Bachelor in Paradise– Season 1, Episode 5 – Live Blog & Discussion

After last night’s devastating revelation that AshLee is not Mother Theresa rocked him to the core, Graham was compelled to rethink his entire worldview, which had led him to believe that beautiful women have equally attractive characters. Dismissing the fact that his girlfriend’s outer appearance is largely the product of cosmetic surgery and L’Oreal, Graham agonized to ABC News, “AshLee’s one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever had the pleasure of dating. How can such a pretty girl have such an ugly side to her?” Apparently, he’s never watched any of the Real Housewives shows.

Cody, on the other hand, is much more realistic about life, love, and liposuction, which may be why he showed up drunk last night. This laissez faire attitude ultimately paid off for the goofy-looking personal trainer, who came away from paradise with a new squeeze on his bulked-up arm. Who was it? A hint: Eventually he may find himself asking, “How can such a pretty girl have such a a kvetchy side to her?”

We begin with everyone at the still-in-progress Rose Ceremony puzzling at Graham’s sudden departure from the room. It appears he is overwhelmed by his new knowledge about AshLee. Michelle thinks he’s actually getting ill from the anxiety. It might also be all the liquor.  AshLee just does not care, though. She stays right there waiting to present her rose. To be fair, if my dress were that tight, I might be nervous moving too suddenly, too.

Graham finally mops himself down with some water and returns to the ceremony. So maybe he really doesn’t really care that his girlfriend is a judgmental meddler. AshLee picks up right where she left off,  happily calling his name. He steps forward and accepts her rose as both Clare and Lacy express disgust. In fact, Lacy is so distraught she wants to throw up, and rushes from the room, chased by a camera, into a bathroom. For some reason, she requires her dress to be unzipped when she throws up. Marcus wants her to go to the hospital. He’s terrified for her, mostly that she might be pregnant.  More likely the violent nausea is from watching the previews for next week.

Chris Harrison stands by impassively through all this, then explains that they will continue without Lacy and Marcus.  The show must go on, at least until someone gets an allergy attack from sniffing a rose. Michelle gives her rose to Cody, and Sarah gives hers to Robert. Jackie is next. She chooses Jesse. Marquel is sunk, leaving head in hands. Kalon we already knew was toast.

Marcus watches the medics transport Lacy from the ambulance. She has inflammation of the intestines and dehydration. He lies with her on her gurney as the IV drips into her arm. He’s a little too concerned, though. This may be a case of Munchhausen’s syndrome by proxy. That could be another show, though, so good on ABC.

Next day, Clare is prepared for a new week in paradise. She is convinced that she and Zack have a connection and are “inbreakable.” This reads like every moment on Chopped when a chef expresses certainty that he has won the round, and is immediately bounced. Then Christy arrives on the beach with her date card. Sarah wants to talk with her and point out who’s with whom. Because so many people are coupled up, Christy will just have to go with her heart, or the producer’s heart. She offers the date to Zack since he is her first choice. Just as he and she are alone together, though, Clare greets the others, who inform her that Christy and Zack are talking. Clare’s face is magnificent to behold.

She talks to Zack, possessively touching his face as he explains that he told Christy “no” to the date. This is satisfactory. After all , Clare wants a man who knows what he wants–but not if he wants someone other than her. Sarah then introduces Christy to Jesse. Christy is aware of Jesse’s terrible reputation but hopes he has changed, because counting on that kind of thing pays off as often as my tickets for the Mega Millions.

On their date, Christy and Jesse stroll through a small colonial town. Jesse declares her “superfine,” and expresses gratitude that he’s in control this week because all the men are safe, so he can just live it up. That was the plot of a Jane Austen book. Christy describes a history of dating douchebags, which he relates to. Overall first date rating: “awesome.”  Evidence for same: non-existent.

Sarah has a date card now, and asks Robert. They drink wine together as she anticipates getting a kiss already from this guy. Awkwardly, he suggests a swim. They embrace in the water and murmur to each other, then he finally moves in for the kiss. She enjoys it. Everyone else is bored silly.

Back at the house, Cody is coming on strong to Michelle. He paints her toenails, does head stands, and tells her “It’s you or no one.” How long has it been, fourteen hours?  She’s scared, and tells him so. She should also tell the proper authorities. Then she remarks coquettishly how big his thighs are. Elizabeth Barrett Browning for the masses.

Jesse and Christy return joyfully. Jackie looks concerned. She’s onto them–Jesse can’t fool her. She knows he prefers a bubble-headed busty blond to a vacuous brunette B-cup any day. Meanwhile, Clare cannot shut up about Christy having asked Zack out. “What did  you say to her?” she demands of him hours later as they are supposed to be cuddling romantically under the night sky. He tells her that he wonders if their relationship is a good fit. Gee, what could be making him have second thoughts? Her hair visibly stands on end. When he explains he’s simply figuring out a relationship that is not as old as the milk he put in his coffee that morning, she barks at him, “Either you’re into it or you’re not into it,”  and leaves. He is confused. He was only trying to tell her he couldn’t play Misty for her until this song was over.

