Here it is…My Austin Re-Cap! FINALLY. Kind of anti-climactic at this point, eh?
I can’t wait for the auditions to end. How many ways can a deluded wanna-be singer or fake-ity fake famewhore butcher a song and still keep it entertaining? My answer? Not very long. Bring on the talented, please. At least we get a few good ones every episode to keep things moderately interesting.
Let’s start with Funeral Director, Jason Horn, shall we? Those of you might remember my post back on January 13, where I mocked a dorky-looking picture of Jason and joked that the producers probably only let him through as a gimmick. Uhhm, some of his friends got kind of…upset. I was joking. And I never meant to impugn Jason’s character. I poked some fun at his picture and then made the point that some folks get through on a good backstory–and that Jason could be a good example. I promised that I’d be the first to admit it–if Jason turned out to be a good singer. OK. JASON IS A VERY GOOD SINGER. He has a clear, beautiful Josh-Groban like tone. What’s more, he and his family all have a great sense of humor–especially about the “family business”. He was extremely likable, and very cute on camera. However, I still maintain that his occupation is a great gimmick–for the show–that got him mucho screen time. When Jason told the judges he was an embalmer, that was pretty awesome. I told his friend Chris, that when Jason appeared, I’d post a link to a new fansite: www.jasonhornonline.com.
Ricky Hayes, is a young music student from Texas, with a pretty smooth voice. Paula called it “refreshing.” Which, incidentally, is how she described Corey Clark’s voice when he auditioned in front of the judges. Actually, she said Corey had a “refreshing upper register.” Hee. Ricky is a much better singer than Corey, so I don’t think Paula said that just to get in his pants. Ahem. He sang “I Can’t Make You Love Me” with hand gestures that I suppose were meant to be helpful. Like, when he sang “voices inside my head, ” he pointed to his head. Actually, I found that more distracting than helpful. Otherwise, he was pretty good.
“People will like you, ” Simon said to fit model, Ashley Jackson, explaining why he’d put through this singer despite less than stellar vocals. Actually, he left out a couple of words. “Your boobs.” I think he meant to say, “People will like your boobs.” Or maybe he meant, “I like your boobs.” Or maybe he really meant, “I want to nail you.” Hmmm. yeah. Well she CAN sing the Star Spangled Banner with her mouth closed. Whoopie!
I wanted so badly for Ronnie “RJ” Norman’s performance in front of the judges to suck. It would have been so much fun to mock him here. Alas, his audition was very good. In the pre-taped bit, RJ exhibited behavior that could be a primer for How To Be A Tool 101. Here’s an example of his sparkling dialog:
“You could call me a bit of a ladies man…People think I’m cocky, but I’m confident
I get along with the ladies…30 and up they’re drinking some wine…that’s money man, that’s money…Just flirt with them, they love it…especially if you don’t see a little ring on their finger…maybe they’re a divorcee or a widow”
Then he does this vocal thing–badappap! Maybe it’s the international call for “I nailed her.” Or perhaps, “In my dreams I nailed her.” Unfortunately, RJ performed “Ain’t no Sunshine When She’s Gone” and pretty much nailed THAT.
On the total and complete opposite end of the spectrum was sweet, soulful, 16 year old Will Makar. 100% Total Cutie, and probably a year or so too young for the competition. I actually kinda agreed with Paula on this one. She didn’t want to put him through because she felt he wasn’t ready. Somebody on my home board made the point that she probably had Season 3 contestant John Stevens in mind when she said that. Toward the end of his run, John looked like he could barely handle the pressure. Personally, I think the bottom age limit should be 18. Randy and Simon put Will through to Hollywood, based on his awesome rendition of the Temptations “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” Here’s a contestant just made for “Motown Week.” I hear Will made the Top 44/48. Hopefully he, and that other young’un Paris Bennett, won’t be worse for the wear when it’s all over.
Speaking of “worse for the wear, ” here are the also rans, or the wish-there-never-weres…
I had to post a picture of self-described “Fashion Genius” and Paula Abdul worshipper Paula Goodspeed’s teef. Holy Crap, she’s got BLING in her mouth!!!
When Cierra Johnson opened her mouth, and a bunch of scary stuff came out, Simon acted shocked. “I thought you’d be a good singer, ” he said. Why? Because she’s pretty? Acts confident? What? And, why on earth did she decide to sing “O Holy Night” in the middle of summer? That’s a pretty hard song to sing. A vocalist with limited skills should try to stick with the easy stuff. When she bust out into “Silent Night” she actually didn’t sound half-bad.
Maybe I’m a little slow on the uptake, but did the Judges give contestant, Allison Schoening, a second chance because she almost died in a plane crash? Her account of the back-door seal cracking, everybody donning oxygen masks and being herded to the front of the plane DID sound pretty scary. Quite frankly, I would have prolly peed my pants. But it was pretty obvious the girl had no game the minute she opened her mouth. See, this is what I mean about a contestant with a good backstory getting plenty of airtime. At least she wasn’t put through to Hollywood. However, she does get some points for dissing Simon even if she was only playing along with a script…
Simon: Imagine Randy in trunks
Allison: I could imagine you, but that’s probably why I sucked so bad.
And she made this awesome face when RJ was flirting with her.
I don’t think this guy, Kevin Mitchell, looks like Randy at all.
Mini-rant ahead. Notice that contestant, Tessie Mae Reid, 17, is standing here crying. Notice that her mother is standing next to her. Are any of you like me, and wondering why in the hell Mom is standing there, rubber-stamping this lunacy? Truth is LOVE kiddies. Parents should always tell the truth no matter what. Here’s an example of Tough Love:
“Honey, I love you very much, and I must tell you the truth. That awful outfit you picked out accentuates every roll of flab on your body. The two-toned hair is not flattering. And you can’t sing. At all. Not by any stretch of the imagination. You are NOT auditioning for American Idol. I will not stand by and allow you to be fed to the wolves by a bunch of Tee Vee asshats whose sole intention is to take advantage of your youthful naivete. This may sound harsh, and you may hate me now, but I’m your parent, and as such, my job is to protect you. So the answer is NO!”
Obviously, Mom of Tessie Mae is all about the Indulging and not about the Truth. Simon’s remarks at the end of this segment, comparing Tessie to a sack of potatoes–“You know when you buy a sack and you keep stuffing it full of potatoes…I know I can get another potato in there”–Not Funny. Mom had the power to protect Tessie from the humiliation she must feel right about now, but she didn’t. Stupid parents…
Tuesday — BOSTON!!!! They save the best for last…
The Road to Hollywood – Austin style.