The exciting Bachelor news from this week concerns that saucy minx Bekah, whose mother reported her missing after the show started shooting late last year. She has since been removed from the official list, after alert citizens notified authorities of her location on their TV screens. She was returned unharmed, with a fresh spray tan and covered in Arie’s saliva.
Some people, however, see more sinister implications in this seemingly pedestrian case of an addled mom and her famewhore daughter. Kelly Ripa thinks Bekah’s radio silence during that period indicates that she won the show, and was hunkered down with her typing fingers otherwise occupied. We shall know soon enough if Kelly is correct, and if the much-discussed 14-year age difference conundrum was a producers’ ruse to stir up an issue that usually bothers people only when the guy is that much younger. In any event, Krystal will be enraged that Bekah got more press this week.
Tonight’s episode will feature the now-predictable two-on-one-date, which involves Arie-sharing women who have demonstrated a conflict even more antagonistic than that between the FBI and the GOP. One of the women is Krystal, while the other could be any mammal with functioning epithelial tissue. Also predictably, Arie will blab about Krystal taking trash about her rival, making that woman feel less confident about connecting, being vulnerable, and opening up to the clueless shmoe who couldn’t identify tact if the Wheel of Fortune board said “T-blank-C-T ” and all the other vowels had already been bought.
Off we go to Paris, the City of Love, which Arie describes as “very sexy and very cool,” echoing the timeless words of Baudelaire. The gals commence squealing at how awesome everything is as they ride a boat past the Eiffel Tower, which is only slightly phallic. Chris looks bored as Arie tells him how hard it is to date all these amazing girls. “The feelings are so strong,” Arie observes, apparently confusing raw lust with mature emotion. Krystal dismisses last week’s setback in their relationship, and is hopeful that this week will show progress in area not related to her Q-rating.
Four dates happen this week: two one-on-ones, a group date, and the two-on-one. The first card goes to Lauren, who has triumphantly shed her last initial. An independent thinker, she plans to open up to Arie on their date. They depart on un petit bateau. Krystal declares that she doesn’t want Lauren to get a rose, because that’s the name of the game. The French call it “c’est le nom du jeu quand vous êtes un crétin.”
Arie is super-attracted to Lauren even though he doesn’t know much about her, aside from speculating about her cup size. Meanwhile, the other girls surmise how Arie will compare all their personalities to make a final decision. Perhaps there’s an app for that. Anyway, what the hell are they talking about on these dates, the weather?
Hand in hand, the couple wanders the historic Parisian streets, but Arie worries that Lauren is so quiet. Is she really into him, he wonders. So they discuss how last week was “weird,” and how difficult it is sort among the human merchandise on this show. Speech balloons in romance comics provide more substantive conversation.
Pepe LePew-themed music plays as the rest of the women evaluate the significance of a one-on-one date. They are critical to being seen in two additional outfits during a single episode. The next date card arrives. “My heart is about to fall out of my ass,” declares one one woman, clearly inspired by the moonlight shining on the Seine. The group date members are announced, leaving Krystal and Kendall to get the two-on-one with Arie.
Lauren and Arie join each other for the evening. He describes her as sweet, and that the little he’s seen of her he likes, much as I describe that new bakery I passed on the bus. She reminds him she can’t open up easily, admitting that she put every guy she’s been with in the friend-zone for about six months. It’s similar to how the president would make the immigrant vetting process stricter.
One-upping her candor, Arie reveals that a former girlfriend of his got pregnant, at which point he chose to scale back on racing to support her. She lost the baby, however, and proceeded to dump him. “Theat’s tirrabull,” pronounces Lauren with compassion. It goes back to the trust thing, they agree confidently, like psychiatrists presenting a conference paper they co-authored.
Then Lauren reveals she was engaged at one point to one guy she liberated from the friend-zone, but he was just another recidivist. Despite all the gloom and doom about failed relationships and an intractable inability to reveal her deepest self, Arie gives Lauren the rose. Several studies have indicated that cleavage can impair judgment.
The group date follows, with a record amount of bralessness. The group heads for the Moulin Rouge, where they are invited onstage with the dancers. “It’s very sexy and cool,” Arie acknowledges. The girls will be costumed up in similar sexy form, and learn a routine to perform. Seinne grew up as a dancer, so she is very confident, while Bekah chooses to rely on tight pants. Tia has lost all hope because being from Arkansas, she has only danced in a barn.
They head off to don feathers, fake fur, and giant rhinestones galore. Whoever gets the rose appears in the show with Arie, so they give it their all on stage now. He is wearing white tie and a top hat while he observes the gals parading before him half-naked and lets out tiny cries of joy. The accompanying cape is not so much Moulin Rouge-inspired as ideal for hiding his reaction in the long shots.
Time for the after-party. Bekah is looking particularly Jerry Mahoney-ish tonight. Arie asks Tia to join him alone first. She feels good about them. “We have something really cool and special,” Arie agrees, recalling Laclos’ most passionate scenes. He gets right to the making out with Bekah. Seinne says “pivotal” as Arie gapes at her with pure lust. Then she talks to him in French without using the words for “vulnerable” or “connection.”
Who will get the rose? Arie is very pleased with all his encounters tonight, but presents it to Bekah M. She is thrilled to dance with him tonight. As she enters stage left in her flapper-influenced costume, the other girls glare menacingly from the cheap seats. Tia is jealous that Bekah gets this extra time with Arie, despite the fact that it’s all spent performing on stage in front of a live audience of French extras. “Moulin Rouge was really sexy and cool,” Arie reports, making France surrender yet again.