Clare has fled into the jungle, complete with subtitles.  The cameraman has to chase after her, so the scene features the kind of hand-held jerkiness reminiscent of a Sasquatch hunting video on NatGeo. She’s having a panic attack, she cries. Wait’ll she sees one of those giant flying bugs out there, then she’ll really have a reason to panic. Later she returns to the house and tells Michelle she’s leaving because she did not come here for drama, even though she’s the one creating it. She’s also not here for games, she asserts. But is she here for the right reasons?

She goes and wakes up Zack to explain how what he said caught her off guard. Guess how off-guard he is right now. She tells him she didn’t listen to her gut with Juan Pablo–although she did listen to her crotch–and she wants to listen to it now. But it’s not her gut telling her this relationship is a goner, it’s Zack. Anyway, she’s going home. He tries to comfort her by saying he wanted them to be magical and perfect, but it’s too late. Their story arc has concluded. Then Michelle butts in to find out what’s happening.  A sobbing Clare pauses to do a talking head interview before collecting her bags and going to the van, with Zack practically pushing her in. As she drives away, she regrets not doing DWTS instead.

Now they are six and six, a rose for everyone. The complacency doesn’t last long, though, as another girl comes along. It’s Lucy from Juan Pablo’s season. “I don’t think she had any panties on,” muses Cody insightfully. Next thing you know, she appears naked on the beach and asks Jesse on the date. Christy is distressed. “Don’t make out with Jesse–I already did,” she advises Lucy, as if Jesse were a loaded dishwasher that Lucy was about to run through the cycle a second time.

Their date is among some ruins, where Jesse can’t wait for Lucy to take her top off. “I don’t know where we go from here because I’ve already seen your bleeps,” Jesse comments, clearly a man with vision. She likes him.

Michelle gets a date card next, and of course asks Cody. For some reason, their date includes taking engagement photos. The photographer then asks them to change into wedding outfits, which freaks Michelle out. What on earth is the point of this childish exercise? This is upsetting because she’s already been married and it failed.  It’s also upsetting because  everyone else got dinner dates and afternoons swimming in underwater caverns. But she appears in the strapless white gown, carrying a bouquet. Cody loves it, despite the large black plastic clips holding it together in the back. “You look so tan,” he marvels. He is a man of simple, earthy tastes.

Now Graham and AshLee are going on a date. He must be over his dehydration. In fact, he’s positively oozing. They go to a race car track and drive fancy vehicles. This compels Graham to compare AshLee to handling an expensive new car. He is a man of annoying, inane impressions.

At the beach, the paired-up people are smooching and cuddling while Christy bemoans her single status. Her giant implants should be keeping her company. Marcus blathers that he’s figured out what true love means by meeting Lacy. He must tell her! He does and she is all shivery with joy. Meanwhile, Jesse and Lucy share a kiss and hope the cameras missed it. As if. Everyone gathers at the bonfire and drinks. Seeing Jesse with Lucy, Christy is humiliated and wants to go home. But first she confronts him, for not being faithful to her when they met a full ten hours ago. Soon they are making out. “He’s one hundred percent honest,” she declares. I give up.

Everyone troops in for the Rose Ceremony. Zack wants to “open his heart” to opportunities with other girls. He starts with Jackie, probably since she’s the only one available who’s not one of the housekeeping staff. So now the showdown is between Lucy and Christy, who both apparently slept with Jesse, the honest manwhore. “You are one of my favorites of all time,” he tells Christy, as though she were a pitcher for the Red Sox. She’s thrilled that her open legs have made his decision about whom to give his rose easier.

Lucy feels that if two friends, such as she and Christy, are interested in the same guy, they should not be friends. Wow, someone worse than Kalon. She tells Jesse she’s not ready to go home, as if that’s his concern. Christy thinks it would be awful to be the one girl that none of the guys wants. It seems to me that that would be a mark of honor.

Time for the ceremony. All eyes are on Zack and Jesse, although it’s hard not to stare at Cody’s weird hair, too. First up in Robert, who gives his rose to Sarah. Graham’s goes to AshLee, and Cody presents his to Michelle. Marcus yadda yadda yadda with some flowery speech about being blessed along with soaring orchestral music like Bertolucci is directing. Chris looks bored. Next comes Zack. He gives the rose to Jackie, because who the hell else is there? Finally, it’s Jesse’s turn. The rose goes to Christy’s chest, because he can’t remember Lucy’s name anyway.

“At this point, anything can happen,” Michelle says, as if in previous weeks, it was all so predictable. It looks like what does happen is that Lacy has walls up that Marcus must knock down, most likely made of some silicone product, while a new guy intrigues Sarah, and Christy is angry about Jesse having boinked Lucy. Another day in paradise!




About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.