What more matters than that it’s Fantasy Suite night? Kaitlyn, Whitney, and Becca are the remaining desperate-enough women with whom Chris has the option to hit the high-thread-count sheets. The man’s tongue has been down more throats than an ENT doctor’s speculum this season, so it’s unlikely he’ll refuse any of them a shot at painting his silo.
Chris and the gals are in Bali tonight, where one date will include exploring a temple and participating in a “traditional Balinese ritual,” which is probably not a celebration of chastity. Other dates involve a “sensual” boat ride on the Indian Ocean, and a visit to a Balinese medicine man who is probably more reliable than Dr. Oz.
All three women arrive at this episode with different, equally toothless issues designed to try to prevent us from guessing who wins. Kaitlyn has been too reserved about her true feelings for Chris, despite her presence on the show being something of an indicator that she’s game for anything. Whitney has that ferbisseneh older sister selfishly suggesting that she doesn’t like the idea of a brother-in-law who has recently dated 30 women at once. Then there’s Becca, who just can’t bring herself to reveal the secret of her intact maidenhood to anyone but her extended family, the producers, and the entire viewing audience.
How will Chris handle these conveniently diverse for exposition, yet not particularly complex outside of a romance comic obstacles to lasting love? His heart may tell him to be cautious, but another organ recommends blithely shtupping all three in sequence to find out which one can provide the most body warmth during an Iowa winter.
Only a trip to a popular resort in Bali can provide the solution. The precap suggests Chris sends Becca home just before the Rose Ceremony begins, but we know better than to buy that amateur attempt to undermine Celeb Dirty Laundry’s reports.
Chris is impressed with Bali, admiring all the ancient temples, ornate parades, and pretty places to make out. He would even come back here for his honeymoon, he suggests, after referring to the literature supplied by the Bali Tourism Board.
His first date is with Kaitlyn. She’s the type of person he could see in his life, possibly because she has strong, cow-milking hands. They’re going to the temple, where he warns her they can’t kiss. This is a concern since that’s basically all they do together. She is pleased that she couldn’t stop thinking about him when they were apart, which she believes indicates her strong feelings for him. Or it means that he gave her a cold sore.
Chris declares the temple a “very spiritual place,” much like a shopping mall is a “very capitalist place.” Meanwhile, Kaitlyn finds the temple very romantic, although it’s outside her comfort zone. That basket she had to carry on her head must have been unusually heavy.
Back outside, they enjoy communing with the Balinese people and yokking it up with them. They’re all smiling because they hope to be paid as extras. When a monkey approaches the couple in the street, Kaitlyn cries, “Is this real?” It’s not every day you see a monkey crossing the street, she points out. In Iowa, it’s only chickens.
Monkeys proceed to climb all over Chris, taking bananas from his hand and peeing on him. They’ve been reading reviews of the show. Kaitlyn is influenced by the creatures’ admirable ability to take what they want without fear. In fact, one of these monkeys is the author of The Art of the Banana Deal.
Next they find a place to make out without angering any gods. Chris mentions that Kaitlyn seemed nervous earlier. She tells him she thought the hometown visit went really well. Her family loved Chris. Like, they were blown away. Like, really, like she was so happy. Despite a preponderance of saliva being exchanged, she knows she must talk with him about her deepest feelings.
That night, they go to dinner without the benefit of any wildlife mentors. Chris notices she’s shaking. She admits she’s nervous; it’s a “huge” week for them. She doesn’t want to have her guard up, she tells him, but she has a “weird” fear of loss from her last relationship. Or maybe from watching 18 previous seasons of this show. Nevertheless, she’s excited despite her terror. He is vulnerable, too, he says, so it’s okay to feel that way. She has to put herself out there like he has. Especially with his tongue.
More kissing follows. They must do lip exercises to stay limber. Chris feels it was a great day, and he doesn’t want the night to end, so he offers her The Envelope with the key to the Fantasy Suite. She can’t imagine saying no to it. “We deserve this,” pants Chris in agreement. She’s not shaking anymore, she points out to him. So maybe it was just caused by her vibrator batteries dying.
The suite is lovely, with a bathtub full of rose petals arranged in a heart shape, and an inviting canopy bed. Still, she feels pressure to tell Chris the words she wants to say besides “like.” She tells him she has opened up to him more than to anyone else. She is completely falling in love with him. He grins smugly.
“I am falling in love with you as well,” he murmurs as if dictating a farmland investment report. He’s “excited about what we potentially have moving forward.” Sign it “Yours very sincerely, Mr. C. Soules,” and send it to the client before your lunch break, Miss Hathaway. The shades are drawn as clouds scud across the Balinese moon and the monkeys hand each other cigars.