Krystal reads the two-on-one date card to the remaining gals at home. Included are herself and Kendall. Krystal feels she has this one sewn up, while Kendall is distressed at the mere idea of spending extra time with this dollar-store paper doll. The sun rises over the Arc de Triomphe as the two go to meet Arie in a stretch limo (une longue voiture). He greets them eagerly at a 17th-century chateau that probably has wifi and an electronic bidet. The weapons displayed on the wall are a subtle signal of the danger that lies ahead.
Arie is concerned that Kendall has never been in love, and therefore might not be ready for marriage. It’s much like French girls in the 17th century who got married without romantic experience, and also while wearing a lot more clothing. Instead of discussing it, though, they horse around in a hedge maze.
Next, the trio drinks champagne as Arie worries about how stressful things will be today. He takes Krystal off into the woods, hopefully to bury her corpse in a shallow grave. They review how last week went so badly for them, even though the ratings flourished. Arie reminds Krystal that she should have come to him when she had an issue. To be fair, though, then she would be constantly pestering him, not to mention the crafts services crew and housekeeping at the hotel. She fondles his shoulder and nods like a drinky bird as she praises the “color and texture and depth” of their relationship. She must also hang paint-by-numbers pictures in her home.
On to the trashing of Kendall. Thank God Krystal wasn’t chosen to be Alexa’s voice, or people would be committing suicide in droves. Krystal walks away from the encounter pleased that she attacked a person behind their back to serve herself. When in France, do as Pétain does.
Arie sits with Kendall next, and immediately launches into a description of Krystal’s bitching about her inability to feel love. Kendall points out that falling in love does not require experience, like driving a stick or entering a new contact in Salesforce. She leaves him to confront Krystal, who deflects to ask pointedly why Kendall is there. I would’ve done it just for the free trip to Paris. Kendall ripostes cleverly, telling Krystal compassionately that she understands her neuroses, which are born of all the pain she’s experienced in her life. This wasn’t so much the vicious cat-fight we hoped for as an abbreviated episode of Dr. Phil.
Arie returns to say he needs more time to decide who gets the rose. Krystal is surprised because to her mind, it’s a no-brainer. To be fair, though, Arie is not even equipped to have been Dr. Phil’s frat brother. Before Arie arrives for dinner, Krystal tells Kendall that they really don’t know each other, because they have a lot in common besides having visited a Clear Choice Dental Implant Center.
Kendall disagrees. Anyway, she would rather concentrate on her relationship with Arie, which is even more gossamer-thin. He finally appears, and toasts to spending time with two barely discernible blonds. Krystal says she’s glad they were able to connect. Does no one own a thesaurus? Arie then asks Kendall to speak privately.
The gals back home insist Arie will choose Krystal because their connection is stronger. How do they measure this stuff? Bar graphs? Basal temperatures? Twitter polling?
We don’t get to witness Arie and Kendall’s convo, so now it’s time to give the rose to. . .Kendall. Arie sees a lot of promise with her, and probably hopes to never hear his relationship described like it’s a garment on Project Runway.
Krystal is crestfallen, even floored, at this development. She is a broken shell of her former, equally self-absorbed self. “I’ve just given love, and feel abandoned.” she proclaims. Tell it to those dogs on the ASPCA commercials, hon.
As Kendall and Arie embrace in front of the neon-lit Eiffel Tower, Krystal gazes out the window upon the French skyline and mourns her loss, her mic pac ruining the line of her dress. She probably recovered in time to join Bachelor Winter Games.
Next day is Jacqueline’s one-on-one. Arie shows up in a red sports car to pick her up. She says the date is like getting a pony for Christmas and learning to ride it, which seems like a good analogy with this guy champing at the bit. He’s also probably counts to four by stamping a foot. Meanwhile, the car breaks down—merde to those lousy French mechanics!—and they forge ahead without wheels to shop at une boutique.
Arie likes that Jacqueline is funny and goofy, yet also intelligent, like an overlooked Marx Brother. They then go to faux-dine at Maxim’s. She gestures frenetically to indicate her nerves, which are soothed by a kiss from Arie. “Give me your doubts, I like that,” Arie recommends. It must be very sexy and very cool. He admits he was intimidated by her huge intellect, which rivals anyone who finished first on an episode of Jeopardy!
Jacqueline plans to get her PhD, something which Arie admires even if he has trouble spelling it. He doesn’t want to hold her back, though, and this may be cause for concern when a man’s only life goal is to keep up with the latest lapel trends. He never wants her to give up her dreams to pursue a relationship with him.
Nevertheless, he gives her the rose. He can really see a future with her, he explains, even if their lives don’t fit right now. Maybe she can get a graduate degree in auto repair.
Noir falls over Paris. Les belles head for la soiree for Le Ceremony du Fleur Rouge. Arie sighs deeply before he tells the group that the week was really, really good (tres bien!). In fact, it was amazing. He is happy he is finding love here in the city of it.
The first rose goes to Tia, who has une hibou tattooed on the back of her bras gauche. The next one goes to Seinne, mais oui. The final rose is presented to Becca Que. Au revoir to Chelsea and Jenna.
“Chelsea and Jenna are incredible,” Arie informs the remaining gals after the tearful departures. They are all now off to Tuscany, quite a departure for Tia from Wiener, Arkansas, although I bet the hooch is as good. In the final moments, the rose-havers review their fears and resentments, foreshadowing a lot of crying in vineyards next week. There’s also a visit from a scorned ex at some point, and an interview with an irate dad. Ce que c’est drôle!
