Another results night, the first for the semi-finals, starts at 9 EST on NBC. We’ll also be subjected to performances by One Direction, who have appeared on every current network show short of the farm report, and recent The Voice winner Cassadee Pope.
The top acts tonight are difficult to predict. Did Howie’s cruel dismissal of Jonathan Allen as a mere “Justin” rally the voters to his side? Was Catapult’s marine-themed shadow dance too confusing for viewers who are not marine biologists? Will a single piece of falling crockery spell the end of Red Panda’s second chance on AGT? The answers to these and other questions, such as how long it takes to glue all those little rhinestones to the foreheads of the girls in Innovative Force, may be learned tonight.
Let’s roll. Nick Fashion Report: Teal suit with navy ruffle-front shirt. I guess they’re running out of color combinations that actually work. After the typical review of all the contestants backstage clapping for each other and reacting to the judges, including a disturbing close-up of an Innovative Force girl’s chest, Nick introduces the scene in the Snapple All-Natural No-Talent Suite. Red Panda has popcorn in one of her bowls, which I suspect may be the best use for them after tonight.
One Direction is on stage with Nick when we get back. The audience is screaming like the theater is on fire, which might be preferable.
In the Suite, Nick asks Forte about Josh Groban tweeting his support, and in news filed under Dog Bites Man, they inform us that they appreciated it. Taylor Williamson reports that there were young girls screaming for him outside the theater, but they probably just wanted to ask him to get One Direction’s autograph for them.
Cassadee Pope performs first. It’s surreal when a reality competition show has a guest performer who got famous for winning another reality competition show. Cassadee has wide blond streaks in her hair, which makes her look like Alexandra from Josie and The Pussycats. Also like Alexandra, she’s a character who can’t sing.
Now for the first result. Innovative Force, Tone the Chiefrocca, and Red Panda step forward. Going into the Top 12 is. . . Innovative Force. The girls scream, hug, and cry. Wait til this bunch all hit puberty at the same time; they’ll be able to power downtown Las Vegas with the hormonal surges.
Next results are among Duo Resonance, Jonathan Allen, and Forte. Aw, poor Jonathan. Forte looks multi-culturally smug, and indeed, they get the spot.
And the next results: Angela Hoover, Taylor Williamson, and Collins Key. Hmm, comedian vs. comedian. Collins wins the first spot. Next time, he will show us magic we’ve never seen before, he assures us. How about just shutting up about being single; that would be really magical.
Between Angela and Taylor, the next spot goes to him. The judges look bored by the news. Apparently, his fans are called Taylords. I would call them humorless, but okay.
Dave Fenley, Catapult, and Cami Bradley are the acts left to vie for the two spots remaining, but first we’ll hear from One Direction, unless we mute our TVs. To quote Taylor Swift, shut the f**k up. Selected members of the audience leap around, scream uncontrollably, and wave their arms, some covering their faces and weeping with rapture. The season pass, generations are born and die, and still, teen idols with bad hair, questionable fashion sense, and sub-par singing ability continue to overwhelm young girls with giddy emotion. And Tiger Beat publishes on.
After a review of next week’s acts, many of whom I forgot about or tried desperately to, we are back to hear Howard’s choice for wild card. It’s Leon and whoever, the illusionist act.
Now Nick calls up Dave Fenley, Catapult, and Cami Bradley. America chose Cami. She’ll remain in the competition until those naked photos turn up on the internet.
Next the judges must choose between the other two acts. Mel points out that they are very different acts, which is kind of the whole premise of the show, but of course she goes with Dave the Panderer. How does he grow those two perfectly aligned gray stripes in his beard? Howard picks Catapult. Heidi also goes for the dancers, leaving Howie to break the tie at 9:59 PM. He starts babbling, and you can almost hear the show’s director screaming in the control room. Howie goes with Catapult. The troupe members clutch at each other in a giant fleshfest, which is probably why the panel chose them.
That wraps up another week of talent that America’s got. See you next Tuesday!
