to their church weddings. Brittany, who’s topless with just a wreath of fig leaves over her privates, is a modern-day Eve waiting to know if Nick’s serpent in as inveigling as the Biblical one. One is pregnant and carrying a shotgun, which may well be how it works out in the end.
All of them are wearing white, but let us recall that the color actually represents new beginnings, so it could well signal their being considered as the next Bachelorette. The parade of lace, satin and netting comes forward to be meet Nick and photographed. The scenarios include a biker wedding, rock n’ roll, the 1980’s and more. The photographer has the weirdest outfit, though, kind of a guy-romper in a vintage print. The traditional wedding couple make out extensively, so it must represent a traditional wedding for a Kardashian.
The competition will result in a prize for the one whose shots look most like she wants to go on a real honeymoon with Nick, which is quite a feat.
“I really want you to grasp the feeling,” the photographer directs one girl. She wants to grasp something else so she ensures she wins the prize. Corinne is envious of Taylor’s moving imagery, and swears to beat at her own game.
Back at the house, Liz, the one who slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, reveals that no one else, outside of the crew, network executives, and the PR staff’s cousins, know about her lascivious romp with Nick. She’s keeping mum for now, because she’s there to learn if the relationship could expand beyond her memories of the walk of shame. A simple phone call might have resolved that, but therapists recommend airing out your insecurities in front of a national audience.
Next it’s time to shoot the scene of Adam and Eve getting married, clad only in their fig leaves and a quarter-pound of setting powder. Maybe they’ll be cast out of the show for disobeying God’s command to not gain wisdom.
As they shoot the pool wedding next, Corinne seizes the opportunity to pull off her top so they can do a Janet Jackson Rolling Stone cover, only without the interesting article to go with it.
And the winner of the photo contest is Corinne, because bare boobs always rule the day. She and Nick pose again fully clothed, then drive off with a “just married” sign stuck to the car’s bumper. Something else will likely be stuck to her bumper later.
At the cocktail party, Nick looks forward to having one-on-one time with all the girls, and possibly hold their boobs two-on-two as well. Corinne goes off with him first, as Taylor complains that she projects her sexuality onto him. She might want to plan to do some of that if she expects to win this thing.
Nick thinks Corinne is very sexy, and he likes that she takes the initiative, for example, by taking off her top without even being asked. They make out. Off he goes with Rachel next, and they make out. Raven interrupts another make-out session. They discuss prior relationships, as contestants always do as a form of resume. Her last one was eight months ago, during which she developed skills in pouting, distrust, and envy.
Danielle M. gets the first one-on-one date back at the house. She squeals in delight. Liz insists she’s happy for Danielle, but her expression says otherwise. Then again, her expression says the same thing all the time.
Dolphin Lady is just starting in about her hometown of Secaucus, NJ when Corinne returns to intercept Nick. Incredibly, no punches are thrown. As many of us are, Nick is grateful not to have to hear about Secaucus, NJ so he allows Corinne to supplant the girl. She then returns to the group to meet glassy-eyed stares of contempt. Corinne defends her pushy behavior. She’s probably tweeting about it right now, too.
Taylor wants to follow up on her great connection with Nick earlier today, when they posed in wedding clothes and had their picture taken in various unrealistic poses. That’s how I always get to know new people. They discuss her degree in mental health counseling, so I suspect this is just field studies for her.
Then Corinne comes back yet again, like a persistent rash. She and Nick launch into making out almost without exchanging words. Nick pauses long enough to laud the great time they had today as he manhandled her naked boobs in front of a large group of people.
Then Taylor returns. It’s like a French sex comedy with Parisian vocal fry. Taylor is adamant to make progress with Nick, since finds their conversations intellectually stimulating and feels that Nick enjoys them. Probably not as much as other stimulation, though.
Now Nick is ready to present the rose, of which he helpfully points out there is only one. Corinne receives it. She will have to share it with her boobs. She claims her dad would be proud of her clever machinations today, although possibly not so much with the stripping. Her mom would frown on her dark roots growing out.
Next morning, the gals review Hands-on-Boobsgate. “From an outside perspective, it looks like she got naked, so she got the rose,” a blond concludes sagely.
Now it’s time for Danielle’s date. They fly in a helicopter over some beaches recommended by the local tourist board as they yell at each other romantically over the headsets. Finally alighting on a yacht, they luxuriate on the deck and pour champagne. My first dates were always a subway ride to a moderately priced restaurant, but at least there were no previews.
Liz babbles on again about the horny elephant in the room: Her sexcapade with Nick months before. She wants to reveal it to everyone, but instead confides in Christen as the cameras and audio record it. Christen is scandalized. How can they address the topic of premarital sex on TV? It hasn’t been done since last season. But Liz is determined to find out if she and Nick have a connection, because having gotten naked and sweaty with him just wasn’t conclusive.
