Sparkles’ American Idol Tour 2009 Madison WI Recrap
Adam sang: “Sparkles, is there life on Sparkledonia?” picture by Sparkledonia
Greetings all. My name is Sparkles and I have just returned here from my home planet of Sparkledonia. Translation: I’m out on parole. I wasn’t expecting to do another recrap this season. If I would have known I was going to see another show I wouldn’t have used all of my jokes, I mean all of my interesting observations in the SnarkBot3000 recrap. You see my good friend SnarkBot3000 (SB3K) took over for me to recap the Milwaukee show on 8/28/09. Needless to say, not everyone was digging SB3K and she was brutally attacked by those who did not understand her robot ways. Some accused the SB3K of copying some dudes named Jacob and Twop. Who are these people? And what the hell is fanfic? Something tells me I don’t want to know. Anyway, if you do a search for “Sparkles the Clown” on this site you’ll see my recraps from Season 5 – 7 and then you’ll know I’ve been writing lame recraps for quite some time. On a sad note, these accusations of plagiarism upset SB3K so much I had to reboot her and now she has no memories of American Idol. To the SB3K pitchy, Dunkleman and Sanjaya are now just mere words. I guess that’s what I get for sending a robot to do a clown’s job. And to set the record straight, just read my other recraps and you’ll also find out that I am the original glittery alien. So please no “you’re trying to copy Adam” boohay on that matter.
As I said, I wasn’t planning on going but I checked Ticketmaster around noonish the day of the show and there were seats in the front row near the center. As it was a Friday, everyone I knew was working. So this would be a solo trip. No problem because my motto has always been that a stranger is a friend I just haven’t had sex with yet. I just knew I wouldn’t be lonely for long. All I had to do was put on my sparkly clown clothes, my ginourmous clown shoes and my garish clown make up and load up the Sparklebus and head west to our state capital.
The concert was at Veterans Coliseum and it must be one of the smaller venues on the tour. The capacity is only about 10, 000 so it’s about half of what the Bradley Center is in Milwaukee. The Coliseum is on a 150+ acre area that also has an exhibit hall, agricultural buildings, a pond and plenty of green areas. I arrived early so I walked around and took some photos. I saw a beautiful pond. And I saw a sign that said “Please no livestock.” Below these words of friendly warning, some other words on the sign were covered with duct tape. Believe me, it took every ounce of my strength not to remove that tape. What the hell could it possibly say below that? It must have been important. Important enough to have printed on a sign at least. Why is it not important now? Oh well, at least they were all polite like with the “please.”
When I went back to my car a woman in her 60’s, let’s call her Betty Lou, was sitting in her car and asked if they allow cameras. I told her that I’m sure they do but if they ask you if it records video just say no. She held up a bulky point & shoot camera that used actual 35mm film. I thought just about everyone had a digital camera and it’s been a while since I’ve seen one of those. Anyway, she drove 300+ miles from Michigan to see, you guessed it, Adam. She lives in the U.P. so Madison was actually closer to her than Detroit. And she wanted to be in a smaller venue. She had left about 8AM and arrived at 3PM, which was really 4PM her time. Her seat was on the floor and about 15 rows back and I told her I would say hello once we were inside.
When the doors finally opened, I saw security searching bags. I scoped them out and tried to figure out who looked the nicest and/or most inept. I then heard someone say that the camera had to fit in your pocket. Well, at the bottom of my purse was my hard drive camcorder and on top of that was my camera which isn’t exactly small. The security guy saw the camera and said in a really nice voice “oh I’m sorry, but it has to fit in your pocket.” So I responded “can’t you just pretend I’m a kangaroo with a large pouch?” That must have confused him because he responded with “okay, go on in.”
Once inside an usher took me to what he called “the best seat in the house.” The lady down a few seats from me said she paid $150 for her ticket from a scalper, I mean broker. She didn’t seem to be too pleased that I had bought mine hours earlier on Ticketmaster for $62.50 plus fees. I told her “hate the game, not the player” and she responded by giving me the finger. Yeah, Sparkles make friends where ever she goes. There were 3 seats right next to me that remained empty until just before show time. Then a woman and her teenage daughter showed up for 2 of the seats. I found Betty Lou and told her there was an empty seat and she could try to sit there until she got kicked out. But she declined because she said her neck would hurt to look up the whole time.
