Last week on X Factor Celebrity, we had some great performances, some mediocre performances and a few performances that were unspeakably bad. The ratings were in the toilet, the reviews were mediocre, and one of the best singers (Olivia Olson) got sent home over Martin Bashir because he’s a bigger name. But on the bright side, Megan McKenna charted at number 2 on iTunes last week, which hopefully is a sign that she might have real world success and thereby make this slog less pointless. How did everyone do this week? Find out below!
Jonny Labey: He got the safe seat last week for his swing rearrangement of a dance song. This week he didn’t rearrange Are You Gonna Be My Girl at all, and without the novelty of a new arrangement, his weak voice is a bigger problem. Louis liked it, reminds us he’s out of his comfort zone. Nicole says there are lots of girls who would be his, liked it better than last week (she’s wrong). Simon thought it was an Elvis impersonation, lost the cool factor, not as good as last week, too corny. Nailed it. Not mad at all that he’s gone.
Jenny Ryan: She is on The Chase as well in the middle of this competition. She got the safe seat last week for her performance of Rise Like a Phoenix. I liked her performance last week. This started off decent but halfway through she attempted some big notes and couldn’t handle them at all. Simon loves her transformation between The Chase and X Factor, the contrast is amazing, didn’t like the styling. Louis liked it, says she nailed every single note (she didn’t). Nicole says she went from Daphne on Scooby Doo to a Diva (I think she meant Velma). Simon is going to be in the next Scooby doo movie.
No Love Lost: They want to be known for more than taking their clothes off. Great. They do an EDM rearrangement of Would I Lie To You and it’s better than the first two this week, but it’s nothing special at all. It’s just adding beeps and boops to a song that doesn’t need them. Nicole loved the flip of the song, says they have extra work to do to catch up to the other groups. Louis loves that they’re taking this seriously, they don’t want to be on Reality TV (which is b.s. as this is the second reality show they’ve been on!) and the song choice was disappointing, but the rap saved it. Simon gives them his safe seat.
Victoria Ekanoye: When I saw the results, I assumed that Victoria forgot all her lyrics, or hit a horribly off note, or took a dump on the stage, or something equally horrible. But nope. She just delivered a fully competent performance and got sent home anyway, cementing this season’s status as the worst season of X Factor UK I’ve ever watched.
Max and Harvey: They went home and hung out with friends this week. They perform Cool by Jonas Brothers and I think last week was better for them. The judges seem to disagree though, as Simon wishes he had a second safe seat to give them. He says this is way better than last week, brilliant. Nicole wouldn’t have picked that song for them as it’s too similar to last week. Louis liked it, says they’re ready made.
Kevin McHale: Kevin went to the countryside with Vinny Jones to shoot some guns. Last week, Kevin gave the most hilariously bad performance of the night. This week, he was way less awful. Still not phenomenal, still weird choreography with dancers focusing on legs, but not so bad he reminded me of Norman Gentle from Idol 2009. After saying he’s a dream to work with, Louis gives him his safe seat, further cementing Louis as the worst judge on this, the worst season of X Factor.
Try Star: They perform Swing Low Sweet Chariot, which is the UK Rugby team anthem apparently. Again, one of them can kind of sing, and luckily, he takes the majority of the parts. The other two are relegated to backup for the most part. A choir drowns them out joins them on stage. Louis liked it. Simon begs for a safe seat, and astonishingly, Nicole gives it to them, totally throwing her own category under the bus. To be fair, neither Vinnie nor Martin deserved a safe seat in any universe, but neither did these guys really. She should have f**king saved Victoria.
Martin Bashir: He talks with the younger contestants about getting more followers on social media. Martin proceeds to perform most of Easy but not all of it, as he forgets his lyrics. Simon wants to know what he’s feeling after screwing up, guessed that things would go wrong after the song was changed. Louis didn’t like it (miracle), saying it was like the father of the bride singing at a wedding. Nicole pleads for votes. He totally should have been cut right there, but he’s a big name/story, so Simon saved him from elimination in the bottom 3.
V5: They perform a mashup of Despacito and Mi Gente. The harmonies are all lip synced, so I’m focusing on judging the solos. And honestly, they are pretty good. And they can dance too. They’re making it to at least the semifinal. Louis liked it, says the world is ready new Latina girlband. Nicole loves them, cute but spicy and saucy at the same time, loves their confidence. Simon compares them to Little Mix and 1D, which to me is laughable. But then again, I thought 1D wouldn’t do anything after X Factor either, so what the hell do I know?
Vinnie Jones: He performs a song called Lip Up Fatty, which is up there for most obnoxious song title I’ve ever heard. And the performance is…its….I can’t describe it. It’s one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen on the show. I mean, seriously bad. The song includes a lyric “don’t call me fat, man.” People join him on stage again to jump up and down. Once the three judges stand up, I realize that I’m no longer watching X Factor: Celebrity. I’m watching X Factor: Worst Case Scenario. Nicole loves that he’s being him, having fun. Simon thinks he’s the heart and soul of this competition (what?) and is looking forward to his performances. Louis says he’s a showman and a crowd pleaser, fantastic.
Megan McKenna: She performs an original song called Stronger. Plain and simple, she’s in a totally different league from everyone else this year, particularly now that Victoria got inexplicably cut. I want her to win by default, which is kind of sad. Nicole says she looks exceptional, says there is true strength in vulnerability, she showed us how strong she really is. Simon downloaded her song afterward last week, says she’s an amazing songwriter and singer, gives a non-apology for his comment on her outfit last week, and then says his one complaint this time was that “it was too short,” she’s a class act. Louis liked it, very talented, amazing songwriter and amazing person, this could be number 1 on iTunes, this is the start of her career.
Between the vote closing and the results, X Factor winner James Arthur performed his new single Quite Miss Home. He’s amazing, I love him, and I can’t wait to see him live again next year in DC!
The bottom 3 are revealed to be Victoria Ekanoye, Jonny Labey and Martin Bashir.
Victoria Ekanoye got the lowest number of votes somehow and was sent home immediately. Which, of course, is total b.s.
Then the judges send home Jonny Labey through deadlock, because Simon abstained for some reason. So the rules don’t matter anymore, I guess. Nothing does on this year’s X Factor.
See you all next week!