Today marks the first time a sitting U.S. president stood on foreign soil and publicly sided with our adversary over his own intelligence agencies, and also the first time The Bachelorette is in Buffalo, New York for a hometown visit. I don’t know which is worse for Buffalo.
Jason is the fellow from this freezing cold upstate New York City. His local paper, the unconventionally named Buffalo News, is all atwitter at his newfound D-list status. Tourism increased 38 percent when some crew members had breakfast at a local diner. On their date, Becca and Jason will have some wings and probably discuss whether he can open up and be vulnerable to anything hotter than chile ‘n lime sauce.
In other, less national-security-threatening news, Becca will also join Garrett’s family at their farm in California, travel to Colorado to meet Blake’s people, then stay in Colorado to be doubted by Colton’s relations. Garrett’s mom will be concerned that another divorce will bring him closer to Ross Geller status in the community. Blake will share a traumatic event he experienced in high school, which with all the typical hyperbole in this show, will probably be that they ran out early on pizza day at the cafeteria. Queen for a Day was a much more compelling concept for a reality show.
While Jason and Becca don long underwear and Chapstick in Buffalo, Colton, Garrett, and Blake will discuss having names that sound like they belong to old-timey Western movie sheriffs.
We’re off! Becca says she can see a future with all these guys, much as I saw a future with all four of the Grass Roots, although only Rob Grill was a shoo-in for the Fantasy Suite. We start with Garrett in Manteca, CA. Becca greets him with her patented flung-leg waist wrap. Before they meet his family, they’re going to explore the tomato fields, where he teaches Becca to plant the tomatoes automatically, much like the bachelors were cast for this show. After some product placement for tomato planting machines, Becca enthuses about Garrett’s great hair, dark eyes, and broad shoulders. These are qualities that she feels would make him a great dad, as it will compensate if their baby is really ugly.
The two discuss his previous relationship. His ex was very demanding and selfish, while Becca is appealingly shallow and inarticulate. An optimistic Garrett feels he and Becca would “align,” which is why he brought along a spirit level. But will his family approve? It’s extremely important that they co-sign this relationship. Even Prince Andrew didn’t have this much pushback from the Queen when he dated Koo Stark.
The two head to Garrett’s parents’ house. His mom and dad look like Bill and Hillary Clinton, only without the pantsuit or Chelsea. They welcome Becca warmly before Garrett goes off to speak with his sister. They can’t even wait til dinner is over. Garrett raves about Becca, who makes him smile. Sis is pleased, but concerned. She cites his divorce as groundbreaking evidence that not all relationships work out. Dad also comments on the apparent rareness of divorce in 2018. Mom doubles-down by revisiting the grief that accompanied the big break-up, and mourns how Garrett has only recently found peace post-divorce court. Are these people human swans?
Becca tries to reassure Mom by explaining how cute Garrett was when he brought baby toys and a mini-van to their first introduction. Most people would find that creepy, but go know with this crowd. She also feels she and Garrett connect over their shared experience of being dumped, although according to Garrett’s recollection, he was the dumper. Nobody seems to care that the ex was hurt, too, but ABC didn’t cast her in anything.
Mom asks Garrett about his feelings for Becca. He tells her he felt the chemistry immediately, which Mom fails to explain was the tight dress talking. It’s weird how they all keep comparing his failed relationship to this one, as if Garrett had an accident in a Kia Sorento and Becca is a Sedona. But Becca comes away with a good feeling, probably because she drives an American car.
Off to Buffalo, a very meaningful place that formed Jason, so is presumably responsible for that haircut. There are so many things that make the city special, starting with its storied chicken wings. New York City only has the Statue of Liberty and pastrami. Then they head to the hockey ring. Jason loves hockey. As they skate along, he compares team dynamics to romantic relationships. Both can be too cold to be a pleasant experience, and both may involve violent fights. Their kiss is tender and passionate. Becca loves Jason’s kisses. His lips are soft from being hit with a puck so many times.
