We’re off to Singapore with Colton and the 15 remaining bachelorettes, most of whom I still can’t name, even with face-recognition software. We never get vivacious, madcap single women, like on That Girl or Untold Stories of the ER. ABC confirms—not to me personally, just so you know—that there will be one group date and two one-on-ones this fourth week in the circles of hell.
Tayshia gets the first one-on-one, during which she and Colton take a risk by bungee jumping off some very high structure, much like when they signed their contracts in a producer’s top-floor office. Tayshia must also “face her apprehension about revealing a past failure in her private life.” I have news for you: what they’re calling a “failure” is something the vast majority of people in Hollywood have experienced, and it’s not an appearance on Kimmel.
The second one-on-one goes to Caelynn, she of the weirdly spelled name and Carrie Underwood nose. She, like Becca, will be treated to a shopping spree, which may forebode her being dumped, also like Becca. I wonder if they have to pay taxes on all the merch. What’s more, according to a radio interview with Chris Harrison, who just cannot keep his damn mouth shut, Caelynn will reveal that she was sexually assaulted some years ago. This show is turning into This Is Us, only with shoes on clearance at DSW.
The group date with the remaining 13 gals occurred on October 5th, 2018, which is likely the most compelling aspect of the event.
Meanwhile, one of the contestants on Jeopardy goes by the name Steve-O, and another appears to be Eve Plumb after traveling here from 1987.
And so it begins. Colton says life is all about experiencing things for the first time, like sex or a tax audit. Chris greets the women and hears them discuss their grievances. After he confuses Hannah B. with Caelynn—you have one job, Chris—he tells them there is no date today because they’re all off to (insert screams of glee) Singapore. It’s that place where they invented the sling!
“We got the lights, the buildings,” Chris says of the glimmering Southeast Asian city, evidently quoting literature provided by the tourism board. The girls drink to their exciting experience in the mysterious foreign metropolis where electricity is commonly used. Then the first date card arrives, and everyone becomes somber. Tayshia is thrilled at her good fortune, while Hannah B. and Demi are distressed and hateful, respectively. You have to wonder how these people handle real trauma, like what happens on The Good Doctor.
Colton reports that his relationship with Tayshia is not as far along as the others, some of which have run as long as 14 minutes, but he has high hopes for making good progress today. They approach the bungee-jumping structure from which happy tourists are leaping. Colton used to avoid such risky activities to preserve his body for football, which didn’t pose a danger to anything but his limbs, bones, and head.
Colton gets the push first, screaming like a little girl, as Tayshia notes with pleasure. She then leaps feet first, so she’s flipped violently on her way down, much like Becca was at the end of Season 21. The pair disrobes for a swim after their breathtaking leaps comped by the local resort. Spending time with this hunky dweeb, Tayshia feels open and vulnerable, which also describes her bathing suit.
Night falls on Singapore. Tayshia vows to remain fearless as she confesses her darkest secrets to Colton’s bland, shiny punim. He asks how she is the way she is, a Freudian technique. She reveals that she was married and divorced in the last year. As a Christian woman, although not as a potential Bachelor contestant since they need new forms of non-controversy to exploit, she found the experience troubling. He acknowledges that he can’t judge people, largely because he’s making a fool of himself on television right now.
The group date card arrives at the suite. Hannah B. is distressed that she’s on it, meaning Caelynn gets the one-on-one. She probably didn’t win Miss Congeniality either.
Meanwhile, Tayshia gets the rose. They make out enthusiastically. Previews show Demi making Courtney cry. The commercial shows us a retinol that also hydrates your skin.
Colton worries about crowdsourcing in his quest for love. He claims he relates better to women one-on-one, like when he was on Becca’s season. But he’s excited to try new things and experience different cultures with this crew of witless store mannequins more interested in denigrating each other than learning about another country.
Demi rushes forward to hog Colton to herself. They all go to have leeches applied, a fitting metaphor for the whole franchise. The lady running the therapy center explains that these slimy invertebrates remove toxins and inflammation, unlike Hannah B., who creates them. Back at the suite, Caelynn and Tayshia discuss complex social interactions rarely addressed at Harvard conferences.
The group eats strange and exotic foodstuffs as Colton observes their reactions. They celebrate their ability to swallow fish eyes and entrails. Another relationship hurdle cleared, as every marriage must include a willingness by each partner to dine on pig brain. Unless you keep kosher, in which case you must enjoy stuffed derma at least once a year.
It’s cocktail party time. Everyone is tense about getting time with Colton when there’s the 13 girls competing to have him fondle their legs. Hannah B. makes her move first. Courtney has elected to just be herself, while Nicole will be her cleavage.
