Drama, drama, everywhere, yet not a stop to think. Reality Steve has revealed which of the guys Becca decided on. If you don’t want to know, go to the next paragraph. If you do, because you’re dissatisfied with your lot in life enough to be watching The Bachelorette, here’s a hint: His name rhymes with an orange-hued root vegetable, and his personality resembles one.
If this engagement fails—and it will, because relationships formed on this show are about as solid as mayonnaise-free cole slaw—Becca should hire a matchmaker. With Arie, she’s two-for-two in falling for sentient produce with difficult-to-spell last names.
This week, in Las Vegas, where what happens stays on Hulu, Becca will endure a two-on-one date with Jordan and David. Naturally, she is forced to share time with the two emotional infants who are already at loggerheads over who’s going to have more cosmetic surgery, although David’s won’t be elective. He might have an edge at getting the rose, though, if she doesn’t remember his stupid chicken suit, or is secretly a furry.
Meanwhile, we’ll see more accusations of bad behavior than in a Law & Order marathon, and Jordan will continue to make comments influenced by repeated exposure to Republicans’ Yelp reviews of The Red Hen. If he’s sent home, he can get work as a supervillain’s henchman on any of the dozen superhero movies in development.
I forget who everyone else is, so we’ll see as we go. Just be glad I’m not a teacher, or I’d be calling the first-graders “that kid with the weird hair” or “the short one who wore a chicken suit to the first day of school.”
Welcome to fabulous Las Vegas! I was there once, and I hated it. So garish and tacky and—oh, right, I watch this show, so who I am to criticize. Tonight the stakes are high, and probably so is Leo, as the guys arrive in the neon-lit city full of storied casinos, hotels, and all-you-can-eat buffets where you can help yourself to an entire bowl of bacon. The views from their palatial duplex suite are spectacular. You can see as far as the Sister Wives’ houses. Becca joins the men to pop open some domestic champagne and celebrate the coming week’s attempts at opening up and vulnerability.
The first date card arrives for Colton. He wants to share quality time with Becca with no distractions, like the phantom memory of Tia or the fact that he’s a former pro football player with no visible means of income. They ride camels into the desert. Colton tries to reach for Becca’s hand across the saddles’ distance, but her camel moves ahead. I’ve heard camels are very wise. It’s the humps.
Colton is proud of how they got past the obstacle of Tia’s existence in this physical plane, and now are making out in a hot tub in the Nevada desert. It’s similar to Catherine and Heathcliff’s romance. As the evening part of the date arrives, Becca is enthusiastic about Colton and their camel connection. As he also praises the experience, he comments that in his previous relationships, he said “I love you,” but received no reply. She later dumped him, probably because he doesn’t shave often enough.
“The word ‘love’ means so much to me because it’s only happened to me once,” Colton tells Becca. That’s how I feel about winning the Scratch 4. She is moved by the pain in his voice, but I think that’s just indigestion.
The group date card arrives at the suite. It includes everyone but David and Jordan, who openly relish the prospect of sending the other home on the two-on-one. Becca be damned, this is war!
Colton continues to go on about the meaning of the word “love.” He’s as much fun on a date as Roget. Moved by his commitment to staying on the show another week, Becca hands over the rose. He is reassured, pronouncing this moment the pinnacle of their relationship. “Pinnacle” is on page 294 of his paperback thesaurus. They make out in front of the famous “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign, which has witnessed more meaningless sex than Ron Jeremy’s talent agent.
Next day, the guys Hummer it over to their date. It’s at Wayne Newton’s house. I guess all those America’s Got Talent acts are edging him out of the good-paying gigs. Wayne himself rides up on a horse, looking like an animated display at Madame Tussaud’s. He shows them around his personal museum of memorabilia, then explains the deep meaning of his signature song Danke Schoen.
Wayne demos how to portray love in your performance by singing to his wife, who’s got to be 30 years younger, but has also had too much work done. Love means never having to say “your jowls are sagging.” Now the guys must write their own love songs to Becca, but in English and certainly less coherently.
Meanwhile, Jordan and David plot their strategies for their date, stopping short of creating charts. The golden underpants may factor in. I hope Jordan laundered them.
As the guys struggle to put pen to paper when it’s not to solve a Junior Jumble, Wayne comes by to assist. He is impressed with their ability to rhyme, which probably arises from their knowledge of dirty limericks. But then they learn they must each perform their own magnum opus before a live audience. Who’s more terrified, the guys or the people who don’t drink? Wayne Newton probably doesn’t have to be there. I hope his horse can stay home, too.
Jason goes on stage first. The keyboardist cringes as he is worse than a koala bear with bronchitis, and not nearly as cute. No one else is any better. But Becca thinks it’s sweet, because her standards are lower than my dog’s for what to eat out of the trash can. Last to sing, Chris puts on a bravura performance that would surely only be gonged by Chuck Barris very late into the bit.
Becca feels so many connections with the guys as they head to the after-party. They melted her heart, and her ear drums, with their love songs. She goes off with, I think, Garrett. Or Blake? Indistinguishable, as is their conversation from all the varieties of cereal in aisle three. Meanwhile, Jordan and David argue about competing for Becca. Colton warns them not to make the experience a cage match instead of a date. He is as wise as a camel, but one with only a single hump.
Okay, now it’s Blake with Becca. He tells her he is falling in love with her. She likes hearing that. “I’m the happiest girl in the world,” she sighs, unaware that Kim Kardashian is going to be on Family Feud. She is falling in love with Blake, too. Time to present the rose. Blake is the recipient, which baffles Chris. He thought his song was the best.