Time to meet the Jason clan. They live in a normal old house, which is promising unless it was just a good rental deal for the shoot. There are the parents, two brothers and a husband. They all know he guards his heart like a goalie does his face. Mom initially approves of Becca, citing how happy Jason seems. Dad tells Jason that he was impressed by how in love the couple seems, but he worries about her tearing the goalie mask off his heart. Dad is nevertheless confident that Jason will make the right decision, which is to write a blog for People magazine and get cast as the host of a Food Network baking competition.
Mom asks Becca if she is ready to get engaged so soon again. Although Arie destroyed her very essence with his cavalier rejection, she wants a partner and kids and credit card debt. Mom asks bluntly if Jason is the one, but Becca demurs. Nevertheless, Mom tells Jason that she finds Becca smart and beautiful, but could not read her feelings or, evidently, the script. Jason appreciates her protectiveness. He then discusses the whole boring deal with his brother and brother-in-law, who advise him to act now on this special offer while supplies last.
Jason exhorts his love for Becca, and ties this revelation with a bow of slobbery kisses. They part as he declares the desire to spend the rest of his life with her. His acting teacher advised him to think of Becca as a new hockey stick.
Next we go to Bailey, CO to meet Blake’s kith and kin. She rushes to wrap her knees around his hips, too. I’m starting to wonder if she greets the postman with that move. Becca admits privately that she’s feeling strongly about Blake, but hasn’t told him. I did the same thing with Jeff Grossbart in ninth grade. They go off to visit his high school, where the mysterious, life-altering event occurred. Blake shows her his picture is on the Wall of Fame for football players, which should also be added to the Wall of Fame for geeky twerps. They pause to make out in a classroom, then meet up with his coach and some teachers, who took time away from grading papers for this chazerai.
Blake reminds Becca about how his parents’ divorce affected him, and adds that there is something else important he must reveal. When he was a student here, where his mom taught and his sister was also a student, there was a school shooting that resulted in the death of a classmate. This tragedy made him think differently about life, as it would anyone not on the NRA’s board of directors.
Becca thanks him for sharing this moving story. She believes the experience was integral to making him the strong, beautiful human being he is today, along with regular gym visits. Then te mood abruptly switches to upbeat as they attend a Betty Who concert in the auditorium. She’s the sister of the guy who’s on first.
They next arrive at Blake’s family’s home, where dinner is already on the table. Maybe serving cold food is some Coloradoan custom. Blake’s mom’s hair looks like 1980’s Linda Ronstadt with a dew point of 69 degrees. She is happy for Blake, but worries his heart could be broken. No one ever worries that Becca’s a Scientologist or addicted to opioids. Blake’s convo with his dad convo is even duller. Come on, writers, make it interesting. Have some family member ask how she feels about abortion.
Mom questions Becca about her readiness to get engaged again so soon. She discusses how Blake had a horrible break-up, too, which broke her heart to witness. She was worried he would give up on love, yet now she’s saying he shouldn’t bother trying since Becca might bail on him. It’s like people who complain that Peter Strzok isn’t impartial, but want to fire Rod Rosenstein because he is impartial. Blake and Becca are pleased with the outcome nevertheless, and part lovingly.
Finally, we will meet Colton’s folks. Do they know he’s a virgin? Does his doctor know? Do men tell their doctors that kind of thing? What if the doctor is also a virgin and can’t advise? Did Masters and Johnson research all this?
Parker, CO is a quaint midwestern town with a charming downtown, lush green spaces, and legal marijuana sales. Becca recalls for us how Colton dating Tia was originally an issue for her, but since then she has grown to care for him and his chastity. Probably she’s not feeling so welcoming toward Tia, though. They go to visit some kids in the hospital, where Colton takes great joy in helping out. Aw, that’s so sweet. Better a kindly virgin than a jerk who’s slept around. That was on a fortune cookie I got once.
