Our third results night! Everyone has apparently pledged their first-born to Kenichi Ebina after his Gumby-jumps-into-a-storybook-inspired performance last night, so I guess he’s nailed down one spot. The singing soldier spouses will surely earn another, so this show will just be about finding out who gets the remaining two, with a guest singer and some mindless banter thrown in to round out the remaining 53 minutes.
And here we go. Nick has on a red suit, lavender shirt, and shiny pale green tie. Who’s responsible for his wardrobe, Peter Max? He tells us how physically dangerous last night’s show was, what with the poisonous cobra, the safety-rope-free acrobats, and Mel going braless.
Howie enthuses that last night’s acts were the best in the history of the show. Hyperbole, they name is Mandel. America better have picked the right ones this week, he threatens, because last week the nation’s voters made a mistake. He doesn’t specify whether their error was jettisoning the wrong acts or merely tuning into the show in the first place.
But before we learn any results, we’ll find out how one of the Chicago Boyz got injured, since apparently there are some people who haven’t independently deduced that it was caused by jumping. They replay the devastating moment several times in slow-motion, like Zapruder shot the footage. Sadly, the main bone in the young man’s leg is broken. The good news is, they can use him as a pommel horse in the next round of performances.
Now Jason DeRulo appears with a slate of background leapers and spinners to perform a song requiring so much accompanying physical activity that he is sweating like Spartacus at the conclusion. Does no one stand still in dim lighting while singing a tender ballad anymore? I mean, besides Jonathan Allen.
Jason Derulo performs Live on AGT 2013 Results by HumanSlinky
Back in the Product Placement Parlor, everyone is celebrating and scarfing popcorn while they await the results. Nick gleefully tries on a Mitsi dancer’s long gold fingernails. Well, there’s a partial explanation for the colorful outfits.
The next block of filler is an interview with Heidi and Mel, in which they talk about anything that does not require sending production crews to shoot footage away from the set, while reinforcing the illusion that all the judges are great admirers of each other, frequently vacation together with their families, and have organized a book discussion group that meets in Heidi’s apartment every month.
Finally, some results. Stepping forward are Anti-Social Snake Fondler, Forgettable Balloon Acrobats, and Disappointing Illusionists. Of course, none of them go through. There is no way a venomous snake is going to get a room at the MGM Grand. To improve their acts, though, the snake handler could team up with the the acrobats and have the cobra bite their balloon.
The next trio up for consideration is Singing Wives, Donny & Marie Lite, and Dancing Dog & Human with Too Much Time on Her Hands. The suspense, it burns. The spouses hug one another and cry with joy. Who’s minding the American Military Progeny?
Six acts left. Gay Singer, Mrs. C’s Impressionist Son, and Japanese Dancer are next. America has voted to reject the first two. Howard says they got it right. How does he explain his own popularity, though?
Oops, one more of the other two performers still will go through, assures Nick. Meskimen does an impression of a person who knows he’s lost. Heidi leaps across the abyss from the judge’s platform to the stage to embrace Jonathan. Had she fallen and broken a leg, they could play that footage 14 times next week.
Now the Chinese Dancers, Fat Lady Singer, and Inner City Acrobats step up–one on crutches–to hear the judges decision on the final two. First, though, we hear which act is leaving, and that is . . .drag out that pause, Nick, they must be ahead on time. . .Fat Lady Singer. If she teamed up with the impressionist, he could teach her how to sound talented.
After a preview of next week’s acts–the fact that Tummy Talk made it this far tells you all you need to know about this show–we’re ready to hear from the judges about who gets the final slot this week. Mel has nice things to say about both acts, but the decision is oobvioos for her–the Boyz. Howard says both groups rely on precision, and both achieved that last night, so it’s about who he gets most excited about and who turns him on. Therefore, it’s got to be the half-dressed women. No, it’s the Boyz. The credits start rolling as Howie conjectures whether people might have felt bad for the Boyz because of the broken leg, and then chooses them himself as well.
So there are our next four. See you next week for more wacky hijinks!
