Tonight we still have 11 women for Chris to separate from each other like the the chaff from the wheat, to use a rare farming reference. For your handy reference, they are:
- Ashley the Virgin Who Looks Like a Kardashian After Their Nose Jobs
- Becca the One No One Ever Remembers
- Britt the Virgin Who Looks Like an Osmond Before Their Botox
- Jade the Excuse for a Cinderella Movie Promo-Themed Date
- Kaitlyn the Dance Teacher with Bunny Teeth
- Kelsey the Demented Widow and Inspiration for an Indy Horror Movie Called Survivor Benefits
- Mackenzie the Demented Single Mother
- Megan the Imbecile
- Carly the Candidate for Intensive Psychotherapy
- Samantha the Other One No One Ever Remembers, Which Might Mean She’s a Virgin, Too
- Whitney the Fertility Nurse With a Voice That Sounds like She Should Have Her Brake Pads Checked
As you will recall, last week, Kelsey’s revelations about the screenplay-worthy quality of the circumstances of her widowhood compelled Chris to ponder the magnitude of pitting several women against each other as they audition for the unpaid role of Midwestern Farmwife. As a result, he chose to consult with the producers about the ratings implications of restructuring an episode, and the Rose Ceremony was postponed til this week.
Perhaps unironically, the gals and Chris are visiting Deadwood, SD, where there’s a group date, a one-on-one with a horse, and a two-on-one, possibly with weapons. Any three-on-ones take place off screen. But first Chris will proceed with the ill-fated Rose Ceremony. I hope before that, we find out what kind of meds Kelsey is prescribed after the fit she pitched in the hallway at the end of last week’s show.
This week’s celebrity guests are country stars Big & Rich. The group date ladies will perform for them as Desperate & Pathetic.
Here we go. Kelsey is sobbing piteously where we left her, lying on a tile floor with some unidentified woman, who probably refused to sign a release unless she was paid, fussing over her with a stethoscope. The other women gape disinterestedly. They wonder if this is all a big fake show, kind of like The Bachelor. The faceless woman administers oxygen to the prone Kelsey, who then asks to speak to Chris. Maybe she thinks a tongue down her throat will be restorative.
He appears, the picture of concern, apologizes for bringing up their conversation in front of the other women. She has told him she’s worried the tremendous profundity of her nihilist musings made him cancel the Rose Ceremony. Yes, that’s exactly what he said happened. Some guidance counselor she is. After they hug, she returns to the group of women and explains that she fainted from the emotional burden of not having the camera on her exclusively for most of the hour. The other women sneer derisively. Whitney thinks her theatrics will not buy Kelsey a rose, but the Merry Widow feels quite confident. She doesn’t realize that a tendency to faint from emotion on the farm could mean being run over by a tractor.
The women gather for the Rose Ceremony, anxious and restive about their own and Kelsey’s chances. Chris apologizes for canceling, but now he knows what he will do. He discussed it at length over beers with the executive producer. Jade is first to receive a rose, then Kaitlyn. Ashley sobs, frightened at her odds. Carly (Whitney? Evs) gets a rose, then Becca, then Ashley, while looking grim. This chick really needs at least a dildo. Tears fall, women tremble. Next and last is Kelsey. She has plotted well.
Mackenzie, the one who named who child Kale, and Samantha are out. You’d think a farmer would like a vegetable-oriented woman.
Chris asserts that he’s not here for drama, and wants to put Kelsey’s hysterics behind him. He gave her the rose because the viewing audience is here for drama. Off they go to Deadwood. He likes being in the Wild West, where he can get his old-timey portrait taken while sitting in a washtub naked except for cowboy boots. It’s reminiscent of that famous Matthew Brady portrait of Lincoln taking a sponge bath in just his socks.
The women arrive excitedly and examine their suite. Britt asks Kelsey how she feels about her relationship with Chris. She is satisfied at its progression. “I’ve earned a one-on-one,” she laughs assuredly. “I’ve worked hard for it.” Just like Eurydice cynically manipulated everyone’s emotions to attract Orpheus. The date card arrives, and Becca gets the one-on-one. Kelsey looks savagely furious. Someone in Texas should investigate; she may have murdered her husband.