The daters conclude the evening with the typical dinner they don’t eat. Paul Ryan should complain about that waste of money. Danielle wants to know more about Nick, and thinks he wants to know more about her than her cup size. Nick describes his various seasons on the franchise, because apparently he has no life outside ABC’s studios. He learned that he wants to be able to trust another person, and not just the executive producer. Danielle understands, even though she has never been on the show before.
For her part, she was once engaged, but the guy died of an overdose. Her experience is more like a Lifetime movie of the week.
The two clasp hands as tinkly music plays. They concur that her fiance’s death was very traumatic for her. Nick admires her a lot more now that he knows her backstory. Just knowing she’s a neo-natal nurse wasn’t so impressive, since it doesn’t call for an accompanying soundtrack. She starts to cry, claiming this was the best conversation she has ever had about this tragic event in her past. Apparently, her episode of Dr. Phil did not go well. She accepts the rose.
Back at the house, the group date members are named. Liz, who is among them, continues to brood about her dark secret–the one about her past with Nick, not the one about her use of freckle cream. Even worse, during their hook-up no one photographed him feeling her up.
The other girls are all anxious and excited as they don their short-shorts and halter tops for the date. They pile out of the limo and rush to greet Nick. They’re in Hollywood to visit the Museum of Broken Relationships, which has a large Taylor Swift wing. Nick has made a donation himself, of a dead rose along with the engagement ring he chose for Kaitlyn. It’s probably a pasteboard copy, though, kind of like his personality.
The group, many of whom are unfamiliar with museums, rounds a corner to find a couple fighting viciously for a listing on their IMDB pages. The museum director walks in, and tells the group they must each stage a break-up with Nick in front of a live audience. Seems like a pretty easy improv exercise.
But Nick is beginning to worry about Liz now, too. Christen assesses his behavior and decides he’s nervous. He hasn’t been making eye contact with Liz. It’s all as fascinating as opening my utility bill.
The group watches other couples breaking up unconvincingly. For some reason, everyone applauds after each confrontation. Someone should have performed as Brad and Angelina–that would really be fun to watch.
Next, Nick and Astrid step up. Her angle is to be angry that he’s dating all her friends. Kristina, the dental hygienist, complains about his oral health. Her future BFs should be take note. Jami thinks he’s too messy. Josephine slaps him for drinking too much. They all think this is a jolly good passive-aggressive time.
Finally it’s Liz’s turn. She’s super-emotional, which is worse than just emotional, because indeed he has been avoiding eye contact with her, although I bet he copped a feel or two. She has written a script. Maybe she was so drunk that night she forgot the salient details. Christen is impressed by how real and raw her soliloquy is, although it feels more to me like Hamlet performed by Gilligan.
Nick has no particular reaction, probably because he forgot his lines. But later he reveals he did not expect Liz to tell “our dating story” in front of everyone. He may not want Liz there anymore, now that she’s shown an interest in a relationship with him. Wait, isn’t that the point of the show?
That night they all go to a club. Nick is still spooked by Liz talking about their sex romp. Has she betrayed him by revealing to the other girls that he’s a liar and a sneak? They already knew that if they watched his other seasons. He must rush to set things right, so he asks all the other women about their past relationships. Jami once dated a girl, she says, which throws Nick off and makes him want to concentrate on having a threesome.
Christen admits to him that she knows all, or at least the half-page of script for that scene with Liz by the pool. Nick is concerned that Liz has spoken out of turn, before he could discuss their hook-up with the others and gain the upper hand. Apparently, he’s never tried not sleeping with someone to prevent them from talking about it later.
Nick takes Liz aside. He reminds her that she didn’t want to exchange numbers after their hook-up, so she must not have wanted to “find love” with him. True, it sounds more like she just wanted to find her G-spot with him. She may be on the show for the wrong reasons! He asks her about it, and she replies about not giving him her number, “But I didn’t really know you.” Other than in the carnal sense, that is.
The other girls wonder why Liz and Nick are taking so much time together. You can only make out for so long, after all. But now he is saying goodbye to Liz. The “time has passed” for them to connect, similar to how the time has passed for me to renew my car insurance. Now he must do the hardest thing of all: Tell the other women everything. Will they think he’s been lying to them? Just as surely as they think he waxes his chest. Liz departs into the night.
He returns to the group to inform them that he sent Liz home. Everyone his flummoxed. Dramatic drum rolls play out the scene as he explains that he and Liz had sex when they met BTS (Before This Season). The women are alternately shocked, horrified, and, in one case, completely unmoved. Maybe that girl recently rewatched him in Bachelor in Paradise.
We shall find out next week what the repercussions are of the revelation of Nick’s thoughtless fling. It should be even more scintillating than taking my Life Strides to the shoemaker for new taps.