The Bachelor — Season 18, Episode 1809 — Live Blog and Discussion

That bastion of incisive journalism, People.com, interviewed last week’s Bachelor flotsam Elise to shed light on her experience as a human item of bruised produce removed by clerks from the assortment at Whole Foods. They asked her: “On the photo-shoot date, you chose not to pose nude. Do you regret switching or feel like you missed out on an opportunity to get closer to Juan Pablo?” Because getting nekkid in front of a camera is how you develop a meaningful bond with a complete stranger of the opposite sex.

Elise further informed an eagerly waiting public that she is a very positive person, she is who she is, and that everything happens when and how it is supposed to. You can see why they chose her from among the thousands of very special young women vying for the chance to win Juan Pablo’s heart, and possibly the opportunity to write inspirational Facebook posts for the ABC page. Far more importantly, Elise also reported that Nikki’s sarcasm is extremely negative, Sharleen is magnetic but might not necessarily be right for JP, and since Clare is older than most of the women, “she might feel more entitled to fall in love because of that.” That teaching degree really paid off, Elise. Right now, however, she’s between reality show stints jobs.

As we visit Vietnam tonight, we can look forward to witnessing more resentment, bitterness, and expressions of violence than have been seen since the fall of Saigon. The preview clips make it look like it exclusively happens at night and lit by Asian lanterns, and once in a cave. Maybe all the girls were haggard-looking from jet lag.

JP is concerned about making the right decisions at all times, like which one of the remaining 11 bachelorettes to kiss on TV. For their part, one girl describes this country as being different from Korea because it has nature. She’s probably the same one who worried about not having a kimono.

Renee shall enjoy the first one-on-one date. She says JP makes her palms hurt, which I suspect is a condition that requires some kind of orthopedic brace rather than an afternoon eating weird seafood. JP meets her for a stroll through the city. She’s pretty casually dressed, but short shorts are always di rigueur for this social event. He puts her in a pedi-cab and does the pedaling himself. There’s an Ankle Cam, a Chest Cam, and an Elbow Cam to document this seminal moment. She’s looking more and more like Marcia Brady. Maybe she’ll try to get Davy Jones to sing at their dinner date.

Renee chooses some fabric for a custom-made dress; he leans in and ogles the tape when the clerk measures her bust. This is apparently a-okay for his daughter to view on TV. Their gift-buying and charming-native-people-admiring activities are interrupted frequently for interviews of them both about the process of the date. Nevertheless, Renee is having a great time and really wants to kiss JP. She should have applied more make-up, then, since she looks like the “before” photo in a Women’s Day make-over feature.

JP can’t wait to see the debut of the dress this evening, which is not a mini and shows no cleavage. He must not have chosen the pattern himself. They’re off to dinner in a private, romantic, camera-strewn setting lit by red lanterns. She tells him about her kid’s father, who is as mysterious a figure as Camila’s mother. JP approves of her mom skills, but that seems to have more to do with his deciding she looks hot in her new dress than anything she said about parenting.

A group date is announced back at the house. Andi is miffed that she’s not getting face time with JP. I mean, beyond the face-sucking she got the other day.

Meanwhile, JP gets all gooey and presents a rose to Renee. She is so happy; it means so much. Therapy would mean a lot more, Renee, if your expectations are set that low. They meander through the streets and buy little baskets with candles to lower into the water. JP muses about whether to kiss her, because of her son, you know. It seems increasingly evident that he witnessed the primal scene and has not had sufficient analysis to recover from it.

The group date girls are off to meet JP the next day. Reminiscent of a summer camp outing, they choose partners and climb into traditional Vietnamese circular bamboo boats to paddle around a lake. Later they’ll short-sheet Nikki’s bed. Clare ends up with JP because she has no pals among the girls. Traditional Vietnamese Circular Bamboo Boat Cam shows us their knees as they get themselves stuck up against an embankment, so he grabs her for a kiss. The other girls glare malevolently.

Back at the hotel, Nikki, who got a one-one-one date, insists she doesn’t care what’s happening on the group date. But what if she doesn’t get a rose? “That’s stupid,” she muses. “I always do.”

The group is led to some hut for dinner, where they are given baskets and pyramid hats and forced to work in the field harvesting food. The budget must have run over. Out in the field, Andi sneaks over to question JP about getting a one-on-one. He evades the question, probably because he hasn’t spoken to the producer yet. They go back into the hut to eat as the resident peasant emails his accountant in the back room. Everyone resents Clare’s antics out on the boat, but she will not change who she is, no matter what anyone says! Does that mean she was slutty, possessive, and calculating before the show, too?

At the cocktail party later, JP goes off with Clare, to the other girls’ simmering resentment. She wants him to know she’s here for him, not just the free luxury hotels and air travel. JP takes her to his suite, where there’s a pool. They jump in and proceed to make out. This guy has gotten more action with her than in his entire career on the soccer field.

Next he’s off with Sharleen, who is in another backless dress. She must save a fortune on bras. As they sit on the beach, she’s questioning the strength of their connection. She wants him to see her a panda in a room full of brown bears, she says. I see her as more of an anteater.

