What important issue did the press choose to address this week? The President’s controversial 20-foot walk into North Korea? Iran breaching the limit on its stockpile of low-enriched uranium? Whether Luke P. is a devout Christian or an appalling troglodyte? Not only did the Daily Wire cover the last one, their answer is wrong. If God had spoken to Luke about finding a wife, He would have advised him to join christianmingle.com.
This eighth week brings us to Amsterdam, where tears, laughter, anger, and vocal fry are exchanged for all-you-can-eat Stroopwafel. Here, in a nation known for bowl cuts, the red light district, and a kid who stuck his finger in a dyke, Hannah will make one of her most important decisions this season. Which of the remaining artless clods will she allow to bring her home to meet their families? Does Luke’s family have enough room in the manger to serve dinner?
Her answer to this dilemma is more highly anticipated than Ivanka Trump’s next attempt to earn the title of Best Diplomatic Relations by a Purse Vendor. Hannah’s other most important decisions are which ill-fitting shmattehs to wear while touring Holland, and how often to use the word “clarity” in 15 minutes of footage.
Although it’s eve more predictable a situation than whether I will purchase the M&M Chips Deluxe over the coconut ones, Hannah is uncertain which guy she feels most strongly about. With whom does she have the best connection? Which man does she feel irresistible chemistry with? And who among them is the most likely to look good with her on the cover of US Weekly? Yet none of her emotional anguish will move the viewers as much as seeing the cheese market in Gouda.
Gird your loins for a three-on-one with Peter, Garrett, and Luke that culminates less satisfyingly than a frozen banana substituted for a Fudgsicle. If Luke lasts to final three, they should stay in the region so the producers can be tried in The Hague.
Let us begin. Hannah wants to feel confident after dating all the guys this week, but she must compensate for holding back up to now in every area except saliva exchanges. The guys greet her enthusiastically in a lovely square, then she invites Jed to go off with her. The good news is, the other guys can sop up some quality beer as they wait.
The couple wander off to get some chocolate and board a boat. Hannah is eager to be open with her paramour, both on land and in the canal. They make out to the jolly tune of an organ grinder, which Jed becomes himself fairly quickly. Then they chat with an elderly Dutch extra who advises them about love, which in Holland probably doesn’t present itself after a casting call.
Hannah reveals to Jed the confusing feelings associated with being under contract to date more than one person at a time. Not only does he sympathize, he’s writing a country song about it called Producer, Take the Wheel.
In the hotel, the guys wait upon the next date card. Connor is anxious in particular, since he needs more time with Hannah and he lost the WiFi password to text her. Alas, Tyler earns the coveted spot. Must the date be Dutch treat?
That night, Jed and Hannah go off to dinner. They are both pleased with their day in Amsterdam, especially since no dykes were leaking at the time. Hannah explains that she has feelings for multiple people, including the boom mic guy and Jason Momoa, which makes her hold back to protect them. You should never talk in depth with people you want to know better. Jed gets it, but has no real advice since Ask Amy never published his letter.
Hannah enthuses about the moment she was falling love with Jed: When they leaped into the air and kicked their heels together in the street. There’s a scene just like that between Benedick and Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing. But it’s scary for Hannah because there are still several episodes to go. For his part, Jed is as happy as a brood mare in a field of yeller stallions. He gets both the rose and the opportunity to bring Hannah home to his kinfolk in Tennessee.
Next day, Hannah arrives for her date with Tyler. They will tour The Hague on horseback. Hannah advises him not to be nervous, as Dutch horses understand English kicks in the side. then she instructs her horse to go, as if it has GPS. You can see the animal rolling his equine eyes.
Atop their horses, the couple eats ice cream and herring, fortunately not mixed together. Tyler doesn’t do well with the fish, so it’s best he’s not dating my bubby. They discuss their relationship, because no one ever talks about anything else on this show. Even The Dating Game guests asked things like “If you had to be an animal, what animal would you choose?” and “Do you think Jim Lange is wearing a toupe?”
Hannah is upset that Tyler won’t address the “raw, dirty” stuff, like if he leaves his underwear on the floor or experiences occasional irregularity. At dinner, she challenges him on this lapse. He tells the story of his dad losing all his money in the recession and his parents’ ensuing failed marriage. As a result, his biggest fear is not diversifying his portfolio.
Hannah emphasizes the importance of communicating in a marriage, and not just with WhatsApp. After this revealing exchange, she wants to know all about Tyler and what’s left of his family, so he gets the rose. I just want to know if he has a brother named Tippecanoe.
Mike gets the next one-on-one, leaving Garrett, Peter, Luke, and Connor to battle it out for the last rose—or two, if Mike does something unacceptable, like express a preference for androids over iPhones or insist cookie butter isn’t all that. Tyler returns with his rose to recount his date with Hannah.
Connor is distressed to not be given the one-on-one. He goes to Hannah’s room to address the issue, like she’s HR and he wants to complain about the guy from Purchasing who leaves pamphlets on Scientology in the break room. Hannah feels he didn’t do enough to help her get to know him, although his attempt to communicate with finger puppets was creative. She also admits to having stronger feelings for some of the other guys.
Connor understands that this is the end. It’s as sad for him as when Jane Eyre had to leave Mr. Rochester. Worse, it’s unlikely his mansion burning down and causing him to go blind will resolve the problem.
