The Lord is indeed benevolent, for tonight the earth is not hurtling relentlessly toward the sun, no foreign enemy has launched nuclear weapons at our nation, and Survivor is back to being only an hour.
What’s more, the Omnipresent Creator, who gave us the platypus, the planets, and the buttock fat Jeff gets redeposited into his face, will also be providing viewers with a blindside unlike any seen this season. That God, what a hoot! It would help, though, if I could recall any previous, less unexpected blindsides.
Adding to the excitement, someone will sustain a “sudden ankle injury”–as opposed to the less dramatic leisurely ankle injury–that could spell his or her evacuation from San Juan del Sur with just days to go before the game is over. I’m going to have to pop some Xanax so the anxiety isn’t too overwhelming.
Everyone is flummoxed by the results of the Tribal Council that sent Alec back to his surfboards and bong. Natalie pretends she accidentally wrote his name instead of Keith’s, and Jon and Jaclyn buy it, unsurprisingly. I bet they agree to get their Macs cleaned on a routine basis.
Next day, Keith is on the beach preparing to set up a fishing net while he spits. Natalie approaches and tells him she was supposed to vote for him. Since this means he is now indebted to her for his safe return to subsisting on rice and brushing his teeth with a twig, she asserts that he, she, Missy, and Baylor must align to kick out Jon. For someone who uses the term “twinnie,” she certainly is ruthless.
Next comes the Reward Challenge, during which two teams are tethered together to race through some some obstacle courses, including a pile of hay and some wooden structures. They must repeatedly fill buckets with water and carry them back and forth until they fill another, larger bucket that releases the requisite puzzle pieces. The jigsaw in the prop shop must have some ironclad warranty. The winners earn a spa experience where they’ll be prettied up, massaged, and eat more brownies. A bakery must be one of the sponsors.
Missy, tied to Keith and Jon, keeps stumbling as they negotiate the obstacles, which also include an oversized teeter-tooter strung with nylon-rope netting in coordinating team colors. She’s probably just trying to avoid touching Keith. But she quickly ends up with the injured ankle. That’s what happens when you don’t bring your Viactiv along.
The Teeter-Totter Cam documents the teams clambering up the netting and trying to stay upright as the thing smacks back downward. It’s the best thing on the show so far, vying with the Horse Head Cam on last season’s The Bachelorette.
Natalie, Jaclyn, and Baylor are way ahead, having filled their large bucket first and started their puzzle. “Girls arguing,” Jeff notes gleefully as they struggle to arrange their pieces. Nevertheless, the blue team of Keith, Jon, and The Cripple catches up quickly and completes their puzzle first for the win. As they celebrate, Missy insists bravely that her ankle is fine, but we, and TV Guide, know better.
Jeff asks if Jaclyn thinks she deserves the spa day more. Who care if she does? If my lottery ticket didn’t have the winning numbers, it doesn’t matter that I deserve the money more than that imbecile on Long Island who won the Mega Millions. But Jon gives his share in the reward to Baylor. He’s not into manicures and massages, he reports–more likely he’s into spanking–and he wants to give that experience to a mother and daughter to share, because girls appreciate that girly stuff that’s all girly. Natalie is sent to Exile Island where she’ll remain grubby for another day.
In reality, Jon is eager to solidify his alliance by donating the spa session to Baylor an buying her loyalty. Little does he know that Baylor’s loyalty cannot be bought. It can only be connived for.
Arriving at the spa, the trio is greeted by some native-type ladies presenting drinks and piles of shrimp on ice. Incredibly, this is Keith’s first time at a spa. It’s probably Keith’s first time showering. He remarks that there are not many opportunities to have a massage in Louisiana, what with all the levees bursting and the cross-burnings.
As they dine on spa-food, which is apparently a special genre of comestible, they examine Missy’s ankle, now the approximate size of a canned ham. “Thayat ain’t goud,” Keith diagnoses.
Jon is happy to be alone with Jaclyn back at camp, where they can share their lack of insight one on one. They discuss how Natalie messed up by voting for Alec. “Can’t have that happen,” he notes sagely. “Maybe she did it on purpose,” Jaclyn suggests, light bulb visibly glowing over her head. Boy, are they going to feel stupid when they watch this back.
