Eleven women have survived so far in the multi-car pile-up on the occasionally scenic boulevard that is this season of The Bachelor. Tonight is the night that the other ladies reveal to utterly clueless Ben that Olivia is a self-absorbed, narcissistic grasping shrew whose primary interest is making the rounds of talk shows before she inevitably fades into oblivion. In other words, she’s Carly Fiorina with a little less Botox.
In other seminal events during the two hours that are less entertaining on screen than your colonoscopy, everyone is spirited away to Mexico City. There the ladies do some cooking, one takes her leave during the group date, and two one-on-one dates bore us to tears for being exactly like every other one-on-one date, although more interesting than when Chris is talking. Ben also shares saliva with various gals who have less exciting things to reveal than a box of Russell Stover assorted chocolates.
Who’s left? I know you’re not sure, and also that you care less than if you weren’t sure what Ben’s favorite brand of cereal is (I’m going to guess Malt-O-Meal Frosted Mini Spooners), so I’ll tell you.
- Amanda, the divorced single mother of two daughters who are now in therapy because she left them for weeks to be pawed at by a stranger on television
- Separated-by-Ben-but-not-Carson twin Emily, who still lives with her mother and her stuffed animals
- Caila, who majored in German because bilingual bachelorettes are in high demand
- JoJo, whose ex-boyfriend is dog-sitting while she’s away, and likely also reading her diary
- Olivia, originally from Texas and effectively helping the state retain its reputation
- Becca the Virgin, who clings to that status like she’s an Amish teen who passed up Rumspringa
- Lauren B., most distinguished for being “actually friends with former Bachelorette winner Josh Murray’s ex-girlfriend Anna Von Staehl“
- Jennifer, whose online clothing store is predictably called Hot Pink Hanger
- Lauren H., an elementary school teacher who appreciates that the scripts are written at the grade level she’s most experienced with
- Jubilee, whose name isn’t the only thing about her that makes you roll your eyes
- Leah, who’s Jewish, and it’s a shonda that she wants to marry a shaigetz
While we wait for the proceedings to begin, let’s admire how Vanna White still hasn’t committed workplace violence after performing the same mindless job for 30+ years.
Uh, oh! It’s an ABC News Special Report on the Iowa caucuses, something even more agonizing to witness than The Bachelor. In fact, the only people more inane than Ben are political analysts you never heard of.
That shrieking hysteria concluded, we arrive mitten-drinnen in the preview clips. Ben will confront Jubilee, who cries. Olivia doesn’t care what the other women think of her. Tacky, too-tight cocktail dresses are worn.
Stereotypical Mexican music plays over aerial footage of Mexico City. “There’s a lot of culture here,” explains Ben helpfully. Maybe he can take over Sister Wendy’s show. The gals are excited to experience the challenge of not drinking the water. They proclaim their suite stunning, then jump on the bed and marvel at the bidet. This visit from the cast must have compelled countless Mexicans to cross our borders illegally.
Olivia thinks Ben doesn’t validate other people the way he does her, so she’s convinced she’ll get the one-on-one date. But no, it’s Amanda, who wants to find out if it’s worth it for her to be there, aside from all the money and the free stuff. Olivia thinks the date is a mistake, as Ben doesn’t want children, or at least not Amanda’s.
At 4 AM, Ben plans to wake up the girls to see them “in their element.” Probably more to see them in their babydoll nighties. Everyone squeals with horror at exposing Ben to their bedheads and morning breath. Ben thinks they look great, but admittedly, it was dark in there.
Amanda now has 15 minutes to get ready, which requires a pit stop crew from NASCAR to achieve. Off they go so Ben can “get to know her,” because the reverse is apparently not a concern. This will be achieved via hot-air balloon trip in a tiny basket shared by the balloon guy and some camera people. They risk Amanda’s voice carrying the balloon to Ecuador as they float over impressive ruins, which may be an omen for their relationship.
Back on earth, the pair relax in a Mexican meadow to babble about opening up, exploring life together, and some other phrases generally found inside fortune cookies. Amanda reveals that her marriage was not good, although her divorce kind of relayed that in advance. Ben has had a much less complicated life than her, she worries. But hers is not as complicated as Jubilee’s, so there’s that.
The group date card arrives at the suite. Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah and . . . long pause. . .Olivia are going. By applying principles of quantum physics, we can determine that Lauren H. gets the remaining one-on-one. “He’s mine,” Olivia seethes, sounding like Snidely Whiplash with PMS.
Amanda feels this is her most romantic date ever. She must reveal her past, however, for she doesn’t want to scare Ben away with sudden revelations that she hasn’t been living in a convent for the past decade. Anyway, if he saw her first thing in the morning and still kept their date, it’s a good start.