Hannah feels reassured when she questions Colton about the bad things people have said about her, and what he may have determined on his own. He then makes out with Cassie, who makes him comfortable being himself, which is a guy who enjoys pawing her. Katie brings him chopsticks, while Sydney demos a meditation technique. Everybody’s got a schtick.
Courtney grows anxious as she awaits her time with Colton, similar to me at the hair stylist watching other people get a chair while I can literally feel my roots growing in. Demi suggests Cortney is digging her own grave with all her fussing. She gets to talk with Colton next, building a wall of inanity around herself. As he gazes at her with blank concern, she claims stuff is going on at home with her mom, bad stuff, and like, no matter what, Demi loves her unconditionally. She drinks in his bland platitudes that paint her as saintly and strong. She is, for a cardboard cut-out.
When she quickly returns to Colton’s side to assure him his scripted lines satisfied her, Courtney is encouraged to interrupt to get some time with him. She instead confronts Demi alone. Courtney suggests Demi’s maturity level is not that advanced. I suggest Demi’s lip gloss was applied too haphazardly.
Then Demi gets the rose. She gloats with a lot of “whatevers” and “likes.” Courtney is reduced to tears, noting that Colton must realize he never spoke to her but nevertheless gave Demi two turns. I don’t know. Colton seems like he couldn’t remember a URL without being spotted the www.
Next day, Caelynn receives the one-on-one date card. Hannah B. refuses to have her joy sparked at this development. The couple drives off in a Rolls Royce. They shop at several elegant boutiques as Caelynn insists she doesn’t need material things to be happy. Probably best. If they marry, she’ll be browsing the clearance racks at Chico’s. When she returns to show off her booty to the other girls, Cassie cries. It’s hard to see someone you’re dating lavish gifts on another. But she’s happy for Caelynn, she insists, pulling her sleeves over her hands like a victim being interviewed on Law & Order: SVU.
Caelynn wears a shiny green gown to make out with Colton at their evening date. She dreads the conversation she must have with him now. Colton needs powdering. They tell each other how they feel like themselves with each other. Then she brings it up: Four years ago, while in college, she was given drugged wine at a party, and woke up naked. It turned out every woman there had been sexually assaulted. Colton stares at her as she describes the agony of the perpetrators not being punished. She was determined to find justice even as she endured shame and guilt. Oy, stop this, Bachelor. It’s like featuring a murder on Puppy Dog Pals.
Colton is supportive. Caelynn appreciates him not freaking out or going all Charles Bronson in Death Wish on her. He reminds her he’s a virgin, just to get us back on the main theme. They kiss. Then there’s a brief notice for the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, to underscore that the producers only exploited Caelynn’s trauma to help others.
Before the Rose Ceremony, the usual claptrap of bickering and anxiety ensues. Hannah G. hangs off Colton’s arm as he shows her his room in the hotel. She is going to try really hard to open up, but with her clothes on. They’ve got their shoes on the bed, for shame. As they paw at each other hungrily, Hannah claims he’s gotten to know her on another level. It’s not an intellectual one.
Hannah B. wants to resolve the tension between her and Caelynn. They meet privately to soothe each other’s feelings, apologize, and hug it out. I was in a staff meeting like that once. This encounter is followed by an ad in which a woman sings about hormone-free birth control.
Demi feels Courtney has dissed her in a general statement to the group about being authentic. She runs to tell Colton that Courtney is “a cancer in the house,” or at least in the Singapore Marriott. Courtney interrupts. Finally alone with Colton, she describes Demi’s manipulative behavior. He’s apparently flummoxed by the contradicting stories. If he can’t distinguish the better person between the two, Courtney should try 90-Day Fiance.
Back at the group, the women are horrified that Demi called Courtney a cancer. She’s not even a benign cyst. Demi is insistent that Courtney said mean things about her, and therefore deserved to be compared to a terminal disease.
The gals now troop into the Rose Ceremony. Colton blabbers something about a journey, then gives the first rose to Kathy (??). She’s followed by Heather, Kirpa, and Hannah B., who can finally shut up for the final five minutes. Katie is next, then Elyse and Sydney. The rose after that goes to Cassie, who appears to wear no make-up, then Nicole. The final rose awaits.
As tension mounts and my dog snores, Colton gives it to Onyeka. Oh, well, Courtney deserves better than this loutish clod. Colton watches as she leaves, then returns to the party to yowza it up with the girls. Next week: Colton stalks, girls cry, dresses are tacky.
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