The eight remaining guys and Andi are off this week to the land of Michelangelo, Dante, and Galileo, where, like all visitors to the nation that gave birth to the Renaissance, they undergo lie detector tests. That’s because, ABC breathlessly informs us, “Andi finds out that four of her bachelors are not telling the truth.” About what, their heterosexuality or the total number of their teeth that are veneers?
We will also learn the identity of Andi’s secret admirer, the one who sent her that sappy letter. No, not the one Nick read to her, the other sappy letter that arrived with the flowers. Maybe they identify him while they’re administering the lie detector test: “What color shirt am I wearing?” “Do you actually think it’s romantic to say ‘We were meant to be together forever’?”
But the exciting revelation will be clouded by ugliness when another bachelor verbally attacks the letter-writer. We can only hope the other guy uses fewer cliches.
The show starts out with everyone proclaiming Italy the most romantic place in the world, knocking France from its first-place position last week. Venice is described by the guys as awesome and amazing, likely the same way they characterized the girth of the seats on the flight over. We first glimpse the boys speeding over the open water in a huge boat, while Andi glides through a narrow canal in a red-lined gondola. Dr. Freud will be submitting his paper about this scene following the show’s conclusion.
Cody complains that he hasn’t yet had a one-on-one date, and now we find that Nick has been invited on his second one. Andi gets all haughty about that, declaring the necessity of making these tough choices in her journey to find love. She needs to establish whether Nick is an actual asshole, or just plays one in the scenes she’s not in.
After the requisite kvelling by everyone over the fabulous amenities of their Venetian accommodations, Cody and Chris continue to discuss Nick’s earning another one-on-one. You know, guys, you’re in a city that’s more than 1,500 years old, you might want to take these spare moments to look around. But they’re concerned: Is Andi really into Nick, or does she just need certain questions answered? Questions, for example, like why does this show constantly have people conjecturing about information that is then presented to us mere moments later?
The two daters wander the streets, popping into picturesque shops that sell pizza and cannolis, because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to identify this as Italy. “You can’t help but be romantic in Venice,” Andi sighs, unaware of how difficult it is to get phone reception there. They nosh on gelato over the sounds of string music, then climb into a gondola–you just knew the gondola theme was going to be beaten to death–and get down to business, which for a change is talking instead of making out. After three and a half minutes of discussing how Nick is a big ol’ wet blanket on group dates, things are cleared up, and the tension that no one else noticed is resolved.
The group date card arrives at the hotel. Cody is eager not to hear his name read. Hooray! A one-on-one is finally his. He can practice not lisping while he waxes his chest.
As they glide under the Bridge of Sighs, Nick and Andi lock lips. The gondolier looks bored. He’s seen plenty more exciting than that in his boat.
Night falls on the ancient city. Nick arrives for dinner, and greets Andi as she rides up in yet another gondola, wearing a dress that appears to be made of Jiffy Pop packaging. They will dine at a palace where masquerade balls used to be held. This was how people were fake and deceptive in their public social interactions in the days before reality TV. Over yet another uneaten dinner, this time spaghetti, Andi kvetches again about the causes for Nick’s unacceptable behavior. “Do you think you’re a front runner?” she demands snootily, like this is American Idol and she’s Cecile Frot-Coutaz. He explains that it’s hard for him to be friends with the other guys when they’re in competition. But he can confidently say he is falling in love, most likely with the swag at Hollywood events. She grins delightedly at this revelation, and gives him the rose. Kissing commences.
Then they hear music. Andi, recalling that they are in a masquerade hall, pulls out a mask for each of them. They put them on, which makes no sense since they’ve already seen each other and there’s nobody else there. Anyway, she pulls them off five seconds later so they can smooch. Then his voiceover says something about having been wearing a mask which now has come off since they cleared the air. That doesn’t explain the Botox and spray tan, though.
