According to the International Business Times, in one of the most dramatic moments in 23 seasons, a woman will tell Colton that some of the others may not be there for the right reasons. In the same issue, IBT also reported that a Snickers has peanuts and no one ever bothers dusting the tops of picture frames.
The more groundbreaking news is that there won’t be a two-on-one date for Colton, despite the fact that ABC’s Vice President of Alternative Programming feels a really vicious two-on-one is “iconic,” like Alexis Carrington Colby vs. Krystle Carrington or Alien vs. Predator. Could it be that all the gals are just too sweet and congenial this season? That seems unlikely, as Demi alone is a one-woman Spanish Inquisition. Also, if The Bachelor is “alternative,” what do they consider conventional programming, a test pattern?
We left Colton stalking away from the last pre-Rose Ceremony after some of the gals got to bickering. now he strolls the shore pensively. The girls observe him with concern, mostly for his shoes getting soaked and him developing a fungus. More importantly, we still don’t know why Kirpa has a bandage on her chin.
Chris goes to talk with Colton over the breaking waves as Onyeka and Nicole continue to argue over who’s a bully or a liar. Nevertheless, the Rose Ceremony will go on, just as Freddy Mercury sang.
Colton tells the gathered girls that tonight has been hard and emotional for him, but if he continues to follow his heart, he’ll find his way to either love or a spokesperson gig on E!. He hands Caelynn the first rose, followed by Tayshia and Kirpa, then Demi and Hannah G. I keep thinking he’s saying Angie. Then comes Katie, leaving the final rose waiting in the tray. It goes to Sydney, which sends both Nicole and Onyeka packing. There’s a lesson to be learned here, but usually it’s one you’re taught in nursery school.
Colton has a lot on his mind heading into the next days in Vietnam, a country of lush foliage, broad rivers, and delicious pho. The rest of us are thinking about the fact that you can say “balls to the wall” during prime time. Demi uses the term to underscore her determination to deflower Colton, which is excellent content considering all the birth control ads during the breaks.
Next day, Colton walks the Vietnamese beach without once thinking of Jane Fonda. He’s anxious and needs clarity. What’s with everyone using that word about making a decision? I looked it up in the thesaurus, and there are plenty of other options.
The gals are pleased to see the latest drama put to an end as they arrive at their luxury suite in the Southeast Asian country. They cry “GGood morning, Vietnam!” from their balcony like the bunch of fools they are.
Hannah G. gets the one-on-one date, her first. Colton says he has had his eye on her since the first night, when he gave her the First Impression Rose. I’m glad they reminded us of that, because I’ve been distracted by the prospect of a nuclear attack by Russia.
Colton has a hard time keeping his hands off Hannah G. long enough to learn the rest of the letters in her last name. After a Vietnamese massage, she spreads herself on top of him like a Hollandaise sauce, and they make out. They then move to a little waterfall pool to make out standing up. It’s a date that rivals any of those at the Paris opera or luxe private club in Indiscreet.
Back at the suite, the others complain that Hannah G. always relies on her looks, as if the rest of them were cast solely for their disarming wit.
Colton feels like the luckiest man in all of Vietnam right now. Why he leaves out the rest of the world, we can’t know. Hannah G. assures him she is there for the right reasons. Opening up is not her thing, though, probably because nothing of substance will come out. She does reveal that her parents’ divorce was ugly, involving a scene wherein her mom drove over her dad’s cherished lawn that he mowed three times a week. I think I understand why the mom dumped him.
Colton understands, as his parents are also divorced, albeit without any landscaping damage. He feels he and Hannah G. have bonded as she worked through her parents’ divorce in two sentences, both of which consisted largely of “like” and “I mean.” She gets the rose. He says he may be falling in love with WASP Debra Messing.
The group date card arrives at the suite. Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Katie, and Demi are on it. That means Kirpa gets the second one-on-one, and finally some camera time that is not a silent reaction shot. We never even found out why she had a Band-Aid on her chin. At this point, I care more about that than who Colton proposes to.
Sydney and Demi are in despair not to get the one-on-one, although Sydney seems genuinely aggrieved while Demi just pouts. She is already plotting to seduce Colton like one of Josie and the Pussycats playing Mata Hari.
The group departs to meet Colton. He and a couple of other guys demonstrate some martial arts, arousing the Bonnie-and-Clyde natures of some of the women. They learn an original Star Trek type of crossed-stick fighting, and some jazzy punching moves. Chris will ESPN-announce their fight competition with the host of Bachelor Vietnam.
There’s a lot of shrieking in the first round as Heather and Sydney grab and punch at each other. I suspect Colton and the producers watch a lot of lesbian porn.
The cocktail party commences. Sydney is still disappointed in how little time she’s had with Colton to tell him how it’s hard to open up. But Colton invites Tayshia to join him. She’s been feeling kind of, she doesn’t know, this week has been kind of weird for her and opening up is kind of scary for her. Maybe they should all start journaling.
