We’re back with another scintillating new episode wherein Andi and the 11 remaining bachelors will travel to the south of France. The one-on-one dates include a sailboat ride on l’eau and a movie screening at une salle de cinéma. Soyez toujours mon coeur! Meanwhile, nine of the guys learn the art of mime–something they can surely master with ease, since most of them are at an advantage when they keep their mouths shut–and then perform for the local frogs.
Because the network is either a bunch of really cheap bastards, or they think the nation collectively suffers from an alarming case of short-term memory loss, last week ABC cobbled together some of the existing footage for a “special” that recounted the first four episodes of the show. Titled The Bachelorette: The Journey So Far, the montage of cutting-room-floor-salvaged clips failed to offer any new insight into why a sentient human would willingly participate in this Fingerhut catalog version of social interaction.
The show opens with a series of kissing shots as Andi explains how she can find love, or at least a cold sore, through this process. We are reminded of the secret admirer’s love letter, and Andrew’s acceptance of the waitress’s phone number. We are also reminded that we couldn’t care less about either of these developments. Then there’s a preview of tonight’s incidents of kissing and Andi’s declarations that she sees a future with one of the guys, but this time they happen with the hotel bill being paid in euros.
C’est Marseille! “It’s the perfect place to fall in love,” sighs Andi, whereas New England was best for evaluating resumes and California was just for making out. The guys ooh and aah over their hotel, then Josh gets the first one-on-one date card, which is written in French because the producers are about as innovative as the ones who keep coming up with more Bobby Flay cook-off shows.
Chris, trying to look continental in a turtleneck but managing only to resemble Mort talking with Bazooka Joe, meets Andi in a charming cafe. “Are you falling in love?” he asks wheedlingly. She suggests she’s smitten with more than one guy. Laughing knowingly, he replies, “That’s what it’s like being on The Bachelorette.” Chris means the show turns you into a total slut.
Josh and Andi wander down a French street while French-sounding music plays, and stop to gaze into a store window full of French merchandise. Those frogs just never let up. Andi is concerned that Josh is the typical American athlete type whom she’s dated before with unhappy endings. Maybe she should’ve considered the unhappy endings of couples who get together on this show.
Back at the hotel, Andrew hopes he won’t be included in the group date so he can get some alone-time with Andi on a date. Mais non. The group date card is blank, other than being signed by Andi. So it’s either the mime lesson, or they’re getting training in sign language. No one has commented yet that Andi’s handwriting resembles the way Koko the gorilla might write.
Josh and Andi alight from their French sailboat onto the rocky beach. They proceed to have a conversation conducted entirely in mumbles without once looking each other in the eye. She is worried that their connection is solely physical. I suggest that their connection is solely in the script.
Back at the hotel again, controversy brews. JJ tells Marquel that he believes he heard Andrew use a racist term when referring to him–but JJ was drunk at the time, so maybe he misunderstood. Wow, pantsapreneurs are a low and craven crowd. The show has cameras shoved in these people’s faces every hour of their day, but miss the one moment when documenting an exchange would’ve actually been constructive.
Marquel decides he must confront Andrew. He’s near tears as he discusses how he feels about being seen as black before being seen as a person. What is this substantive content doing spoiling all the twaddle we expect here? Did some graduate-student intern from Bennington mess with the production notes?
Josh and Andi ride a limo to a beautiful ancient building filled with marble statuary whose faces are more animated than Andi’s. They discuss how much powerful chemistry they have. They should really stop being concerned about that, since they barely have any conversational skills. Josh insists it’s been a long time since he’s dated, which Andi understandably doubts. He probably just had a lot of one-night stands instead. With Andi, though, it’s the first time in a long time that he’s felt what he’s wanted to feel with a woman: Breasts with natural-looking implants.
Andi gives him the rose. “Maybe the best day in my entire life,” Josh enthuses afterwards. The shmuck who has to close up the museum when it was kept open after hours to serve as a private dining room is not feeling the same way. But their date is not over! Some guy with a guitar is playing a private concert for them in the courtyard. How awkward it must be for these singers, having to perform while a pair of strangers paw at each other ten feet in front of them. However, the pay must be excellent, so maybe not.
Time for the group date, although Marquel is still tormented about the unresolved Andrewgate. Andi explains that communicating non-verbally is important, which likely means she prefers rough sex. She introduces the mime teacher, who, ironically for Marquel, is in whiteface. When he doesn’t speak, it’s in French.
The one-on-one date card arrives back at the hotel, and Brian is the lucky homme going on it. Meanwhile, the guys troop outside to perform their mime acts in the public square. They are all gotten up in traditional garb of striped shirt, top hat, and white gloves. The crowd is unimpressed, or maybe it’s just that hatred of mimes is international. Nick is the only one who isn’t being a good sport about irritating passersby and frightening small children. He dislikes the concept of the group date, and wants to be alone with Andi. So no ménage à trois for him.