The next morning, Andi gets another note from the secret admirer. He really wants to win this show. Unfortunately, being in Italy has not compelled him to be inspired by Petrarca. “With each rose I get,” he writes, the office pool grows larger. Cooing with pleasure, she sets off for the group date, which is at a “freakin'” castle. Andi tells the guys it’s all about honesty, which is why she’s on a reality show. She introduces the lie detector administrators. Concerned, Chris admits to the camera that he has been hiding something that he planned to tell Andi–but not like this. Oooh, intriguing! Is it something about his favorite cow? Josh asks nervously how accurate the machines are. It’s okay, Josh, everyone knows lie detector results aren’t admissible in court.
Andi tests out the machine herself first. One of the questions is whether she has fallen in love, to which she answers yes. It’s probably with that sexy Italian lie detector administrator. The guys are asked if they are here for the “right reasons,” if they are ready for marriage, and whether they’re good in bed. Come on, what guy doesn’t believe he’s good in bed. It’s a totally subjective opinion. That’s why these tests are supposed to consist of only yes or no questions, such as “do your girlfriends get a lot of headaches?”
Then the test reveals that Chris is the secret admirer! I would’ve thought he’d just send her some of his grandma’s preserves that won first prize at the state fair, once they started courtin’.
The general lie detector results are presented by the administrators. They’re like a logic puzzle: 2 men told 3 lies, 3 men told no lies, 1 man told 2 lies. Of course, the sexual prowess question doesn’t apply. Given the sealed envelope indicating which man told which lies, Andi pulls the standard “I don’t care if you aren’t my real father” DNA-test-result plot device from nighttime drama, and just rips up the results without reading them. Damn, now we’ll never know whether JJ has cheated on a test, although I would put money on the answer being yes.
At the cocktail party, Brian seizes the opportunity to drag Andi off first. Putting her hand on his heart, and likely wishing he could put his hand somewhere near hers, he tells her to ask the question now that she wants honest answers to. He claims he has never lied to a girlfriend. Puh-leez. Andi rephrases the question by asking if he ever told a girlfriend she looked nice when she didn’t. Of course he says yes. This technique is a valuable tool that top therapists recommend for truly getting to know someone.
Marcus is next to sit with Andi. He doesn’t know how to handle his emotions. He was almost driven to leave because of the difficulty of the situation. How could he ever have anticipated how unnatural it would be to try to date someone under these conditions? Seasons 1 through 9 just did not portray it effectively. Andi realizes his near-departure means she should not take his presence for granted, so they make out. What’s really unnatural is how nobody ever gets to second base.
Andi explains to the group that she is delighted with the results of the group date, despite the fact that several of the guys were proven to have lied. The important thing is that everyone opened up about their dishonesty! Next she meets with Josh, who makes her cry as she wonders if this whole experience is for naught. Chin up, Andi–at the very least you’ll come out of it with a diet supplement endorsement.
Afterwards, Chris admits he’s the secret letter-writer. Andi claims she knew it. He moves in masterfully for a kiss when he sees she’s delighted. PICK HIM, YOU MORON. I mean, if you don’t mind moving to Iowa and slopping hogs at 4 a.m. every day.
Tonight’s rose goes to the guy who makes Andi feel like every group date is a one-on-one. That’s Chris, and that kind of sounds like an orgy. Good choice, Andi. TLC would probably pick up a Pioneer Prosecutor series, too. JJ expresses bitterness that everyone cheers on the rose-receivers, when each of them actually envies and resents those people. Chris tells him not to be such a sore loser, because his true colors will show and that should be his only concern. Or something like that, including “dude.” I’m liking Chris more and more. And I already loved bacon, so it’s a win-win situation.
Time for Cody’s date. Andi likes his “eyes.” They’re now in Verona, where Romeo and Juliet had the brief, star-crossed romance that ended in both their deaths. Good vibes for Cody and Andi! Cody says he’s going to pull all the tricks out of the hat on their date. So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.