Chris is shocked and embarrassed, not by his throttling of a musical number on national TV, but because he is convinced he is going home. If Becca’s not into him, he says decisively, to hell with her. It’s a line of thinking hasn’t worked well in his job interviews. In fact, he is considering just leaving on his own right now. That’ll show her.
Next day, the guys discuss how horribly the two-on-one will go. David is convinced he will prevail. Jordan will give Becca his all, which means ignoring the fact that David cannot accept his realness. They meet Becca in the Valley of Fire, a metaphor is fine as any in Dickens. Hopeful for their date to not devolve into a fistfight, she drives them to the location in a Jeep that appears to have no shock absorbers.
The three sit together under a chuppah in the desert. The awkward silence is deafening. David babbles to fill it, until Becca asks to walk off with him alone. She is determined to learn if one, both, or neither should continue with her. David doesn’t start off well. He immediately starts to bitch about Jordan, describing the model’s shallowness and shameless lust for other girls. At least he’s straight, which I was doubting. David also tells Becca that Jordan plans to “settle” for her in exchange for a higher Q-score. That triggers her because she remembers Lauren telling her that Arie was just settling for her. Arie, Arie, Arie. Will she never recover from him? Perhaps she should form a support group with the women from Chris Soule’s season. They can call it the Debbie Reynolds Club.
David thinks he has put the issue of Jordan to bed. However, Becca rushes to tell Jordan what David just accused him of. Jordan appears shocked right down to his golden briefs. He calls David a liar hellbent to debase his integrity. She points out that all of the guys agree he’s as deep as his chest hair. Also, she already knows he’s superficial because he flaunts his underwear instead of discussing vulnerability, although that gold fabric doesn’t provide much protection.
Jordan insists he will show her he’s substantive and caring. He explains how he witnessed his dad showing great devotion to his mentally ill mom. That has to be a worse trigger for Becca: “I’m not settling for you. I truly want to get you medicated.”
Angry and confused at what David told Becca,, Jordan then confronts his rival, and calls him a little bitch rat-ass. I have to use that some time. “Being me is my greatest power,” Jordan yells, invoking God’s approval of this status. David doesn’t have that power, apparently because he’s he. David remains calm. After all, his nose is already broken.
Now Becca joins them, expressing her frustration with the day’s developments. The men fight over who said what and how awful it was. Becca has no patience for the bickering. As she stomps away in her short-shorts, David and Jordan continue to go at each other like two dogs battling over a bone. Dollars to donuts, they end up together.
Becca returns, still upset. She still has so many questions, but feels one of them was at least honest with her. She sends David home, but does not feel ready to give the rose to Jordan even though he revealed his deepest emotions about himself, and was genuine in insisting he’s better than anyone else. If this weren’t scripted, I’d say the mental health issue was a legitimate consideration for her.
Jordan and Becca arrive for the evening part of their date. Becca accepts his behavior today, insisting he was just defending his character, which was outlined in advance by the writers. Jordan bitches some more about David and his insidious plot to destroy him. He goes on to describe himself as not a typical model, as he is also into personal grooming and health. He demonstrates magazine poses, and expresses a desire to show Becca his portfolio. Finally, she notices he is so self-involved and vain that it would embarrass Narcissus. Becca is not very bright.
Jordan is busy believing Becca has forgotten all of today’s distasteful events. However, she ultimately denies him the rose. She explains that their relationship does not compare favorably with all the others, or even the one she has with the FedEx guy. Jordan is confused. He should have shown her what’s under the gold underwear. He leaves, comforting himself in the knowledge that David was ditched first. He’ll probably add that to his resume.
It’s now time for the cocktail party. Ten guys remain to be considered for roses. Chris realizes how much he values his time with Becca, and wants dearly to clarify his feelings for her. Fortunately, Becca invites him to talk first. She wants to know about his comments to the others guys that he might not want to be there. No mention of right or wrong reasons.
Chris reveals he was shocked not to have time with her during the group date after-party. She didn’t like that he didn’t take the initiative to make that happen. He confirms that he wants to be here. She sees no evidence that he is truly interested in her. Before she can decide anything, she must process all the information she just received, which consists of a paragraph interspersed with a lot of “I mean’s.” This is all more boring than Chris Harrison’s LinkedIn account.
Chris is taken aback by her doubts. If he had wanted to leave, he informs us, he would have done so already. Why does she reject his explanation? Let’s recall that she gave Jordan the benefit of the doubt. Chris is resolved to take action. He interrupts Wills and Becca, which I approve of because that suit Wills is wearing should be kept off-screen as long as possible. After a very brief encounter, though, Wills returns to reclaim his time. They argue, and things get tense, while Becca watches silently. Does she expect one of them to call for pistols at dawn?
Then Becca soothes the scene by offering to come find Chris after a few minutes with Wills and his suit made from a picnic basket lining. He stalks off as Wills takes his rightful place beside her. When he returns to the group, he and Chris spar over comparable lengths of time with Becca, and whether or not anyone was disrespected at any point. The others chime in, too, making for a scene as gripping as watching a turtle turn around.
Finally, Chris gets to tell Becca he’s falling for her. She wants to know why he was ready to take off on his own. Get over yourself, missy. He pleads with her to believe that he cares for her, and wants to pursue their relationship. This theme is repeated more often than a buoy’s bell during a storm at sea, but sounds far less compelling.
The guys troop into the Rose Ceremony. They wonder about Chris’s chances, as does he. The first flower goes to Garrett, followed by Jason and Wills. Next come Lincoln, Leo, and Connor. The final rose remains. Chris Harrison says 12 words before they continue, the proceeds of which he invests in tech stocks. After a lot of suspenseful music, the rose goes to Chris. John is going home, as if anyone would notice.
Next week they all go to Richmond, VA. The travel budget is not very impressive this season. Then again, neither are the contestants.
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