Finally, we’re coming down to the final three bachelorettes. Let us take a moment to recall all the other women who put their jobs on hold, left their homes, friends, and families, uprooted their entire lives, for the opportunity to meet the man of their dreams and find happiness as his bride–only to be cast aside like so many pistachio shells. If you can’t remember their names, think of a lot of hair, teeth, and sequins. At least they live for an eternity in archived posts.
Chris will no longer be in charge tonight when he visits each of four gals’ homes and seeks approval from their families. Which three will join Kaitlyn in meriting one of these very important visits–Britt, Becca, Jade, Carly, Whitney? Will anyone’s dad give Chris the death-stare for even thinking about where no man but her OB-GYN has been permitted to go before? Which relatives will be impressed with the young man’s singular way with a hoe? Will a financial adviser want to know the farmer’s net worth in liquid assets vs. deferred compensation?
The answers to these and other questions, such as is Whitney Bischoff related to the cookie butter Biscoffs and why on earth would you name your child Jade Roper, which sounds like a level in martial arts training, we can only hope will be answered tonight.
After Chris H. desperately refers to last night’s Iowa trip as an “exciting journey to [Chris’s] home state,” Chris S. reviews the awkwardness of Britt’s tantrum. He decides to put the ugly moment behind him as he meets Becca for a date. He tells her Iowa is not “Italy or Belgium or someplace fancy,” since many people mistake downtown Des Moines for Western Europe. Meanwhile, she plans to be open and vulnerable with him today, confiding to him that she’s never been “alone” with anyone. Somehow he fails to understand that this means she’s never been touched below the waist by anyone outside a medical setting. Yet her last relationship was four years long. The poor man must have had balls the color of an Admiral’s dress uniform.
Nevertheless, Becca feels so comfortable with Chris and really likes him, so it could work out, maybe, with him. They kiss against the backdrop of an Iowan sunset, which is remarkably similar to those in Italy or Belgium.
The other women chat back in the suite. Britt proposes leaving tomorrow before the Rose Ceremony. The others are surprised, and feel it’s a petty reaction to Chris’s obvious resentment toward her behavior of the evening before. But Britt is adamant: She had told him in no uncertain terms that she wants to be his wife, and it’s upsetting when all these other people on the show stymie her progress. It’s no different than if she were an Olympic skater who wanted to win the gold, and she had decided to wham a length of pipe against her competitor’s shins.
However, she will talk with Chris first, suggesting there’s a “one percent chance” that she can use heaving cleavage and batting of eyes to bring him around to her way of thinking. She leaves, crying, though, after the woman sneer that she will just change her mind as she has before.
Everyone primps and preens for the cocktail party. Maybe Britt even showered. Chris H. arrives to greet them beforehand, making them nervous. There will not be a cocktail party, he informs them, because Chris S. knows what to do after this week’s events “gave him clarity.” Britt is devastated. This means she has missed her chance to explain herself to him with her tongue.
They all stand stiffly at the Rose Ceremony. Chris S. arrives and tells them they are beautiful and it has been incredible having them in his home state. It’s crazy, he continues, but he’s falling in love! Then Britt interrupts, asking for a minute alone with him. The others are disgusted, but they are not surprised. Britt wants to know she’s getting a rose, or she will preemptively skedaddle, they predict.
Britt tells Chris she wants to apologize for her inappropiate behavior. Then she invites him to talk. “That was hard,” he says about the encounter, which is why there’s no point in asking him to talk. He tells her that other girls have questioned her honesty. She rushes to explain about Arlingtongate. Then she wants to know if Carly called her a liar. He says it doesn’t matter. This isn’t boding well for Britt. Chris says he wants a tattletale like Carly for a wife, not an Iowa-hater. It’s over for the Osmond clone. Like your imitation love for me, indeed.
Britt says goodbye as Chris hangs his head. She walks outside into the Iowa autumn night, sobbing piteously. He collapses on a settee and looks defeated. It’s so much easier herding cows.
After Chris recovers, he returns to the remaining women, who are lined up like the troops before the Queen. He tells them he sent Britt home. “There’s something missing there,” he says of her, and thanks those who spoke up about her deceitfulness and lack of hygiene.
