Whoa, how about this breaking story: Instead of the formulaic, predictable proceedings of the show tonight, ABC has labeled the episode 5B, which will feature an “emotional sit-down” with Hannah and Chris Harrison so she can discuss the whole sordid business with Luke P. Frustrated and confused, as people who get their news from TMZ often are, Hannah even considered quitting the show. But we can’t have that when Yoplait, Estroven, and Waterpik already purchased ad time. Nevertheless, we’ll witness “the beauty queen’s bottoming-out in Latvia,” which is rapidly becoming one of the most popular activities in Riga.
In more mundane news, Chris has mourned that they just can’t get “traction” this season, what with all the inter-guy drama, Hannah’s dismay at having to pick a husband from this pathetic chorus line, and Bachelor Nation concerned that their president has suggested remaining in office for a third term. Despite things being no different drama-wise from any other season, I recommend they try sandpaper and Velcro.
Anyway, while Cam has gone on to Always Be Cloying elsewhere, Luke P. ain’t going anywhere. He’s the hot sauce to the show’s scrambled eggs, the Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier to every dog show, the O.J. Simpson account to blue-check Twitter. Reality Steve says lesser Luke even makes it to the final three, possibly along with two other of the deadly sins. That hometown date will be fascinating. His family must be just like the one in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Want to know who Steve says will propose to Hannah? Visit here to experience more disappointment than everyone in Arkansas when Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced she’s returning to their state.
Also, Hannah revealed to a magazine that she used Accutane to treat her persistent acne during The Bachelor. Her complexion was so messed up that even Colton looked attractive by comparison.
We begin with recaps of last week, with Luke S. taking his leave, Luke P. confronted by the other guys, and Hannah’s fruitless discussion with that same obtuse bearded clod. Still in Inverness, the guys wonder what Luke’s post-one-on-one fate was. They will be pleased if he is sent packing, especially since he hogs the bathroom.
At the close of their date, Hannah cannot give Luke the rose. She glares at him as she drops it back on the plate like a hot wing without enough sauce. Luke is dumbstruck, which admittedly is not a long distance to travel for him. He pleads with Hannah to consider all they’ve talked about, every little detail, most of which involved Moon Pies, Instagram filters, and all-season tires. But she cannot reconcile her feelings, even though she loves banana Moon Pies. He’s going home tonight.
Luke sighs deeply, his beady eyes brimming. The two hug before he stalks off, reeling with shock and confusion. With Hannah, he’s felt things he never felt before in his entire life, including the bare neck of a woman not his mother. Even his poster of Princess Leia in that metal bikini doesn’t stir him to heights of passion as does Hannah.
“I have tried to be perfect,” Luke informs us, which is what it says in my resume’s skills list. He needs to fight for her. With fire in his belly and probably a little lower as well, he turns heel and comes back to her side.
More mindless blather ensues as her nose drips with tears. He wants to yell, he tells her. He wants to move mountains for her. He knows they failed to communicate today. Maybe they should try signal flags or a Ouija board.
Luke stomps his foot and insists he wants to marry her. Does he even know her middle name or if she likes kettle corn? And where’s episode 5B? I hope it has better lighting than this scene.
Back at the castle, the other guys are draped over the furniture, grumpy over Luke P. and glaring at his waiting suitcase which bears the initials LJP. The J stands for Jackass. Finally, Luke returns to reveal his poor performance evaluation, but assures them he is remaining in the competition.
A distraught Hannah is nevertheless confident in her decision to keep Luke P. around. However, she states, he must toe the line and behave as she demands, or he’s out again. Dr. Joyce Brothers often recommended that tactic for a successful relationship. Meanwhile, a Humira ad reminds us that bachelors should never have flu-like symptoms or sores.
Next Luke heads to the nearest Scottish church to seek God’s help for his problems with Hannah. I hope while he’s at it, he mentions poverty, war, and bedbugs.
On to the Rose Ceremony. Everyone is tense and uncertain as they gather in the room. Hannah arrives clad all in white, like a sexy person responding to a toxic spill. The guys whistle and whoop before she explains how unpleasant this week was for her. They must now focus on the unseen, she demands, which is why her dress is slit to mid-thigh. She wants to hear about their hurts and their fears, because that’s always a riveting topic of conversation with someone you still can’t recognize without a name tag.
Garrett swoops in to grab her first. He agrees that tonight, they should focus on break-ups, deaths of loved ones, and private emails accidentally sent to “reply-all.” Then he brings up Luke, and how he advised him to shut up about the other guys on his one-on-one date. Hannah knows they all hate his ass, she confirms, but when he ignored Garrett’s request and complained to her about Mike, Dylan, and Devin, it was her fault. Garrett is pleased, though, because he fells he and Hannah have a relationship slightly more substantive than cotton candy in the rain.
But Garrett then must confront Luke, who tries to smooth things over. “Nobody believes you!” yells one guy in exasperation. Hearing the bickering from the other room, Hannah is disgusted. She rushes in, eyes flashing and sequined applique glimmering. It’s like that scene from Network, but with Peter Finch as a millennial pageant queen from the state ranked eighth worst in the country for education.
Hannah now takes questions from the floor. She replies defensively to a comment on why other guys’ names always come up during her dates with Luke. Possibly because they have nothing else to talk about aside from pizza toppings and Marvel movies?
