Glee Season 5 Spoilers: Major Moments from “New Directions”

GLEE: Santana (Naya Rivera, L) and Rachel (Lea Michele, R) perform in the "New Directions" episode of GLEE airing Tuesday, March 25 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ©2014 Broadcasting Co. CR: Tyler Golden/FOX

I JUST saw a full screener from tomorrow’s Glee “New Directions” episode. I’ve written up explicit spoilers for those of you who love that. IF YOU DON’T STOP READING NOW!

There’s LOTS of music in this episode. The downside is that there’s very little plot. What’s there, between musical numbers, ties up loose ends in Ohio–a little too pat and quickly-to make way for the all-New York storyline that begins next week with “New New York.”

  • Holly Holiday (Gwyneth Paltrow) and April Rhodes (Kristin Chenoweth) play “Kill, Marry or Bone” with Will Schuster, Brad the Piano Player and Figgins. Heh. Holly would bang Will, Marry Figgins, and push Brad off a cliff. April would marry Will and have sex with Figgins.  “I’ve gotten really good at my soul floating above my body when I’m doing the nasty. I’d cringe my way through a sweaty hump with Figgins, and bone Will Schuester well into my 60s.”
  • Holly and Sue Sylvester remained buds. There’s a bit with the two of them training for a spot on The Amazing Race as “Team Gorgeous”.  Sue to April:  “America’s favorite alcoholic dwarf whore.”
  • Holly and April scheme to “shoehorn music into McKinley’s extra curricular clubs”
  • Will and April’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” duet is NOT in the episode.
  • Neither is the scene from the promo where Kurt wipes a tear from his eye and says he dislikes nostalgia.
  • Because Tina was rejected by Ohio State and still waiting to hear from Brown, she pretends to be Jewish to get into “Mitvah University” in New York. She leaves the “Chang” off of her application. Alas, she is eventually found out and does not get in.
  • We find out in the first five minutes that Blaine was accepted to NYADA. When Blaine and Kurt burst in with “big news,” Sam says, “You guys got married and adopted Russian twin babies!” No silly!
  • As the kids celebrate Blaine’s NYADA acceptance, Sam accidentally smacks Tina in the head with a competition trophy. (Rachel, Sam, Artie and Tina are in the choir room packing up.)  Tina has a dream that She, Sam, Kurt, Blaine, Rachel, Santana, Artie, Mercedes, Brittany, Mike, and Puck are all living in NYC like the “Friends” cast. This version is called “Chums,” complete with the theme song and intro.  There are 90’s style comedy bits in the loft set to a laugh track, along with bits in the spotlight diner, that has everybody in Spotlight garb,  except Sam, who remains in his t-shirt. The running joke is that he left his clothes at the laundromat. Tina catches Kurt and Blaine making out (Blaine is on top of Kurt in the bottom bed of a bunk. Is that a friends thing?) “If I wanted to watch men in capri pants slobber all over each other, I’d watch Monday Night Football,” says Tina.  Sam spends the entire skit in his underwear. Rachel is Rachel and gets a Rachel (haircut, that is!). “I’m never coming out of here!” cries Rachel afraid to come out of the bathroom after a bad spray tan. Kurt: “That’s what I said sophomore year of high school!”  Everything in this scene is played for laughs. It’s a sitcom parody. It only lasts a minute or two.
  • Kurt and Mercedes scheme to mend Santana and Rachel’s friendship. There’s a call back to the “tater tots” incident in the cafeteria from Season 2. Kurt claims they were arguing about it all over again but realized their relationship was more important. They sing “I Am Changing” and it’s glorious.
  • After the song, Rachel offers Santana any 10 Funny Girl shows after the first 3 months, as a peace offering.  Santana tells her, no way, because she’s going to take the part from her outright. “No more scraps, Rachel.”
  • It’s Brittany to the rescue. She fills the choir room with lilies and convinces Santana to follow her heart, offering her a one way ticket to the island of Lesbos, where all the Lesbians live. Santana is touched, but unconvinced running away is the right thing to do.  Brittany helps Santana realize that Broadway is really not her dream. “I spend months tangled up in knots, and in 5 minutes you straighten me out,” says Santana.
  • Holly addresses the Animal Husbandry club as Temple Grandin, and manages to insult everything and everyone in sight.  It’s a segue-way to “Party All the Time” which begins with Holly pulling off her wig (“Just because I don’t like loud noises, doesn’t mean I don’t like to party”)  and ends with everyone dressed in 80’s garb at a disco with lots of foam and gyrating. “Hows that for a field trip!” cries Holly as the Animal Husbandry club looks on in horror.
  • Blaine, Artie, and Sam begin “Loser Like Me” as a way to comfort Tina when she learns the Jewish school rejected her application.  They convince her to go to New York City without a plan.
  • Santana resigns as “Funny Girl” understudy via text.  She admits, jokingly, to Rachel that she’s really too lazy to be a Broadway star. But in reality, although she realizes that “Funny Girl” is Rachel’s dream, and she doesn’t want to step on it, Brittany has helped her see that her heart really isn’t in it.  After they patch things up, Rachel suggests they sing a song together for the Glee club.  After they finish singing “Be Ok” and are obviously friends again, Kurt and Mercedes have a little victory hug!
  • Sue got so much hate mail after the Temple Grandin debacle, that she calls off any attempt to incorporate music into McKinley extra curriculars.  Will admits defeat.
  • After Quinn and Puck sing “Just Give Me a Reason” in front of the choir room, Quinn announces to the group that she has accepted Puck’s offer to be his girlfriend.  Puck is hearing her answer for the first time, with the rest of the group.  She explains to him that he’s the only guy who has been OK with her being herself.  “Once you’ve seen a baby come out of a girl’s magic garden, everything else is easily acceptable,” says Puck.  Santana and Brittany look scandalized. But Santana admits “I really like this pairing.”  “I think I love you, Puck” says Quinn, before they kiss. Rachel looks so sad during this scene.
  • And with that song, Glee club is officially over. “Thank you guys, it’s been an honor,” says Will.
  • Holly enlists Artie to put together a goodbye film for Will. Each of the Glee clubbers share memories and talk about what an important influence Will had been in their lives. The video is a gift to Will’s unborn baby. “Here’s what your dad was like when we knew him,” is the theme. Kurt says “without a doubt, your dad saved my life.”  Tongue in cheek, Kurt continues, “Little Hepburn and Tracy wouldn’t have a daddy if it wasn’t for your dad. Those are the names of my kids who aren’t born yet either.” “We used a surrogate.”  says Blaine, popping into the shot. “I donated the egg!” jokes Quinn.  Santana and Brittany share a moment together, “Your dad made sure we felt safe loving whoever we chose,” says Santana, while Brittany points to both of them. Sam does his Will Schuester impression.
  • The film is a prelude to  “Don’t Stop Believing”.  Rachel, Kurt,  Mercedes, Tina Artie sing the first two lines.  Santana, Brittany, Quinn, Puck and Mike join them next.  Sam, Blaine and the newbies follow. Will joins them on stage and the song ends with the march up the stage and hands in the air.
  • The newbies get ONE brief scene together, where they have a big group hug, before they head off to watch their friends graduate. BYE NEWBIES.
  • At the graduation ceremony, Tina reveals that she won’t be going to New York after all, because she’s been accepted to Brown. Each of the graduates are called, by Sue, to claim their diplomas.  Becky gets a big hug from Sue.
  • Santana pulls some strings with Sue, allowing Brittany to graduate with her class.  She hands Brittany her cap and gown as Sue calls her name from the stage.
  • Santana suggests that after a vacation together in Lesbos and Hawaii, Brittany join her in New York City. Brittany says yes.
  • Will and Sue meet in the empty choir room. She tells him that she’ll miss the fight, and that he was a worthy adversary.   Because she believes he needs to be coaching a Glee club, she gets him an interview with Vocal Adrenaline.  Will is ambivalent.
  • After Sue leaves, Will takes one last minute in the choir room, as we hear snippets from “To Sir With Love” and other past moments.  The last voice is Finn’s before Will turns out the lights and leaves the room. “We went around the room and we asked ourselves what we wanted to win this thing for,” says Finn, “We wanted to win this for you.”
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  • lukien

