The tension becomes thick in the aftermath of Finn’s confession to will that he kissed Emma. As a result, the kids of New Directions take over, suggesting the duo face off in song. Meanwhile Sue is determined to get Blaine back on the Cheerios, and she’s willing to don a pink wig to accomplish her mission! Plus, Santana continues to uncover the secret life of Brody.
This week’s Glee was all about feuds. What made it fun, were the musical numbers, which were based on well known dustups between iconic musical artists, including a very recent battle between American Idol judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey. Let’s cross promote network shows by highlighting the dysfunctional relationships of our casts, FOX seems to be saying. Interesting.
So many feuds. It was Will vs. Finn, Sue vs Blaine, Unique vs Ryder, Santana vs. Rachel, Santana vs Brody, Finn vs Brody (basically…everyone vs Brody. Except Kurt, who seemed to no longer believe he was a drug dealer). Also, Ryder met a gal pal on line who is probably not what she seems. Rachel’s pregnancy is addressed, and resolved too quickly. Gotta love Ryan Murphy and his trolly plot devices. Nevertheless, “Feud” was a good episode, full of twists and turns. Even the Lima side of the story kept my attention. And I managed to get over the fact that Kurt was only in one measly scene. Boo.
The episode opens with club leaders, Tina, Blaine and Artie literally taking over the Glee club to resolve the tensions between Finn and Will. If you’ll remember–Finn kissed Emma a few weeks before she was set to marry Will. And, in the aftermaths, things went terribly, terribly wrong. Can you say “Runaway Bride.” I knew you could. Will is so pissed, he accuses Finn of screwing up coffee orders and bringing DIRTY SWEATER VESTS back from the cleaners! Oh Noes! Finn takes a compliment to Ryder (“Congratulations Ryder! Prowess on the football field AND a terrific singing voice are not mutually exclusive!) as a passive aggressive diss. Hm. Maybe it is.
For the first time in Glee club history, the kids give their “fearless leaders” an assignment: Will and Finn will explore and resolve their differences by performing a song together inspired by a “classic musical rivalry.” How can the club win regionals if their leaders aren’t on the same page?
In New York, Rachel returns to the waiting room of a doctor’s office to deliver good news to Santana. False alarm. She’s not pregnant. I KNEW IT. The pregnancy storyline was nothing but a cheap plot device to create a pre-hiatus cliff hanger. Shame on you Ryan! Santana pays some lip service to how the scare is a wakeup call for Rachel to take a look at where her life is heading, but you know we’ll never hear of it again.
Cut to Brody in a fancy hotel lobby, dressed up fancy for a date. We soon find out that Santana was wrong–about him being a drug dealer. He’s actually a male escort (but we knew that already). Brody insists to a fellow gigolo who attempts to befriend him, that he’s only whoring himself out for the tuition money. Yeah right! As Brody leads a middle aged woman off to a hotel room for some sexy times, he begins to sing “How to Be a Heartbreaker.” Rachel, pensive back at home in the loft, joins in. The refrain “I love you…at least I think I do” is spoken by both Brody and Rachel. This relationship is breaking apart.
Is it just me, or did that hotel look exactly like the Lima Inn or whatever, from “I Do”?
Back in Lima, Sue has called Blaine into her office. She’s not happy that he quit the Cheerios after only one day. Blaine insists he only joined when he thought the Glee Club was kaput. He’s too busy with student council and preparing for regionals to join any other activities. The contract Sue insists he signed to be at her beck and call forever and ever (Is Blaine Devon Anderson joining the Cheerios or Scientology?) is, of course, a forgery.
Bottom line, if Blaine doesn’t agree to be her “shiny non-threatening gay,” Very Bad Things are going to happen to him. Only in Glee World can a school teacher get away with threatening a student like that. The camera pans, and we see that Tina has been sitting next to Blaine the entire time. Although Ms Cohen-Chang offers her services, Sue suggests she find a new boyfriend. “Maybe Lance Bass or RuPaul is available.” Tina is never going to live the hag thing down. As Blaine leaves the office, Becky hands him a Cheerios uniform and a spank on the ass. Yikes.
