Another filler-packed hour of AGT starts tonight at 9 EST on NBC, when we’ll learn which four of last night’s acts are slated to move forward in the competition. Proving exactly how substandard summer television fare is, that show again garnered the highest ratings for Tuesday, with as many young adults watching it as the two closest competition programs combined. Imagine how much higher those numbers would be if they could also count all the hospital patients and household pets watching.
I predict that country-singing-coal-mining-veteran (CSCMV) Jimmy Rose will earn one spot, with another going to church-going-motorcyclist-pixie-girl-singer (CGMPGS) Cami Bradley. The third winner probably will be Timber Brown and his buff physique (not necessarily in that order). I can’t decide on the last one, but if it’s Chloe Channell, I’m relocating to some country where there are no child labor laws.
And so we begin, with clips from last night that we just saw in the preceding hour. The show is more committed to recycling than the entire student body of UC Berkeley. Nick is dressed like Mr. Roarke, but without a tie and with lipstick-red shoes. I guess the result show is less formal. And more tacky. Backstage in the Snapple All-Natural Talent Suite, it’s a fire department violation because the 3Penny Chorus and the family with 12 kids are jammed in there.
Minutes are devoted to the judges sniping at each other, and the contestants variously crying, complaining, cheering, and shrugging their shoulders. That’s what I’m doing here at home, except for the cheering part.
Nick asks Heidi about the judges’ “grumpy” mood last night. She says they weren’t grumpy, while Howard insists people are tired of the smiley, Pollyanna-like judges on other shows. These two better not commit any crimes together if they can’t get their stories straight before they’re questioned. Then Al Harris, the prop comedian who was thrown off at auditions, inexplicably gets a profile segment during which he wears a pink tank top, reason enough to have gotten rid of him. He is seen performing his act at a Long Island senior center, underscoring how tragic elder abuse really is.
We briefly visit the Orville Redenbacher Lounge, where the popcorn is apparently spiked, before the first results. The Robotix, Tummy Talk, and David Ferman step forward. The littlest Robotix is chomping on gum. No one is going forward. I am shocked, shocked, I tell you. Mel actually is shocked. I’m not shocked about that.
Back in the SANT Suite, we learn that Olympic Gold Medalist Kristy Yamaguchi gave a shout-out to Aerial Ice. She’s probably smug because she won DWTS. Nick asks Taylor Williamson what he thinks about Heidi saying she didn’t want her kids to see his act. He ripostes that she walks around in her underwear on TV. The difference is, she does that a lot better than he tells jokes. Timber Brown is actually sitting there shirtless. He looks chilly.
The Backstreet Boys–they’re still together?–perform next. They’ve sold more than 130 million albums worldwide. That’s a lot of busted-open piggy banks.
Next results! 3Penny Chorus & Orchestra and Cami Bradley come up. Could they just not fit a third act on the stage? Cami gets the slot. Her voice is tremulous and her eyes haunted as she expresses her gratitude. I predict a nervous collapse by the end of the month.
Now up for a slot are Aerial Ice, Jimmy Rose, and Champions Forever (considering they have 14 people to come up with a name, that one is terrible). Jimmy Rose snags it. He looks dumbfounded. Thanking Howie for his compliments, he says, “God bless you, sir.” But in a strategic move obviously designed to curry favor with cynical urban Americans, he does not conclude with “aw, shucks.”
Two spots are still open, with three acts remaining. Wait, did I miss one? Did SensEtion just throw in the towel before hearing the results? I wish I cared. We have Chloe Channell, Taylor Williamson, and Timber Brown lined up. The singer, the zinger, and the swinger. It’s Timber first. He’s still shirtless–he really saves on laundry bills.
The judges must now pit the child animal killer against the adult joke killer. Chloe says she has a whole lot to give. Taylor says laughter is healing. I say they both stink.
Heidi insists she likes Taylor, so she votes for Chloe. Howie discusses the rigors of the AGT judging process like he’s explaining the Christian existentialist view on the human condition, then votes for Taylor. Howard likes Chloe’s name, but prefers Taylor’s talent. Mel worries about the intense pressure on Chloe, but then chooses her. So it’s a tie, and not at all transparently manufactured drama. Nick yells that America voted for Taylor, so Chloe is spared weekly visits to the child psychiatrist.
Since I predicted the first three correctly, I get the remaining Oreos in the package. Which I would have eaten anyway, but now I have earned them.
See you next week!
