I’ll be live blogging the MTV Video Music Awards 2013 RIGHT HERE! Watch out for presenters, Adam Lambert, Ellie Goulding, Wiz Khalifa and Fifth Harmony.
Plus Justin Timberlake performs solo and with *NSync and accepts the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. Also… Danity Kane are reuniting!!! *crickets*.
Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Bruno Mars, Drake, Katy Perry and Macklemore & Ryan Lewis will also perform.
Lady Gaga opens the show. And right off the bat she’s scaring the crap out of me. She begins with a cabaret-y open to her new single “Applause.” She looks like a space age nun in white, with a cardboard headdress. Her dancers pull that mess off, to reveal a sparkly leotard. Next they adorn her with a blue jacket. THEN SHE TAKES IT OFF. I’m obsessed with her wardrobe. Bowling balls appear to be involved. OHH A YELLOW WIG. And her painted face. She yanks off the wig. She makes a quick change into her sea shell bikini. The outfit changes are way more interesting than the song. Thank you Gaga, for the distraction.
HERE COME ONE DIRECTION SQUEEEEE. I LOVE YOU HARRY. ZANY I’M STILL CRYING THAT YOU’RE ENGAGED. Shot to Taylor Swift and her STANK FACE. Did someone fart? Also, she might have used the F word there. Don’t worry. The gif is imminent, I’m sure. The boys hand out the Best Pop Video award to Selena Gomez. Taylor is all HEYA for her BFF.
I’m so confused. Who the hell is on stage? Someone doing a pretty shitty impression of Miley Cyrus. (eta: that chick from SNL, Vanessa Bayer) OMG. So Miley Cyrus is “twerking out” and she couldn’t be more ridiculous. She’s so try hard, I am literally feeling second hand embarrassment for her. Drake in the audience looks super bored. So, it’s Miley in a dumb leotard, grabbing her crotch and dancing with giant bears.
But it GETS SO MUCH WORSE. She joins Robin Thicke for a duet of “Blurred Lines.” She grinds all over him, pokes herself with a #1 mitten, wiggles her hips. My embarrassment deepens. Inexplicable, rapper 2chainz joins the melee, and it all goes to hell in a handbasket.
I’ve got to give Robin Thicke credit. He’s game. He just keeps on singing, despite all the weird crap going on around him.
Iggy Azalea and Lil Kim take the stage. Kim looks really out of it. Remember when she showed up to the VMA’s in a pastie? Good times. Iggy is all LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR LIL KIM. After mumbling about yay Brooklyn and hip hop and I don’t know what else, Kim hands out the Best Hip Hop Video to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis for “Can’t Hold Us.”
Kevin Hart takes the stage. He’s not hosting THIS year, but that won’t stop him from riffing on what’s happened so far. Lady Gaga gots some ASS. Miley needs a pregnancy test after all that grinding. Hardy har har. Blarg.
Jared Leto takes the stage. I don’t understand his pants–leather and zippers and… But before I can figure it out, the stage darkens and Kanye West performs an extremely intense “Blood On The Leaves.” A shadowed Kanye throws himself around the stage in front of an ominous forest tableau. There’s a lot of bleeping. Shit finally got real right up in here.
Pharrell Williams, Daft Punk and Nile Rogers take the stage to present the Best Female Video award. Daft Punk stand beside them, uselessly, in their robot heads. This is the reason they blew off Stephen Colbert? The winner is….Taylor Swift for “Trouble.” “I REALLY WANTED TO WIN THIS!!!” she squeaks. Then, she thanks the person who inspired the song. “AND HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHO HE IS.” Yep. She went there.
Ed Sheeran takes the stage to present Best Video with a Social Message and it goes to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for “Same Love.” Macklemore admits this song was the most important record he’s ever written. “Gay rights are human rights. There is no separation,” he says. RIGHT ON BROTHER.