They visit a place where people send letters to Juliet describing their love problems, and the staff reply with advice. Cody and Andi will produce some of those letters. They’ll recommend that every correspondent go on a reality show. We learn that Cody is nervous around Andi, just like a guy in one of the letters, and also that he has some trouble with literacy.
They meet for their dinner date that night, with Cody wearing a shirt showing more cleavage than Andi. He’s written a letter for her in which he claims he saw her first when she stepped out of the limo on The Bachelor. Sure, and he also can find Verona on a map. He wants to “grab her, hold her, kiss her, roll around with her,” he tells her, borrowing his romantic repartee from the Abominable Snowman in the Looney Tunes cartoon. He continues manically, but Andi stops him in despair, explaining that at this point, it’s just a friendship. The romance is not there. She’s crying again, because she can’t wait til the hometown visits to hurt him. She wants to hurt him now, in the most romantic place in the world.
So no rose for Cody. In fact, he is dispatched in the limo right there. He rides off with dreams of a hosting spot on some WEtv physical fitness series in his blue eyes.
Pre-Rose Ceremony, everyone is nervous to know who other guy is to go home. Andi is wearing the dress that marks the appearance of the billionth sequin during this series. Nick immediately rushes forward to take her aside. The moment they’re alone, he grabs her and starts chewing on her face. “That is a man,” Andi oozes, rather prematurely since they haven’t visited the Fantasy Suite yet. When Nick returns to the group, everyone glares at him. Chris thinks he just made an arrogant move. Josh tends to agree. They don’t like another guy’s saliva on their woman.
Meanwhile, Marcus declares his love for her, as do JJ, Brian, and their tongues. Josh wants to clear some things up, since Andi was confused as to how they left things. She has more communication issues with this guy than she did with Juan-Pablo, and English is Josh’s first language. They utter words such as “trust,” “feelings,” and “vulnerability,” but since the exchange includes no coherent connecting phrases, we learn nothing aside from the fact that Josh must have found a laser whitening treatment center in the south of France.
Finally, Chris the Host arrives. He sits with Andi to discuss recent events. “It was a very emotional week for me,” she reports, even though no one died. Of course, having a bunch of guys declare their love for you one after the other throughout the course of seven days wouldn’t be something you’d experience stoically. She briefly recaps the script for this week’s episode while Chris purports to be concerned, interested, or entertained accordingly. Then Andi rises and stands before a sort of altar, lit by a single candle, bearing all the guys’ portraits. Prayer may indeed be the only answer for this tragic situation.
The guys march solemnly into the room for the Rose Ceremony. Andi appears and explains how she had questions that got answered, that she’s a very lucky girl, and that all this has to happen in order for her to find her future. They just randomly open a thesaurus and plug in new adjectives to write her speech every week. Dylan gets the first rose. Next is Brian, followed by Marcus. The final rose goes to. . .drum roll. . .Josh. JJ looks bitter, defeated, and unshaven. It’s back to pants full-time for him.
He and Andi walk outside together. She mournfully tells him she just didn’t see a future with him. Losing his chance to be with her is “not going to be easy for me,” he tells her sadly, and she replies, “I know.” Yeah, Andi, I bet you do. He climbs into the limo and lets out a huge sigh. He started falling for her from day one. He’d never fallen in love before, and his biggest fear was getting hurt. So he risked that happening in front of a nationwide audience. Let’s hope he soon feels ready to search for love again, but maybe only on closed-circuit television this time.
Back inside, Andi is all laughs again as she excitedly tells the guys they’re going to Brussels! There, Josh will express jealousy, Nick will visit Andi’s hotel room, and Chris will curl his lip disapprovingly. Meanwhile, over the closing credits, we learn that many of the guys thought the lie detector interrogator was asking them if they “ever fucked in the public,” when in fact he was saying “fought.” To a man, they all giggled and said yes. So Andi is going to end up with a husband who is an exhibitionist.
