What six acts will make up the second half of the slate of 12 pre-finalists to perform next week? We’ll be here to find out tonight at 9 EST on NBC, unless something better comes along, like the Good Humor truck or a call from a telemarketer.
This is a tough call. Kenichi Ebina, Chicago Boyz, and KriStef all have a strong chance. Marty Brown seems to have staying power even when he sounds like a tubercular Sonny Bono, so last night his fans must have thought he was channeling Caruso. Then there’s Anna Christine, over whom the judges slobbered as if a socially inept, overemoting tween seemingly on the verge of nervous collapse had never been a contestant on the show before, while Branden James offers the one-two punch of being cute and having a mom who loves him again because he sang on the show. But was America more in the mood for a banal comedian, or a retread illusionist act, or a choir full of moderately capable singers who live on a military base? I’m pretty sure the kid dancers are toast, as well as Timber Brown, whose act just reminded everyone that they had to get the laundry done. As for Jimmy Rose, there have been better country singers who didn’t also look like Zippy the Pinhead.
Results show right now LIVE, yells Nick at the end of the previous recap show. We see a rapid series of the same clips we just saw, which are from what we saw last night. We’re sure to see them again soon, but with frayed edges from overuse.
Nick is wearing what looks like a three-piece velveteen suit to announce that Fall Out Boy will be performing. They’re still relevant? And is velveteen?
But first we have to see The Kiss again, and everyone’s comical over-reactions. Backstage, Marty Brown appears to have a cheekful of tobaccy. Howie wishes the Jews a happy new year. Is the Orville Lounge a walk-in closet? Why is everyone always standing right next to each other in there?
Nick introduces FOB, so it’s time to go for some snacks and check the news. Valerie Harper really will be on DWTS! And Bill Nye the Science Guy? What? Is Carrot Top a guitarist for FOB? There are not enough close-ups in this segment. Nick asks Pete Wentz who he likes on the show, and he says Collins Key. This from the guy who married Ashlee Simpson.
Fall Out Boy performs Live ~ AGT 2013, The Results by HumanSlinky
It’s 9:22 and no results yet. But here’s the first one: The military spouses, Branden James, and naked-from-the-waist-up Timber Brown come forward. Branden gets the spot. He leans into the crowd of women for a group hug, then claims in a shaking voice that “there’s someone out there watching out for me.” Meanwhile, a baby is killed in a car accident.
Next, the Boyz and the Brothers come forward. They both got spots! Their insurance carriers must be the only ones who didn’t vote for them.
After Nick asks inane questions of the performers lounging in the Snapple Shack, we go to the Howard and Howie Moment. We discover that Howard like chocolate mint cookies, and Heidi explains the purpose of the padding in a bra. Finally, we learn something useful.
Then it’s another performance, by the Artists of Light, who dance in the dark outlined in colored lights. Technology is taking over too many artistic endeavors. Next thing you know, the Louvre will replace the Mona Lisa with a Photoshopped version where her hair is ombre.
iLuminate ~ AGT 2013, The Results by HumanSlinky
Three spots left, seven acts waiting to hear. Marty Brown and Jimmy Rose go head to head, or haid ta haid, next. Jimmy gets it. He’s so laid back he may fall over.
Who will get the final two spots? The suspense is tolerable. Leon and Romy, John Wing, and Kenichi Ebina step up. Of course, it’s Kenichi. Isn’t it? Yes! The illusionists get a consolation prize of an appearance on Jimmy Fallon. Wing just fades into obscurity.
The last two acts now, Anna Christine and D’Angelo and Amanda. Kid vs. kids. Precocious vs. precious. ADHD vs. high-functioning autism. Disturbing vs. unnerving. The judges must decide. Heidi chooses the dancers. Mel goes for Anna. Howard helpfully points out how young they both are, then goes with Anna as well. Howie chooses the dancers, creating a tie so it will not seem as though the judges are cruel to children. America, which is cruel to children, preferred the dancers. Anna Christine will invite Ruby to join her on a forum for self-harmers later this evening.
Next week, the top 12 pre-finalists perform yet again. I have that and oral surgery to look forward to. See you then.
