“Gosh, I have a giant wedge of cheese on my head, haha”
Sparkles is at it again! But sadly, it’s for the last time. Read “Sparkles: The Final Chapter” below. She’s got a fine video of the Cheesehead Mavid dance as a lovely parting gift for you all… And don’t forget the photos. I almost did. The captions are priceless
That’s right, I’m back in my sparkly clown suit, oversize clown shoes, festive clown make-up and snarky as hell attitude to attend the American Idol concert. My imaginary triplets Trixie, Dixie & Pixie have enrolled in Clown School so this will be an adult only trip. Kelly Clarkson may have had her December, but this was My September. And I’m warning you now Kelly, I called dibs on October as well.
So the Sparklebus was ready to roll once again. Do you know what the Partridge Family bus looks like? Well the Sparklebus looks nothing like that because that would be stupid. Not to mention unoriginal. No, to describe the Sparklebus would be like describing the indescribable. But you’d know it if you saw it. I know, my powers to paint a picture with words are unparalleled. Anyway, last time we drove south from the Milwaukee area to Rosemont/Chicago. You can read my long, rambling recap somewhere in MJ’s secret files. As a matter of fact, MJ included links to all of my recaps so it was like Sparkles’ Greatest Hits. So I guess that makes it official: I am not just a legend in my own mind. But this time we’re heading north to Green Bay and since this is a whole new show, it deserves all new observations. From a clown. So consider this my sequel to my Rosemont/Chicago re-crap. We all know sequels are never as good as the originals. Except for …The Godfather 2 and …Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo perhaps. So dont expect too much here. Just read on and judge for yourself. Some of what youll read is true, some is exaggerated for comedic effect and some is just outright lies. I’ll let you sort out what’s what.
So much more…after the JUMP…
So on Saturday night we saw Bruce Springsteen at Harley Fest in Milwaukee. Not exactly the same crowd as tonight’s concert. I’m pretty sure I won’t be seeing pasty white flesh hanging out of a pair of assless leather chaps at this show. Present company excluded, of course. I can’t believe I talked James into seeing another one of these concerts. But he surely knows he’s guaranteed a good time on a road trip with Sparkles. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, kids. So I heard on the radio that it was the hottest day of the year at 97 degrees. It was clear and sunny and an easy drive. The weird thing is it was 30 degrees colder the following day. But as they say: T.I.W. ‘ This is Wisconsin.
Green Bay is known for many things. They’ve got cheese. They’ve got beer. That dude who plays “Monk” lived there for a while. And there’s something to do with some sport of some sort. But to me, it’s most widely known as the home of the Oneida Casino where Constantine Maroulis famously worked as a bingo caller one night. Forget that other crap, that’s what I call history, peeps.
The concert was being held at the Resch Center, just across the street from Lambeau Field. It holds about 10, 000 peeps and I would say more than 3/4 of the seats were sold. When we entered the venue I felt right at home. I just love the smell of stale popcorn, cotton candy & licorice ropes in the evening. Did you know that cotton candy was originally called fairy floss? I’m assuming they changed the name because no boy would eat it otherwise. Now you didn’t think you’d read a recap from a clown and not get any useless circus trivia, did you? But back to the concert…
Our seats were in the lower level near the stage. Before the show started, the woman sitting behind me asked me if I was the type who stood up the entire concert because she didn’t want her view to be blocked. I said that not only do I stand up, but I sing and dance as well. And lady, I mean sing loudly and dance like a maniac even during the ballads. Furthermore, I consider myself the 11th Idol and I do my own 3 song mini set during intermission. So you better get used to looking at my ass because you are going to know it intimately by the time the night is over. As a matter of fact let me introduce you: Sparkles’ ass, meet woman sitting behind you. Woman sitting behind me, meet every glorious square inch of my sweet booty. The nerve of this broad. But now she knows never to question Sparkles because nobody puts Sparkles in a corner. Nobody.
Some people seemed to like the poem I wrote about the Idols in my Chicago/Rosemont recap. That was surely a masterpiece so I’m not sure I can top it. But any Sparkles, even half rate, lame-o Sparkles is something to treasure. So enjoy my “Ode To The Idols Tour: Season 7 Part 2”
The only Idol concert in Wisconsin is at Green Bay,
It was a 2 hour drive but we said “what the hay.”
