Going into the second week, not only are there already spoilers for the top four finalists, but certain parties—*cough* Reality Steve *cough*—claim to know the winner of Season 23. I wish these people could be as effective finding out who’ll land the 2020 Democratic nomination.
If you want to know which women are so cursed, read it and weep here. If you’d rather experience ice cubes being rammed down your cleavage while you’re collecting meteorological data in the Arctic, keep watching the show.
It’s probably not giving anything away to tell you one item of interest, although mostly to the sponsors. Apparently, the season got so truncated as Colton madly cut wheat from chaff that there will be no final-three Rose Ceremony, nor even a final Rose Ceremony. It sounds like bachelorettes were falling faster than U.S. Representative Steve King’s approval ratings. The two remaining chippies will simply battle it out for Colton’s clammy hand.
Next: With the government shutdown, there’s no point in filing my taxes early, so I conducted some Bachelor research:
- The Bachelorette produces more engagements than its sire. As of Season 13, every gal had chosen someone to get proposed to, likely because that Neil Lane ring is too fab to pass up. In fact, the very first Bachelorette, Trista Rehn, is still married to Ryan Sutter. That’s a better record than two Trumps can claim.
- All potential contestants must undergo a comprehensive exam by a psychiatric professional. As part of the rigorous evaluation, they are asked to name all the Spice Girls; complete a Junior Jumble; and draw Binky from a matchbook cover.
- According to former Bachelor Sean Lowe, contestants have to re-tape their interviews if they use any word other than “journey” to describe their experience on the show. Alternate terms, like “process” or “ungodly voyage to Gehenna,” don’t communicate the romantic spirit the producers want.
- Cast members are given as little as two weeks’ notice that they’ll be appearing on the show. That’s not a lot of time to quit their jobs, arrange finances, and seek forgiveness from whatever divine being they worship.
- While living at the mansion, contestants must do their own cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Oh, the humanity! I bet Pat Sajak doesn’t even have to apply his own Just for Men.
Naturally, tonight there will be more investigation into Colton’s virgin status. We’d have interstellar pacts with aliens if NASA put as much effort into discovering the truth. The show kicks off with a group date that Colton thinks will be fun, but nevertheless makes him nervous since everyone knows he’s a virgin. Chris visits the mansion for a scant minute and a half to chat with the gals and drop off the date card, thereby earning a mortgage payment for three of his houses.
Who’s going on the date? Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, and some others, I can’t keep them straight. How do kindergarten teachers do it? They all arrive at a theater, where Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman are hosting the challenge and admitting they really needed the money. Everyone will tell stories about their first time doing something. Colton will probably talk about the first time he refused to have sex with a woman.
There are 200 people in the audience to hear the cast members’ tales. Colton is first, and indeed covers the story, now included in literary anthologies, of not telling anyone about his virginity. For years, he lied, he prevaricated, he hemmed and hawed, until one day he confessed to some random dude who thought it was just great. That random dude must have been a Catholic priest.
All the girls’ stories are trite and predictable. No one had a first time smuggling meth into the country in their vaginas. Demi takes the stage last, reporting that she plans to blow the crowd’s mind. Her tale is of a moment when she wanted to kiss a guy at some party, and decided to go for it. Then she throws aside her notes, probably expressed in rebus form, rushes to the first row, and seizes Colton in a liplock. This exciting scene is followed by a montage of very tongue-forward kisses by Colton with a range of b’ettes by the pool, in the ocean, at the Arby’s drive-thru. The show should sell branded lip balm called Bachelor’s Bees.
Back at the mansion, the one-on-one date card comes in. The first to have one is Hannah B. Can’t they switch up the handwriting font each season? Or do they have a contract with Alex Michel to write them?
The group daters now go to their cocktail party. Colton thought today was incredible, largely because he’s never been to the theater before. Then Demi, clad in the same ruffled lavender peasant outfit I wore to an eighth-grade dance, swoops in for the kill. She invites Colton to talk before anyone else has swallowed her first sip of Chardonnay. They are all disgruntled, accusing Demi and her eyelet bodice of immaturity, aggressiveness, and the lack of need for a bra.
Elyse describes for Colton how mature she is for someone who has not yet started a 401-k. Colton licks her tonsils in approval.
Next, Tracy draws Demi aside for the first Vacuous Dramatic Confrontation of the season. After she expresses her concerns, Demi notes that she resents Tracy’s “frowny-face,” and proceeds to dismiss the substance of her charges, which are basically that Tracy wants dibs on Colton herself.
The gal who got the First Impression Rose talks with Colton next, describing how weird this whole situation is. People were writing PhD theses on that topic after Season 4. He reassures her tat all will be well, despite his own unrewarding experience as a contestant.
Demi is now being styled as a petty egotist who has already determined she is Colton’s single best choice for a wife. This is not a winning strategy. It would be like walking down the milk aisle at the store, and having a box of almond hemp milk fling itself violently at you.
The rose goes to Elyse. Sincerity and a ribbed halter top always pay off.
At the mansion, Hannah, one of the two former pageant contestants, prepares for her date, which is on her birthday. The pair drive off together to Vasquez Rocks, where horses await. It’s her first time riding. I hope she’s not a virgin. They dismount at a hot tub as Hannah describes her extreme lack of self-esteem. It might have something to do with her inability to express herself coherently.
