The Bachelorette – Season 11 Premiere, Part 2- Live Blog

Part 2 of the premiere should lead off with our learning whether Britt or Kaitlyn has been anointed this season’s Bachelorette, but I will bet my Honda’s new exhaust system that they drag out the announcement until two-thirds of the way through the show. The journey to love has a lot of rest stops. Also, my car made a horrible racket til I got it to the mechanic.

We do know—and by “we,” I mean people who take time out from their day to read articles about this kind of thing—that the chosen one will have to recover quickly from the excitement of learning she won’t have to find the receipts to return all those extra gowns. She’ll have the immediate task of attending yet another cocktail party so she can winnow out the men to reject at the Rose Ceremony coming up later. Indeed.com recently added a section for this skill for your on-site resume.

But wait, there’s more. Some new sticky widgets have been thrown into the usual tawdry mix. The new bachelorette must contend with the fact that any number of the men voted for her rival, which is kind of like marrying a guy who used to date your sister. The men have to consider whether they’ll actually reveal who they voted for, risking rose-withholding or a tantrum, if it’s Britt. They also have to decide if they want to stay on, enjoying free liquor, meals, and luxury accommodations, if the crowned bachelorette is not the one they preferred. These thorny questions would confound Spinoza.

Once they have their men sorted out that way, how would the two gals separate the over-muscled wheat from the spray-tanned chaff? Kaitlyn wants her potential mate to want kids and be a generous tipper, while Britt is attracted to kindness and the desire to crack open a book every so often. That last one should send a number of the candidates to the “con” column.

After recaps of last night, during which Chris describes the guys as “25 of the most eligible men in America,” which is the worst insult to our country’s dignity since WebUndies.com started selling the American flag boxer brief, we open on the scene at the house. The guys are all atwitter as they wait for the results of the vote with the rest of the nation waiting for the DWTS finale to begin.

“My husband is in that room,” Kaitlyn breathes anxiously. Too bad he’s one of the boom mike guys.

Next we see Chris stride manfully over to where Britt is sitting alone, worrying whether her gown is machine-washable. She is not the Bachelorette, he informs her mournfully, as if it were a cancer diagnosis. Crestfallen, she makes a duckface. The vote was very close, Chris assures her; as many as 14 weirdos, losers, and layabouts were really into her. She is escorted to the limo as the tinkly piano music of rejection plays. She cries that it’s so hard to meet men for whom she can feel that connection without the aid of a casting director. She’s confused and tired and has so much love to give. The End.

Chris then approaches Kaitlyn. He tries the “I’m sorry, but” bluff that people always fall for. When she realizes she’s won, she bursts into half-laughter, half-tears before asking about poor defeated Britt’s condition. Even in her time of joy, she recalls the pain of others.

“You can say you’re The Bachelorette,” Chris says. She is 0verwhelmed. He’ll leave her alone to process this whole thing before they go inside for the Rose Ceremony. The monumental responsibility of her new position dumbfounds her, so she needs a moment. How do these people handle actual trauma, you have to wonder.

Kaitlyn uses the time to call her mom with the transcendent news. Every mother is thrilled to learn that her daughter will be group-dating a bunch of strangers someone found on the internet.  Then Chris reintroduces her to the men, who leap to their feet, applauding. Some look disappointed, many are pleased, most are just vacuous. Kaitlyn giggles a statement.

Ian says he’s the most excited, and he rushes to talk with her first. He is delightful. He went to Princeton, you know. The welder guy butts in and gives her a metal rose he made. That’s very nice, but it’s no Ivy League education.

Chris brings in the First Impression Rose. Kaitlyn is flummoxed yet again. Choosing the right guy is so challenging, like learning an enterprise business application or successfully excising a brain tumor.

Kupah compliments Kaitlyn on letting down her guard. Jonathan is worried because he was a Britt fan. Tony is deeply upset because his heart resonated with Britt. Where does it leave him now, he wonders. “There’s only one drinking fountain, and we’re all standing in line,” he muses. Every woman appreciates being compared to something you can get on sale at the office supply center.

Jared admits to Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, a confession for which she is grateful. But he’s happy to be here, he assures her, since free food. Brady is unhappy, though, since he and Britt were getting along so well. He stares pensively at the coffee table, pondering how to address this insurmountable issue.

Kaitlyn wants to straighten out things with the Britt-favorers, which essentially means she wants to ferret them out and tell them Britt never showers so there will be enough guys to carry the show through all the allotted episodes.

JJ confronts Kaitlyn about how she feels about a guy who has a 3-year-old kid “that’s not your own.” Is he sure it’s his own? She loooves it! It means he’s mature, having gotten divorced or knocked someone up and not married them or whatever.  He used his sperm, is what’s special. The dentist, Chris, she declares cute after he feverishly explains that he had to hold back before, but now he can go for it because they’re alone except for the crew and the cameramen. He goes in for the kiss. The others rush back to report on this bold strategy.

Shawn E. assures her that all the guys want her here. Too bad his hairstyle is not wanted anywhere. Now she picks up the First Impression Rose, to the guy’s whoops and hollers. She brings Shawn E. outside and gives it to him. They kiss, which she describes as being like your first one in elementary school, all butterflies and ooh. The poor dentist probably was too easy with the tongue.

Time for the Rose Ceremony. Everyone is nervous with sweaty palms and smelly armpits. She makes a typical speech–she’s been there, it’s worth it, there’s booze afterwards, blah blah blah–and starts dispensing flowers. All the guys are angry that some people who voted for Britt are getting roses. Come on, Kaitlyn can’t know which ones, and Kupah is cute. On the other hand, she gives Tony a rose, so she’s obviously mentally impaired. Meanwhile, the lovely Ian waits apprehensively. He went to Princeton, you fool!

Suddenly, Brady steps forward and asks to talk to her. Ah, he will confess to loving Britt, and that remaining here is a charade, a pretense, counterfeit. Indeed, he does exactly this, only using simpler words, and leaves the show to become known in the tabloids as Bridy. So we’re down to 23 even before the first Rose Ceremony is over.

The other guys wait it out nervously, conjecturing about what is afoot, until Kaitlyn returns to explain that Brady jumped ship. She resumes handing out roses. Ian is still waiting–it’s preposterous! Finally he gets one. I mean really, after Daniel? Who the hell is he?

As the last one is lifted, Jared worries desperately that he erred in admitting his vote for Britt. Then his name is called, and his relief is palpable. It’ll be okay that he sublet his apartment for those extra weeks. After the losers disappear into oblivion, the others step forward to genuflect before Kaitlyn and toast future dramatic highlights. I don’t notice any clips with Ian, but we will get to see the guys sumo wrestle. Also, Nick from Andi’s season appears. I never noticed before how much he resembles Harpo Marx. Finally, Kaitlyn cries after making the apparent error of having sex with someone pre-Fantasy Suite.

Ian doesn’t approve.

About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.