At the post-date gathering, Andi’s I Dream of Jeannie ponytail makes me think she didn’t have time to wash her hair. JJ asks her to step away with him. Maybe he wants to confide that he thinks he heard Andrew call her a kike. They ride a ferris wheel together. Their relationship is just going in circles!
The guys bicker about their status on Andi’s tote board of potential husbands. Patrick accuses Nick of being arrogant, and Cody is all huffy. The word “bro” is used in anger. Andi returns and senses tension. She goes off with Chris, who is unhappy about the imbroglio, although he probably doesn’t know what that word means. Interrogating him, Andi learns that Nick is more trouble than she already thought. Next she talks to Cody, demanding honesty in a tone not unlike that of a kindergarten teacher who has discovered a spilled juice box. He says Nick made fun of him. Well, Cody, you chose that hairstyle.
Concerned, or PMS-y, she takes Nick aside to probe further into his issues. “It’s hard for me to watch you on group dates,” she says haughtily. It was even harder for us to watch him in that dorky beret today. She posits that if she were his wife, would he tell her everything that was going on. If she were his wife, presumably they wouldn’t be on a TV show with a bunch of other guys arguing about spending time with her. In response, Nick reads her a love note that consists of a series of Facebook inspirational-graphic quotes. Andi is charmed. They make out. The audience is disgusted.
We are again reminded of Marquel’s pain. He must address Andrew, he explains. He tells Dylan that he’s going to do it. Dylan hears him. There is more build-up to this moment than there was for the first atomic bomb testat the White Sands Proving Ground.
Marcus and Andi have a glass of wine together next. How is she able to switch so smoothly from one to the other, and act equally lovey-dovey with each guy? It’s like watching the judge at Westminster systematically feel up all the border collies in the Sporting Dog category.
Finally, Marquel confronts Andrew, but with the other guys there. Andrew looks bemused as he hears the serious charge against him, then laughs outright at the idea he would have used the awful word about Marquel. “Whatever you’ve been told is complete BLEEP,” he insists. JJ looks beady-eyed as Andrew wonders aloud who would accuse him of saying such a thing. Meanwhile, Marquel is back to wearing the gingham shirts with the floral ties, so he may be hearing himself called a different unpleasant name. Once again, what is introduced as a sweeping dramatic moment is reduced to a fizzle on arrival.
Andrew tells Andi about the incident, claiming it makes him question why he’s there. Andi is worried about how it affects her. How can she think about handing out a rose when any of the guys is not solely absorbed with her? Nevertheless, she manages to award the flower to JJ, who started all the trouble. How Machiavellian. Nick is bitter and defeated. He hangs his head and pouts, making it appear he learned something in mime class after all.
For Brian’s date, they go into a wee little cinema for a private screening and a promotional tie-in for the new Helen Mirren movie about a restaurant. Next they go to the market to shop for ingredients to cook a meal, just like in the movie. Good thing they didn’t watch Human Centipede. After shivering over some sea urchin, they go to somebody’s apartment to start slicing broccoli and sauteing mushrooms. Brian gets all quiet and aloof. Maybe he needs gluten-free. Andi tries to draw Brian out, but no deal. They give up on the kitchen and go out to dinner.
“Andi saw me completely out of my comfort zone” when he was cooking, Brian explains, as if he had been asked to perform neurosurgery. They make out over the beef bourguignon, and she gives him the rose. “I’m going to kiss her every chance I get,” Brian says eagerly. No problem there, she’s always willing.
As she approaches the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Andi talks about going with her gut, or some other body part, when narrowing down her choices. She sits with Chris to talk about it. She feels like being true to herself, she declares. There’s no need for a cocktail party tonight, because she’s sure about who needs to leave without one last sit-down-and-make-out session. She has already identified the three guys. “There’s gonna be some upset guys,” Chris affirms knowledgeably. Yes, Chris, three of them.
Dramatic music plays to proceed Chris telling the men they are going right to the Rose Ceremony tonight. The guys are stunned and shaken, or at least less bored than a moment ago. After the guys line up, Chris enters the rose-presenting room gravely and delivers his usual stentorian speech of 45 seconds length. Andi follows and says something about cutting to the chase, underscoring how she’s in this for true love. Marcus gets the first rose, then Nick, followed by Chris. He looks all smug as he returns to the group. Dylan gets the next rose, and the final one goes to Cody.
Loser Andrew walks off, hands in pockets, claiming he’s been bullied as he sought love. Well, he still has that waitress’s number. Patrick is surprised he’s walking out the door, but Andi didn’t “fully experience me.” After all, many girls have told him he has superior qualities in a man. So yeah, good call, Andi. Marquel says it wasn’t in in the cards, but meeting Andi made him a believer in love again. Put on a solid-colored shirt and try again, Marquel.
Next week, they’re all off to Venice. The guys take a lie detector test there because Italy is where liars are always found out, or maybe because Mussolini wouldn’t have gotten a rose. This show is so peculiar.