Sadly for her, Colton is disappointed at how reserved and diffident Miss North Carolina is. He doesn’t want to have sex with a girl from Petticoat Junction. He’s holding out for Jeannie in the hot pink harem outfit.
Later, Colton is even more concerned. If Hannah can’t open up to him, she will not receive a rose. What personal revelations do these people expect to hear from someone they just met? An adulterous affair? Embezzling from their employer? Not getting into the sorority of their choice?
Colton toasts to taking chances and opening up. She side-eyes him. He tells her not to try to be perfect, an unattainable goal anyway for someone who’s agreed to appear on this show. Instead of revealing herself, she asks him, “Why are you a virgin?” He plies her with the claptrap about being “too busy with his career,” something that didn’t prevent even James Bond from boinking every woman he encountered in between offing spies. Then she then confesses, I think, that she is not a virgin, but wishes she were. . .or something. In any event, she’s a dolt.
Back at the mansion, Heather bemoans being one better than a virgin: She’s never even been kissed. Next season, they’ll have someone who’s never felt sunlight on her face. Another dating card arrives for a second group date. Hurrah.
After their My Dinner with Andre’s Toaster level of conversation, Colton has drawn the conclusion that Hannah B. deserves the rose. Fireworks burst above the water as they kiss, and gaze happily at another week’s paycheck.
The next day is Camp Bachelor. Everyone is wearing skin-tight leggings and crop-tops, which weren’t even on the market when I went to Camp Young Judea. Billy Eichner is the guest sell-out for this event. There will be two teams, the losers going home and the winners sleeping under the stars with Colton and the chipmunks. This is preferable? I’d rather sleep in a bed, and have scrambled eggs on good china in the morning.
Now Billy questions Colton about his virginity. When the man insists he wants to be married first, Billy reminds him that his wife could be a fail in the sack. Colton points out that we now live in an age where you can buy a self-help sex manual at the CVS, instead of having to learn by trial and error like my grandma. Then Billy suggests Colton might be gay. Nervous laughter ensues throughout Bachelor Nation.
Now that what passes for comedy on this show is out of the way, it’s Red Team vs. Yellow Team. First there’s a relay race, then a canoe race, after which the teams are tied. Survivor, this ain’t. The final competition is a tug of war. The rope represents Colton’s penis. Red wins! Yellow trudges away in despair. Billy Eichner just wants to go grab a beer and listen to the Hamilton soundtrack again.
That night, under the stars and possibly smoke from the wildfires, Katie and Colton discuss being competitive, which forces you to meet expectations. They agree they are similar in this respect. He really doesn’t waste time with the tongue.
Next, Heather fears Colton will disapprove of her for being an Unkissed American. She giggles out her confession to this failing. Colton tells her not to feel ashamed. Ashamed? She didn’t knock over a liquor store.
There is moment of tension, but he doesn’t kiss her. She seems to believe that placing one’s lips on another person’s is a life-changing episode equivalent to massaging someone’s heart during emergency chest surgery.
Aw, I missed who got the rose. Like it matters when Yemen is under siege, and Ted Cruz is walking around in public with a beard that looks like a chinchilla has attacked his face.
Everyone now prepares for the second Rose Ceremony, donning too much make-up and dresses from Macy’s clearance rack. Demi asserts that the “older” girls are in peril, apparently because being over 25 qualifies you for senior discounts.
Colton walks off with Courtney first. She’s 23, still in the bloom of youth according to Demi, but her youngest sibling is only 2. I bet her mom spends a lot of time at the Paint & Sip studio.
Colton responds to everyone in the exact the same way, smiling and reassuring them blandly that they’re beautiful and fun, but Sydney is tired of waiting her turn. She wants Colton to realize that they will complement each other, like peanut butter and jelly or Simon & Garfunkel pre-1980.
Now begins a battle between Tayshia, who appears with an airhorn, and a resentful Sydney as they vie for Colton’s time and attention. Tracy is the next to slither in and steal him from someone else.
As they’re talking, though, Demi appears in a short robe to seize control. The guys never refuse to be dragged off in this rude manner. Demi leads him upstairs to show him her “fantasy closet,” then gives him a massage on the bed. Good thing he’s lying on his front or we’d see the evidence of his eagerness to deflower himself.
The women downstairs are frantic. They complain about how brash and grabby Demi’s being. She is acrimonious at this response. To address the issue, she finds Tracy crying in a darkened room and tries to flatter her. Then she talks trash about the woman, whom she perceives as ready to retire from a long career as a lunch lady. Does this chick think she can be cryogenically frozen at 23 and still date Colton?
Finally, after what seems a longer time than the federal shutdown, the Rose Ceremony is here. Colton tells the gals how he likes moving the relationships forward, mostly with his tongue. The first rose goes to Tayshia. Cassie follows, then Caelyn and Courtney. After them, it’s Demi, Nicole, and Kirpa. Next is Hannah Other Letter, Catherine, and Bri. Following are Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, and Caitlyn. Tracy is in despair. Who the hell is that in the red dress who gets the next rose? The last one goes to Tracy, mais oui. Her fears are laid to rest for another week, during which Demi will view her as aging 10 years.
Angelique is disappointed to be cut, while Annie feels she didn’t get to know Colton well enough in the 120 seconds allotted her. Her dress is really poorly made.
Next week, beefcake combines with beaches, working out, and bitter recriminations. Same circus, different clowns.