In the McKinley library, Ryder is on the computer chatting with someone whose Facebook photos present her as a pretty young blonde. They’ve been chatting and flirting for a week. Also, deep dark secrets have been exchanged. When online girl asks if anything interesting happened at school, Ryder begins to describe an unfortunate encounter he had with Unique in the hall. She was upset that Ryder got in between Marley and Jake. But that was just the start of something bigger. Unique bristled when Ryder called her “Dude.” It was super confusing, because she was kinda dressed like a boy that day. Nevertheless, she insisted that she’s a girl and should be addressed as such. Ryder refused. Online girl suggests that he get his aggression out by participating in McKinley “feud week.”
Back in the auditorium, Finn and Will are working out which musical feud to take on. Finn thinks the whole thing is silly. Will warns him not to behave like he’s above the kids. It wasn’t too long ago he was one of them. Finn thinks they can talk it out, but Will is not in a forgiving mood. Finn was put in charge of the Glee club because Will felt sorry for him. And after doing him a huge favor, Finn thanks him by macking on his fiancé. “You broke the code of a brother,” says Will. Finn tries to apologize, but it’s pointless. Basically they’ll be doing the assignment. And, says Will, “I’m going to kick your ass.”
Santana enters the loft and is disappointed to find that “donkey face” is still around. Rachel talked to Brody like she promised at the Doctor’s office. He told her the money was from a job he got as a cater waiter. He kept it a secret because he was embarrassed. If a place like that exists, says Santana, they should ALL be working there. She’s right, of course, but Rachel still feels the need to live in denial. Santana can’t believe the woman who stands before her–torn between that “flop high-school ex” and a “waiter with a pager.” Rachel leaves the loft in tears.
Meanwhile Santana sneaks into the bathroom where Brody is showering and snatches his pager.
Cut to Lima as Blaine enters Sue’s office enraged. She didn’t wait long to make those bad things happen. A gift of fancy hair gel was really cement. Blaine will be gelled FOREVER. Also, Sue opened credit cards in Blaine’s name and proceeded to ruin his parent’s credit (SERIOUSLY. Does Blaine even have parents? Where are they when psychos are throwing rock salt in his eyes and ruining his hair do?) Most audacious of all is the airplane banner Sue had flown all over town that read “BLAINE IS ON THE BOTTOM.” We see students laugh as Blaine looks on, horrified.
“That’s completely inexcusable,” screams Blaine. And then this: “AND IT’S NOT TRUE.” OMG, “NOT REALLY.” Yes. Glee went there. And if you ever wondered? Now you know. Once again, Tumblr EXPLODES.
In order to settle their differences, Sue offers to participate in the feud assignment. She’ll play Nicki Minaj to Blaine’s Mariah Carey. If Blaine wins the challenge, she’ll tear up the contract. The battle? Oh it’s on.
Meanwhile, Jake has been ignoring Marley ever since she admitted that she let Ryder kiss her. Jake accuses Marley of leading him on. Ryder shouldn’t have even thought it was a possibility. Blame the victim, why don’t we! She admits that she hasn’t minded two guys both into her, and that it’s not entirely fair. Has Jake totally stopped flirting with other girls? And if some gorgeous girl tried to kiss him would he “back flip out of the way” just to avoid it? She’s got him there. She assures Jake that she loves HIM and would never leave him for anybody. They kiss and make up, but with one condition. Jake wants to give Ryder a wide berth. Marley refuses to do that. Jake balks, but she finally convinces him that she’s trustworthy.
Back in the choir room, Ryder and Unique are playing out the epic Elton John/Madonna feud. Ryder drums and sings “The Bitch is Back” while Unique, in a wig and dress, belts out “Dress You Up.” She hands out tiaras to the girls in a way that makes me want one. When Blaine suggests the two can let bygones be bygones after letting out their musical aggressions, Unique is cool with it. But not until Ryder says she’s a girl. His response is to wonder aloud about which bathroom she uses. Unique leaves the room, very unhappy. “You are a douchebag, dude,” says Jake, “In this room we can be whatever we want to be.”
As Nicki Minaj’s biggest fan, Becky gives Sue tips on how to embody her that include making ridiculous faces and screaming things like, “I’m not putting up with your highness! It’s off with your head! Did you call me Gangster? Every time you patronize me, I WILL TAKE IT BACK.” Poor Tina is at the other end of most of this tirade, “Leave me alone,” she says. Sue screams back, “I WILL KNOCK YOU OUT.” It’s hilarious, and something tells me Nicki won’t find the verbatim mocking of her Idol tirade very funny.