Cassandra is next, giggling and using “like” more often than Sharleen uses her tongue to dislodge popcorn from JP’s back teeth. He makes out with her, too. Maybe it’s always dark so Camila can’t see.

JP tells the group that the “conversations” with all of them tonight were great. Clare gets the rose. Andi is deeply disappointed, and wonders what she’s doing there. Showing poor taste and sacrificing her dignity are my guesses.

Clare is feeling so ecstatic now that she decides she wants to go swimming in the warm ocean with JP. It’s four in the morning, but she knocks on hi door. I thought this kind of thing wasn’t permitted, but since the camera guys were on overtime, why not. She wants that special moment together to let go of her fear and be vulnerable, which requires making out with him again.

Nikki prepares for her date the next day by dressing like Olivia Newton-John in the “Physical” video. JP likes her because her name is very close to “naked.” She seems to have an issue with meeting his gaze, or maybe she’s just vapid. They stroll through a park full of statuary until they come to a giant hole in the ground that is only somewhat metaphoric, since it’s probably historic and of international interest.  JP tells her it’s a cave called Hell that they’re going to rappel into. She admits she’s afraid of heights; in fact, all she can do is picture plummeting to the bottom. That’s not a metaphor, because in terms of her self-worth, it’s already happened.

They put on their gear and helmets and start to lower themselves in to the cave. She’s frantic with fear, and rightfully so. It’s pretty deep and what the hell kind of date is this? Dinner and a movie, that’s a date. A Will Ferrell movie isn’t even satisfactory within that category of date.  But since he kisses her, she’s okay in the end. There’s almost as much tongue as with Sharleen, so Nikki’s probably a polar bear.

Later they sit in a romantic, candle-lit setting while the crew munches dinner 20 feet away. JP fondles Nikki’s hair while she bitches about not being a morning person. He asks about her job, but is unfamiliar with the term “pediatric,” so I guess Camila’s mom takes her to all her doctor’s appointments. She has thought long and hard about being a stepmom, and decided she has a lot of love to give a child. Except in the mornings. Here comes the rose and yet another kiss. Is Camila shut up in a trunk somewhere this week? JP likes Nikki’s heart a lot, he says enthusiastically, and judging from the aggressive making out that follows, he likes some of her other body parts, too.

Pre-Rose Ceremony, JP babbles about how hard it is to send home three girls he never got to have sex with. Chelsie thinks that with only eight girls vulnerable, three is a huge chunk to lose. She knows percentages.

Andi goes off with him and they discuss her nervousness. He wants a kiss, gets it, then she wants another. It’s like the whole show is him taste-testing new types of cereal at a mall kiosk. Next he goes off with Renee. He questions her son’s reaction to having some guy coming around, she starts to answer, and JP swoops in for a kiss. Dramatic music plays as they chew on each other.  Now let’s ask her son how he feels about that same guy not paying child support.

It’s an assembly line, with Clare next. He tells her he now regrets their ocean antics for being unfair–but it’s more than that. It was the blue balls. No, he has a daughter. Did you know that? They ought to run a crawl about it along the bottom of the screen through the course of the show. Perhaps JP might consider either: A) not appearing on a national TV show wherein he is compelled to paw at a dozen strange women in the space of two hours; or B) turning off the TV during those two hours.  Clare starts crying. She sees her love slipping away over a single impulsive act, or else she’s really had it with this jerk.

A news teaser tells me my sweet tooth might be killing me, but I would rather die by Little Debbie than the sword. Nikki gleefully senses the tension when Clare and JP return. Clare is agonizing that Camila will eventually witness the distantly shot G-rated consensual sexual activity that she was responsible for initiating, and be traumatized. It’s similar to the GOP platform on low-income single motherhood. In a dark corner, JP tries to comfort her. She asks why he didn’t refuse her invitation to get jiggy. He didn’t want to hurt her, he says. Or have to foot the bill for porn on the hotel’s cable.

She returns to the group claiming her allergies are acting up; everyone else is suspicious and narrow-eyed. JP seems somber, or else it’s his blue balls. Andi is irate that JP spent more time with Clare than anybody else, when she already has a rose. Why would he spend so much time with someone he likes? It’s just baffling. Danielle says something banal, I always forget she’s there.

Chris commends the girls for taking this whole process seriously, like it’s a PhD program or work with the Peace Corps. JP sighs at how difficult a task it is to winnow out the girls he doesn’t find as attractive, much as I feel tormented choosing among the chocolates in a box of Godivas. Sharleen gets the first rose, then Cassandra, followed by Chelsie. Tragic faces amid the remaining group. The next rose is for Kat, then one is left, which goes to Andi. Goodbye to Danielle, Alli, and Kelly. It’s a My Lai massacre of brunettes with two “l”s in their names.

Multiple choice question for commenters:

At the close of tonight’s show, JP explains that the decision process is based on the fact that “At the end of this, I have a ________.”

  • A. significantly larger bank account
  • B. shamefully poor grasp of English
  • C. really itchy STD
  • D. daughter

 

Next week, kissing under a waterfall, crying, too much make-up, and Sharleen using the word “organic” again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.