I’ll be live blogging The X Factor Episode 4 Auditions HERE!
I have learned the secret of enjoying X Factor. IT’S NOT ABOUT SINGING. AT ALL. It’s about finding performers with charisma and great personalities. Kids who are ripe to be molded, just like Simon did with One Direction and Cher Lloyd. Those two acts, currently topping the charts here in the states, were easily the worst singers the year they competed on X Factor UK. X Factor is outsized spectacle and drama. It’s an approach that will probably produce a pop star sooner rather than later. The Voice and their high-faulutin emphasis on GOOD SINGING. WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE OH NO! Will probably continue to crown charisma-free winners who can sing, more or less. Not stars, though.
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The show opens, Britney is in her hotel musing about how happy she is down South right now. Namely–Greensboro North Carolina. Demi is on tour now. Juggling her schedule is hard! The crew heads for their ride to the arena. And the town is empty because….they’re all waiting to see the X Factor auditions. RIGHT. Simon tries grits for the first time at a diner. “They’re buttery.” Simon’s southern-fried breakfast makes him late. LA Reid is annoyed.
Willie Jones – 17 – “Your Man” – His family accompanied him on a 17 hour drive to the auditions. He’s from Shreveport LA. Britney is from LA too! Demi loves his “sick style” it’s very “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” Alrighty. Holy shit. Dude looks like a hip hop star, but he sings COUNTRY! He’s like an African American Scotty McCreery! He’s even singing “Your Man.” LA is freaking out. I am a little too. He’s not fantastic, but he may get through just on the novelty. He gets a standing ovation. LA calls him “an absolute original.” Britney says, ‘I was very surprised.” “You’re really likeable,” says Demi. “This is why I wanted to come to Greensboro. Your voice is a sensational recording voice. This is a day to remember,” says Simon. 4 very enthusiastic yeses.
Kalvin McManigle – He’s really old. He also has no teeth. He can’t remember what he was going to sing. I have no idea what he’s singing. Something about “California”. Who let this guy in? “I’m scared I’m related to you,” says Britney. Ha ha.
Julia Bullock – 18 – “Pumped Up Kicks” – She has a band. They are with her today. Flashback! Julia is outside with her band talking out their fears for her success. She used to date one of the band members, who is feeling insecure. When asked about his ex, it’s obvious the boyfriend wishes they were still together. She’s got a solid pop rock rock voice. Coupled with her looks, she’s very marketable. The ex-boyfriend looks really unhappy offstage as the crowd cheers. “I think you are really really really good,” says Simon. He finds her really current. “You definitely have a unique sound. You’re a star,” says Britney. “You are exactly what I ‘ve been looking for,” says LA, “You have that rockstar thing.” “You have a really unique voice. Super talented.” says Demi. 4 enthusiastic yeses. Simon says, “Hello solo career, goodbye band.” Ex-boyfriend says, with his arms crossed, “Can you believe he said that?” Geez, can’t they play with her if she makes it in LA? So much trumped up drama.
Which Pepsi flavor will be the X flavor? Dragon, Freeze, Fire or…what the heck are these soda names? What does a Dragon taste like? Simon Cowell likes Freeze, in case you were wondering?
Krysten Colon – 21 – “Don’t You Remember” by Adele – She says she’s a shower singer. So this should be interesting. She’s so nervous, her leg is shaking. Simon doesn’t like the song choice. Simon thinks she needs a classic song. She suggests a gospel song. He says no. He sends her away to learn a new song. “You’re so lucky. You got a break,” says LA.
Jeffrey Gutt – 36 – “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen – He’s a single dad. It’s his last chance to be a rock star, he tells a guy he meets outside. His son is named Talon, is very cute, and has never heard him sing before. He does a cheesy rock version of “Hallelujah”. At least he is putting his own twist on it. It’s like the rock opera version. Overwrought and pitchy. But the audience really seems to like it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just really really really sick of this song. “I think you are unbelievable. You nailed it. I am a fan,” says LA. “I love how mysterious your voice was. Soothing,” says Britney. “Amazing grit. I never heard it sung like that. God is rocking out right now,” says Demi. Simon says, “It was one of the most brilliant auditions I’ve heard.” 4 big yeses. Demi calls him “The Josh Groban of Rock n Roll.” Simon says, “Better.” Hm.
In the middle of a hopeful butchering “Oooh Baby Baby” there is a lightning storm and the lights go out. The roof is leaking all over the judges.
Byron Edwards – He’s terrible And meanwhile it continues to rain. More terrible auditions as it storms outside! Here’s some fakery. I bet 5 million dollars most of those bad auditions didn’t happen during the thunderstorm. Creative editing!
Krysten Colon – SHE’S BACK! She sings Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing.” I don’t know…MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE PICKED A HARDER SONG. Geez. It’s way too big for her. Why did they even ask her back? To torture her? She’s completely off-pitch. SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT NOW. A big clap of thunder and lightning interrupt her performance. Thankfully. They all say no. I didn’t see the point of that at all. Oh. I see now. She walks off the stage pissed. She freaks out backstage. She begins throwing water and swearing. She picks up a chair. Uh oh. Security throws her out of the building. That sweet little girl turned into the devil!