    sounds exciting!

  • mmb

    Tina, an Ohio resident graduating in the top 3 of her class, gets rejected by Ohio State but admitted to Brown???? Is it really that impossible for the writers to make even these tiny little plot points resemble real life ???

  • Tinawina

    That actually could happen. Colege admissions is like that even for top students.

  • Eilonwy_has_an_emu

    Presuming she applied to the main (prestigious) campus, she’d face a competitive admissions process that doesn’t favor Ohio residents:

    It sounds like she’d hit many of the points in the official criteria, but if there’s a lot of competition for spots, OSU could decide she’s too much like some other, slightly more appealing, candidate and reject her. Meanwhile, Brown wants a couple Midwesterners or somebody who matches some part of her profile, so they let her in.

    I remember the days when some large and prestigious state university systems made a point of admitting every state resident with a GPA above a certain threshold, but that’s much less common than it was.

  • Reality.Bites

    Ohio State is required to admit any Ohio resident who graduates.

    (Finn never needed a football scholarship to go there either, especially with Burt being a congressman)

  • Eilonwy_has_an_emu

    That’s true for the satellite campuses but not for the main campus, as the admissions link I posted, from OSU’s site, states.

    It was probably true of the main campus at some time in our lifetimes, but the link I posted, from OSU’s official site, currently states that the admission procedure for the main campus is competitive, even for Ohio residents.

  • Kirsten

    Finn never needed a football scholarship to go there either, especially with Burt being a congressman

    Finn needed the scholarship to pay for the schooling. Carol didn’t have very much money (they made a point of that when Finn was devastated when Will framed him into joining the Glee club by “finding”/planting drugs in his locker because he wouldn’t be able to get a scholarship if it went on his record) and Burt made it clear that his savings were to put Kurt through school (but he would give Finn a job in the shop so he could earn his own money). Finn clearly would not have gotten a scholarship based on his academic ability.

  • Tinawina

    Exactly. An Ohio resident graduating number 3 in her class would certainly be competitive in the pool but it’s not a guaratnee of admission to the flagship campus, especially if she bombed the essay or something.

  • mmb

    I’m sure there may be cases where this happens but it is very rare. A top student with Ivy League caliber credentials is rarely rejected from the flagship state university campus. I’ve never known anyone accepted to an Ivy who was rejected by their state school. Again, doesn’t mean it’s never happened in the history of college admissions, but it’s definitely not the norm. I just don’t get why Glee can’t be realistic on even the smallest things.

  • Reality.Bites

    I know – but that’s all absurd. Congressmen make good money. Burt ran a successful business. Yes, in season one Finn might have needed a scholarship (although plenty of people make it without one), but by season 3, there was no real financial impediment to him going to Ohio state, which has a Lima campus so he could continue living at home.

  • lkingcorn

    OMG I’m out of breath reading the recap. They will need to do all these scenes at warp speed to fit it all into one show. But, of course they will, but this really seems ambitious even for them. As stated I’m a newby to Glee, so this is probably business as usual.