Now that we’re three weeks into the X-Factor USA live shows, several things have become clear. First, someone needs to check the expiration date on Steve Jones’ warranty to see if we can trade him in for a newer model without circuit damage. Second, Paula Abdul has, for reasons unknown, retired her infamous seal clap, making her motor skills appear far too developed for my liking. And third, that the judges as a whole (Normal-clapping Paula included) are doing a piss-poor job of taking a show that has enraptured the United Kingdom for seven years and making it enjoyable for an American audience.
Since it’s probably too late to bring Cheryl Cole back to save the day, here’s a list of things each judge can work on to change X-Factor USA from ‘blah’ to ‘HURRAH’–
1. L.A. Reid – For someone who was supposed to add credibility and legitimacy to the show, Reid has surprisingly turned into the biggest joke of all. It’s hard to believe that this cranky, out of touch geriatric is the same person responsible for the chart successes of modern acts like Justin Bieber, Rihanna, and Jennifer Lopez (he executive produced their latest albums). Despite the pedigree he came in with, Reid has been utterly disappointing as a mentor. Granted, his contestants aren’t the strongest vocalists to begin with (actually, Astro isn’t even one at all), but picking dated 1980s adult contemporary songs seems to be his go-to for both of his singing acts. In the past three weeks, he’s done absolutely nothing effective to help his acts with the limitations they face as artists in today’s music landscape. Marcus Canty’s spastic gesticulations on stage still come off like a sordid mix of Bobby Brown and Eddie Murphy’s ‘Dreamgirls’ character rolled into one. Chris Rene’s inability to sing in key is only exacerbated by songs that force him to rapidly switch back and forth between singing and rapping without allowing him time to adjust to the music and get on pitch. And Astro, despite his undeniable talent, still comes across like he’s copying the rapping style of established artists rather than cultivating his own. L.A. Reid’s faults extend to his judging style as well. There’s nothing worse than someone who thinks they’re funny when they’re not, and Reid’s clumsy attempts at humor (“You’re my favorite girl group left in the competition!”, “I was expecting the sink to come out. You know, the kitchen sink? You guys don’t get it?”) do nothing to endear him to the audience. And worst of all, in an effort to outdo Simon, he comes across as unnecessarily cruel at times. I mean, Stacey Francis bugs me as much as the next guy, but L.A. Reid telling her he liked her better “when she was crying” after her uptempo performance last week was tasteless and unnecessary.
2. Nicole Scherzinger– Though I would have preferred to see Cheryl Cole on the panel, I don’t dislike the ex-Pussycat Doll quite as much as most seem to. She does seem to at least take criticism toward her acts on board and change it the following week, which is a plus. And though she’s not the most scintillating personality, with Paula and Simon at the same table, she doesn’t have to be. My main issue with Nicole as a judge is the way she’s allowing herself to be perceived. Let’s not forget, this woman was in one of the biggest pop acts to come along in the past decade. She’s got a pretty good voice, and even her solo efforts have done relatively well across the pond in the UK. Why, then, doesn’t she pull herself together and act like an authority figure. One could argue that her success and vocal range make her more qualified to judge an act’s singing than Paula Abdul, but thus far, all we’ve been treated to is a mélange of crocodile tears and unnecessary platitudes for each act. As the only person on the panel to achieve contemporary success as an artist, I would think that her opinions on vocal performance, choreography, and image would be valuable. But it’s clear that until she starts taking herself seriously, she serves no purpose apart from crying on cue and telling each act what a special snowflake they are.
3. Paula Abdul– It’s hard to criticize Paula too much when she got the reject category to mentor in the first place, but she could certainly have handled her acts a little better so that their inevitable eliminations didn’t come so early. Groups are a problem, even on the UK version of the show, in that they rarely connect with the public as well as solo artists. The solution, it seems, is to give them ultra-contemporary song choices and make them extremely hip and current. Groups like One Direction and Little Mix in the UK got this kind of treatment and made it further than most expected. Granted, InTENsity was a hot mess from the start, but Paula could have given both 4Shore and Lakoda Rayne more modern song choices to help them appeal to young voters, which is key in this kind of competition. Moving forward, I think she should scrap the 1970s Americana vibe she’s shoving on Lakoda Rayne and give them younger songs by relevant artists in their genre like Taylor Swift, Julianne Hough, and Carrie Underwood.
4. Simon Cowell – Since he’s had over seven years of experience on the UK X-Factor, it’s obvious that Simon has done the overall best job with his acts. However, that doesn’t mean that there’s still not room for improvement. Simon has to make sure that he shakes things up regularly with his girls since the USA voting public has a way shorter attention span than he’s used to across the pond. In the UK, contestants like Rebecca Ferguson have gotten all the way through to the finals without ever having to try uptempo numbers or any songs from the last decade. In America, people lose patience quickly. If Melanie Amaro and Drew don’t change up their ‘usual’ style soon, they will get the dreaded ‘boring’ tag and be eliminated midway through the competition. He needs to make sure that all three of his girls remain fresh and relevant at all times. Though an Etta James or Whitney Houston ballad is fine every now and again to showcase his acts’ vocal range, he needs to generally stick to the kind of music being released and bought by the public in 2011. With females like Rihanna, Beyonce, Ke$ha, Britney Spears, Katy Perry, and Nicki Minaj ruling the roost these days, there should be no reason why his acts don’t all make it to the very end.
Is there anything you think the judges work on moving forward? Anything that they can do to improve their acts? Let me know in the comments.
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I look forward to hearing from you all!