An important reminder: Don’t take Trulicity if you’re allergic to any ingredients in it.
Next day, Hannah rides a bicycle to meet Mike. The only form of transit they’ve overlooked this episode is jet pack. Hannah notes that falling in love could be a possibility with Mike, too, as if the guys were varying brands of coffeemaker in the same price range.
They go to a studio to sketch each other. Neither is going to win a scholarship to art school by drawing Binky. Then they recline together, draped in fabrics, so the resident artist can paint their portrait. It’s a work influenced by the Early Bimbo School.
Mike expresses his strong feelings for her, but Hannah worries that she can’t tell Mike’s family she feels the same. At this point, she remains less certain about him, probably because of that Bob Newhart cardigan he has on. Before meeting Mike for dinner that night, she gazes at some classic paintings and starts sobbing, probably because the Girl with the Pearl Earring didn’t have to settle for jewelry from Claire’s.
She shares with Mike her grief over the portrait of Saint Catherine, whose life mirrors her own, except for the part where the saint never found Luke the least bit appealing. She tells Mike she is not the right girl for him, and they must bid goodbye. Mike is kind and accepting about it. After all, he probably has already has thousands more followers on Twitter already. Yet, as he drives off in the limo, he describes the rejection as being like a dagger in his heart, which was then torn out and stepped on. Maybe don’t watch so many of the Saw movies, Mike.
Back at the hotel, Luke is picking another fight with Garrett. It’s his favorite thing to do, aside from being the subject of Daily Wire articles. Then,as Mike’s suitcase is rolled away, the guys realize their fortunes have changed. Garrett is now prepared for a battle bloodier than the German invasion of the Low Countries during World War II. No one will care how many casualties result from this conflict, though. Hannah does plan to publish The Diary of a Young Bachelorette, wherein she documents her time hiding from maturity in a hotel paid for by a reality show.
Next, Peter, Luke, and Garrett set off for their three-on-one. Peter, having studied history, is being neutral like Switzerland. Two roses await as the group toasts to their day together. Luke draws Hannah away first. With his eyebrows resembling two seagulls in a painting of a sunset, he claims he doesn’t like talking about the other guys, then proceeds to do just that. After describing some minor contretemps with Garrett, he tells Hannah, “That shocks the hell out of me,” then quickly adds, “For you.”
His craven ploy may have backfired. Exhausted from the continuing drama, Hannah vows to get to the bottom of it. She questions Garrett next. He is upset about the persistent fighting and accusations, too. She tells him how Luke called him “fake nice,” which is like fake news, but without repercussions on an international geopolitical scale.
Garret is disgusted yet again at Luke and his sniveling attempts to undermine his rivals. After this, he is determined that Luke not supplant his rightful place in Hannah’s affections. If this were an episode of CSI: Amsterdam, Luke’s body would wash up on the bank of the Amstel River in a few weeks.
He confronts Luke, pointing out that the over-groomed geek always claims everyone else is the problem. Luke accuses him of having a fake smirk. “It’s a real smirk,” Garrett ripostes smoothly. He also calls Luke a weasel and a snake. Luke leaps up and looms over Garrett, screaming, “You are not gonna mess this up!” Then he throws lunch meat into Garrett’s lap and stalks away. Seek counseling, Luke, maybe from someone experienced in performing exorcisms.
Peter is also sick of it all. Wisely, when he gets his time with Hannah, he makes no mentions of Luke, Garrett, or even his co-pilot. He tells Hannah he wants her to meet his family, who probably have an endless supply of little bottles of liquor.
Hannah appreciates not only this reprieve from all the bickering, but the many mindless compliments Peter showers on her like a Yelp review written by the store owner’s cousin. Of course he gets the rose, leaving Garrett and Luke for a showdown even less animated than Gamera vs. Godzilla.
The two men arrive for dinner with Hannah. Garrett’s strategy is to act as if Luke is absent. Tonight, Hannah wants to avoid drama or negativity. She isn’t a fast learner. Luke wants her to know the real him, or at least one of the guys he read about in Profiles in Courage. He tells her the story of how he was distraught at one point in his life and relationships. Then, as he showered, he heard a disembodied voice comfort him. This newfound faith made everything okay, except for the arrogance, narcissism, and anger management issues.
Hannah is inexplicably moved by this freakish revelation straight out of Flannery O’Connor. In tears, she asks him to kiss her, which is straight out of a 70’s romance comic.
Next, Garrett tells Hannah he loves her. They embrace and walk off hand-in-hand. He is convinced for his chances at getting the rose, ebullient as Brandi Chastain, except with a sports jacket it’s too difficult to rip off and toss in the air.
Luke and Garrett face each other over the table as Hannah reflects on the choice she will make. She notes that Garrett was the first to say “I love you,” while she and Luke have an intense connection, similar to Patty Hearst’s with the Symbionese Liberation Army. Whom to choose?
For heaven’s sake, Luke gets the rose. These damn producers are too cunning and wiley. Luke is more like Wile E. Coyote. Hannah bids Garrett good-bye, tearful but confident that he will be a possible next Bachelor. Off he goes to the airport, while the remaining men watch in dismay as his suitcase is rolled away by a faceless crew member. Luke scoops up Hannah and carries her off like the caveman he is.
Next week, hometown visits. Mark your Wayfair catalogs for items you want to buy. And don’t forget: Jesus still loves Hannah, and considerably more than any of us love Luke.
