Us Weekly informs us this week that Nick and Kaitlyn are the contemporary Bogie and Bacall, declaring their chemistry “off the charts” because the two exchanged “hot and heavy text messages that bordered on explicit” for an entire month before Nick joined the show. That’s similar to how it happened with Orpheus and Eurydice, only they had to send each other notes on papyrus via winged messenger, so it took longer.
Meanwhile, E! despairs that this might not be such a great season for the show. Not only were they were pulling for Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette long before Chris Soules dumped her, but they’re also excited to see her getting close to Shawn, either because they view them as a companionable or because his profile says one of his favorite musical artists is “obviously, One Direction.” They even like all the honest having of sex everywhere with anyone.
What concerns them “has more to do with the fact that it almost feels too perfect, like the drama was written for a drama, as opposed to a reality show.” Call me, E!, I have a good deal on a bridge that might interest you. They do make the point that for all her blathering about the men needing to open up, Kaitlyn hasn’t uttered a peep about herself. Maybe she’s just boring, since I actually spent a few moments trying to recall any detail of her hometown visit with Chris, and couldn’t even remember what her hometown is.
First, The Confrontation. Kaitlyn is a person who asks questions and then answers them herself. Do I have humor? Yes. Am I here to meet a lot of men and make out with them? Yes. Then she calls Ian “super rude and offensive,” which is much worse than just regular rude and offensive, like the way they edit a Friars Roast for TV. But the fact that she’s shallow and one dimensional is simply what he’s observed, Ian informs her haughtily. How dare he question her intentions as the Bachelorette? she seethes. There’s a Bachelorette Manifesto that she follows to the letter.
This really has no chance of ending on an up note. He makes certain she knows she’s not the girl he’s looking for, as if it were still in question, then stalks off, leaving Kaitlyn to glare into space. “I’m very different from every person in this room,” Ian sneers as he gets into the limo. He’s glad to be out of there, where all the other guys reject his discourse on romance philology and the Christian Existentialist view on the human condition in favor of fart jokes. He was being punished for being intellectual, he tells us, but nevertheless, he has what it takes to be the next Bachelor, a role distinguished for being awarded to Rhodes Scholars and Nobel Prize winners. Every woman thinks he’s deep, Ian declares. I think he’s deep something.
The other guys are shocked. What brought on this script revision? Was Ian angry? Jealous? Is Kaitlyn okay? No, she’s insulted. She’s never had so many people question her, even the ones who came to take the census.
The men discuss the dramatic moment. They’re all worried about Kaitlyn, but only Nick rushes to her side to take full advantage of her vulnerable state. He tells her he had talked to Ian and advised him not to be accusatory. He doesn’t mention disagreeing with Ian’s assessment of Kaitlyn. Nick is an emotional vulture, swooping in to dine on the bits left over after a person is eviscerated by unhappiness.
The guys realize angrily that Nick is with Kaitlyn. They sock back liquor as they grumble about the situation. Meanwhile, Nick leans in closer and closer, his smarmy grin as off-putting as the clown’s from IT. Now Shawn has had enough, and he’s going to step in. He finds them making out. What else.
But for Kaitlyn, physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship, easily as important as veneers and a three-day growth of beard. She’s not ashamed of that. If a guy can’t get his tongue far enough down her throat, it’s a deal-breaker. She goes back to the guys and explains what a super jerk Ian turned out to be. Then Chris Harrison appears to herald the Rose Ceremony, and the guys are alone to hash out the Ian incident, and express their disapproval at his calling Kaitlyn shallow and slutty. They want Kaitlyn to understand that all of them also believe making out is necessary to define their relationships.
“Where’s your head?” Chris Harrison asks Kaitlyn. “Are you out of your mind?” might be more concise. There were “unexpected feelings and drama,” she updates him. “We’re in a special place tonight, here at the Alamo,” Chris tells her inexplicably. Maybe everyone feels like defending themselves against the onslaught of Nick is hopeless? For the umpteenth time, Kaitlyn says she’s over people questioning her. I would think she enjoyed going on Kimmel.
She faces the men. Roses go to Jared, Chris, and JJ, then Joe, strangely, and Ben Z. Now the last rose goes to Tanner. So it’s goodbye to Justin and Joshua, who is pretty upset, probably mostly about what she did to his hair.
Now they are off to Dublin. Joshua looks back wretchedly as he hears them all cheer. Poor guy deserves better, like a role on Survivor where we can see him shirtless.
Ireland! All that’s missing from the opening footage are leprechauns and a patch of four-leaf clover. It’s Joe’s first time out of the country, or for that matter further than the neighbor’s wheat field. The first one-on-one date is right now! Of course it’s with Nick. He is smug, but he rarely is anything else. Everyone else is outraged. Why don’t they all just leave?
Nick and Kaitlyn stroll the streets of Dublin as Kaitlyn considers how much everyone else hates Nick, then rejects it as meaningless because she desperately wants to boink him. Nick learns of Kaitlyn’s fear of birds, which he seems to find compelling. When he’s angry with her, he’ll put a parakeet in her bed.
They learn to Riverdance as disgusted tourists observe. Then they duck into an alley with the camera crew to make out. Again. Kaitlyn is pleased with how simple their relationship is, like a room with just a bed in it. He fidgets prissily as he tells her he worried about what the moment of their meeting would be like, but it was seamless, like her leggings. His rodent-like eyes dart nervously. “I want to figure it out with you,” he says, before locking his teeth onto her lower lip.