THE CROWD: Overall, the crowd was older than the Milwaukee show. When I was waiting in line to get in I saw 3 people with those walker things and 2 people in wheelchairs. Lots of white haired folks. I did see some younger kids and some teenagers but mostly adult couples and groups of women in their 30’s through 50’s.
I’ll keep my reviews of the Idols rather brief as the SB3K was slammed for being so verbose.
MICHAEL SARVER: Michael has a lot of energy to open the show. Michael used to work with what the Beverly Hillbillies called “black gold.” I used to like that show as a kid so I like Michael.
MEGAN JOY: I like Megan because she likes the color pink and so do I.
SCOTT MACINTYRE: Being so close I was able to notice the cool black jacket Scott was wearing. It had some sparkly embroidery on it and I like sparkly objects. He also has curly clown hair so I like Scott.
LIL ROUNDS: Lil’s background screen was all hooked on phonics during that Beyonce song. It was like a giant kindle. On acid. I like to read so I like Lil. I like acid so I like Lil.
ANOOP DESAI: I didn’t really notice Anoop much when I saw him in Milwaukee but I must say, up close he’s very handsome. And quite sexy. I didn’t mind the video in the background when he sang “Mad” because when the water drops were on I felt like I was taking a shower with him. And it was quite refreshing.
MATT GIRAUD: Matt really gets the crowd going. He really came alive when he was jamming on the piano. I appreciate any man that can tickle the ivories like that so I like Matt.
GROUP NUMBER: I like both group songs on this tour. I thought the dueling pianos were one of the highlights of the entire night. I thought the guys looked great in their retro rat packy suits. Damn, Anoop looks good in that suit and glasses. I just may need another shower.
INTERMISSION: As usual, I was wearing adult diapers. I would just rather feel the warm embrace of nature’s dampness than wait in a long line. Suddenly Betty Lou showed up and I told her one seat had remained empty the entire first half. Since there was a tall guy in front of her seat she decided to join us up front. But minutes before intermission was over, a woman wearing bright yellow Crocs claimed the seat. Seems she thought that she was too good for the likes of Megan Joy and company but now she was here for the second half. The mom next to me said Betty Lou could have one of our seats because we all would stand anyway, as we did the entire first half. So I had the mom on one side and Betty Lou on the other to block security from seeing me with my camcorder and I managed to get a few videos without getting caught. I’ve heard all different stories about security in the various venues. I wish there was a master list of the venues with ratings on things such as acoustics, security, parking etc. That would be very helpful.
…we now interrupt this recrap to bring you this lame section on the coronation song…
The SB3K wrote the most awesome coronation song called “I Have Arrived.” But my competitive nature compels me to write my own song. Now there are all sorts of rules for these songs and the SB3K had it all figured out. If you haven’t read SnarkBot3000’s Milwaukee recrap I implore you to do so immediately. Just skip down to the song and read the rules so you know what restrictions I had to work with and how challenging this would be. And you might want to read the lyrics too as this is a sequel. Just keep in mind that most sequels aren’t as good as the original. I mean Jaws 2 wasn’t as good as Jaws, Jaws 3 wasn’t as good as Jaws 2, Jaws 4 wasn’t as good as Jaws 3, Jaws 5 wasn’t as good as, well you get the picture.
“I Have Arrived Again, Although I’m Running Late”
I wanna go where rainbows are pretty and unicorns are free
where waterfalls are watery, where I can find my destiny
where my dreams are real, not what I have late at night
where rain clouds are wrong and sunshine is right
I have arrived, yes I’m here once again
I have arrived, I have arrived
Maybe I never left or if I did I don’t know when
I have arrived, I have arrived
Yes, I have arrived but I may be running late
I hope my destiny understands and that it will wait (glory note!)