At first I wasn’t sure Chikeze could hack it,
But he does great, although I think he stole Taylor’s jacket.
The sparkles on Ramiele’s clothes really enhance her,
But I was still distracted by that cute back up dancer.
I’m amazed at all the talent Michael has got,
And he’s super sexy even though he wears an ascot.
Kristy Lee is pretty good on stage & left people wanting more,
Her CD should be a hit but please no songs by the Fab Four.
When Carly sings Heart the urge to sing along will surely seize us,
It’s too bad she was voted off for singing that song about Jesus.
Brooke is genuinely sweet and her talent is humongous,
But she really should wear shoes or she’ll get foot fungus
During “Pride” the poor kids on the screen broke everyone’s hearts,
I sure hope they get some help or at least our pop-tarts.
At intermission, the souvenir line was long but what really sucks,
Is the long ass wait to buy a program that’s 25 freakin’ bucks
Jason sounds great live and I became a real fan,
I’m glad he sang “Daydream” and didn’t shoot the tambourine man.
Syesha sings okay but I think she should act,
Maybe she can make enough money to pay for that rack.
Archie sounds great and that we already knew,
But his sparkly suit is what makes him my boo.
To who said Cookie uses a crotch enhancer, get your facts straight real quick,
Sparkles knows that’s all Cookie and that ain’t no glow stick.
And just when we asked them to not stop the music please,
MJ & Cookie wore some hats made of cheese.
Now the concert is over and we had lots of fun,
This poem is over too, now it’s all done…the end…over…finished…stop expecting a rhyme now okay?
Wow, there were some real awkward rhymes in there, to say the least. And I do believe it’s the only known time that the words Jesus, fungus & crotch were used in the same poem, as wrong as that sounds. I’ll have to keep practicing though so I can write something & set it to music & enter the next American Idol coronation song contest. How will I ever come up with something as brilliant as “magic rainbows” though? How about “spell casting waterfalls?” Or “lucky unicorns?” Does anything rhyme with “butterfly illusions?” Oh, “candy coated dreams” and “marshmallow destiny” sound pretty catchy. This is my now to keep working on it until I make you proud when I win & have the time of my life. Or something like that.
Here are some non rhyming sentences about the show too.
THE PLAN: So my plan was to sneak my camcorder in and record the whole show. They were searching bags but I always manage to get in without getting searched. So I started recording with Chikeze and just let it roll. I had my camcorder on my lap & I just looked down at it & zoomed in and out with my thumb. I noticed through the first few sets that the security guards in the orange shirts were very vigilant about people taping. They would actually go in the aisles and stand behind people & look through their camera to see if they were pressing the button for a photo or taping. They were constantly yelling at people. By the time Carly came out, I saw some guards pointing to my section. Then I saw other guys in suits walking along the floor & looking up towards me while they were talking on radios. So I put my camcorder in my bag & started taking flash pictures to show I only had a camera & the guards were foiled. I didnt want to risk missing Cookie or Mavid so I didnt bring out the camcorder again until DC set. I figured everyone would stand & start running up to the stage and security would have their hands full with that. And I was right so I do have DC entire set & the final group number. Not to mention some great video of Ramiele if anyone interested. I didn’t think so.
THE VENUE: The place is nice and the parking was close & it was easy to get out of the lot. But because of the security guards I wont ever see a concert there again. They were all big guys who took too much joy in telling a little kid to stop taping Archie. Bullies! Ogres! Meanies! The people at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee are actually way better. But the best, in my opinion, were the people at the Civic Center in Peoria, IL. I actually saw someone with one of those big VHS camcorders walk up to the stage to record Bucky in Season 5. And they let her!
CHIKEZE: He sure has a lot of energy. And he loved interacting with the crowd. He really seems to enjoy performing and that makes him fun to watch.
RAMIELE MALUBAY: Rami has improved from the Chicago show I saw. The crowd gave her some love. She really seemed to have some fun dancing with MJ on the final group song. And I totally love the sparkly outfit.
MICHAEL JOHNS: Is that the testosterone of a sexy man I smell? Why yes it is & here enters Michael Johns. He’s singing something about “we” rocking me. You can rock me solo Michael, no need to bring your posse. Anyway, he sounded great and I liked his set a lot. The crowd went ape-crap for the first time of the night during “Dream On.” And they laughed when he mentioned that he ate fried cheese for the first time and loved it.
