The Bachelor – Season 22 – Premiere Recap and Live Blog

This year’s Bachelor is Arie Luyendyk, Jr., which is already a problem because no way can I type that name correctly again. He’s a 36-year-old former race car driver who now works in real estate in Scottsdale, Arizona, and whose mother is probably disappointed in him.

Back in 2012, Arie’s heart was broken when Bachelorette Emily Maynard rejected him, likely because she didn’t want all those “y”s in her name. Now ready anew to try for love, or at least memorize lines suggesting so, Arie describes himself as “a type of person who can really conversate with anyone.” So if this gig doesn’t lead to new opportunities—we already know it won’t lead to marriage—he can host a talk show for the semi-literate, like Dr Phil does.

Season 22 will also feature 29 “diverse” women, which likely means a few don’t have long hair or vocal fry, vying for Arie’s affections. Apparently, they will also be drinking less than previous gals, thanks to the recent Bachelor in Paradise scandal that suggested too much liquor can cause one-dimensional famewhores to misbehave. A shame, since alcohol often accounts for all the personality a cast member may have.

Many viewers wanted the indecisive and annoying Peter from Rachel’s season to helm 2018, but they’re probably the same people who thought Blake Farenthold shouldn’t resign. Instead, we will witness Arie’s journey to love, and hopefully without him being seen in ducky-patterned adult onesie. It’s encouraging that ABC’s PR department claims he’s “in a place in my life where I am really ready for marriage.” What’s more, Arie is “a hopeless romantic” and “very passionate,” both traits typically found in Bachelor fans’ tweets describing the ideal husband.

Don’t read this next part if you want to avoid spoilers, or if you’re an easily disappointed being from a planet with an advanced society: By the near-end of the show, Arie will have fallen in love with two women, most likely named Chelsea, Megan or Briana.

After Chris assures us that this will be the most dramatic Bachelor season ever, which better mean someone ascends bodily to heaven before the first commercial, we meet Arie, who is kind of goofy-looking. “This is the most important race of my life,” he says, but not the first not to have its wheels fall off on TV. We see him meet Emily, fall in love, and be tossed aside like the plastic tray your Oreos came in.

He was so in love with her. Wow, was he in love. He was sure she loved him, too. He thought they’d get married. Alas, she dumped him like a stretched-out scrunchy. They confronted each other on After the Final Rose, but instead of closure, Arie was hurt yet again by the cold-hearted, baby-voiced Emily and her Garnier Olia Permanent Hair Color obsession.

Nevertheless, he picked himself up, dusted himself off, and started a great career in real estate that changed his perspective, especially about stainless-steel appliances. Former Bachelor Sean, his wife Catherine, and their baby reassure Arie that it’s worth trying again to find love on a tasteless reality show. In fact, the baby is signed as The Bachelor for Season 43. As we all dream, Arie, too, can have a lavish TV wedding paid for by ABC’s sponsors.

Time to meet the ladies. Chelsea is ready to marry, give her kid a dad, and have it be the hunky Arie. Caroline, from Florida, is also in real estate. If she lands the ring, HGTV will be interested in a series called House and Husband Hunters. Maquel is a photographer who envies the couples she takes portraits of at their weddings. Misha, a southerner and nurse, likes to jump out of airplanes. Tia is from Weiner, Arkansas, where they “have to make their own fun.” That was Roy Moore’s excuse, too.

Kendall likes taxidermy enough to sing about it. Bekah is a nanny, a mix of gentle and nurturing, which she doesn’t seem to realize are similar, a adventurous, and look young enough to inspire Roy Moore to make some fun. Marikh likes to box and co-owns a restaurant; Food Network is interested in her and Arie hosting a show with Guy Fieri.  Krystal helps the homeless while being blond with perfect eyebrows.

We’re reminded that Arie is known as the Kissing Bandit. So far, all he’s stolen from me is 22 minutes I could have spent re-reading Proust. Now the gals are on their way to meet him, but first, he greets Chris at the mansion. Arie admits he is nervous, but excited to add the missing piece to his life. “How have you not found that piece yet?” Chris asks, apparently without input from the script editor.

The realtor comes up first, followed by Chelsea and her off-the-rack Ivanka Trump gown. Kendall comes next in ice pink, sweating bullets. Misha brings him an elephant because they ran out of ideas in Season 17.

Up next is Tia, bearing the gift of a little weiner. Arie claims he doesn’t have one already. We did all these jokes when Anthony got indicted. Britanne and Jenny show up, followed by someone I missed because I sneezed and then Jacqueline. Arie is overwhelmed with their beauty and limited choices in apparel shopping. Krystal greets him in red with giant bows on the tuchus, then makes him do some new-age mind exercise. She won’t last long.

Inside, the gals discuss how cute Arie is, and how gorgeous everyone else is. Jealous rivalry colors the moment, raising the ratings four points. Next, Bekah pulls up outside in a red ’65 Mustang, to make up for her having short hair. The other women envy her creativity and demonstrated ability to handle a stick.