Destiny please come and get me, I’ll call you on the phone
I’m not sure if I’m late cuz I’m in a new time zone
I never can never figure out if I’m ahead or if I’m behind
so Destiny just wait for me at the airport, if you don’t mind
SPOKEN WORD BRIDGE (this part is spoken in a very pretentious and condescending tone of voice with lots of echo)
Destiny, you must let me have my destiny because if I don’t have my destiny I will not be destined to do what my destiny is. And my destiny is to be destined to live my destiny like no one has ever been destined before. There are no boundaries on MY destiny. And my destiny WILL make you proud. That is MY destiny.
Unicorns have horns and angels have wings
Parks have benches and playgrounds have swings
Alleys have vagrants and gutters have drunks
But we all can live together, who would have thunk? (gee, what should I do here? you guessed it, it’s glory note time!)
Every morning when I wake up I say a little prayer
then I brush my teeth and put on clean underwear
I pray for a world without war where no one can nuke us
And I want a world without swelling, inflammations or mucus
A place with no disease and not one single germ
A world where the lazy ass late bird can still get the worm
That’s my destiny, it’s a journey called life and that is what I live
I must take my destiny for all that it can give, give, give! (now it’s time for the seldom heard, the seldom dared to be attempted, the seldom ever even known to exist triple glory note on the “give, give, give” part. This kicks ass!)
Wow, that was simply beautiful. Seriously, don’t be embarrassed if you have to dry your eyes as I wept the entire time I wrote it. I also vomited but it was a cleansing vomit, not a vomit of a repulsed or sickened nature. Or maybe it was. Oh well, no matter. Megan Joy, if you ever get a chance to make that CD, this one’s all yours, baby. You go girl! You caw-caw it up! Make Sparkles proud!
…we now return you to that lame recrap you really don’t want to be reading in the first place but you keep on reading on the slight chance that it might get better…
ALLISON IRAHETA: I don’t really like the song “Barracuda” because I’m just not fond of songs about fish. I don’t even care for “Row Row Row Your Boat” because where there are boats, there’s bound to be fish. I do, however, like Tim Stewart’s guitar playing on “Barracuda.” He rocks. Anyway, Allison plays a Gibson guitar and I have a Gibson guitar so I like Allison.
DANNY GOKEY: So this is basically Danny’s homecoming concert part deux. That’s Spanish for the number that comes after 1 and before number 3. According to the stats, Milwaukee was 93% sold out. If not for this show, I’m sure it would have been a sell out. Wisconsin loves having it’s very own Idol and is very supportive of Danny.
I know some people don’t like his “inspirational speech.” He was all “if life gives you lemons, try making a nice fruit salad. Don’t let fruit define you.” Why do people think that’s preachy? It’s not like he was all demanding and saying “you must add those little marshmallows to your fruit salad or you’re going to hell.” Anyway, I don’t really mind listening to his speech even though the only thing that can inspire me is a bottle of whiskey and a pair of assless leather chaps. And what it inspires me to do is strictly between me and a dozen or so sailors. Anyway, I like him because he’s from Wisconsin and I’m from Wisconsin (by way of my home planet Sparkledonia).
ADAM LAMBERT: I don’t remember him. Which one is he again?
KRIS ALLEN: Time for our American Idol winner 2009. No bling, glitter or sparkles on this dude, just plaid. But Kris is so dang cute and I like cute things so I like Kris.
GROUP NUMBER: This was a great way to end the night. One last chance to see all of the Idols together. I’m just not sure about that whole “Na na na na, hey hey, goodbye” part. With Danny’s “P.Y.T, ” Allison’s “So What?” and Kris’ “Hey Jude” this night was a little heavy on the “na na na’s.” I could have used a few “oh oh oh’s” or maybe even some “la la la’s” to break it up a bit. And now that I think about it, this year it was all about “don’t stop believing” and last year’s final group song was “don’t stop the music.” What’s with all this “don’t stop” business year after year? My prediction is that next year the final group song will be “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac. You heard it here first.