Jimmy Fallon is next to introduce Justin Timberlake as THE PRESIDENT OF POP. A video package plays clips from his many music videos. Then, he makes his intro through the lobby of the theater, up the escalator and to the stage singing “Take Back the Night.” Next, it’s “Sexy Back,” “My Love,” “Cry Me a River,” OMG THERE’S GAGA IN THE AUDIENCE STILL IN HER SEASHELL BIKINI. Then “Senorita” while he makes his way through the audience. Back on stage and it’s “Rock Your Body.”
NOW IT’S TIME FOR *NSYNC HOLY CRAP! “BYE BYE BYE.” Lol. Lance Bass has to look over to check the choreography. That lasted about 30 seconds. All of the hype and that’s it? LOLZ FOREVER. Justin waves BYE BYE BYE to his old band and re-joins his dancers to perform “Suit & Tie.” He finishes his mega medley with “Mirrors.” All in all, that was pretty awesome.
Jimmy presents Justin with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. Jimmy, Jimmy calm down. You’re going to blow a vein. Ha ha. He namechecked “Dick in a Box” as well he should have! It’s an important part of Justin’s legacy. I’m serious.
“I don’t deserve this award, but I’m not giving it back,” he says. “Half of the moonmen I’ve ever won, is with those 4 guys over there. I’m going to share my award with them. This is such an honor.” Props to *Nsync. That was nice.
Kevin Hart is back on stage. “Justin Timberlake just killed some sh*t.” Kevin notes that *Nsync looked a little out of shape. He’s still yammering about Lady’s Gaga’s ass. He’s clearly run out of material. Go away.
The guys from Vampire Weekend take the stage to present Official Song of the Summer. And the winner is “Best Song Ever” One Direction. Harry thanks the fans for voting and director Ben Winston. The boys work in a MOVIE PLUG. Oh noes. Who is booing them? Not impressed by the “Love Will Tear Us Apart” shirt?
Jason Collins (the newly out basketball player) and Asap Rocky take the stage. Jason gives a heartfelt speech and Asap plugs his album. When introducing Macklemore & Ryan Lewis he uses the word Homo-sexuality” alrighty then. That was was awkward. “Same Love” is next. Oh! Jennifer Hudson joins Mary Lambert on the song. Mary seems REALLY nervous, but Jennifer handles it like a pro. That was very unexpected.
Emeli Sande and Adam Lambert are next to present Artist to Watch to Austin Mahone. He’s like the new Bieber. And if you think about it–we need one since the Biebs has gone off the rails. Seriously, he thanks God and his single mother and his friends, who will be his forever no matter what. He thanks his “mahomies.” I never heard of this kid before. In 5 years he’ll be peeing in a janitor’s bucket.
T Boz and Chile of TLC take the stage to introduce Drake. He sings “Hold On We’re Going Home” and “Started from the Bottom.” I can’t stop thinking of him as the Degrassi guy.
Taylor Swift presents Best Male Video to Bruno Mars for “Locked Out of Heaven.” It’s his first Moonman! Aw, and he brought his dad in a crazy ‘stache.
Selena Gomez takes the stage to introduce Bruno Mars. He sings his new song “Gorilla.” The gorilla video backdrop is just so…literal. Solid tune, though. Bruno totally pulls of a retro vibe without sounding hopelessly old fashioned. A classic belty ballad from Bruno.
By the way. Did you see Rihanna in the audience? She looked mostly disinterested when the camera cut to her.
Gordon Joseph Levitt puts on an ACTORLY ACCENT to hand out the Video of the Year award to Justin Timberlake for “Mirror”. The video is special to him, because it’s a tribute to his grandparents. Grandpa passed away in December. ‘This is for you, Granny.,” Justin says. Aw. His proud parents are in the audience.
Allison Williams from Girls adds a hipster touch as she introduces Katy Perry, who is performing her new song “Roar” in a boxing ring set up under the Brooklyn Bridge. She’s got the eye of the tiger! Again. So literal. Katy can jump rope. I’m so impressed. But she doesn’t attempt to jump and sing at the same time. In fact, she doesn’t even attempt to sing, as the song appears to be lip synced to a track.