Rose time. Whitney gets the first one. Becca is second. Then Chris H. steps in and earns $450,000 to say, “When you’re ready…” The last rose goes to Jade, who could be posing for Playboy right now if she took her dress off. Carly stands alone, rejected, wretched, fated to return to the lonely cruise ship. Someone better be watching the railings.
Carly cries in the limo, “Why doesn’t someone just want me?” So try singing on a cruise for singles.
Chris thought that ceremony was really tough, but he’s ready for hometown visits. You can learn a lot about a person meeting their families, he believes. That was certainly true of the Manson Family. First is Becca, whose people live in Shreveport. By now, she now can’t get Chris off her mind. Her family has never seen her like this, since she’s a virgin. Do they all know about that? I mean, it’s not like people generally phone home when they first have sex, but still, you don’t expect them to presume otherwise.
Becca guesses being in love starts with the feelings she has now, although she ought to consult a medical professional in case it’s just indigestion. Chris is nervous as they approach her parents’ home. Inside are mom and dad, her older sister and husband, and some other people.
Sis feels it’s all weird, as well she might. She takes Chris aside and tells him Becca is not an “intimate person,” and has not had the urge to be close to a man before. Is she a lesbian or just frigid? Chris is concerned, as well he might be. They could always have Whitney work out the four-to-six kids part.
Next Mom conducts an interview. She underscores Becca’s lack of romantic experience as well, but she feels that means this relationship is big.
Becca’s sister then asks Becca about the virgin elephant in the room. “You’re going to be in the Fantasy Suite together…” she says leadingly. Becca feels things will happen naturally; Chris will either accept her maidenhood like a gentleman or will coldly reject her for not being prepared to carom off the headboard like a veteran of Cirque du Soleil. They could always just order room service, Sis suggests. If they make a good bearnaise there, that would be a fantasy for me. Meanwhile, Mom wishes Chris good luck.
As they’re kissing good night, Chris whispers that she’s coming with him in the car. They’re going to a carnival to ride the ferris wheel. He wants to reproduce the sensation of spinning in the dark that he feels after what Sis told him. Becca feels lightheaded, which is like being in love, or like nausea from riding a ferris wheel after eating a large meal.
Next is Whitney’s family. Today is a day that could go down in history in terms of her life, she suggests. Chris comes to Chicago, where he will be given a “tour of her life,” meaning the fertility clinic. That’s other people’s lives, really. He puts on scrubs, which she finds sexy, and they watch a sperm being inserted into an egg.
“I make corn. I can’t imagine what’s it like to make babies,” Chris marvels. How about making baby corn? They want to test his sperm, they tell him, so they give him a cup and a magazine. What if it’s the issue with Jade’s pictures in it? Ha ha, it was all a joke. Chris envisions Whitney and himself making their own babies the traditional way, and there is no need for any magazine.
Bearing wine and flowers, they go to see her family. Before they go in, he asks whom to ask for their blessing if he proposes. Overcome with joy, Whitney says it’s her sister. An uncle makes a toast, then interviews Chris. He describes Whitney as vulnerable yet strong, while her voice could be described as irritating yet shrill. Chris likes that. If he a better grasp of vocabulary, he might have thought of it.
Whitney tells her sister, who looks forbidding, about her and Chris’s strong connection. Sis questions the Iowan farm life, so different from Chicago, Italy or Belgium, and says Whitney can give her consent without Sis’s approval. They bicker. Whitney pleads. Sis doesn’t like the four-girls-in-the-process issue, which makes Chris asking for a blessing appear insincere. Finally, a normal person speaks her mind.
Chris then asks Sis for her blessing. She tells him she wants Whitney to be the only one he’s considering marrying, and he can call her when that’s the case. Sis is my favorite character in this cast.
Chris tells Whitney what happened. She’s upset, so she needs to tell him how she feels. She tells the story of a bottle of wine she bought, which she planned to share with the man she loved. And that is Chris. He smiles and they kiss. Then they pour the wine. I hope she bought two bottles.
Now we go to Phoenix to meet Kaitlyn’s family. Chris arrives to find Kaitlyn in an alley behind a warehouse that houses a recording studio. They are going to write and record a rap song. Chris is dubious, but then he writes lyrics that touch Kaitlyn deeply, because she is superficial and mundane. However, he is a complete failure at the performing part. “I just suck at this,” he admits, but Kaitlyn makes him feel comfortable, so it’s okay. Good luck on DWTS, though.