Tayshia wants Colton to be curious about her, and in a way that does not involve peering down her neckline. He assures her that he wants to keep exploring their relationship, which would be like exploring the surface of a Frisbee. He tells her she makes him feel calm and comfortable. He probably just needs some Xanax.
Katie feels scared right now. Her biggest fear is being misunderstood, because she’s another one who can’t open up. All these extremely reserved people were happy to audition for a national TV show where they fight with their friends and make out with a stranger every week. Colton reassures her, advising her to open up so he can understand her and their relationship. He’s clearly studied Jungian theory.
Hannah B. seizes Colton in her arms next. She’s so giddy all the time, a drug test might be in order. Tayshia and Sydney have a pleasant conversation about Colton ignoring them over other girls, who are noticeably more blond than either of them. Sydney admits to Colton that she got emotional last night over this whole form of popular entertainment. She wants to know why she hasn’t been on a one-on-one. He blames the shorter format for this season.
Demi wants to always be supportive for Colton, like she is with her ex-con mom. To prove it, she produces her phone to call Mom at the halfway house. You can see where a home-town visit would be untenable. Demi then hogs the conversation, crowing about how she’s on an all-expenses-paid trip to Southeast Asia, and praising her mom for not getting shivved.
Sydney returns to Colton to express that she’s not feeling any better after their first three-minute, platitude-heavy confab. She suggests he’s making “easier choices” by concentrating on the vapid dimbulbs in the group. Therefore, she’s going to go home. Despite feigning disappointment with a frowny face, Colton does not give a single damn.
He rejoins the group to tell them Sydney has chosen to leave. Her explanation that he didn’t open up enough to her only makes him think about how he wants everyone else to open up to him more. All anybody ever talks about about are failed relationships and life tragedies. He could just Google that stuff.
The rose goes to Tayshia, but Colton walks away looking glum. He doesn’t like a brunette telling him he’s a dullard.
Next day, Hannah B. and Demi conjecture whether Kirpa can open up. On their date, Colton uses some of his and Kirpa’s limited date time to blather on about why Sydney left. But the good news is, he’s “continuously being surprised” by Kirpa, like the mysterious Band-Aid business and that she appears to never wear make-up. Now they’ll go skin diving so they can fail to get to know each other some more.
The other girls are haunted by their approaching home-town date prospects. Maybe sexting Colton would help.
That night, Kirpa and Colton discuss how much fun they had today. She’s been engaged before, which of course he insists she open up about. The show has an obsession with hashing out old relationships, like flashback scenes in old sitcoms. Her ex was also a virgin, so there’s some common ground for the couple.
Colton is excited to be engaged, apparently more than falling in love. Maybe he plans to sell the Neil Lane ring on eBay. But he is satisfied that Kirpa is in this for the long game, so she gets the rose.
As Kirpa returns triumphant to the suite, Demi glops on that pink lip gloss, dons short-shorts, and goes to see Colton. She is plotting to seduce him, like a girl in an ABC After-School Special that cautions against having sex just to interest the quarterback who’s dating a chaste cheerleader. Dreary rain heralds the twee blond’s arrival. She grabs him, claiming she wanted to check in after his difficult last night, then reveals how she’s falling for him.
“I appreciate you telling me,” he says, like the HR lady at your office when you report a co-worker who keeps asking you to accept Jesus. But Colton puts Demi off. He can’t see himself with her at the end of this. She struggles to express her heartbreak, but only manages to look like they didn’t have those cute shoes in her size.
She returns to the house, crestfallen, and is consoled by other girls while they all sit on a bed. Damn producers have to make everything look like a female biker movie. No one has ever loved her back, Demi weeps almost realistically. Maybe stop insulting your fellow cast members in an effort to win the competition, and it might happen one day.
Time for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party. The girls agonize about getting time with Colton, who is himself worried about making a mistake tonight, although his worst one was going on this show. However, Chris arrives to report there will not be a cocktail party, as Colton has already made his decision. So wearing a backless dress was useless.
Hannah B. gets the first rose, followed by Caelynn and Cassie; the final rose goes to Heather. Katie is going home, so Colton walks her out. She has a lot to say, she says, but there’s not a lot of time left in the show if they want to show previews of next week. Colton accuses Katie of not giving him more than she did in her allotted seven minutes with him.
“Just be smart with those girls,”Katie warns ominously before climbing into the limo. Colton is worried that it’s not the first time he’s heard that advice about the remaining women. He tells the group his concerns that any of them might not be there for him him him and only him, and how that terrifies him. He needs answers, damn it! Tayshia feels she and Kirpa will be the last ones standing, while the blonds appear to differ.
Next week we’ll learn why Colton leaps over that wall. He also claims that when he loses his virginity, he wants it to be tender and gentle and the greatest thing she ever felt. I hope he can find a book in Vietnam about locating the G-spot.
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