It’s time once again for a new season of The Bachelorette! Wow, there are no end of these women. Andi Dorfman, the newest single lady with the timeless dream of finding true love, or at least a hosting gig on a basic cable show, is a 26-year-old former prosecutor from Georgia who famously gave Bachelor Juan-Paul a big what-for when he treated her like. . .well, like one of the other dozen or so indistinguishable store-mannequin-like girls who answered Craigslist casting calls to appear on the show with him.
ABC’s rhapsodic promo copy tells us that Andi “realized there was something missing” despite a fulfilling life blessed by loving family, devoted friends, and a promising career. Naturally, one would seek to fill that gaping emotional vacuum by signing up for a reality show where your shamelessly sexually submissive antics are aired weekly. Despite Juan Pablo turning out to be nothing more than a pretty set of abs, Andi did not despair of never again appearing on a major network broadcast. Tonight, she embarks on a new journey to tasteless famewhoredom. It’s just like watching a PBS documentary on the mating rituals of orangutans.
Here’s a list of all the guys she gets to choose from, a virtual smorgasbord of biceps, hair gel, and spray tans. We’ve got a Cody, a Dylan, two Joshes, two Nicks, and an Emil for diversity. Their occupations range from farmer, firefighter, and attorney, to physician, “explorer” (does that offer paid sick leave?), and something called a “pantsapreneur,” which gets credit for being original, if unpronounceable. I suspect the wedding event coordinator is fodder.
Chris opens with a tribute to Eric, the bachelor who died in a tragic accident. They dedicate the season to him, which I’m sure is a great honor for his family. Perhaps the show will set up a memorial fund to assist needy single guys.
Andi then discusses her high-powered career as a prosecutor, which she loved and worked hard to attain, even though there appears to be no one in the courtroom except her and the judge. But she’s dumped it all like yesterday’s coffee grounds to become The Bachelorette, because nothing is more important than finding love through an elimination process similar to how one might select produce at the market. She is a role model for all young women who can’t meet men in normal ways.
Next she talks with her parents about the show. Dad Dorfman, who was famously suspicious of the whole Juan Pablo thing, seems enthusiastic this time around. Maybe her paycheck is bigger now.
“My life is changing forever,” Andi trills as she tries on expensive outfits, drives a convertible along the beach, and gets her picture taken. It’s entirely possible that a relationship isn’t actually at the top of her wish list.
Andi arrives in LA to be greeted by Chris at the house where she’ll be staying. “I’m about to meet 25 guys,” she marvels. It’s daunting! I wonder if she was this worried on the eve of her bar exam. Her sister comes over to help her get ready. They discuss kissing, because this show is obsessed with kissing, probably because that’s less scriptwriting to pay for. Fortunately, Andi has no children to prevent her from Frenching every last one of the guys.
The girls consider dresses, and settle on a gold lame halter number that looks like something Blanche Devereux would wear to a charity dinner. Sis is so proud of Andi. Never mind that she was a successful prosecutor bettering society by putting gang members behind bars, what’s really impressive is that she’s whoring herself out on TV to land a hubby. Helen Reddy is going to sing a song about Andi.
Wait, now that she’s at the mansion, she’s wearing something else! The stylists must have been disgusted with Sis. Does that mean the gold lame can’t be worn later in the season now? Anyway, the bachelors start appearing out of the limos like so many candies on the assembly line in that episode of I Love Lucy.
First is some dude who has “a lot to offer.” Forget him and his Hallmark personality. Chris is next, and the gaydar is pinging like the low-battery warning on a smoke alarm. Next is JJ, a guy with a bowtie who uses the term “love quest.” That’s two strikes against him already. Marquel has a loud shirt. Tasos, who loves to travel, tries this gimmick where he invites her to attach a “love lock” to the gate. Whatever happened to “it’s nice to meet you”? He’s followed by Tony, a personal trainer with a Macklemore haircut. Steven looks like Bobby Sherman, while Rudie looks like any Osmond at all. Carl brings her a glass ball, I think.
Because Jason is a doctor, my first instinct, born of generations of Jewish grandmas, is CHOOSE HIM. But his hair is better suited to a barista, and he makes a “you must have a fever, you’re hot” joke, so never mind. Next guy is totally boring and the guy after him, too. Patrick is a soccer player, which you know they did just for the laffs.