As the sun sets, they head for her family’s house, where the front door is from Loewe’s. Mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom, and sister are present. Chris calls them an “unconventional” family. Apparently people in Iowa always marry for life.
Kaitlyn’s mother wants to speak to her. She’s worried because Kaitlyn’s last relationship went bad. But she sees herself “falling in love with this human being,” and mom sees it in her eyes. No one talks to Chris before they leave, so I guess she’s a goner. But she makes him get out of the car as they’re driving back, to show him a billboard that says Kaitlyn (heart) Chris. I hope the show paid for that.
In the break, we’re subjected to an ad that asks why women would use period pads for bladder leaks. Sometimes I hate the modern world.
Jade now. It’s important for Chris to see what molded Jade into what she is now, which is a girl who poses naked for Playboy. Her family lives somewhere in Nebraska. They head to their modest ranch home where a deer head is mounted on the living room wall. Her mom, dad, brother, and dad’s fiancee are there. Chris gives Jade a varsity jacket from his high school, then goes to talk with her dad, who has seen the pictures of Jade posing in Playboy.
Chris likes Jade’s small-town values. Oh, the irony! Dad wants to know if he’s falling in love with her. He wants Jade to be happy, to live free and be loved. Chris understands that to mean Jade is a wild woman. Brother confirms this, and thinks Iowa will clip her wings. “She’s a wild mustang, a free spirit,” he claims, quoting the lyrics from his latest garage band song.
Dad counsels Jade to love someone who supports who she is, which is a person who poses naked for Playboy. She feels there’s something in Chris that’s right for her, probably his bank balance. Everyone hugs. But Jade knows she has to tell Chris about posing for Playboy. It’s terrifying to contemplate the outcome, though. Either Chris will be scandalized, or he will be okay with it. It all depends on whether he preferred Miss February that year.
Off they go to talk about Jade posing for Playboy. They meet in his hotel room in case he’s turned on by the news. She tells him she’s always lived life according to her own rules, and also Hugh Hefner’s specs for layouts. There are some things about her that would surprise Chris, she further expounds. It’s hard because she’s been judged for it. But it was a liberating time in her life, she continues. Chris looks nervous. When she first moved to LA, she was approached to pose for Playboy and she did. Now he looks severe. Then she offers to show him the photos, and he looks delighted. “If it makes you feel more comfortable…” he says agreeably. She pulls out the laptop, and he examines the shots with alacrity, then giggles demurely. There’s video, too, for which Jillian’s black bar makes another appearance.
“At this point, I’m a little shocked,” Chris reveals. When she asks what he thinks, he laughs awkwardly, then says he judges her for the person she is. He insists it doesn’t make him think any differently about her. She’s still a shallow, bland famewhore. The important thing is he’s looking to fall in love with the person, not what they’ve done before. That explains all those people wanting to marry serial killers.
Jade is relieved. The way he didn’t judge her is incredible, she thinks. She leaves his room contentedly while he rushes back inside to boot up the laptop and check the history for the photos’ URL.
Now Chris is back in Iowa. This was the biggest week he’s had, and now he’s falling in love–with multiple women. But he must choose only three to sleep with. At the Rose Ceremony, Jade is the only one wearing black, for her Jezebel ways. “It’s the toughest night of my entire life,” Chris tells the women, which means they must not get many tornadoes in Iowa. Whitney gets the first rose. The next goes to Kaitlyn. The third and final one is to ensure Becca loses her virginity or is horrified on TV trying. Sorry, Jade, those photos won’t fly at the Methodist Church in Arlington.
Chris walks her out. “You are an amazing person,” he tells her. “Things just moved faster with the other girls, that’s all there is to it.” Or just that their nude pictures haven’t surfaced yet. He adds, “It’s nothing about what you said, you know that, don’t you?” Ah, but we and Jesus know otherwise.
He escorts her to the car. “I was falling in love and I didn’t see this coming,” Jade tells us as she is driven away. “Yeah, my heart is broken.” But her spirit is free!
“She poured her heart out for me,” Chris says mournfully. And she showed a few more of her parts, too.