Next, Chris will be spending time with Whitney. He worries whether she can see herself in Arlington now that he’s aware of how much her high-powered nursing job in big-city Chicago means to her. Also now that he’s aware of exactly how grating her voice is when exposed to it for an extended period. They board a boat where a picnic awaits.
She’s thrilled to continue their love story with this adventure, but at the same time, she is bummed about her downer of a sister. Sailing on the ocean as the helicopter full of camera people tracks them, they snuggle and make out instead of admiring the scenery. Whitney wants to live in the moment and just enjoy her time with Chris, but she also needs to explain about her sister. Whitney loves Kimberly and knows she is just being protective, but the fact that she’s an attorney makes her always prepared for the worst, like the record of successful marriages on this show. Chris respects that Kim was being honest, if bitchy. He reassures Whitney that he still wants to make out with her.
He proposes they jump into the water. They only go in for about 20 seconds because the money shot is seeing her in a bikini poised on the prow. The ship’s captain agrees with a thumbs-up.
That night they go for dinner. “Sow byooteeful,” Whitney shrills, obviously also influenced by the monkeys. Chris knows he must address the issue of her career. He opens by saying how hopeful he is for their future, and she tells him how awful it was to be separated from him until she got to Bali. He wonders if she has any concerns about the small town she would come to live in with him. She never saw it, she says, and he emphasizes, “It’s small.” Des Moines is three hours away; Chicago much further. He spends his free time hanging around at home, polishing his collection of skin suits.
She assures him that she worked hard to get where she is, but since she has always wanted to be a wife and a mom, she would gladly leave her career to do that. Somewhere Gloria Steinem is popping some Xanax. “Life takes you places, but it’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with,” Whitney announces. In this case, she’ll be with a lot of hogs.
That’s good enough for Chris. He’s falling in love with her, too. Out comes The Envelope. “Thenk yew,” Whitney says with delight. She’s thought a lot about this moment, but asks what he thinks. As if we all didn’t know. Yes, he wants to “take things to the next level,” meaning removing the next layer of clothing. She agrees, claiming that after tonight, their relationship has gotten deeper and stronger. That’s also what she’ll be yelling inside the Fantasy Suite.
A new day, and Becca has arrived in Bali. Chris meets her happily as her voiceover reminds us that SHE HAS NEVER EVER HAD SEX BEFORE, EVER. They stroll through the village and make out in the fields. After horsing around with some native children, they visit yet another temple, where some suspiciously happy spiritual advisers invite the couple to ask questions. “Are we meant to be together?” Chris asks. They think yes, and also that Chris will be a good parent. Becca’s biggest issue, they determine, is that she’s hard to control, which bodes well for the Fantasy Suite. They also advise making love on their date tonight. With speaking parts, these guys get paid scale.
It’s important for Chris to feel that Becca is falling in love with him. Before a babbling brook, they discuss their relationship, which sounds like it’s in exactly the same condition as the other two relationships. But Becca still has not mentioned the Big V. They spend the rest of the time kissing in the brook, on the grass, in front of ruins.
Finally, night falls, and Becca’s announcement cannot be delayed any longer. With all the procrastinating, it’s no wonder she’s still a virgin. She tells him how great the hometown visit was, how their separation was hard, and that today reaffirmed her feelings. Chris loves who Becca is, and envisions a future with her. But since she has never been in love before, he is concerned that maybe she doesn’t how to be. It’s not like computer programming, Chris.
She drones on about the importance of finding the right person and having been cautious up til now. Chris sighs at her inanity. She also feels she would have to be really sure about him before she moved to Arlington. She doesn’t mention having to be really sure about farming, too. She thinks what she feels now is falling in love, though. Chris is a little more certain about the love part, and is ready to start moving beyond the kissing stage.
He pulls out The Envelope. Tense music plays. Becca is fraught with indecision. “There’s temptation in there,” she acknowledges of the Fantasy Suite, likely having heard stories of people who shared a bed having sex. Should she agree to lose her virginity to a guy she’s not sure she’s in love with on national television? It’s such a difficult decision.
So now Becca must have the conversation about her untouched ladyparts. She worries that the revelation may be a dealbreaker for Chris, which you would think would make the decision about whether to sleep with him a lot easier. She wants the time alone with him, she starts. He agrees, never one to turn down an opportunity to stick some part of his anatomy inside a woman’s orifice. After some kissing, she apparently consents to spending the night together, as we see them they head for the suite.