KRISTY LEE COOK: Kristy mentions that her fave football team is the Green Bay Packers and gets a huge ovation. But then she mentions she never got her horse back. Way to bring everyone down Kristy. Anyway, she did her thing & looked great doing it. Her CD comes out soon and best of luck to her.
CARLY SMITHSON: On the show, Carly made some questionable wardrobe choices. And this is coming from someone in a clown suit. And why do her fingers look like: (a) she just got fingerprinted by the cops for attempting to steal DC’s wallet (so that explains the wallet chain), (b) she finger painted ink blots for some bizarre psychological tests she gives to the other Idols, (c) she finger banged a chimney or (d) all of the above. But on to her performance. I’m still not sure if she knows what type of artist she wants to be. From Evanescence to Celine Dion? Versatile? Yes. Confusing? Even more so. My fave was “Crazy On You” and I think this is the type of stuff she should do. Leave the Celine Dion to Celine Dion and get a good band together and hit the clubs/theaters. She could have a radio hit if she gets the right song. Duh, that could be said about anybody but you know what I mean.
BROOKE WHITE: Brooke’s set reminds me a little bit of a kindergarten class. “Okay children, today we’re going to learn to count to 4 and then we’ll learn all about the color yellow.” She was my fave female singer this season and I did enjoy her set. Very low key and folksy. A nice, pretty little place I can visit before I return to the snark side.
GROUP NUMBER: I just dont get it. Theyre all somber, singing slowly & softly and showing poor kids living in poverty on the big screens. Then they all yell …wooooo! and start dancing around. My logical brain is very confused. Dancing cures malaria? Like I said, me no comprende.
JASON CASTRO: Jason got plenty of love at the show too. His set is so low key though, so there isnt the same reaction as say MJ or DC gets when they rock it out. My fave is still …Daydream.
SYESHA MERCADO: At the Chicago show, Syesha microphone didnt work during the first song so at least we got to hear it this time. She remarked that the audience was …so quiet. Just wait until you leave the stage Syesha! She did get the crowd on their feet after her last song & the crowd really seemed to appreciate her.
DAVID ARCHULETA: As I’ve said before, I’m not a fan of watching young kids perform. Maybe it’s because I was sold to the circus as a baby so I know what a tough life it can be. He’s a real cutie though & I want to shrink him down & hang him from my rear view mirror as an air freshener or whatever the hell Paula Abdul said. As for his performances, his stage presence has improved since the show as has his confidence. The crowd loved him and hopefully he’ll have the kind of career that he wants. My favorite song was “Stand By Me” because I love his dorky little dance during the “Beautiful Girls” part. He sounded like he had a cold but the crowd didn’t really seem to care. They went ape-crap for the second time of the night.
DAVID COOK: I noticed that the recaps that mention something negative about Cookie get the most comments. Since I want a lot of responses I will now say something negative about David Cook. Okay, I’m thinking…there’s got to be something…something that will evoke such emotion that the comments will pile up higher than the food on Ruben Studdard’s plate at an all you can eat buffet…okay, here it is: he wears more necklaces than a hooker on Mardi Gras. There, I said it. Sorry, but it just had to be said. As for his performance, the crowd went absolutely ape-crap. This was a pretty dead crowd but they finally stood up for a prolonged time. I think my fave tonight was …Hello. I have to admit that when he did the Aerosmith song “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing, ” I kept thinking that he should have done “Love In A Elevator” instead. And the whole time he’s singing, he should be going up & down on that lift in the stage. Yeah, this is really the crap I think about when watching this song. But next is “My Hero” and I’m no longer distracted by such thoughts. I love it when he straps on his axe and prowls the stage. His intensity electrifies the joint. Rock on Cookie, rock on. By the way, he won the applause-o-meter tonight for those who keep track & chart these things.
GROUP NUMBER: So they wore cheeseheads. Boy, I didnt see that one coming. I think only tourists buy those things because most Wisconsinites think theyre pretty damn dumb. But on MJ & DC, I have to admit they looked great. Something about wearing the cheesehead made MJ dance like crazy. He really did a lot of moves through the whole song. And then Mavid did the dance from the opening credits to …Laverne & Shirley. That show was a spin off from …Happy Days which was set in Milwaukee, although I thought …Laverne & Shirley took place in L.A. By the way, Milwaukee just had a lot of the …Happy Days cast in town for the unveiling of a bronze Fonzi statue. And no, Im not making that up.
