Who moves on tonight? I say: Sarah Lenore, The Taubl Family, Jonathan Burkin, Joseph Hall and…Sickstep. Considering the competition, it’s not like it takes a master prognosticator to figure it out…
It just happens to be EVERYONE’s dream to make it to Vegas! But which of last night’s 10 acts will be sent home tonight?
After the recap, host, Jerry Springer, announces that Bruce Block is ill and won’t be attending the show. But who cares. He’s been eliminated. The Texas State Strutters and Jonathan Burkin take center stage. Of course, Jonathan Burkin advances to the next round. All hell would have broken loose otherwise. Sarah Lenore and Shequida take center stage. Sarah Lenore advances to the next round. Matthew Piazzi and Joseph Hall take center stage. Joseph Hall advances to the next round. The Taubl Family, Michael Strelos-Smith and Sickstep take center stage. America decided that…The Tauble famile advances to the next round. The judges choice (they choose between the 5th and 6th place finishers) is between Michael Strelos-Smith and Sickstep. Ha ha. Michael must be regretting mouthing off to the judges right about now. Piers chooses Sickstep. He tells Michael he’s not half as good as he thinks he is. Sharon also goes with Sickstep. Sickstep advances to the next round.
More re-cap and VIDEO after the JUMP…
And the acts moving on are: Sarah Lenore, The Taubl Family, Jonathan Burkin, Joseph Hall and Sickstep! And I win a cookie, ’cause I was correct!
The Dallas Desperados Dancers – Gah. Another Texas dance team. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. Why is this show filled with the equivalent of high school drill teams? It must be the T&A factor, not so much that they’re going to move on. Piers didn’t like them tonight, though he did in the past. Sharon says, “It’s not good enough…not going to get a headlining act in Vegas.” Oh, so that was Sharon who buzzed them. Hoff says they missed a little bit of their edge and precision tonight.
Bryan Cheatham – He’s an ex-Chippendale’s dancer turned singer. Ohhh. Mom and Dad did not approve of the Chippendale’s deal! He quit his job dancing and now he feels clean! Hallelujah. Unfortunately, it appears that singer in second spot = cannon fodder. And like the other second spotters before him….there goes the buzzer!…he’s pretty dreadful. Piers says he’s improved, but he’s only good enough to be a headline act on a cruise ship. Sharon says he’s got to cut the cheese, the winking…you’re not using your soul. “Cut the crap, and you’d be good, ” she adds. Hoff says he nailed it in the second half.
Flambeaux – It’s some sort of fire-eating act, but seriously, what the hell was that? First he burns his clothes off. After, he stalks around the stage eating fire. There are dancers and singers around him also doing weird things with fire. Really, pretty pointless and stupid. And I don’t believe for a minute that it’s dangerous, because I’m sure they are all covered with flame retardant. Piers says, “You’re wacked…your act is like walking intro a weird druid glen…it’s time to stop.” Sharon thought the timing was off and it was slow and boring. Nooooo. Hoff says, “The point is to bring people into Vegas, but I think you’d scare them away.
Kaitlyn Maher – Adorable 4 year old who should be at home playing with toys. She’s cuter than a basketful of puppies and kittens, as she sings “Wonderful World”. She remembers all the words too! But, seriously, what 4 year old is headlining an act in Vegas? And how will they break the news to her when she’s finally eliminated? Bah. I blame the parents. Soooo…how do the judges critique the cuteness? Piers says, “You look like a princess tonight…you have more charm, more star quality than all the acts I’ve seen.” That’s how you do it, you don’t talk about the performance at all! Sharon actually gives her some constructive criticism. “Maybe next time you can do some movement…move around your arms.” Hoff says, “You should run for president…you bring us all together”. Little Kaitlyn just keeps repeating “thank you…thank you…thank you…” over and over again, just like mommy told her to. She obviously has no comprehension of what the judges are telling her. Now it’s off with mommy for hours and hours of practice…to incorporate those arm movements!
