Danielle and Jackie are the new gals arriving tonight, so update your spread sheet, bingo card, or dart board as necessary. Apparently, Chris Bukowski sustains an injury “in the ocean,” although it’s not clear whether that occurred by means of shark bite or a genital sprain resulting from submerged sexual congress. He must depart the show without scoring a mate, as he usually does. Maybe he can appear on Amazing Race next, so he can visit foreign locations and cry a lot on TV with someone who actually wants to spend time with him.
In a novel development, it looks like Marquel might finally get some action, as two of the girls glom onto him this week. For those of you who appreciate that BiP offers a nuanced anthropological view into a unique microcosm of the human condition, or who just enjoy bitter, revengeful tweets by former bachelorettes who have been insulted on the show, check out this insightful screed that examines Marquel’s swift transmogrification from sweet, adorable, prime boyfriend material into a coldly appraising and calculating lout.
And so it begins. . .we open with a debriefing of the moments following the last Rose Ceremony. Everyone has opinions about why Elise gave her rose to Chris instead of Dylan. You’d think the producers would’ve explained all that in the meeting. Michelle has decided that Marquel deserved her rose, despite that comment about her being a lush. After all, he was kind enough not to point out that she also wears too much eye make-up and has a screechy voice.
Back at the house, Danielle has moved in. She gets the first date this week. How will she pick a guy? A frequently posed question on this show, along with “What shall I drink next?” and “Which bikini shows the most cleavage?” Danielle chooses Marquel, whom she first cottoned to during his season. Michelle is displeased, but maybe she’ll get lucky and Danielle will have an eating disorder that Marquel can disapprove of.
On a side note, if you cared to calculate it, you would likely find that the period of the broadcast devoted to footage previewing the scenes to be aired within the ensuing five minutes would equal or exceed the length of time given over to the entire show.
In a move to remain relevant, Michelle declares she is now over Marquel and into Robert, although she thinks he’s mad at her. Meanwhile, Marquel and Danielle leave for their date. They fly on a small plane to Campeche. “This could be my first date with the man I’m going to marry,” Danielle sighs optimistically. That is, unless she is alleged by a third party to have said something offensive about Marquel behind his back.
In opposing segments that logically should not require a director but surely utilized one, Robert and Graham lounge around and discuss things, and Clare and Michelle lounge around elsewhere and discuss the same things. Nobody arrives at any substantive conclusions about the topic in either case.
Then Elise is awarded the next date. She is giddy with excitement, although that’s her reaction when she pops bubble wrap. She goes to invite Chris, who is lounging around in yet another location. He is cock, although that’s his reaction when his PIN number allows him entry to his bank account.
She brushes her teeth sexily in preparation for the big evening. Meanwhile, Chris has popped his knee. A medic is summoned to apply an ice pack while Chris moans and grimaces. Let us hope this is not his O face. He fears he can’t go on his date with Elise, unless it’s an afternoon doing the ALS ice bucket challenge.
Marquel and Danielle stroll along in an old hacienda, arriving at a place where they can strip to their swimsuits. While four-fifths submerged, they discuss being honest with their feelings. Who are all these people being dishonest with their feelings all the time? Marquel does not find it creepy that Danielle liked him from watching him on Andi’s season. What’s creepy is having an audience of millions watch you talk about relationships while you’re swimming.
A thunderstorm starts brewing, and the couple and the crew flee the scene. Maybe God is trying to tell them something.
Back at the house, Michelle helps Elise with her hair. She is over Dylan! No sitting around eating Haagen Dasz out of the container and stalking his Facebook page for her. Chris “means hope” now. Elise knows he’s ready, and is not afraid to fight for what he wants. He certainly makes a concerted effort to be on every Bachelor show in the franchise.
On the beach, the rest of the crowd discusses whether these two will sleep together on their overnight date. And did you hear what Susie said to Tommy in the cafeteria? For his part, Chris is in serious pain, but is committed to getting to the sex part of the date. The couple boards another tiny plane, the kind that are always crashing in jungles and inspiring TV movies entitled Nightmare at Miedo Island.
Michelle is nervous about getting a rose from Robert. She and Clare plan to prove to him and Zack that they want to stay on the show, so they devise a double date. Clare tells this to Sarah, who had given Robert her rose last time. That’s a pretty two-faced way to treat a one-armed person.
Elise and Chris stroll a lovely town and arrive at a hotel for dinner. It appears no one has paid the light bill. Chris is romantic, she sighs, a gentleman, and her soulmate. He thinks she’s hot, and he cannot wait to spend the night with her. She describes how he is the person she wants to spend her life with, an at least the part of her life that is televised. Rather than flee in terror, he produces a card. She is thrilled to see their names together on the front, although she appears to have trouble reading in general. Will they use two keys or one? Can she count past one?
They decide to get in the pool, she in a sequined bikini. According to this show, Mexico is nothing but wall-to-wall ruins, pools, and rustic hotels lit by candles. His painful knee will not prevent him from ravishing her, he insists. He is not afraid to fight for what he wants.
Back home, Michelle and Clare prepare for their double date while Sarah mopes alone. She worries that Michelle is prettier and more put-together, thus Robert will prefer her. In an aside, how does she do a self-exam on her right breast?
Michelle cynically tells Robert she knew he was The One when Sarah gave him her rose. And she really is here to try to find The One. The Only is another story. Alone in her room, Sarah weeps, wiping her eyes with one hand.
Marquel and Danielle return from their date. They are satisfied with each other and the dailies from today’s tape. But of course, anything can happen. Like Jackie arriving! Marquel thinks she’s something else, even though she arrives in near-total darkness and swathed in folds of fabric. She is gripping a date card. Zack also likes Jackie, because he wants to be known as Jackie and Zackie.