Next Chris wanders through some field to meet Becca, whose teeth have previously appeared in a Crest White-Strips ad. They are going horseback riding, which she has never done before. “She looks smoking hot on a horse,” Chris pants. Have the horse gallop and see how hot that looks, pal.
Back at the suite, Carly is bitching about how Kelsey is not a nice girl. Whitney agrees that she can always play the victim. Why don’t people question her, Carly wonders angrily. So Whitney will be open with her. Three of the women remind Kelsey that she laughed inappropriately at some incident. She is shocked. She refers yet again to the profound moment of having shared with Chris about her husband’s death. Why is this so huge? Was there was no obituary, either? The women accuse her of being mean to them, a side of her which Chris never sees. Kelsey apologizes only for being articulate, smart, and using big words, which would be a problem for the women if they ever had any substantive conversations. “I came here to win it,” Kelsey tells the camera with small words.
Becca and Chris, now with saddle sores, go to hang out in some cowboy-themed setting where they roast skewers of meat. Becca likes Chris’s girlish giggle. He thinks she’s fantastic, and this is the most easy and real date yet. He asks where she sees herself in five years. She wants to have found her Mr. Right and settled down. He also wants a family with four to six kids. He needs a large brood to slop all those hogs. If they’re all girls, they can be the Soules Sisters.
Becca had a troubled relationship before. Now she seeks reciprocation. That’s easy for Chris. After all, he’s comfortable making out with anybody on TV.
Another date card arrives at the hotel. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan are going on the group date. This means Ashley and Kelsey will be going on the two-on-one. Ashley is thrilled. She will kick some ass, she declares. Just the thing to do on a date.
Becca is satisfied with her Western date, but she’s a virgin, too, so the kissing part is awkward. Does Chris know? I forget. But he’s happy with her, too. He gives her the rose and the making out commences. Afterwards, Becca wriggles with adolescent joy at the occasion of their first kiss. Now she’ll write her initials entwined with his on all her notebooks.
Next is a commercial for Jared. You tune in to watch the woman Chris picks get a giant Neil Lane diamond in a platinum setting, while your fiance can only swing a fifth-carat stone in a tacky white gold band.
The group date brings them to some faux-Western downtown. They will each write some country love songs since Chris, shockingly, loves that genre. His friends Big & Rich appear to help them out. Carly is thrilled, since she is a cruise ship singer and so far has had no opportunity to impress Chris with something like her personality or interests. Worried about the challenge, Jade is counseled by either Big or Rich, whichever one looks like he just left Woodstock. He leads her out into the street and they run along it for inspiration. Considering it’s a cobblestone street and Jade is wearing heels, she should be inspired to write a song about her love for her podiatrist. But then she looks up from her writing, and sees Britt being pawed at by Chris. Everyone feels bad that those two have such a strong connection. However, many popular love songs are about being rejected. Others are about getting revenge, hint hint.
Chris wants to see who’s put the most heart into their songs. He’s going to go first, though. Accompanied by a colorful-looking banjo player, he caterwauls like the entire rejection audition reel from American Idol. Next is Britt and her bare midriff. “Britt killed it!” Chris revels, although he didn’t hear a word of what she sang. Kaitlyn raps her song. Next, Carly brings him up to sing right to him, and we learn why Simon Cowell always used the comparison to a cruise ship singer as a criticism. Chris likes her song, though, and everyone admires their intimacy. Now it’s Jade’s turn. She was right, she can’t sing. Afterwards, everyone square dances.
Back at the suite, the date card says one of the two-on-one daters will be going home. Ashley enthuses at how well she will come out in direct comparison to Kelsey. However, compared to a blow-up doll, she doesn’t do so well.
