Fortunately, there hasn’t been a shutdown of MJ’s Big Blog, largely because all parties can agree The Bachelor must be mocked to preserve our nation’s ideals.
For this week’s group date, all 15 women still clinging by their acrylic nail tips to a chance at the Neil Lane ring will participate in survival training in the woods. It’s like Naked and Afraid if it were called called Dressed in Lularoe and Far Too Willing. Their experience includes getting mud mixed into their mascara and eating worms. ABC just loves shows where desperate people endure prolonged discomfort just to land a rich partner, like Shark Tank and Dancing with the Stars.
Also, tonight everyone can stop giving you geschrei over the fact that Bekah M.’s age doesn’t appear in her show bio. She may have either a portrait in her attic or a fake birth certificate, but internet crazies have sussed out that she’s only 22, compared to Arie’s practically AARP-eligible 36. Will an age difference equal to how long it’s been since Martha Stewart was convicted spell the end of a future for the pair? The Magic 8-Ball says, “Ask again after their date in the hot tub.”
The other one-on-one goes to Seinne, whose is a respectable 27. Her bio says that if she were an animal, she would like to be an “intelligent, loyal, and just beautiful” elephant. They probably overlooked that question off for Bekah after she said she’d prefer to hunt an endangered species.
Three women will leave tonight, none of them due to a sudden burst of self-respect. Two are denied roses, and the third has a loss in the family. Sadly, we’re stuck with Chris to the end.
The gals are concerned about Bekah’s comparative youth. “Arie is looking for a woman, not a girl,” Krystal whines in the pre-cap. He’s probably also looking not to have his ears bleed on a daily basis. Chris arrives to point out that only 15 women remain, and that they’re all going to travel around the world. First, they’ll join Arie in south Lake Tahoe, which Krystal probably thinks is in China.
The next scene opens with Arie gazing pensively from a mountaintop, pronouncing pine trees and hiking to be good. The women arrive at their lodge accommodations, and proceed to perform the Bachelorette Dance of Joy, which involves feeling up mounted animal heads and shrieking at the log furniture.
When they calm down, the first date card arrives for Seinne. She’s nervous because Lauren S. didn’t come back from her first one-on-one, similar to the maiden voyage of the Titanic. But off they go in a red pickup truck to parasail. Krystal is sure Seinne will be toast just like Lauren S. Krystal also thinks Twinkies appear at the bottom of the food pyramid.
A lone bird cries out mournfully as it swoops over the treeline. It saw Season 21. The women watch the one-on-one through binoculars like a bunch of eyeliner-heavy Bond villains in their lair. A Recreational Kiting Cam records the flight as Seinne says she thinks parasailing is about letting go and seeing where the wind takes you. I read that in Jung’s Psychology of the Unconscious, Part II: Banal Life Metaphors.
After their sail, they sit on the rocky beach and talk about Arie’s parents, whom he sees every day. Hmm. He also has twin brothers, one of whom recently got married. The other who will probably be The Bachelor in three years.
Seinne hasn’t been in love in a while, so she is determined to give this a chance. Arie tells her she struck him as something special right from the start, mostly because he wanted to figure out how to pronounce “Seinne.”
We are then forced to watch as Maquel receives a seemingly innocent phone call from her mom until sad music starts to play. Her tears fall wretchedly against the backdrop of a majestic Tahoe crest. Staging a death call, ABC? This is more tasteless than six commercials every nine minutes. Maquel packs to leave as the others commiserate insincerely.
Another date card arrives that evening. Bekah is delighted not to have been included, since that means she gets the next one-on-one. At least she’ll age a couple of hours in between.
Seinne and Arie go to their dinner. She tells him that saw her parents break up, and felt from a young age that romance was uncertain. Naturally, you go on this show to disprove that. “Love exposes you to being hurt,” she tells Arie. Just as hate exposes you to having hundreds of thousands of women march against you carrying really clever signs. The two agree they enjoyed each other’s company, so she gets the rose. They enter another area to be serenaded by some fellow called Lanco, or maybe LANCO? If Arie doesn’t pick Seinne, she should be The Bachelorette. Or get a PhD.
After we learn that we should ask our doctors about Victoza and that there’s something called splashless bleach, we’re back. A bear and a chipmunk appear on the screen, followed by the group date gals. Krystal clearly believes she’s the only one who should be there. Even the bear and chipmunk aren’t as good for the forest as she is.
A man named Hawke will teach the group survival techniques. He has been married to his lovely wife, who will assist, for 13 years. They know how to make a relationship not end in a savage mauling. The wife then presents a handful of worms as an hors d’ouevre. Kendall worries about standing out when everyone is drinking their own urine and eating maggots.
Now they have to navigate through the forest to another location. It seems like that will distract from anyone getting to know each other, but then again, I saw Hostel on a date and forgot the guy’s name while he was sitting next to me. Now it’s time to stop surviving, and start living, by getting into the hot tub. Krystal grouses about how everyone is trying to talk with Arie instead of hunting small game in their bikinis.