She is advised to choose any guy she wants for her date, regardless of who is currently matched with whom. She picks Marquel. Danielle is “just, like, wow.” She and Michelle apply to the IRS for tax-exempt status for their non-profit organization Women Resenting Marquel United.
After Danielle complains about Marquel for a while, Graham and AshLee are revisited. She thinks love is about believing in the same things. He thinks she should shut up about him meeting her father this early in their relationship. She has a date card, though, and when she invites him, he is agreeable. She applies lip gloss from a tube and enthuses about their connection as he explains to the camera that they better work out their issues before he hands over any roses.
Lacy and Marcus go for a walk and cuddle in a pool. They’re pretty secure in their matching level of self-involvement. Danielle and AshLee discuss Danielle’s dilemma. The editor for this show must have quite an impressive system for figuring out how all these clips fit together.
Marquel and Jackie visit some Mayan ruins. They are not seen climbing a huge, steep, ancient staircase, but there they are sitting at the top to talk about relationships. Love to her is that attraction, but also a best friend quality and a feeling of comfort, which you achieve by having cameras aimed at you round the clock. Marquel thinks she’s gorgeous. I see a disturbing resemblance to Little Debbie, but chacun a son gout. He tells her that as a rule, he does not kiss on the first date, but hey, he’s game if she is.
Chris and Elise are now at the hospital because his knee is so severely injured. Maybe he’s in the room next to the crew member who jumped off the balcony. He leaves with a huge splint on his leg. A cold shower eliminated the need to splint anything else. But this development hasn’t shaken Elise–she wants to take care of him. “It’s a turning point in our relationship,” she tells us contentedly. “This is my man forever.” She begins boiling water for a bunny.
Sarah is concerned that Elise is muy loco. She’s fallen hard twice in only two weeks. Sarah advises Elise to be careful. Elise sees no problem here. Clare and Zack appear to be amused at Sarah valiantly trying to counsel a deeply disturbed woman, but then so is the rest of the audience.
Next, on the beach, due to that poor editor’s understandable confusion, Clare and Zack discuss the Rose Ceremony’s implications. Clare cries about her dead dad, a technique she perfected while on Juan Pablo’s season. She feels the true test of a man is his behavior when things get serious, such as they did here in paradise over the past few days, when her contrived pairing with Chris didn’t work out, and she risked being bumped from a reality show for the second time in a year. Zack is her rock under these heartwrenching circumstances that would try the strongest person.
AshLee and Graham go to dinner. Maybe they just keep reheating the same meals, since no one ever eats them. She follows his Instagram, so she knows what kind of person he is. Fake-sepia or fake-Polaroid? But this is their first date, and Graham doesn’t want to put “too much pressure on forever.” What a killjoy, demanding to postpone talk of marriage until a second or third date. But he’s the cautious type who won’t change his Facebook status to “in a relationship” until he knows it’s true love.
Now it’s time to consider the two-keys-or-one issue. AshLee knows Graham wants separate rooms, but she says her heart is open. So that’s what they’re calling legs these days. “I don’t like to rush things, I don’t like to force things,” AshLee announces. “But we could have some hot babies.” On their next date, she will discuss Roth IRAs and purchasing side-by-side burial plots.
As the cocktail party begins, tension is high. So many girls want Marquel to give them roses, and Robert’s choice is hard to gauge. Clare feels there are four solid couples, notably Chris and Elise, now that she has sacrificed a goat to the Mayan gods to ensure their eternal togetherness. Michelle tries to winnow her way between Robert and Sarah after she sees something going on between them. She’s been super, super honest with him, she asserts, and he’s pushed her away. He has no idea what the hell she’s talking about.
Danielle believes in the process, that you can really find someone to love here. Sure, try the boom mike guy. She is realistic, though, that the ball is in Marquel’s court as to whether he will give his rose to her or the girl whose picture is on the box of Zebra Cakes. Jackie wants to stay and make this her home for a few more weeks, so she’s counting on Marquel to help her out. Nobody cares what Marquel wants. On the other hand, it seems he just wants a piece of tail, so to hell with him.
Finally, it’s rose-giving time. Graham goes first, giving his to AshLee. Zack presents his to Clare. Marcus, of course, gives his rose to Lacy. They’re as sure a thing as Joanie and Chachi, only with more silicone. Then comes Marquel. Breath is bated, mostly in reaction to his fugly shirt. He draws out the moment, or the director does, then gives the rose to Jackie. “I followed my heart,” he declares afterwards, although more likely another organ dictated the decision.
Robert is next, his heart burdened by the realization that whoever does not get his rose will go home. He gives it to Sarah. That’s nice. Michelle shakes her head disgustedly, unappreciative that she got an awful lot of air time this week. The final rose comes from Chris. Elise looks smug. He calls her forward, says she is special to him–but he can’t give her the rose. What! The room rocks from the revelation, since increasingly militarized police forces and poisoned drinking water from fracking are getting boring by now. But it’s because Chris and his knee must leave, and he wants her to come with him. She accepts the offer. His fate is now sealed. The restraining order will be filed within six weeks.
He can still give his rose to someone, though. There is one person here that he believes deserves true love, he says, and that is Michelle. he doesn’t elaborate, though, because “contractual obligation” isn’t very personal. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done, the kindest words I ever heard,” she weeps gratefully. It was meant to be. Maybe one of the incoming bachelors will be a psychotherapist who will help her work on her self-esteem issues.
Everyone is dubious about Elise going with Chris, though. They just met, for heaven’s sake. After all, everyone else here has known each other for several more days.
Next week will be a two-day television event, although I like to call it a two-day persecution event. On Monday, Chris the Host intones, Paradise becomes Hell. On Tuesday, “something so right goes so wrong,” meaning I have to watch this show instead of Chopped.