Dorae Saunders – He’s a really really sh*tty Tina Turner impersonator. Dorea drops down to the stage on a big disco ball while Tina Turner’s “Disco Inferno” plays. Why would America want to see bad, out-of-shape drag queens lip syncing? I suspect they don’t. Piers tells Dorea he looks fabulous. Liar! Then, Piers adds that he can’t put him through because he doesn’t actually sing. Then why did you advance him? Dorea thinks he’s just like Audrey Hepburn and Angela Bassett–actresses who lip synced in movies. As if that’s the same thing. Sharon, inexplicably, loves him. Calls him a superstar! WTF? Hoff says “Only in America can a transexual play to 20 million people.” I hate to break it to you Hoff, but I think Dorea still has a dick.
Donald Braswell – He came back in a wild card after the fabulous Russian Bar Trio bowed out due to injury. His backstory is that he’s singing again after an accident that cut his vocal cords. He sings “The Impossible Dream”. Natch! He’s actually better than some of the singers they put through. But, that’s probably why he didn’t make it in the first place. He doesn’t make great cannon fodder. Still, nice vocal tone, but his phrasing leaves a lot to be desired. Donald thanks America for voting him back in. Piers says, “America was absolutely right to vote you back in.” Sharon says, “You sang beautifully tonight.” But then she hints that he might be a little old-fashioned and then tells him to lighten up. Hoff says, “You nailed it, man.”
Indiggo – These two aren’t for real. Are they? They can’t be. This is a put on. They sing an original song, “I don’t need no Georgie Clooney.” It’s the worst song ever. Piers says, “The sooner you are shipped backed to Romania, the better…you are the worst dancers and worst singers in the entire competition.” I’ll bet they aren’t even Romanian. Sharon says, “You’re darlings…where did you get that awful song?” and they explain the song was written by a German. “A bloody German!” says Sharon. “Watch it, ” says Hoff. And then, “I like watching you.” Creepy!
The Tapping Dads – They tap so they can practice with their daughters. Or something. Gah, these acts are so freaking lame. They dance to “Putting on the Ritz” in tuxedos and top hats. If Frankenstein had come out to dance with them? I’d vote for that. Ha ha…for you fans of Young Frankenstein… Anyway. Yeah. Lame. I can’t believe I’m sitting through this. Piers asks, “Would you like me to judge you as good dads or dancers?” After he gets the go-ahead he says, “If Fred Astaire could watch that, he’d turn in his grave.” Then, Sharon gets really really fake mad at Piers. Then she says, “What you lack in technique, you make up for in heart.” Doesn’t this contradict what she said at the top of the show about the bar being set higher at this point in the competition? Hoff screams, “I find you highly entertaining.” Of course he does!
Eli Mattson – The only singer in this bunch with true superstar talent, and he doesn’t have the freaking pimp spot? What the hell? This show sucks. I don’t recognize the song he’s singing but it’s fabulous. Eli’s performance is mesmerizing. He’s way too good for this sh*tty show. I’m actually pissed he’s even on it. Piers says, “I have one word for you…sensational.” Sharon says, “Just your voice, piano… that’s all you need. A star.” Hoff says, “Top 10 baby.” That’s all? Top 10? I say he should win. Eli and baton-boy, Jonathan Birken should be Top 2. The judges make a lot of noise about all the crazy acts…and here comes a contestant who actually has talent! Well, whoop-di-do. The crappy talent is the point of this show–you put them through. Methinks thou dost protest too much. ETA: The song is “Nobody Knows”. Written by Babyface, it was sung by him, Tony Rich and country artist Kevin Sharp.
Nuttin but Stringz – However, these guys, from the mean streets of Queens (really?) who play Hip Hop violins are a very unusual act. And actually, they are pretty compelling. They are talented violin players and they manage to incorporate Hip Hop elements into their playing very creatively. It’s pretty intense stuff. Piers says, “You guys are my favorite act in the competition.” Sharon likes their tone and loves the crossover. Hoff says, “You move us with your music.”
Jerry Springer rambles on and on to kill extra time…and were done. Next Tuesday, we find out who moves on to the Top 20: I say: Kaitlyn Maher, Donald Braswell, Eli Mattson, Nuttin’ But Stringz and–moms all over America are furiously voting as we speak–the Tapping Dads.