It’s that time again, the magic hour (9 PM EST) when Howie, Howard, Heidi, and Mel convene (on NBC) to assess talent from all over the country and decide if it’s good enough, or likely to go viral enough, to be sent to Vegas for the next round of try-outs.
In a recent interview, Howie said, “I can honestly tell you … the greatest and most exciting moment so far, and it’s happened more this season than any other season, is when our jaw drops. When you go, ‘Oh, my God.’ When we look at each other without any words and go, ‘Oh, my God. What are we watching? What is this? You know, what category?'” He was referring to Mel’s cleavage.
We’re in Chicago tonight. Go, Windy City.
A 17-year-old dog trainer leads off the show. The frowsy beige teen is Kelsey and the fluffy white dog is Bailey. They dance to a song from Grease, with the dog hopping backwards on his hind legs, weaving through Kelsey’s legs, and jumping over her arms. Meanwhile, my dog won’t even sit unless he gets a treat. Like many of us, Bailey yawns during the judges’ comments.
Kelsey & Bailey, 17 ~ AGT 2013 Chicago… by HumanSlinky
A family with 12 children does an act where they spin basketballs on sticks they clutch between their teeth and ride giant unicycles around the stage. Seems like as good a reason as any to make birth control illegal. Next comes a singer who does Over the Rainbow, which we have seen about as often as Heidi gets a bikini wax. Then there’s a dance performance with people holding giant tablets showing photos that tell some sappy story. Too Apple ad-ish.
Successful ~ AGT 2013 Chicago Auditions Day 2 by HumanSlinky
Hey, it’s a juggler! Finally, some old-school talent. David Ferman went to college, but this is his real dream. I went to college, too, but my real dream is to win the MegaMillions. Acknowledging that jugglers don’t get no respect, David’s going to do the most dangerous act in the history of balls. He balances a Molotov cocktail on top of a balloon, which is balancing on a stick poking out of his mouth. Then he pops the balloon and catches the falling bottle of flaming gas on the stick. Pfft, it would’ve been better if a rattlesnake had popped the balloon. Incidentally, “falling bottle of flaming gas” could also be used to describe Howie.
David Ferman, 19 ~ AGT 2013 Chicago Auditions… by HumanSlinky
A group of young acrobats called Chicago BoyZ is next. Aged 9 to 23, they are from the South Side of Chicago, like the First Lady and Bad, Bad Leroy Brown. They jump, flip, and roll all over the place, and are generally very limber. Meanwhile, I can’t get off the sofa without supporting my lower back. At one point, they grab the littlest kid and use him as a jump rope, which is either part of the act or they’re just really being mean. Then their coach comes out and explains that these kids better behave and keep their grades up, too.
Chicago Boyz, 9-23 ~ AGT 2013 Chicago Auditions… by HumanSlinky
After that come two young girls called 2 Unique. They’re both 10, but one appears to be 6 feet tall. It’s all those hormones in our food, you know. The littler one spins vinyl while the other does something akin to singing and jumps around. The way that little girls entertained people was different when I was 10. It was not enough hormones in our food, you know. The girls are off to Vegas, and I wonder about their schoolwork.
After that, an acrobatic dance team of young girls fling each other around perilously, and then a 12-year-old sings, less perilously. They’re followed by some Asian ethnic dancers in flowy yellow outfits. Everyone squeals with joy at going to Vegas.
2Unique, 10 ~ AGT 2013 Chicago Auditions Day 2 by HumanSlinky
We watch Howard and Howie fight over the appeal of a young singer with pink cheeks and a guitar (he doesn’t go through), and then we meet Sully Dunn, an intense, bandanna’ed young fellow who also sings and plays the guitar. He appears in flannel and ragged jeans and paces nervously. But instead of playing moody, folksy, Jeff Buckley-ish stuff as all we eye-rollers expect, he performs a fast-paced, funny bit about college that ends abruptly when he appears to have broken a string. Howard and Howie argue over him, too. Those two need to get a room.
Pat McKillen and Sully Dunn ~ AGT 2013 Chicago… by HumanSlinky
Branden James is another opera singer, and another gay guy whose parents were not happy to find out about it. But he’s a hell of a lot better-looking than the gay opera singer we had the other week. That’s what America really cares about, after all. He gets a standing ovation. Howie tells his mom she created a gem, and tears flow. Can we have some variety in our sob stories, please? Maybe a rejected lesbian who sings standards?
Branden James, 34 ~ AGT 2013 Chicago Auditions… by HumanSlinky
Next we have a cat trainer. Spontaneous Art has been training felines for 15 years, he says. The question is why. Oh, ha, it’s a giant mechanical cat, or possibly some people in a suit. The massive creature spits out a hairball the size of an ottoman and then takes a dump onstage without benefit of a giant litterbox. An apt metaphor for this show.
Following is a “wrestling sideshow circus” that gets buzzed, then a comedian in an orange smoking jacket. He’s about as funny as the hairball.
Enrique, whose voice sounds like Dr. Ruth on helium, will teach the audience to dance the samba. He proceeds to shimmy like a bowl of aspic having a seizure. Everyone in the theater follows suit, and it measures 4.3 on the Richter scale.
Unsuccessful ~ AGT 2013 Chicago Auditions Day 2 by HumanSlinky
Moving on to San Antonio, we’re presented with yet another singer/guitarist, Dave Fenley. This guy has a scraggly beard, bedraggled ponytail, and baggy jeans. So of course, he’ll sound all earthy and authentic. Howie says he’s just been discovered. I want a barber to discover him.
David Fenley, 34 ~ AGT 2013 San Antonio… by HumanSlinky
Now we have a kid from corn country who calls himself Dancing Dylan Wilson. Maybe he practices in between the rows. He will perform animation hip hop. It looks like he has no bones. He’s a yokel Baryshnikov.
Dylan Wilson, 17 ~ AGT 2013 San Antonio… by HumanSlinky
Hunk o’ Mania’s International Men of Steel are wearing some kind of Trojan warrior costumes. They have broad, naked, oiled chests and red mini-skirts. Otherwise, they really don’t do anything. But we don’t need them to.
Hunk O Mania’s International Men of Steel ~ San… by HumanSlinky
Two brothers are next, Native Americans who are 52″ tall and both named Jesus. Okay. Their act, which is called Lil Mike and Funny Bone, consists of what I guess is a rap performance. I still have no idea how to judge the quality of something like this, but I suspect this is not top-drawer.
Lil Mike & Funny Bone 32, 27 ~ San Antonio… by HumanSlinky
The final act for the evening is some ex-Marines who make music. The few, the proud, the auditioners. The American Hitmen are a rock band, although the lead singer looks like a CPA. Heidi likes them. I would remind her that we creamed her country in another war. Howie says veterans coming back from their foxholes to play rock on a national stage could only happen on AGT. Unless, of course, they’d auditioned for The Voice.
American Hitmen, 28-34 ~ AGT 2013 San Antonio… by HumanSlinky
That’s tonight’s rather mediocre show. Let’s hope next week is an improvement–looks like something explodes, so we can hope. Night!
Next Week On America’s Got Talent ~ Auditions… by HumanSlinky
