Tonight we can look forward to a cream-whipping contest, which will not only showcase the forearm strength of our pre-adolescent chefs, but feature little blond Sarah screaming from the sidelines, “Whip IT! Whip it like a MAN!” Yes, gone are the days of the tepid, censor-approved cheering from Howdy Doody’s Peanut Gallery.
The old-before-their-time kids will also be charged with cooking Gordon Ramsay’s signature dish, Beef Wellington. This is not Betty Crocker’s New Boys and Girls Cookbook, with the most difficult culinary challenge being pancakes formed into the shape of circus animals. The judges will not brook soggy pastry or poorly seasoned fillets. It’s back to your Mom’s electric stove in the suburbs if you screw up.
The competition “whips” into a frenzy tonight, begins the witty voiceover guy. The Top 10 troop in and Gordon tells them how great their burgers were last week. Among the best three of those, there’s going to be a competition to earn an advantage in the next challenge–this is the moment of whipping cream. It takes strength, skill, and stamina to whip cream properly, says Gordon, forgetting that Reddi-Whip is right there in the dairy case. You’re going for stiff peaks, adds Joe, further contributing to his reputation as a really creepy person.
Alexander, Kaylen, and Gavin start plying their wire whisks with gusto, spraying cream hither and yon. Alexander actually has a strategy for whipping effectively. He’s like the Steve Jobs of kitchens. From the sidelines, Sarah starts screeching until you expect her head to rotate 360 degrees on her neck. Alexander raises his whisk as a sign of victory; he believes his cream has achieved the desired consistency wherein it will not fall out when the bowl is turned upside down.
Some stepstools are brought out, and Gordon explains that the kids will hold their bowls over each judge’s head to prove their cream is fully and properly whipped. Or that no disgruntled crew members have greased the bowls before the competition.
Alexander goes first, overturning his bowl over Graham’s head. It retains its contents. Gavin’s falls onto Joe’s shiny dome, and Kaylen dumps what looks like pure liquid on Gordon’s head. Alexander and his strategy prevails, although then he proceeds to squash the bowl right onto Graham’s head. It must have been impossible to resist the temptation.
Now it’s time for their first team challenge. Alexander’s rewarded advantage is that he gets to pick his partner of the five groups of two that will compete now. He chooses equally Byronic miniature esthete Troy. He also gets to pick the make-up of the other teams. Pretty good deal for whipping some Carnation. Roen would like to team with Dara, so of course Alexander gives him Jewels. Dara, she of the Minnie Mouse bow, is teamed with Screechy Sara. Jack is paired with Kaylen, leaving Sofia and Gavin as the final team.
They will be cooking the “world-famous Gordon Ramsay Beef Wellington, one of the most difficult in the entire world to make,” Joe tells them, revealing the dish under a cloche. There’s also mashed potatoes and sauted broccolini, “two of the most boring side dishes ever chosen by a supposedly brilliant chef.” For some reason, the kids have crepes on their stations, along with butter, mustard, prosciutto, and everything else that goes into the Wellington.
This is a tag team challenge, also known as partner-nags-from-the-sidelines. Joe says that asking cooks this young to execute this dish maybe out of “the realm of reasonable.” Give ’em that poisonous blowfish sushi, that’ll show you mean to really test their skills. The other judges bitch about all that can go wrong in the preparation. Meanwhile, Troy is mutinying by arguing with Alexander’s recommendations for when to brush on the mustard. This can all only end in the need for another It Gets Better campaign for kid chefs.
As usual, the judges wander around making trouble. Graham tries to undermine the partnership between Roen and Jewels by questioning who’s in charge. The tension is like Nixon and Kissinger in the Oval Office. The cooks have to swap positions and the kids dash for the stoves.
Troy yells at Alexander to remember the order of pastry, crepe, and duxelles, marking the first time in history that a male under the age of 14 has used those words outside of vocabulary practice. Gordon asks another kid, “Where’s the beef?” unironically. Jack loudly hectors Kaylen to flip her Wellington and brush on her egg wash. He will be no fun in bed in a few years.
Gasp! Sarah has dropped the pan with her Wellington on the floor! Gordon declares the news like Cronkhite announcing the death of JFK. Since it remained on the pan, though, they figure they can go with it. In the final stretch, the kids badger each other on managing details and yell frantic instructions to their partners. They’ll all be terrible in bed.
Troy and Alexander present their dish first. It looks stunning, says Gordon, then asks what he will get when he cuts into it, besides coronary artery disease. Tense music plays as he slices the pastry to find it’s “phenomenal.” Graham can’t find fault either. With all that ranting about hard the dish is to make, maybe it’s actually pretty easy if a couple of self-aggrandizing tweeners can slap it together in an hour.
Sara and Dara come forward next. Joe cuts into their Wellington, and as he separates the halves, dramatic music segues us to an ad for Yoplait. Dara and Sara hug as they see the meat’s a perfect medium-rare. Noting that Sara dropped the pan, Joe reveals with a wink that in the back of the house at his restaurants, things often happen that the diners don’t need to know about. Remind me to Google all his establishments and avoid them. Gordon says the girls jumped the bar set by Alexander and Troy, a pair now as glum as a restaurateur with only 2 stars. He then remarks on their young ages. Drink.
Kaylen and Jack present next. Graham says some of the puff pastry on the bottom is gummy, and the broccolini is overdone. Gordon can’t find the “wall” of mushrooms and the beef is slightly overcooked. But they’re only 12 years old, and expecting them to execute this dish may be. . .never mind.
Sofia and Gavin’s beef looks beautiful, says Graham, but accuses Gavin of poor pastry-rolling. That condemnation will stay with him his entire life. Finally, Roen and Jewels come forward. Gordon finds the beef too salty. It’s like eating a mouthful of salt, he continues. You were too heavy-handed with the seasoning, he observes further. What a shame, he adds sadly. It’s a midnight snack for the Salt Vampire, he screams. A cow could make a week’s meal of this, he bellows into a megaphone. Joe complains about the salt, too, but likes the mashed potato.
Gee, who’s going home, I can’t imagine. By the way, when making Beef Wellington, be judicious with the salt.
The judges confer, and we hear Gordon utter “how salty!” among the whispers from the back room. Roen is near tears. Salty tears.
Three teams did a little bit better than the others, Joe says. Four teams used the correct amount of salt. Alexander and Troy, Gavin and Sofia, and Sara and Dara are all safe. Gordon tells the remaining kids that they should be proud no matter what. They were on a reality show long before most famewhores have attended their first casting call. The ones going through to the Top 8 are Kaylen and Jack. Everyone is bereft for Roen and Jewels, especially because of those names their parents stuck them with.
Gordon advises them to keep hold of their aprons, although he doesn’t mention untying the strings from Mom. They walk off, still determined to own their own Calphalon omelette pans before they are 16.
Next week is a Mystery Box filled with icky food and a baking challenge. See you then!