The other guys bemoan their grievous situation back at the free luxury European hotel, until the group date card arrives to ease their pain. Tanner, Ben Z. Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris are going. JJ and Joe will be all by themselves, and that’s not a pretty picture.
Meanwhile, Nick and Kaitlyn go to dinner in an historic cathedral. She thinks he is too good to be true. He’s pretty pleased with himself, too. But she worries that “others” judge him for having been on the show before. Indeed, we’ve all had this conversation on a date with someone special. They make out in between her giggling and tittering like a tipsy Disney princess. They just can’t keep their paws off each other, their passionate embrace silhouetted against the ages-old stained glass and crucifixes. There’s your War on Christianity, FOX News.
“Nick just makes me feel like a woman–a desired woman,” Kaitlyn squees. The ten other guys desperate to get their hands up her dress just make her feel like an erotic postcard. She invites him back to her hotel to “hang out,” most likely of his pants. “I don’t know. Whatever happens, happens,” she tells us giddily. Maybe they’ll figure out how to fold a fitted sheet.
As Jared and Shawn express their dismay yet again that the two are on a date, making us wonder why the scriptwriters can’t insert a little more exposition here and there, Nick and Kaitlyn go to her room, The camera crew hang over them as they make out some more on the sofa. “It’s really hot,” Kaitlyn trills. I know I find it very passionate to be with my man while a director calls for retakes and a lighting guy makes adjustments. Then they head for the bedroom and close the door as Shawn concludes she will have to figure out Nick’s true character. Hopefully, it’s more frightening than his penis size.
Murmurs and whispers come from the bedroom as I shudder and Shawn continues, “He’s been in this position before, he knows what to do.” It might have been riverse cowgirl last time, though. The camera fades to black over Kaitlyn’s suppressed moans. Really, ABC, is this appropriate during prime time? I mean, the commercial for DulcoLax, that’s just disgusting.
Morning dawns to shots of birds and bees and Nick doing the Walk of Shame down the hotel corridor. Kaitlyn says their date was “romantic and sweet,” and they deserved that time together. They have everything as a couple, except dignity, self-respect, and honesty. But she knows their “off-camera” time could be an issue. It’s causing her some guilt because of her feelings for the other guys. She worries that if Nick tells the other guys what happened, they might be upset. But did she ask him not to tell? Because Nick seems like the exact type of guy to brag in the locker room, or the luxury suite of the free luxury European hotel.
Nick describes their date to the other guys, who look stern and impassive. They really hate him. He admits Kaitlyn invited him back to her room, but no more than that. So far. Then he says, “It was intimate. Personal. Authentic.” The guys glare malevolently, possibly because Nick has just underscored what a tool he is and possibly because “authentic” is a euphemism for “we boffed like nymphomaniac bunnies.” At her window, Kaitlyn hangs her head in anguish. She should wear a scarlet “N.”
Time for the group date. Chris Harrison greets the men, and tells them Kaitlyn is dead for today. That’s probably true for the ratings. They will celebrate her life with a traditional Irish wake. Who makes up these crappy dates? Inside, Kaitlyn is lying in a coffin, laughing. Each guy has to give a toast to her. Chris sings his to “Danny Boy.” Ben H. says she was killed by pigeons eating her dress made of bread. Shawn says she died from spending the day with Nick. Go, Shawn. Ben throws everyone out of the room so he can be alone with the corpse. Kaitlyn worries that he’s upset about the whole thing because his mom died, and not because he has to say something deeply personal to a live woman lying in a coffin while a production crew watches. Then a guy with an Irish accent is subtitled as he offers to play some music for them.
The after-party involves Guinness and guys wanting to talk about their feelings, a great combo. Ben Z. tells her it was super hard for him to do the fake wake toast. He struggles with showing his feelings, but she helps him with that, possibly by being a dullard who prompts people to talk exclusively about themselves. Jared is being a sycophant, falling all over her and complimenting her laugh. They’re both happy they have always been honest with each other, except for her not having mentioned sleeping with Nick. Next is Shawn. He’s going to show her pictures of his family. Making out commences.
Time to present the rose. It goes to Jared. Shawn is crestfallen. He was hoping to make some memories, like Nick made some time. Jared and Kaitlyn then return to the cathedral where she and Nick made out, to be serenaded by The Cranberries. Jared is overcome with joy. The Cranberries are depressed as hell that this is what they’ve come to.
The other guys moon over their losses. “Maybe this is not so much saying ‘no’ to us as ‘yes’ to him,” Chris tries to spin it. Shawn walks off sadly. He tells some mysterious person that he loves Kaitlyn, but then she bangs two other dudes, and he can’t take it. Two, she banged? Who else? I can’t follow all the horsing around going on here.
“I’m about to cry right now,” he admits. “I can’t do this.” He goes to her room to confront her. More feelings and drama. Kaitlyn seems shocked; maybe the PA told her it would be 10 minutes later. She doesn’t want to cause anyone any pain, she sobs pitifully. Was sleeping with Nick a bonehead move for more than the obvious reason?
Next week, one of the guys cries wretchedly. Looks like Ben Z. First he loses his mom, and now his first love. I hope he doesn’t own any guns.