Their ordeal in the wild is over, and without any forest fires, so it’s time for ordeal of the cocktail party. Krystal continues to insist her relationship with Arie is not only secure, but superior to all the others. Nevertheless, Arie steals away Lauren B. to talk. She says she doesn’t open up easily, but she will tell him she’s here and vulnerable. Do they recruit cast members from psychiatrists’ offices? Because no one in 22 seasons has been able to open up and be vulnerable. Arie cites as ideal a partnership, an equal relationship, a Captain and Tenille of love. Lauren likes that idea, too, and says that it should last til they are “old and gross.” Their image of a grand passion is comparable to Catherine and Heathcliff.
Kendall claims to Arie that eating a bunch of bugs is something she’s always wanted to do. She’s the taxidermy woman, so it makes sense. She even brought one of her stuffed animals with her. Arie is interested in her as long as he doesn’t precede her in death.
Krystal asserts that no one has a personality like she does, because none of them know who they are, aside from the characters they were assigned by the scriptwriters. The others resent her possessiveness and viewing of the show as a competition instead of a wholesome love story that unfolds naturally in real time. Finally Krystal gets to tell Arie how annoyed she is that the show concept was not revised to make it about just her and him.
Furthermore, she is floored by the insecurity of the other girls. She decides to confront Caroline and Tia about it. That’s on page 127 of The Reality Show Villain’s Guide. Bleeping commences, and there is significant pushback. They make the point that everyone’s real reason for being there is Arie, and the opportunity to complain that the other women are not there for him. Tia leaves the convo to go to Arie and sob that she might not win because he’s macking on everyone else, too, which is hard to handle even if you’ve watched the same thing in every previous season.
Who gets the rose? Someone who was open and vulnerable, which was everyone, including several production assistants and the guy who picks up the donuts. But the rose goes to Tia. It appears crying earns you extra points with this shmoe.
The next morning, Krystal complains that she comes across as flawless, which upsets the other girls and makes half the country LOL in front of their TVs. Meanwhile, Bekah arrives to spend the day with Arie. They will go horseback riding. Arie says she’s a lot deeper than most of the women he’s dated, who apparently were only worried about their geometry quizzes and making cheerleader. They clip clop, laughing gaily, along the trail to their hot tub destination on a cliff side. As they undress behind a screen, bantering flirtatiously, the other women decide Bekah is not mature enough to want marriage or even use under-eye cream. Maybe, but she’s clearly prepared to consummate the relationship right now.
The women are confident that when Bekah reveals her age, Arie will throw a blanket over her and have the authorities cancel the Amber Alert. But at the moment, he is smitten, and wants to find out if they match and that their lives are in the same place. I think hers might be at the mall.
He loves that she is open and honest, and wants to know everything about her. Chemistry-wise, there is so much there. Intellect-wise, they’re both on this show, so that’s not a concern. But is it the right time and the right person? How can you know if you’ve never been there, she posits.Perhaps the same way you know what a picture of a lion, an elephant, and a rhino are even if you’ve never been to a zoo.
Suddenly Bekah asks if he knows her age. When he hears, Arie claps a hand over his mouth in disbelief, like she’s just told him she’s a Russian lawyer who doesn’t want to talk about adoption policies. Why the shock? It’s unlikely that a 33-year-old would look like she previously auditioned to play the girl on Nicky, Ricky, Dicky & Dawn.
Now he is even more concerned if she is ready for marriage, while Bekah worries that he won’t accept the difference in their lives. She could try getting pregnant. They discuss the pitfalls of falling in love with someone you’ll have to teach how a rotary phone works. It’s a tale as old as President Trump and the First Lady.
Nevertheless, Arie thinks this could be the beginning of something amazing, aside from the embarrassing moments when they go to her summer camp reunion. He gives her the rose, which symbolizes hope that they can build on this amazing connection. Then it’s time to ram his tongue down a throat younger than the first graphical version of Microsoft Word.
Before the Rose Ceremony, the gals apply makeup and worry some more. Krystal, of course, plots to beat everyone else to telling Arie how there she is there for him. He might be more interested to hear her horoscope or a good chili recipe. Then Chris clomps down the stairs, disappointing everyone in four time zones. He tells the group there will be no cocktail party because Arie already knows what he wants to do. They’re going right to the ceremony. Panic ensues. It’s like they just heard Orson Welles’ War of the Worlds on the radio, and are fleeing New Jersey.
Arie tells Chris that he feels confident in his decisions of whom to throw out, and the producers are glad to save on finger foods. He tells the women that Tahoe gave him clarity, something he probably read on a t-shirt. Before he can hand out a rose, though, Krystal steps forward and asks for a moment of his time. Resentment, suspicion, and anger ensue. Plus, they all have to stand there in their four-inch heels while they wait for the scene to be shot.
Krystal pleads in a whisper for Arie to prefer her over everyone else. He looks disinterested. Should have gone for the chili recipe.
Back at the ceremony, the first rose goes to Lauren B. She is followed by Kendall, Ashley, and Becca K. Next come Chelsea, Jenna, and Jacqueline, who I get confused with Caroline. Marikh receives the next-to-last rose.
The final one tonight goes to Krystal. The drama must continue at all costs to human decency. So long to Brittany T. and Caroline. Everyone clinks glasses to next week, when they go to Fort Lauderdale. Maybe Krystal will be attacked by a shark.d