“I was married to, you know, the father of my two kids,” Amanda begins. The ex-husband wasn’t always the nicest person to her, but apparently nice enough for her to get pregnant a second time. Is Ben bothered by her having been married before? Well, he didn’t mind being introduced to her via a Craigslist casting call.
“You’re incredible,” Ben tells her. He marvels that she’s given up her valuable time to meet with him, apparently unaware that she’s contractually obligated to do so. And it breaks his heart that her daughters didn’t have a good dad. I feel the same way about Ivanka Trump. He hands over the rose, and they embrace by a pool that is likely lined with Mexican tile.
More Mexican muzak plays as the group date begins. As the gals arrive, it’s hard to tell who’s wearing the most fashionably raggedy jean shorts. Jubilee reports that she hates competing with nine other girls for Ben’s love. It’s like trying to come home with the flat-screen you want on Black Friday at Wal-Mart.
First they enter a classroom to learn some Spanish. The teacher advises them to warm up their mouths, since Ben dislikes chilly tongues. “I want to kiss you,” Emily learns to say in Spanish. This could pay off if Ben rejects her, since she’ll be prepared to date locally before the flight home. Ben tells Jubilee, “Te amo,” but she blows him off, claiming he said that to four other girls and also the masseuse he visited earlier. Olivia senses something special happening when he practices the exact same phrases with her. If her condition isn’t in the DSM, the editors are falling down on the job.
The cooking competition is next. They are divided into two teams of five, which means one girl gets to partner with Ben. Surely the Clash of the Titans couldn’t have been predicted in this situation. Olivia is feelin’ good again.
The ladies and Ben first shop for their ingredients, struggling with foreign words like “cilantro.” In between, everyone complains again about the other girls vying for Ben’s attention. This is why only Mormons can handle group dates.
Back at the suite, Lauren H. and Amanda drink wine and squee over their solo dates with Ben. There’s a lot of discussion of how different people smell, probably because things like intellect and depth of character have already been rejected as possible traits among the contestants.
The group-date girls brandish saucepans and spatulas as they prepare their recipes. It’s the most association with food they’ve had in weeks. Time to be judged by the professional chefs now! Tostados, ceviche, tacos, and salsa are all tasted and critiqued, in much the same way that Ben will assess the women at the cocktail party later. The outcome is important because the restaurant owners have explained that if you can cook, you’re ready to get married. Many thanks from 1954.
That evening, there are grumbles about Olivia hogging Ben all day. But there she goes again, as Ronald Reagan would say if he were alive to see this drek. Olivia grabs Ben at the outset of the party to “reconnect.” She declares, “Ben gives me sweet, he gives me passionate, he gives me honesty.” Then they make out, and he gives her tongue.
Jubilee is suffering pangs of jealousy, and perhaps fear of a communicable disease, as Ben walks off to be alone with yet another girl. Lauren B. cherishes the chance to spend even 1o minutes with this pathetic bozo, if it’ll mean extra camera time. Their first date was amazing, the two agree, before kissing passionately as Mexican traffic rumbles by on the Mexican street.
“I’m not used to being overshadowed,” Jubilee says resentfully. Finally, Ben invites her to go off for a talk with him. She complains about the frustration that goes with group dates, which don’t even include a Groupon discount. “Nothing has, like, helped those feelings?” he asks. What could, besides synchronized periods among all the other women?
Ben is somewhat irate at Jubilee’s intense jealousy. After all, he had to put up with a dozen other guys last season, and he managed to become Season 20’s Bachelor as a result. He doesn’t know if he can fix Jubilee’s problems, especially since deep Jungian therapy hasn’t been effective. She may have to go on Dr. Phil next.
The other women grow restless as Ben spends upwards of seven full minutes with Jubilee. She is explaining that she doesn’t want him to think she’s pulling back when she’s not. I want to know how he could tell. He wants to know if she thinks there can still be something between them. She wants to know if he thinks there could be. It’s like a vaudeville act. Alas, Ben admits it would be unfair of him to tell her there could be something. So why ask her first, you troglodyte.
Sad music plays as Ben tells Jubilee that the producers feel it’s best for ratings to say goodbye right now. At least Jubilee can add this humiliating rejection to her list of crappy life events. There’s enough by now for at least three-quarters of an e-book. The two hug farewell as Jubilee sobs, then strides away in a dress so tight you can read the date on a nickel in her back pocket.
Tearfully, Ben returns to the group to report that the former soldier has been dishonorably discharged. The news makes Caila (or JoJo? Leah?) aware of how seriously Ben takes this contrived, cynical process of finding love.