Becca expresses her concerns about Colton not having ever been in a serious relationship. She doesn’t want to be the test drive for a man who doesn’t know how to handle a stickshift, but come on, he has to start somewhere. Maybe he can introduce her to some football plays she’s never tried. Her repeated concerns that Colton hasn’t got enough experience to guide him makes me wonder what her own body count is.
She and Colton go to meet Mom, Dad, three brothers, some sisters, assorted cousins, aunts and uncles, their accountant, and the mayor of Parker. Dad discusses the issues of this type of relationship, described clinically as nonsense contrived purely for money. He makes some good points, but to be fair, so could my any of those kids at the hospital. Dad then questions Becca about the Tia issue. No wonder the guy is a virgin with these nosy helicopter parents. If she does not care for his son as much as he does for her, Dad warns sternly, Becca should step off. Dad is very masterful. Maybe he can replace John Kelly as Chief of Staff.
Meanwhile, Mom talks with Colton, who says that he told Becca about his extremely bored penis. He felt it was proper to disclose this information before they wasted the Fantasy Suite. Mom questions whether he’s had enough time to make a decision. “I love her,” Colton says with ardor. Mom is shocked, but is also glad he can be open and vulnerable, even if his fly remains closed and circumspect. Becca expresses her fears to Mom about Colton’s lack of bones-jumping experience, while Mom acknowledges that she and the persn who came out of her uterus prefer to talk about mowing the lawn and whether Anderson Cooper would look better with wire-rim frames. She does think he’s ready to take the next step in his relationship with Becca, which I hope is to buy condoms.
Pre-caps show Colton will confide in Chris Harrison about his genitals’ new car smell. Hasn’t this guy ever seen porn? Or maybe read a Rosemary Rogers novel or two. That’s more than enough of a warm-up routine.
Anyway, Becca declares that at this point, she is thrilled with all four men and can see a future with any of them. Meanwhile, I’ve been in love with only three people in my entire life, and one was Race Bannon. Now Becca meets with her Arie season gal pals to review the options. They squeal and giggle encouragingly as she describes each guy as being sweet, open, and vulnerable. Tia looks nervous when Becca mentions Colton, and asks to talk privately with her friend. She should ask her to recommend a less Muppet-like style of fake eyelash. Tia still has feelings for Colton, she admits, so much so that she is physically ill that Becca might choose him. Visibly distressed, Becca assures Tia that she sincerely wants all of them to find love, but Colton is her man, bitch.
A reflective Becca needs to be alone to think about this thorny development. Mournful piano music plays as the wind whips her hair and she picks at her nail polish, lost in thought about whether a virgin would have even Googled the G-spot. She is frustrated and angry at this dilemma. I suggest resolving it by wrestling in Jello for Colton on live TV.
Time for the Rose Ceremony. Becca is still concerned about her friendship with Tia, but she chooses to trust her gut, along with using a probiotic. The men begin to assemble for the big moment, each anxiously fearing rejection and one less paycheck from ABC. But first, Colton asks to talk alone with Chris Harrison. He asks the man what the “expectations” are for the Fantasy Suite. Chris recommends he check out some Dr. Ruth YouTubes.
At the ceremony, Becca blathers on about this difficult decision and following her heart and how she got this black sequinned number on eBay for like half the original price. The first rose goes to Blake; the second is for Jason. Tension reaches an acme as the final rose awaits, and the intel community scrambles to build an impenetrable firewall before November. It goes to Garrett. Tia is free to deflower Colton.
Becca walks Colton out, murmuring her regret at the pain she is causing him. While she knows she made the right decision, it was still difficult, like only having enough cash to buy Little Debbies instead of Sara Lee. Colton is heartbroken that his love was not returned, and his status as a virgin remains unchanged. Log into Amazon and check out the bodice-rippers, hon. You’ll feel better.
The remaining guys are off to Thailand with Becca. I hope they don’t explore any caves. There the guys will get rejected, there will be bitter recriminations, and Becca will cry alone in her hotel room. Chris says it’s all coming up next week, along with your dinner.