So here’s James’ take on things. He doesn’t watch the show because he works when it’s on. But he is able to listen to it on his secret TV radio. It’s funny because he doesn’t know what they look like until I e-mail him a picture & he usually says “that’s what they look like?” I’m careful not to mention this blog though because I know that the first rule of MJsBigBlog is we don’t talk about MJsBigBlog. The second rule is, actually I forget what it is but I can’t ask anyone about it because we can’t talk about it. Oh well. Anyway, James really had a good time. I caught him tapping his toes quite vigorously during Kristy’s first song, laughing during Archie’s dork dance in “Stand By Me” and really smiling & laughing when MJ & Cookie came out with the cheese heads. James’ is quite the Packer fan & he loved spending some time in Titletown. Too bad it wasnt a weekend show so we could have spent some more time there.
There’s no better way to assess an event than through a bunch of meaningless numbers. Here’s how my Idol experience adds up.
Temperature at show time: 95
Miles from my house to the venue: 132
Dollars spent on tolls: none, because driving on the roads in Wisconsin is free (yeah, I’m looking at you Illinois).
Dollars spent per ticket: $68.50
Dollars spent per Idol: $6.85
Amount spent on parking: $10
Dollars spent on my Diet Rite: $3, does any other venue have Diet Rite & not Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi?
Dollars spent on James’ beer: surprisingly, he didn’t have one
Dollars spent at the souvenir stand: you’re kidding, right?
Number of free pop-tarts we got: zippo, those cheap bastards.
Number of CDs I’ll buy from this year’s Idols: I’m intrigued by Cookie’s producer so I have to say, it’s looking promising that I may actually buy one.
Number of women Clay Aiken has artificially inseminated since the concert began: let’s just say that there will be 7 more soldiers in the Aiken Army. They sing, they dance, they take over the world! Be afraid, be very afraid.
Time on the clock when I pulled into my driveway: 12:57 AM
Number of tree frogs I see by my front door when I arrive home: 3 and thanks for eating those mosquitos.
Memories made: the Sparkle-abacus doesn’t count that high
After the show we made our way back to the Sparklebus. I never would have imagined that I would be seeing two Idol concerts this season. If you had asked me 3 months ago, I would have said it’s like going to a scavenger hunt at Neverland Ranch & the first thing on the list is “find Michael Jackson’s nose.” In other words, it ain’t gonna happen. But it did. And for that, we must all be thankful.
So you’ve almost made it to the end of this re-crap. Most gave up reading because it was too snarky or just too dumb. Sparkles is, shall we say, an acquired taste. But if you are still reading, it’s your turn. Quid pro quo, for those of you who speak Spanish. Attention, good or bad, is what feeds the beast that is my ego so feel free to criticize me or praise me. Frankly, my virtual internet friends, I don’t give a dang what you say as long as your comments are about my favorite subject: me, of course. And if just one person registers to leave their first comment, I will know this was all worthwhile. The long drive, the long lines, the money, the time, sitting through that dude Corey who annoys everyone at intermission. Well, maybe not him.
Lastly, as some as you may know, I was sent here from my home planet of Sparkeldonia to study you earthlings and your pop culture obsessions. We Sparkledonians are fascinated with the minds of earthlings, unlike those perverted Martians who seem to have never met an anus that they didn’t want to probe, but that’s a whole other story. I’m afraid it’s almost time for me to return with my files to my government funded scientific lab on my home planet. So, I must bid farewell soon. Either that or I’ve run out of circus jokes and I need to create a new ID. I’ll be around a bit here and there, at least until the next Idol tour & then the baton will be passed on to my protege. So if there’s anything you want to say to Sparkles, I suggest you say it now. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life. And if on a dark & lonely night you look up at the sky and see a little star that seems to sparkle brighter than a disco ball or Ryan Seacrest’s teeth, you’ll know it’s Sparkledonia, the beloved planet of Sparkles, the alien clown.
PS This was my movie edition re-crap. There are several famous movie quotes lurking amongst the snark. Some are word for word & some have been “sparkleized.” How many did you find?
Check out my Sparkle-icious photos below.
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