Leading a class for Cassie in the NYADA dance studio, Brody is VERY surprised when Santana strolls into the room. “Just don’t get too close girls,” snarks Santana, “Unless you’re immune to the herpes.” Brody is furious that she stalked him to NYADA. After she boasts that she could outperform anyone at the school, he calls her loud and rude, and that she confuses attitude with talent.
The thing is, she considers Kurt and Rachel her family, and she’s going to protect them from his skeevy sketchiness. She orders him to move out of the loft that night, or she’ll dig even deeper into his secret life and destroy him. And to prove her point, she sings a totally sexy version of Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted.”
Back in Lima, Finn and Will fight boyband style, as the Backstreet Boys and *Nsync, battle for pop culture supremacy. Maybe for a minute or two. Will, Blaine and Jake recreate the marionette dance from “No Strings.” Hanging and dipping from ropes. It’s pretty awesome. Finn, Ryder, Sam and Artie wave their hands around a little and croon “I Want it That Way.” Guess who wins. While they dance, the scene shifts to an imaginary fist fight between Will and Fin, with the two finally embracing in a hug. Finn’s fantasy. He may want it that way, but it’s not the way it happens. Will wants to reconcile with Finn, but he just can’t. Finn accepts defeat, thanks him for everything and walks away.
Santana arrives at the loft with exciting news. She just landed a job at the famous Coyote Ugly bar on First Avenue. Both Rachel and Kurt respond with serious face. Brody told them about the NYADA incident and neither are happy. How dare she just waltz into the school and act like a crazy person? AND WITH A PAULA ABDUL SONG. What’s more, she makes Brody uncomfortable. Wait, Kurt, I thought you believed Brody was a drug dealer? You’re on his side now? Appalled, they ask her to move out. Aw, Rachel, Santana held your hand through your false pregnancy scare, and this is how you thank her? Dang. Fine, says Santana as she huffs out, grabbing stuff that mostly doesn’t belong to her (“Bitch stole my pillow,” says Kurt) “I have what Access Hollywood calls street smarts,” Santana declares in a parting shot, “I’m right about plastic man. And, indeed she is. That’s the thing, as sarcastic and snarky and invasive as Santana is, she’s just trying to protect two people she loves very much. They’ll figure it out soon enough.
Ryder is back online talking to his new “gal pal.” She wants to know all about his feud duet. He admits that he and Unique are still fighting. After Ryder explains that he just doesn’t understand the whole transgender deal, online girl puts it in terms he can comprehend. Basically, absolute truth doesn’t matter. If Unique believes she’s a girl that’s HER truth. It’s all that counts. A light bulb goes off in Ryder’s head. Now he gets it. How can his new friend be so smart?
Back in the choir room and the Nicki/Mariah feud begins! Blaine is all earnest and charming as he croons Mariah’s “I Still Believe” in a dapper red sweater. But Sue effing kills it in a pink wig and neon. She’s got Cheerios and blacklights and feathers. She basically wipes the floor with Blaine’s cute ass. Only Tina votes for Blaine’s performance. E tu Sam? Doesn’t Blam mean anything? Sads. Despite Sue having an unfair advantage, Blaine loses and is now her gay slave cheerleader for life. Jane Lynch’s Minaj homage is absolutely HILARIOUS, by the way. Crazy faces for the win!
It’s after hours, and Marley drops by Finn’s office to say goodbye as he packs up. She has a homemade card for him. She’s grateful for the way he helped her after she collapsed on stage at sectionals. When Marley asks what’s next for him, Finn really doesn’t have an answer. He’s as lost as ever. Speaking frankly, she tells him to “grow a pair” and stop allowing Mr. Shue to define him. She tells Finn that he’s a natural leader. A teacher. He doesn’t need Shue’s approval to do that. “Yeah, but I need a little thing called a teaching degree,” says Finn. GO GET ONE says Marley. DUH.
Ryder walks into a classroom where he’s assembled Jake, Marley and Unique for a truce. Jake is skeptical. “Are you going to challenge all three of us to a feud now?” he says. He apologizes for kissing Marley. “That was so out of line. I’m sorry,” Ryder says. Then he begins making football analogies. “If you throw me the football again, I won’t fumble it.” He’s really got good hands, but sometimes he makes mistakes. Jake admits that it might take a little while. Ryder may not understand everything that’s going on with Unique, but he accepts HER truth. “You’re a girl, dude,” he finally says out loud. He just couldn’t drop that dude thing! Unique begins to cry. But it’s about some popular girls who bullied er on the way home from school, after she decided to walk home “in all my Leslie Uggams glory.” Would a teenager even know who the hell Leslie Uggams is?