The gibbering Luke goes off on a tangent until Hannah gestures at him to zip his lip. “Stay in your freakin’ lane,” she declares angrily to all assembled, then races from the room with heels clattering. As the men continue to argue, Hannah slumps in a darkened room and knocks back some wine. Add some Moody Blues, a set of really big headphones, and a beanbag chair, and she’s me at 16.
Eventually, Hannah returns to let the men know she can handle this without their meddling, thank you. “Focus on yourself, and what I need from you,” she demands. That’s also good advice for the Fantasy Suite. Then she walks out, leaving the group troubled and pouty-faced. Like dogs who’ve been caught digging in the garbage can, they know they misbehaved, but they’ll do it again anyway.
Among them, Tyler is particularly indignant that they are ruining Hannah’s last night in Scotland, not to mention my sixth week of The Bachelorette. Jed is shocked to see that they’ve reached this stage of pettiness and selfishness, despite it being no worse than the average country song. Luke somehow thought a mauve jacket with a contrasting windowpane check was a good idea. Everyone agrees they must treat Hannah better. I think she needs to reconsider that eyebrow shape.
Chris finds Hannah alone and sobbing in a hallway. He hugs her like a grandpa, assuring her that all the guys are crazy about her, so of course they’re eager to enrage and upset her.
Now the Rose Ceremony is set to begin. Hannah arrives with her mascara touched up. The first rose goes to Connor. The next is Tyler’s, followed by Dustin and Peter. Luke grimaces. Dylan and Garrett get the next two roses. Who gets the final one? Chris steps up to utter his 12 contracted words about the situation.
Hannah reaches for the final blossom as tension-building music plays. It’s like the part in Mission: Impossible where Paris pulls off his mask. She awards the rose to Luke. What the hell? Did he show her his dad’s Morgan Stanley statement? So long to Mike, Devin, Kevin and Zeppo.
Hannah bids them goodbye, then squares her shoulders and barks out her conditions for future behavior from the remaining men, which may require basic training and a written test. Chastened, they otherwise arrive happily in Latvia. There they will admire the sights as they muse on how to make Hannah not throw another conniption. It’ll be even harder than making Latvia a popular tourist destination.
Chris and Hannah chat now in what appears to be a Riga Starbucks. They discuss how the remaining relationships evolved over the previous location changes. Maybe being vulnerable and opening up is based on longitude and latitude. Hannah feels that none of the men know who she really is, even though she’s an inch thick and it’s all polyester blend. “I’m trying to stay hopeful,” she tells Chris, but feels very “weighted down.” Maybe ease up on the lip gloss, hon.
She doesn’t want to give her heart to anyone who doesn’t deserve it, she tells Chris with a trembling upper lip. She’s done that in the past, and it blows, man. Yet Chris is optimistic, because they pay him extra for After the Final Rose.
Finally, here’s Chris to the mansion to belabor Hannah’s dilemma while she’s wearing a silver cocktail dress. She didn’t realize how hard this whole journey would be for her, despite it being the 15th damn year of events more predictable than the plot of an EL James novel.
“How did it come to this?” Chris probes. “Stupid drama,” Hannah concludes. It began on the first night of the show with Scott, who admitted having a girlfriend up til the previous week. How dare he trivialize a scripted reality show! Then Cam was all goofy; Luke P. said he loved her far too soon and in public; and the two Lukes had their contentious stand-off that dragged in Mike and others. Also, North Korea tested some missiles.
Hannah feels all her pure intentions were crushed by the writers that last Rose Ceremony night. LA, Rhode Island, Scotland—all were plagued by disaster, although nothing approaching what Hurricane Maria did to Puerto Rico. At least this isn’t as bad as The Dating Game, on which both Arnold Schwarzenegger and an eventual serial killer appeared.
Chris and Hannah go on to review other incidents that were weird, awkward or humiliating, some even more so than when Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to a fight. Those moments includes the horrifying electrodes-simulating-labor-pain group date activity, and the guys’ kilts flipping up during their wrestling matches.
All in all, this interview is less enlightening than the Melania Trump: Woman of Mystery special on CNN, which also addressed regrettable moments in a fake relationship. It’s further exacerbated by that Liberty Mutual ad with the emu.
Chris lets us know that Hannah was thinking she might not continue on the show. It’s the intro to scenes no one has yet seen, which include Mike tearing his pants, a dog eating Jed’s ice cream, and Jonathan making a failed effort at kissing her. In addition, Hannah developed a giant zit she named Marcus. I wonder if any of the guys want to know about that about her.
Now Hannah needs to re-evaluate, as she is worried about investing in a relationship that might not work. “Do you want to continue?” Chris asks rhetorically, since she has a contract. She is going to see this thing through to the end, Hannah asserts. With that resolved, now all we have to do is cure Alzheimer’s and pass effective climate change legislation.
Next some precaps of the rest of the season. How many different types of sequins can Hannah wear? Tyler will give Hannah an erotic massage, and she goes bungee-jumping naked with Garrett. Luke can’t take it. He wants to wait to have sex with Hannah when they’re married. He’s probably still waiting.
Finally, Chris tells Hannah that an unnamed man is ready to propose before she’s chosen anyone. Does that mean he had to pay for his own ring? Nice try, Luke.