On Exile Island, Natalie regrets going this long without seeing her sister Nadiya. She sobs that she is trying to use the pain as motivation, and make the long separation worthwhile. Meanwhile, her sister is busy trying to book them on America’s Got Talent.
Next day, Missy hobbles to the Immunity Challenge. The group hands Natalie some rice. She describes how emotionally exhausting her visit to Exile Island was, where thoughts of her missing sister and visions of Jon’s emaciated torso tormented her. Missy cries at her ankle pain, but insists she won’t quit. Baylor’s face registers her own agony, although a little less believably. Jeff calls the medics in. “It’s huge!” he observes of her ankle. The examination, which is shot in detailed close-up as if it were a Nat Geo documentary about insect life, reveals that she has a significant sprain.
“I just don’t want it to be broken,” Missy wails wretchedly. “Are you concerned that it’s broken?” Jeff asks her searchingly and redundantly. They will have to x-ray to determine if that’s the case, the medic intones. That, or do a cross-promotion with Untold Stories of the E.R. No scene has been more electrifying since the jury returns the verdict in Inherit the Wind.
As Missy continues to cry piteously, Jeff asks the medic, “Do you, as a doctor, think she needs to be pulled from the game?” As a reality TV show crew member, the medic feels it’s Missy’s call. He himself signed a liability waiver. She decides she’ll sit this challenge out and proceed from there, hoping for the best. She will continue to fulfill her contractual obligation to be embarrassingly melodramatic about the incident.
“What’s that like for you?” Jeff asks Baylor. She replies weepily that her mom never throws in the towel, except when one of her marriages isn’t going well.
Onto the challenge. They must each balance a pottery vase that frankly, no one wants to display on their mantelpiece anyway, which is sitting on a stand attached to a little teeter-totter that they’re standing on. If the vase falls, smashing to smithereens like their dignity, they are out. Jaclyn loses her vase first. Baylor’s falls next. A huge gust of wind appears. “Your feet are numb. The wind is blowing. Who wants this the most?” Jeff exhorts, like a Dylan song that never made it to the recording studio.
Keith is out next, leaving Natalie and Jon. Gee, who could have predicted that. Jon leans forward and appears to cause his vase to fall from its perch. Natalie wins.
Jon thinks this win makes up for Natalie “messing up” the voting. Now they can get Keith out! His naivete is just adorable.
Jon feels God has a plan for him and he must accept it. God does have a sense of humor. Natalie wants to split the votes and toss out either Jon or Jaclyn. Keith agrees, because otherwise, he’s a goner. Jaclyn feels paranoid, but Jon does have his immunity idol. Who are they planning to vote for?
Baylor points out that she and Missy can vote Jaclyn, and Keith and Natalie can vote Jon, but Missy won’t do it. She has a deal with Jon. “Three marriages, three divorces. She’s putting the man before herself,” Baylor sneers. These two need the million dollars for therapy.
“I have to feel I played this game truthfully,” Missy declares. This is my first season watching, and even I know that’s the best way to lose.
Off to Council they go. The silent jury arrives and settles in, Alec looking slackjawed. Keith thinks he should make a big move to impress them. “Who’s more trustworthy than a fireman?” Jeff cries jubilantly. Certainly not an Atlanta Brave or whatever Natalie does for a living.
Jaclyn thinks she and Jon are safe. Natalie is pointed out as an outsider without a loved one present, although Keith is a single now, too, but don’t expect consistency on a show that believes tiki torches relate to Nicaraguan culture. Jon thinks about his final speech a lot. He’s worn down a lot of crayons drafting it. He says if you want trust, you have to give trust. Missy describes herself as loyal to a fault, except in the case of her daughter.
Time to vote. Will Jon use his idol? No, that would be smart. Keith, Jaclyn, Keith, Jaclyn, Jon, Jon. A three-way tie! Didn’t we kind of know that would happen? Baylor, Missy, and Natalie must vote again. Uh oh. Who will go south on the plan? I bet Natalie, she’s a real snake in the grass. But no, Jon is voted out. Natalie grins devilishly. Jaclyn grimaces. Jon must tear up his speech, which began, The eyes of the world are upon you. The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you, and ended with, Massive kudos to moi, dude.
Jeff concludes, “Survivor can lull you into believing in something that doesn’t exist, like trust.” Or a naturally unlined forehead on someone his age.