Apparently unalerted by the prolonged presence of the cameras, Chris sips champagne with Becca before she says, “So!” She continues, going on about not having been in love before, but now she feels she is, so she must share something very important. “It’s a big part of who I am,” she says.
Chris looks unnerved. Is she a Scientologist? Was she a born a man? Does she sell Amway? “I. . .am a virgin,” she states. He sighs and nods, then grins. “It’s never easy to respond to that,” he says, suggesting he has deflowered endless numbers of girls. But of course, he’s more interested in making this relationship work than in being bummed that she won’t swing from the chandeliers tonight. Off they go to help her find her G-spot. Or not, they’ll never tell.
Next day, Chris thinks it went great! Becca has everything a man could want, he says–but he feels more confused than ever on where she stands. Meanwhile, Becca walks moodily along the beach, giving lie to my grandmother’s insistence that you can tell when an unmarried girl has lost her virginity just by looking at her. Chris has so many questions. Did she fake her orgasm on the first try? No, it’s the Arlington thing. He’s not convinced Becca would really want to move there and face an endless series of indistinguishable days serving as a colorless hausfrau with no intellectual or social stimuli like the other two insist they do. He’s so full of emotion, it calls for plinky piano music as he ruminates by the resort’s luxury pool.
He consults Chris Harrison, a Harvard-trained therapist. “I’m struggling to know what the right answer is,” Chris S. says. Chris H. replies, “Are you hesitant to commit to one because there are three still?” The monkey could have given better advice. Chris H. can see the emotional turmoil in Chris S., and sees that he doesn’t know who he will send home. Thus the mystery of the ending is successfully maintained, and Chris H. earns another paycheck.
Chris H. mentions the Virgin Thing. Chris S. waves away any problems there, since guys needs to be assured about that. But he can also see a great sex life with Kaitlyn–her type is hard to find–and he’s also falling in love with Whitney. He should know for sure next week, in time for the finale. Chris gazes pensively out to the ocean and hopes for clarity to make his decision, or at least a really good erotic dream.
For the Rose Ceremony, Chris H. meets him at a Balinese temple, an extremely holy site where they cannot suck face. The three ladies are lined up, dressed in colorful Balinese garb, hands folded humbly in front of them. Becca is worried. She is also really dumb-looking.
Chris gives the usual speech about what a tough week it was and how hard his decision is, sighing a lot to punctuate it. Then he asks to speak to Becca. Whitney looks thrilled, Kaitlyn just appears uncomfortable.
Chris and Becca sit together. She expresses concern about how they left things, possibly the state of her vagina. She insists the show trappings have not made her merely believe she is in love–it’s real! Too bad there are cameras staring at them whiles he says it. She also hasn’t rejected Arlington outright. Maybe someone will invent teleportation soon. She desperately wants him to know how much she loves him and his pokey little hellhole of a hometown.
He blabbers the usual pre-tossing script. Did he shtup her and is now coldly sending her away? Or is this a surprise off-camera proposal? Is he just borrowing a match? Then they return to the ceremony–together. Whitney and Kaitlyn shoot them enraged side-eye inappropriate for a holy setting, before the camera pans to the two roses taunting them nearby.
Becca rejoins the line of women. Chris apologizes for making them wait while he collected his thoughts, and got another look down Becca’s cleavage. He lifts the first rose. It goes to Whitney and her smug grin. Now the second rose. It goes to…dum dum de dum dum…Becca. Kaitlyn is devastated. Chris sighs some more. She comes to say goodbye and they go off to commiserate with each other.
She can barely look at the cad. Take your sorries and stuff them in a sack, Farmer Jerk! He whispers some claptrap about how hard it’s been for him and there are no absolutely right decisions. She sobs piteously as the other women watch triumphantly from afar. He hugs her again at the car as she blubbers against his white shirtfront. If there’s no make up on there, this is a farce.
She puts on her seatbelt, dabbing at her eyes. “This is the most humiliating moment of my whole life,” she weeps. No, that was when you filled out the application. Meanwhile, Chris wanders the area in front of the temple, alternately sighing, hanging his head, and dabbing his eyes. He needs an acting coach with more range.
Next week: It’s the Tell-All Show, when Britt confronts Carly, Ashley S. explains what went wrong with her dosages, and Kelsey takes on the whole crowd. In two weeks, we learn the dramatic end of Chris’s journey to find love in snow-covered, dreary Iowa. Will he propose? Will a serial killer murder them all? Or will he just get some more nookie?