But I digress. Immediately, the trio insist on walking her home from now on. As Kitty walks into the room, she offers to protect her too. And if those bitches go to McKinley, she wants their names so she can put Nair in their shampoo bottles. Unique can’t believe the mean girl is treating her like a friend. Kitty chalks it up to her new boyfriend, Puck. Dating him makes it really hard to judge anyone else. And she’d never admit it in the real world, but yes they are friends. And the trajectory from mean girls to full fledged gleek is nearly complete for Kitty! Also, she really wants to win regionals. Artie, Tina and Sam, and probably Brittany will be graduating, says Ryder. (Aren’t you forgetting someone? And WTF at Brittany possibly going in for senior threesies). It will be up to the rest of the club to carry the torch OF GLEE. A place where freak flags can freely fly!
Speaking of freaks? Sue has Blaine standing at attention in his Cheerios uniform. She’s actually pretty gross as she pinches his cheeks and practically declares that he’s her property. Becky gives Blaine a big kiss after Sue announces that the two will co-captain together. Before he leaves the room, Sue throws a red thong at him. “To avoid visible panty lines.” Ugh. Why is Blaine’s behavior so submissive and defferential? Out in the hallway, Blaine begins to giggle as Sam joins him. Their masterplan to take Sue down from the inside is working beautifully! Blam! Slaine! Hooray. Whew. By the way, that shot of Blaine’s butt in his Cheerios outfit was a sweet gift to the gifers, Glee! Blaine’s ass is totally the star of “Feud.”
Brody enters a hotel room to meet his next trick. You guessed it. Santana is sitting on the bed waiting for him. Even after her friends kick her out, Santana still has Rachel’s back. Brody freaks out, “You can’t tell Rachel, please. I’m not proud of this.”
“Save it,” says Santana who has brought along a pal.
The bathroom door opens. It’s Finn! “I’m going to leave you two alone for a little girl talk!” Santana says, giddily.
“You’re a ghost,” insists Finn, “After tonight you disappear from her life forever.” Ah Finn. Solving Rachel’s problems again, as is if she can’t for herself. I hate this dynamic between the two of them. Just reason #2,946 that I’m not a Finchel shipper.
“I love her,” insists Brody. “But she doesn’t even really know who you are,” taunts Finn. “Yet.” As Finn turns to leave, Brody grabs him, “You can’t tell her.” Finn’s answer is to punch him in the face. A knock down-drag out fight ensues, with the two of them breaking furniture and trashing the room as they punch. Who’s paying for THAT?
After Finn has Brody pinned and lands a good, solid hit, he screams, “STAY AWAY FROM MY FUTURE WIFE.” Alrighty. Finn kicks more too-easily-broken furniture as he leaves the room. Oh Finn. Will the writers ever allow you ever grow up? Are you destined to always be a nice, but clueless fellow? It irks me that Brody had to be transformed into a villain to make way for the one and true ship. What, will we find out that Adam runs a dog fighting ring, or likes to eat kittens for breakfast? Grr.
Back at McKinley, it’s time for a song. The kids dance and bond as they sing “Closer.” Because after all that damn feuding, that’s what they are. Oh look. Marley plays electric piano! This Tegan and Sarah song is the bomb. Will watches from the sidelines, as he’s want to do. So many subtle nods to the past in this episode, as New Directions New Flavah go through familiar growing pains. It’s the reason why I enjoy the New York story line so much more. It’s all brand new, while the cycle of teenage life repeats itself (a little ad nauseum) at McKinley.
Ryder is back in the library chatting with online girl. She’s happy to hear that he’s worked out his issues with his friends. He admits that he’s not really crushing on Marley anymore. He wants to meet online girl face to face. As he waits for her answer, he hears typing nearby and looks around. When he turns back to look at his computer screen, online girl has signed off. Oh yeah. Definitely catfished. But who could it be?
Sue confronts Blaine
How to Be a Heartbreaker – Brody and Rachel
Santana – Cold Hearted
The Bitch is Back – Dress You Up – Ryder vs. Unique
Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC vs I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys – Will vs Finn
“I Still Believe” and “Superbass” – Blaine vs Sue
Closer – Ryder, Jake and New Directions