The group daters’ performances are praised by Chris. He really felt what they were saying. Later, he hopes to feel under their clothes. He takes Jade aside and she tells him since that she hasn’t yet touched on her feelings for him, she did that in her song. “I could see being with you and being in Iowa,” she tells him, invoking the passionate love poetry of an Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
The remaining group realizes there is no rose on the table before them, and is perplexed. Kaitlyn tells Chris how this is all so unknown, but Chris assures her all it is is him looking for a soulmate. A soulmate from among a pre-appointed 30 or so women on TV, but a soulmate. Then Chris spirits Britt away. They go to hear Big & Rich sing at an outdoor concert nearby. Britt has a tremendous amount of hair that could easily get caught in a haymow.
The singers call Chris to the stage; he hauls Britt up with him. And there he hands her the rose that was missing from the table. The crowd shrieks their approval as the two kiss. Britt feels special and honored, even though they do not know she’s a virgin. Big & Rich start to sing; Rube & Twit start to dance.
When they return to the group, everyone immediately sees that Britt has the rose. Whitney looks about to breathe fire. Chris insists the inappropriateness of the presentation takes nothing away from how great today was, but then realizes how very wrong he is. As gloom settles over the room, Britt tells the others where they went and apologizes for her special treatment. Everyone else is bitter, humiliated, and grief-stricken. This show is such good fun!
We must then endure a litany of testimonials about how every other woman feels less attractive, less loved, less desirable after this incident in which Chris, a red-blooded American human male, expressed a preference for another one of them. A shame, as they must have felt so confident when they signed up for the show.
Now it’s time for the Kelsey-Ashley date. Chris has donned his asbestos underwear in preparation. They board a helicopter and fly past Mt. Rushmore, where Kelsey dictates the four presidents’ names. Ashley resents her showing off her knowledge of third grade history.
The three gather on a canopy bed set up in the middle of the Badlands, and sock back some booze. Then Chris and Ashley go off alone so Kelsey can seethe by herself. The making out begins immediately. Holding Chris’s hand, Ashley takes this rare moment of privacy with Chris to bitch about Kelsey. Chris insists his wife will be someone who “gels in a group situation,” like an orgy.
Next he collects Kelsey. They stand atop a cliff edge, a harbinger for what’s to come. None of these people ever discuss anything but relationships. “I’m prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one,” Kelsey says, as if she were applying for a position in the front office. Chris informs her that Ashley just told him she’s fake. Kelsey is devastated. Her win is slipping through her fingers. She says it’s just girl talk, and he shouldn’t consider it seriously when hiring a wife.
Kelsey stomps back to confront Ashley. The wind whips their hair as Ashley stares coldly into the distance. Kelsey’s eyes are like lasers. “I know what you did,” she hisses. Ashley acts all “so what,” her Fuller Brush eyelashes flapping. Kelsey tells her that she used to respect her. Ashley stomps off into the metaphoric imagery of the Badlands.
Ashley finds Chris and drags him off, crying. “Why did you tell her what I said to you?” she sobs to him. He needs this like boll weevils. “I couldn’t not hear her out,” he says nobly, explaining how Kelsey suggested it was merely a difference of maturity. In other words, Ashley is a big baby.
Ashley notes how stupid it is that she’s always crying around him. His thoughts exactly. She struggles to keep her false eyelashes in place as the tears appear to fall. Chris tells her he feels the two of them are in different places right now, and he can’t give her the lifestyle she wants. True, she won’t be able to get French tips like that at the dry goods store. She storms off, screaming that he is making a big mistake, then comes right back, perhaps realizing there’s no door to slam in the desert.
She returns to the bed, where Kelsey grins evilly at her. Cut to Ashley packing her bag and leaving as the other women wail in despair. She ugly-cries some more before we see Chris return to Kelsey’s side, sighing heavily. She hugs him as he tells her he jettisoned the virgin. Pausing dramatically, he says he doesn’t know about them, then proceeds with the ol’ “you deserve someone who’s a hundred and ten percent for you” shpiel. Then he gets into the helicopter and leaves her there.
When Kelsey returns and silently takes her bag to leave, the other women cheer and pour drinks all around. Chris should see that kind of gelling with others. The show concludes as he gazes from his helicopter window at the lone dark figure of Ashley standing atop a mountain, reapplying her lipliner.
Next week, a two-day television event. Perhaps Kelsey returns and shoots up the place.
