Bachelor in Paradise – Season 1, Episode 6 – Live Blog & Discussion

In a case of overkill unmatched only by Hiroshima and the way I respond to the appearance of a cockroach in my kitchen, this entry in the Bachelor franchise also concludes with visits to a Fantasy Suite by the final six couples. In the last installation of the gripping drama, or romance, or terrifying psychosocial experiment,  Chris Harrison challenges the men and women to either spend the night together in a luxury hotel room, or to return, still single, brokenhearted, and far less likely to be asked to appear on Fallon, to their work-a-day lives, at least for those who have actual jobs. What a Hobson’s choice for those who consult the “talent gigs” section of Craiglists’ job listings.

But first we must learn what happens as two more bachelors infiltrate the crowd tonight. Tensions will surely heighten, and the bar stock decrease, with the arrival of Bachelorette season 9’s Brooks Forrester, whose parents must be nature-lovers, and Tasos Hernandez, an early reject from Andi’s season.

As the show opens, everyone is flabbergasted at the results of the last Rose Ceremony, probably because they have nothing else to react to since no one has ever been seen with a book or newspaper. Sarah remarks disapprovingly that Lacy and Jesse were both drunk, as if that were not the preferred condition under the circumstances. Cody has already told Michelle he’s in love with her, which she’s not ready for. She must speak to him about going slow, and waiting to say that until it’s closer to the end of the three weeks of shooting.

The date card arrives. It’s for Marcus. That means it’s time for some contrived drama between him and Lacy, because otherwise it’ll be like watching a love story between two Muppets on Sesame Street. Forebodingly, Marcus points out that he’s said “I love you,” but she hasn’t. Then, on their date, they have to go down a dark hole. The metaphors just write themselves!  It’s an ancient cave filled with stalagmites and stalactites, which Lacy can’t pronounce because she generally refers to phallic objects by names from the Urban Dictionary. They strip and to go into the water. Suddenly,  a flurry of bats descend, and Lacy screams in terror. Most people’s romances are challenged by money issues or personal tragedy, but not Marcus and Lacy. Their love will be tested by mammals of the order Chiroptera.

Finally, they emerge into a beautiful landscape, confident that they successfully faced their fears together. He tells her she’s afraid to be vulnerable, and she confirms she has trouble revealing her emotions. Wait til she has a severe case of PMS. But she assures him that she’s on the same page as him. Unfortunately, it’s the third page of See Dick Run.

Back at the house, various couples smooch and paw at each other in different locations. Michelle reveals to Jesse that Cody’s emotional intensity is overwhelming. “It went from zero to sixty so fast,” she wails. We see Cody benchpressing a boulder on the beach as she expresses concern that he is too one-dimensional. This from a woman who had to be admitted for observation over the discovery of a secret love letter belonging to a person in whom she had no interest.

Meanwhile, Sarah enthuses about things with Robert as the others delight in how cute they are making out in the ocean. Then Brooks comes galumphing over the beach with his date card. This distresses Sarah because she has a crush on him. This will ruin what she has with Robert because relationships are like shoe-shopping: if you find some you like more after you already bought a pair, you just return those and get the better ones.

Robert marks his territory by wrapping his arms around Sarah, and warning Brooks that he will kill him if he asks Sarah on his date. Brooks considers all the inventory up for sale here in paradise. Nevertheless, he asks Jackie. Zack regrets not branding his cattle to protect it the same way Robert did. Jackie dresses as an extra in a road production of Godspell, and she and Brooks go off on their “amazing date in Too-lum.”  She thinks Brooks is very cultured and worldly, apparently because he wears a Hawaiian shirt, while he thinks she’s nice and cute. They’re just like Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre. He says that sometimes she’s talking, and he finds he’s just gazing at her without listening, just like I do when I watch House Hunters.  Finding common ground, they agree to play foosball.

Meanwhile, Zack agonizes about what’s happening on Brooks’ and Jackie’s date, instead of, say, helping woo her away from him by writing a love letter or finding out what her favorite flower is. Understandably, though, those things wouldn’t provide  interesting footage for the editor to work with. If only he knew that Brooks is bargaining to win kisses from Jackie by prevailing at their game. He is encouraged by shouts of “beso!” from apparently friendly Mexicans at the bar. When the pair return happily from their date,  Zack is so despairing that he excuses himself to be alone with his biceps.

Now Sarah and Brooks horse around together, giggling and flirting. These people trade off romantic attentions more rapidly than the cast of Seinfeld. She decides she must break up with Robert. Then she receives a lovely note from him, offering to light up her life if she meets him on the beach. She asks him how he sees things going after they return home. He wants to proceed with the relationship. She realizes that Robert is the man for her. If everyone could resolve emotional controversy that quickly, there would be no need for therapists.

Now Michelle confronts Cody. He doesn’t know how to do this, he claims, suggesting he has never been in a romantic relationship before. Surprising, as even Moose had Midge. But he’ll go at her pace, and give her the space she needs. She loves his honesty and feels lucky to have him in her life. If they don’t make it in TV, they can get jobs writing the comments on those little heart-shaped valentine candies.