Ben lifts the rose thoughtfully. It goes to Olivia, the person he “reconnected with” after a full week of not having made out with her. The other girls are silent. The shock is more overwhelming than when they heard Circuit City was going out of business.
Next day is Lauren H.’s date with Ben. Off they go under the cloud of Jubilee’s exit, which they quickly forget about. Ben explains that fashion is big in Mexico City, so they go try on some clothes and hats. There they meet one of the designers. His work is inspired by Mexican nature, which is largely lizards, palm trees, and chili peppers. He invites Ben and Lauren to a fashion show, thrilling Lauren all out of proportion considering nobody ever heard of this guy.
Meanwhile, once again, Olivia is not threatened by Lauren having alone-time with her property. She’s not going to be ignored, Ben! However, her negative energy in the house upsets Emily. Also that she always leaves the top off the toothpaste.
Lauren is about to walk the runway at the fashion show, which is completely out of her comfort zone, although it’s likely that trying almond milk would be out of her comfort zone. Ben gives her a pep talk. She’s so nervous you’d think Zac Posen were going to feel her up afterwards as he critiqued the outfit. Yet it was the best day of her entire life! No more need to try writing a Newbery Award-winning children’s book.
The other girls acknowledge nervously that at this point in the process, Ben won’t keep anyone around he doesn’t think he would want to marry. Never mind that this was the case on every other episode.
That night, Ben declares to Lauren that their date was incredible. She’s happy that he was able to be real and have tough conversations, although clearly not with her. She’s pleased that he gets that she’s being sincere and adhering to the script edits. “I know who I am, and who I am, I’m proud of,” Lauren shares. That seems evident from her biography on the ABC site, which reports that two of her all-time favorite movies are Elf and Hangover.
Then she reveals she’s yet another bachelorette who was in love and found out the guy was cheating on her. She didn’t date for a long time after that, maybe even three weeks, but one day she woke up the morning after she finished How to Win at Shopping, and chose not to be a victim anymore. Ben appreciates that he saw a new side of Lauren today, very open and vulnerable and content with dating someone who is already being unfaithful. The other sides he’s seen are vacuous and inarticulate. She gets the rose.
Now cometh the Rose Ceremony. The gals love the fancy Mexican venue, which makes their Forever 21 dresses look even cheaper. But they’re still confused about why Ben doesn’t see Olivia for what she really is, which is admittedly difficult with the implants and false eyelashes. Meanwhile, he claims he would feel terrible if he ended up with someone who hadn’t been honest about herself. So we can conclude he’s either obtuse or easily distracted by sparkly mini-dresses.
JoJo (or Caila? Leah?) worries that she’ll be blindsided tonight, but Ben reassures her and they high-five before making out. “I know these women are real and authentic,” Ben asserts, confident the producers Googled each one thoroughly before casting them. Then he adds portentously, “There’s nothing to worry about.”
Over on the sofa, Olivia suggests that Amanda’s life as a single mom with two children is like an episode of Teen Mom. That’s outrageous–if anything, it’s like an episode of One Day at a Time. Emily is even more offended than Amanda. Her life is only like an episode of Sister, Sister. Olivia tries to back-pedal, tearfully asserting that she’ll try harder not to make outlandishly insulting remarks.
Emily resolves to make Ben aware of Olivia’s terribleness, which is more persistent than a case of psoriasis, and only slightly less treatable. She sobs as she describes to him what a mean-spirited character the writers assigned Olivia to play, and therefore how painful to see her get the group date rose. “Your opinion matters to me,” Ben says earnestly, just like that customer survey I got from Amazon after ordering a five-pack of socks. He has to figure out what’s going on. He must use Donald Trump’s strategist.
He asks some of the other girls how things are going in the house. Despite his hopes, “drunken naked pillow fights” is not the answer. It makes Ben question whether he’s seeing the whole picture with Olivia, both above and below the waist. Meanwhile, Emily kvetches to Haley about the whole sordid business. “This really makes you dig down deep and figure out who you are,” she sobs. Apparently, Emily wasn’t very introspective before coming on the show.
Ben sits down with Olivia to speak privately, before Chris is due to stride in pre-ceremony and utter his second sentence of the episode. The other girls wonder if this encounter will result in the first incident of a bachelor retracting a rose he has already awarded someone. Or will Olivia convince him that the other girls are mistaken, or that she’ll be the best performer in the Fantasy Suite?
But of course, the episode concludes with a “to be continued” cliffhanger. Ben’s talk with Olivia and the evening’s Rose Ceremony are postponed for viewers til next week. I haven’t felt this let down by a TV series since The McLean Stevenson Show premiered.