Oh well. And that’s a wrap.
Winners List.
Video of the Year
Justin Timberlake, “Mirrors” – WINNER
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Wanz, “Thrift Shop”
Bruno Mars, “Locked Out of Heaven”
Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell, “Blurred Lines”
Taylor Swift, “I Knew You Were Trouble”
Best Hip Hop Video
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton, “Can’t Hold Us” – WINNER
Drake, “Started From The Bottom”
Kendrick Lamar, “Swimming Pools”
A$AP Rocky feat. Drake, 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar, “F–kin’ Problems”
J. Cole feat. Miguel, “Power Trip”
Best Male Video
Justin Timberlake, “Mirrors”
Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell, “Blurred Lines”
Bruno Mars, “Locked Out of Heaven” – WINNER
Ed Sheeran, “Lego House”
Kendrick Lamar, “Swimming Pools”
Best Female Video
Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko, “Stay”
Taylor Swift, “I Knew You Were Trouble” – WINNER
Miley Cyrus, “We Can’t Stop”
Pink feat. Nate Ruess, “Just Give Me A Reason”
Demi Lovato, “Heart Attack”
Best Pop Video
Bruno Mars, “Locked Out of Heaven”
Justin Timberlake, “Mirrors”
Fun., “Carry On”
Miley Cyrus, “We Can’t Stop”
Selena Gomez, “Come and Get It” – WINNER
Artist To Watch, Presented by Taco Bell
Twenty One Pilots, “Holding On To You”
Zedd feat. Foxes, “Clarity”
Austin Mahone, “What About Love” – WINNER
The Weeknd, “Wicked Games”
Iggy Azalea, “Work”
Best Collaboration
Justin Timberlake, feat. Jay-Z, “Suit & Tie”
Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera, “Feel This Moment”
Calvin Harris feat. Ellie Goulding, “I Need Your Love”
Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell, “Blurred Lines”
Pink feat. Nate Ruess, “Just Give Me A Reason” – WINNER
Best Video With A Social Message
Kelly Clarkson, “People Like Us”
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, “Same Love” – WINNER
Snoop Lion, “No Guns Allowed”
Miguel, “Candles in the Sun”
Beyoncé, “I Was Here”
Best Rock Video
Imagine Dragons, “Radioactive”
Fall Out Boy, “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)”
Mumford & Sons, “I Will Wait”
Thirty Seconds To Mars, “Up in the Air” – WINNER
Vampire Weekend, “Diane Young”
Best Art Direction
Capital Cities, “Safe and Sound”
Thirty Seconds To Mars, “Up in the Air”
Janelle Monae feat. Erykah Badu, “Q.U.E.E.N” – WINNER
Lana Del Rey, “National Anthem”
Alt-J, “Tesselate”
Best Choreography
Chris Brown, “Fine China”
Ciara, “Body Party”
Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull, “Live It Up”
will.i.am feat. Justin Bieber, “#thatPOWER”
Bruno Mars, “Treasure” – WINNER
Best Cinematography
Thirty Seconds To Mars, “Up in the Air”
Lana Del Rey, “Ride”
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Sacrilege”
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton, “Can’t Hold Us” – WINNER
A-Trak & Tommy Trash, “Tuna Melt”
Best Direction
Justin Timberlake feat. Jay-Z, “Suit & Tie” – WINNER
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton, “Can’t Hold Us”
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Sacrilege”
Fun., “Carry On”
Drake, “Started From The Bottom”
Best Editing
Pink feat. Nate Ruess, “Just Give Me A Reason”
Calvin Harris feat. Florence Welch, “Sweet Nothing”
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton, “Can’t Hold Us”
Justin Timberlake, “Mirrors” – WINNER
Miley Cyrus, “We Can’t Stop”
Best Visual Effects
Capital Cities, “Safe and Sound” – WINNER
Duck Sauce, “It’s You”
Flying Lotus, “Tony Tortures”
Skrillex feat. the Doors “Breakn’ a Sweat”
The Weeknd “Wicked Games