Christy is happy with Jesse, who has all the qualities any girl would want, or at least any girl with the IQ of a small appliance. But Michelle tells her that he has been doing “sexual things” with other girls. Michelle sure is a blabbermouth. Now Christy hates Jesse, but whether she’ll leave is in God’s hands. God is the ultimate executive producer. Fortunately, Tasos has arrived like an avenging angel bearing a date card. He asks Michelle to talk. Everyone is concerned that Cody will kill Tasos in cold blood, which would certainly liven up the show. Fortunately, Michelle suggests Tasos ask out Christy. He does and she accepts. Now Jesse is perturbed.  “I’m not ready to leave paradise,” he mutters, as the camera shows a crab scuttling away. The crab is here for the right reasons.

Christy and Tasos ride off on a speedboat. She will keep exploring her options, one of which is Tasos. They swim among the exotic fishes and sea turtles, but the only fauna he can focus on is Christy, despite her not being natural to the environment. He wants her to feel comfortable, though, and he won’t force anything. He seems like a very sweet guy, but you know, wedding planner?  “Jesse is half the man that Tasos is,” she declares, although it’s apparent that Jesse didn’t have to force her either.

Back at the beach, everyone plays ball games and lounges around.  Zack is still worrying about Brooks, but that evening, he gets the date card. He rushes to ask Jackie. Graham says AshLee is going to be angry that he didn’t get the card. He is whipped. Jackie happily agrees to go out with Zack, while AshLee is indeed very upset. Can’t she and Graham enjoy time together without someone else paying for a dinner in a cave? He’s sitting fifteen feet away from her right now.

Jackie and Zack go to yet another underwater cave, which he hopes will be another step to “a romantical relationship” and which the producers hope will be another opportunity for a scene in bathing suits.  It’s the most amazing date she’s been on so far, she believes, which isn’t saying much, since she’s been on two. Then they drink margaritas and discuss how they could have a connection and that this may be real, not just a means to avoid losing out on a paycheck for a another week. Meanwhile, Brooks wonders if all his progress with Jackie is being undone. Zack and Jackie kiss passionately while standing waist deep in water, perhaps to disguise what’s happening to him below the waist.

Now comes the Rose Ceremony, at which the girls are handing out the flowers.  Lacy tells us that because he came only to a good time with lots of different girls, Jesse is not here for the right reasons. That seems like the right reasons for him. Chris asks if they all feel pressure to “find something,” presumably other than an increased Q score. Zack wants to talk to Jackie. Inspired by Wordsworth, he tells her, “I’m into you.” He presents her with a bracelet, on which she should make a wish, and when it falls off, the wish will come true. In other words, he gave her a chatchke with a cheap clasp. She sits with Brooks next, who paints her nails. He feels that this won him a rose. A better move would’ve been giving her a bracelet that stayed on, and had maybe a few diamonds on it, too.

Tasos and Christy talk next. As she’s telling him she enjoyed her time with him, Jesse interrupts. He has claimed privately that he doesn’t want to leave, but he doesn’t want to start a relationship with a dumb blond–which admittedly she is, but he’s no Neil DeGrasse Tyson himself. He tries to convince her that they could have had something, but she didn’t open up to him. For all her repeating that she hates him, Christy won’t tell him that to his face, or why she feels that way. He decides he’s leaving, which “blindsides” her, although you suspect the arrival of the mail every day blindsides her. Michelle is disgusted at all this.

Jesse announces he’s leaving the show before the roses are handed out. Zack disapproves of the way he treated “the process” of the show, as if it were as important to respect as Olympic tryouts. Lacy and Michelle tell Christy that Jesse must not get away with leaving without being told off. United, they march off to do the deed in their chandelier earrings.

Christy tells him that she knows the real reason he’s leaving. She is aware of what he did to her, Lucy, and Jackie. She tells him he’s a coward, because he is leaving just because he won’t get a rose. All the bachelors who have received a rose have been decorated with the Distinguished Service Cross. He rejects what she claims, mostly because he’s a contrary SOB. Michelle accuses him of also being cruel and degrading, and she is deeply hurt by it. Christy, she continues, is humiliated by his talking about their intimacy to other people. Lacy chimes in, too, until the chorus of high-pitched whines sounds like three lawn mowers running out of gas. He stares at them impassively. He doesn’t care. He knocks back a shot in the van as he drives away, confident that the bad guy wins in the cases. He’ll reappear on Celebrity Apprentice or something.

The time to present roses finally arrives. Only one guy will be ditched now that Jesse has taken off. Marcus raves about Lacy as she offers him her rose. AshLee believes her romance with Graham is meant to be. Sarah is falling in love with Robert, who has made her feel special. Michelle sees Cody’s heart as pure and sweet, and she would be a fool to walk away from him. Christy gives her rose to Tasos. And finally, Jackie. She gives her rose to Zack. Brooks is gone as soon as he arrived. He felt if he had more time, he could’ve had a chance. It also might have helped if the script said he and Jackie got together.

Then Chris announces that this was the last rose ceremony. Tomorrow, everything is about to change. Everyone gasps. What will happen next? We can rule out anything uplifting or meaningful.  Chris says we won’t expect the shocking conclusion. But we can expect that the hype won’t match the reality.

About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.