She hugs each one the same way, with one arm around the neck and the other on the back, using a friendly up-and-down stroke.
Emil is pretty good-looking, but explains that you say his name as “anal with an M”, so goodbye to his future. Next guy brings her a lamp from the hotel. He just needs counseling. The parade continues with Craig, who is a geek. Ron is cute, and seems appealingly confident. Bradley is an opera singer; the production people must have recruited from the same troupe as for Juan Pablo’s season. Josh B. compliments her looks. Nick arrives in a golf cart, since he’s a pro golfer. This show is so clever! Brian is dull. Andrew hasn’t shaved, and looks like Tom Hanks on a bender. Mike has surfer-dude hair. Eric is attractive and travels the world for his job, so he gives her a gift of two little native dolls. He wins for sweet charm. The problem is, HE’S DEAD. Second Josh seems slick.
Well, thank goodness that’s over.
Chris consults with Andi about her reaction to all the guys. “Love at first sight?” he queries, and she replies that a lot of them were hot. Not lust at first sight, Andi. Chris reminds her that she must consider who will get the First Impression Rose after she meets this motley crew. Chris has such an essential role.
The guys all smile giddily at Andi as they toast each other inside. They are undressing her with their eyes. It’s possible that “the love of my life is standing in this house,” Andi cries to the camera. Careful, it might be Chris.
Marquel invites her to taste cookies. Now there’s a guy I can get behind. He shows her a black-and-white cookie, and says “Look to the cookie,” since he is black. I wonder how much time he devoted to dreaming that one up.
Andi finds them all so interesting. They give her pants, teach her to golf, serve her soup, talk to her in French. Damn, now I want to be The Bachelorette. She takes a special liking to Nick B., though. Will he get the rose? Or at least one of those cookies?
Alone, the guys bond by talking about sports and motor oil and sperm motility. Then it arises that some bachelor from another season, yet another person named Chris, has shown up and wants desperately to participate. He pines for Andi. So why didn’t he call her when she got kicked off the show by Juan Pablo? Chris the Host asks her if she wants to consider him for inclusion in her man harem. She does not; it’s too much, all this male attention. He is scorned. The crew member who has responsibility for the roses is clearly disgusted by this drama.
Andi squees with delight at all the fine wares presented to her. It’s like everything is marked down in Bloomingdale’s shoe department! She communes with the farmer, telling him she likes scenery. She’ll watch as he milks the cows. She’s intrigued by Marcus, whose parents are from Poland and Germany. Someone should remind her that it’s perfectly possible that a Pole turned her relatives over to the Germans a few decades ago.
By evening’s end, she realizes sex is not everything, and that maybe a guy with a good personality might be appealing, too. She gives the First Impression Rose to Dylan, the accountant. He must be horrified that she stopped contributing to her pension plan before she was vested.
Now for the first Rose Ceremony. She never spoke to Brett, so he’s nervous. He should be more nervous that she knows he’s a hairstylist. Andi thanks them for sacrificing so much to be there, like their dignity and self-respect. First rose goes to JJ, the bowtied guy. Next comes Eric (RIP), then Marquel, followed by Craig. Up next is Tasos, then Josh M. The remaining faces are grim, jaws set. Brian gets the next rose, then Bradley, then Marcus. Andrew comes up next, then Ron–oh, good, I like him. Carl follows, then Chris and Dylan. Brad (Brent?) is next, then Patrick. Cody–come on, he’s a dweeb–and finally, Nick S.
I hate to see grown men near tears, unless it’s in the throes of sexual release. The losers hug each other goodbye before they go to Andi. Things that make you go “hmmm.” I can’t believe she ditched Rudie, although maybe she prefers the De Franco family.
One of the surfer dudes asks if there were something he “could’ve done different.” Maybe get an adult haircut and learn to use adjectives? Another guy is deeply bitter and resentful that it was all for nothing, and he’s going to have to go home and tell his parents it went nowhere. Andi dodged a bullet with that one.
Looooots of kissing coming up! Also indignant man-rage, a tantrum by Andi, even guy-cries! And the height of emotional devastation, a mic being removed mid-interview. The best season yet, to be sure.