Jenna gestures peculiarly and has Faye Dunaway eyebrows, although she probably has no idea who that is. Jessica gives him a gratitude rock, an omen that her birthday gifts would suck. Marikh talks about spices in her life. Olivia adored him in his season. Becca makes him get down on one knee so she can give him a ring.

Backless, cut-outs, and annoying gimmicks are big this year. Lauren, aka Blond #12, arrives next. Another Lauren follows her, in the role of Blond #13, while Lauren B. is Blond #14. Yet another Lauren follows. They can form a law firm.

Ashley waves a racing flag as she greets Arie,  preceding Brittany #2 (#1 was Brittane) and Amber, who owns a spray tan company. I hope her last name is Brown. The next gal makes him smell her underarm, a ploy that rarely bags any prey that doesn’t have four legs. The next girl arrives in a pointed-cornered bandit mask that Catwoman wore better. A racing car arrives next, bearing Maquel. The women continue to praise Arie’s stellar qualities of nice hair and general cuteness.

Chris reminds Arie about the First Impression Rose, then sends him inside to face the crazed mob. It must be horrible when all their periods coincide. He thanks them for taking time out of their busy lives stuffing dead animals and jumping out of planes to be with him, in exchange for a large paycheck. They toast the night and the large paychecks. Then Chelsea rushes forward to grab him like he’s the last pig-in-a-blanket at the cocktail party. She tells him she’s mysterious, which Arie thinks is a good tactic, especially when you’re also bland and predictable. They are interrupted by Maquel plying her race-car-driving ways. The petty sniping and insults commence in earnest.

Arie tells the next girl that last time, he was more of a boy and now he’s more of a man. At least we hope his investment portfolio is more of a man’s. Some of the diverse women are staged discussing inter-racial dating so Jezebel can write about the 30-second segment. Brittany T. is very attracted to Arie. She brings him outside to race toy cars for a kiss. The race-car theme is exhausted already. She gets her prize, and posts a good review on Yelp.

Arie is serenaded by taxidermy girl before another girl brings him a pizza, and one of the Laurens gives him pineapple. Being a cast-member of The Bachelor is the only job that can’t be replaced by robots, which are too intelligent for it. Jenna grabs his feet and hops around mindlessly, which Arie finds too wacky and all over the place, but he’s intrigued. Annaliese, the one with the mask, wonders when to show her face. Fortunately, she doesn’t look as bad as the Phantom of the Opera. Becca brings questions from her mom, never a good strategy unless your mom is Queen Elizabeth.

Everyone is nervous about the First Impression Rose, even though historically it has never meant a damn thing. It arrives to tittering and small cries of anxiety, much like when Arie arrives at the Fantasy Suite later in the series. My money is on Annaliese or Chelsea or one of the Laurens or a blond. Some of the girls are not getting time with Arie, and are forced to interrupt others or fuss impotently from the sidelines to fill in the moments that there isn’t a L’Oreal ad.

Chelsea questions the wisdom of being first, much as George Washington did when he realized all he got was the one-dollar bill. But she insinuates herself back into Arie’s company. Noisy making-out commences, followed by awkward murmurings of appreciation. “It was awesome,” she reports confidently to the group. The other girls alternately despair and criticize as the spectre of the rose looms before them like the prospect of your 2018 taxes without deductions for medical expenses.

To reward a woman with the rose, Arie wants to have connected with her during the first conversation. “It’s going to be super-hard,” he acknowledges, even harder than remembering the names belonging to the variety of cleavage he’s seen tonight. He sits with Bekah to discuss things they like, like mountains and pizza. He reports that she has set the bar high with her astonishing “I like the smell of pine trees” revelation.

Arie returns to the group to collect Chelsea and present her with the rose, and possibly get more tongue. She accepts it and they hug chastely. She is not competitive, she explains, but when she wants something, she goes for it, just like in a beer commercial. Now it’s time for the Rose Ceremony, which may result in cuts even more drastic than at the EPA.

As the sun rises, the sequinned gaggle files into the room for the ceremony. Some girls are considering whamming others in the knee with a metal bar. Arie appears and declares tonight “amazing,” that he is “blown away,” and further, that “everyone is amazing.”

The first rose goes to Becca K. Marikh gets the next, followed by Kendall and Lauren G. After them comes Krystal, Bekah M., and Lauren S. He really needs to shed Laurens. Seinne gets the next rose, then Caroline and Brittany T. They’re followed by Bibiana, Annaliese, and Jenna. The remaining girls are tense and flustered as they watch Valerie get a rose, as do Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., and Ashley.

Two roses remain. Tia gets one, and the final stem goes to Maquel. So much for diverse, Jezebel will point out bitterly. The losers wander out into the purifying sunlight, hurt, frustrated, and unprepared to face upset stage moms.Everyone else will go to Europe.

The Good Doctor is on next. Even he can’t cure the debilitating condition of being thrown off the first night.

Thrilling preview of the upcoming season!

About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.