Okay, now I will comment on the number 2 finisher. I don’t want to use his name because I want his Ãƒ ¼berfans a/k/a the Claymates 2.0 to think that I only wrote those two sentences above. These Claymate wannabes seem to just skip ahead in the recaps to see what people say about him and then they hijack the comments section to either give each other over the top praise if the writer loves him or slam the recapper if they say anything other than he is the greatest performer in the universe. So I admit that I’m doing this as payback for the bad comments left for SnarkBot3000. Am I being passive aggressive? Yes, I suppose so. Immature? Like, totally. Petty revenge? Oh there’s no doubt. But that’s the thing about revenge. Petty or not, it still tastes oh, so sweet. And even though I’ve also heard that bitterness and anger are bad for the complexion, I don’t care. Luckily I’m fortunate enough to have a job that requires 2 inches of thick white makeup all over my body. All the better to hide the giant craters in my skin from all this pent up rage and fury. Anyway, here’s my take on his performance…
Finally someone who sings about things I can relate to, like outer space and being famous. And I love his leather jacket. It looks like a bedazzled version of something out of “The Road Warrior.” If they ever make “Mad Max: The Musical” I think we have our lead. It was really cool seeing him up close too. Quite the performer. I think the tour stats may have rivaled season 6 had it not been for this guy. I like him because he loves leather and sparkly rhinestones and so do I (not to mention that we’re both glittery aliens).
So the show was now over. Sparkles sure gave Betty Lou the V.I.P. treatment. Sparkles put her in the front row, walked her back to her car and gave her a cold bottle of water from the cooler I had in my car. So if in the future you happen to see a clown lurking in the parking lot before an American Idol show, do not shun her. Embrace the Sparkles and ye shall be rewarded.
I just love statistical breakdowns and useless information so I shall carry on that tradition.
Temperature at show time: a bright and sunny 81 degrees
Temperature after the show: a nice 71 degrees
Miles from my house to the venue: about 55
Cost per ticket: $82.40 with all the mysterious “fees” added
Cost per Idol: $8.24
Cost for parking: $5.50
Time the show started: I don’t remember exactly but I think around 7:20
Time the show ended: I think it was around 10:10
Cost of my diet Coke: $3.50
Number of seasons I’ve watched: all of them, of course
My favorite Idol this season: I didn’t have one because I love them all. And by love I mean stalk. I guess you can call me a Micmegottilanattallidadamis fan.
Number of red clown noses I threw at Adam: 3 but unfortunately he didn’t see them. Too bad because he could have brought sexy back to the red clown nose.
Favorite nut: I think I’m going to have to go with the macadamia, although cashews are also very tasty.
Favorite Miley Cyrus song: “Hoedown Throwdown” because there’s nothing like throwin’ down some ho’s (okay, this is based on the title only as I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Miley Cyrus song. Or if I have I most certainly blocked it out My second choice was “Butterfly Fly Away” but that sounded kind of bossy. Why can’t she just let the butterfly sip the sweet nectar and fly away when it’s good and ready? What a bossy control freak that Miley Cyrus is).
Current favorite quote from that great American philosopher The Daughtry: “Lost from the start, I might as well be on the moon. Much colder than I thought even in the month of June” (wow, who would have thought to rhyme moon with June?)
If I could have any super power it would be: bionic vagina. Or be invisible. Or have an invisible bionic vagina. Okay, I’ll stop now.
So that’s pretty much how it happened. Everything I wrote is true except I admit that I sometimes exaggerated for comic effect. For example, I didn’t really wear adult diapers. I wasn’t even wearing pants. But almost everything else is pretty much as I described. But sad as it is, it’s time for me to say farewell. I’m actually quite busy with my next project. It’s a new reality show called “So You Think You Can Be A Clown?” I will be the Simon like judge along with Britney Spears who will be playing Paula’s part of the requisite loony celebrity and Larry the Lobster Boy in Randy’s role, the so called industry insider. I expect you all to watch and vote and, of course, catch the tour.
But before that, you have one more duty and that is to leave a comment. I don’t care if it’s good or bad, I go strictly by the numbers. So the more comments the better. And if there are any lurkers out there who have not yet registered to comment, I demand that you do so immediately. If not, I will haunt you in your dreams until you do so. Just take a look at my photo in my photo link to see the image that will haunt you. That should be all the incentive you need, even though I am quite adorable. Oh yeah, I also have some photos of those people that were singing if you want to check them out too. Until next year my virtual Internet friends, Sparkles over and out.